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Found 10 results

  1. I can't bring myself to go physically to a support group, so hopefully I can find some comfort here. . I lost my 5 year old daughter to stage 4 Wilms Tumor almost 4 months ago on May 25, 2017. She beat it once, so they said, though her remission only lasted the summer last year. We got diagnosed this time 2 years ago, the worst news I've ever heard. So out of the blue, as she had just started preschool and never seemed sick at all. Even through all the rounds of chemo, her counts being low, her platelets being almost nothing, she was always her lively happy self. She never complained when I had to give her shots in the leg many nights in a row just to boost her immune system after strong chemo. Right up until a month before she passed, she only took medicine for nausea. We took a Make-a-Wish trip in early April, which was supposed to be five days, and she got pneumonia after the first day. Sometimes I feel that if we didn't take that trip, I could have kept her longer. Everything went downhill after that. I have two boys, 7 and the other just turned 4, and they are the reason I can get out of bed. I try to be strong for my husband, but his grief is so different than mine. He drinks, and hardly ever talks about her. He'll mention that he misses her on his bad days, but I feel like I can't ever talk about her to anybody. I feel like I have to be the strong one, because everyone is going about their day and they don't need to see me bawling my eyes out. I haven't taken a shower without crying from start to finish since she passed. Anytime I'm alone, even if it's just a quick trip to the store, I cry. I scream out to God, why did he have to take they only thing I've ever wanted? Why did he have to take my only girl? She was all I've ever dreamed. Curly hair, loved everything girly and glittery and soft, and had the sassy mood to match. My mini me. My pretty girl. I can't even bake cookies without her. I can't make certain foods that we would make together, and I can't hear our girl songs on the radio. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe. I thank God for letting her go in my arms, so peacefully, but I can't understand why. I fought so hard, I gave her every medicine they told me to, I researched clinical trials on my own, I took her out of town in hopes we can get stem cell transplant, but we were never able to. Her birthday is next month, and I'm already upset about it. The pain only gets worse. I miss my Mia. How do I live? I fear I'll never be happy again.
  2. I finally cancelled your cell phone contract after five weeks. I called your number everyday for the first two weeks straight, still hoping that one day you would answer, and I would be awoken from this nightmare. Once again today, like so many other days, when going to make a call from my contact list there's your face. The picture I took of you the day we went to get you a cell phone. I asked you to smile for me, and instead you made this face lol. I'm sure I will continue to try calling you, who knows, maybe one day you will pick up.
  4. Remebrance

    I had a good year for the first time since 2008. Thanks to my friend Marinda Freeman. She gave me some great suggestions. On the run up to Tom's date (never a good time) she suggested that I set up an altar of remembrance. I put out things that reminded me of Tom, his poems, pictures, school awards. I made a collage of his photos through the years. I burned a candle, put on some music and spent awhile meditating on Tom's brief life every night. It was very hard at first, as I'm sure you can imagine. The effort was worth it. I've transformed. I'm closer to Tom now than I have been since his death. I'm able to think of him more and more positively, as a presence rather than as an aching black hole in my life. I've also taken the initiative. I gave the family the option of either coming with me to spend the holidays away from home or not. It was a tough choice for me, but I know how hard those memories, those scents and sounds of the holidays hit me every year, kind of like a cannon fired at short range.They chose not to come with me. Perhaps it is for the best. They simply cannot conceive of the depth of my pain and merely find my grief during the holidays irritating. Death separates us sometimes and that is just the way it must be.
  5. Stabbed in thee back.

    I am dating a wonderful man. He is everything I ever wished for as a little girl. My price charming. Three and a half years ago he toured in Afghanistan for a six month period. He doesn't talk about it, most vets don't. This was in 2010. Earlier in 2007 he married a girl several years younger than him. They had a child together. Brooke was 18 months when her daddy went to fight for our freedom. He came back in August 2010. Brooke turned 2 the first week of August, but he was still over seas. He got back on his birthday. His wife unloaded some terrible news onto him. She said I've cheated on you and I'm leaving. I'm taking Brooke with me. Also I'm pregnant.... He had been home for three days and was slammed with this. It nearly broke him. He moved back home and began to look for a different job. He found one in Oklahoma. This is where I meet him. He frequents a local Karaoke bar that I visit a lot. At the time he had a girlfriend so we kept our distance from each other. This was the summer of 2012. That Christmas I vanished. I moved north and west. I ended up on the streets in LA. I came home summer of 2013. I was a recluse for severally months. I reconnected with my friends in a nearby town. This man was still around. As soon as he heard that I was back in town he repeatedly asked about me. I was skeptical at first. I finally met him Christmas 2013. At this point he had experienced a terrible past six months. The girl he was seeing had cheated on him repeatedly. So we were both single, ready to mingle. It has gone well for a while, but now things are getting messy. He hasn't seen his daughter Brooke in a little over 3 years. He pays child support and sends birthday and Christmas presents. But that's it. I keep trying to encourage him to call her, but he won't. He shuts down and clams up. My heart breaks for him. I want to help. I don't know what to do. How can I help him move forward? I feel that it is important for him to have a relationship with his daughter. It's not fair to her that he just disappeared. I can't imagine how she feels. Or how he feels. I am so sad and clueless. Someone please help me. P.s. I have my own wounds as well. Those have been issues for both of us as well. But they are not as much of a concern to me as him and Brooke having a relationship. Thanks Freegirl
  6. I am currently collecting data to complete a dissertation study of bereaved parents. The purpose of this study is to expand on existing knowledge and potentially reduce the isolation experienced by the bereaved. Selected participants will include biological and adoptive parents, who have experienced the sudden death of a child, and whose child was between the ages of 2 and 12 at the time of death. The child’s death must have occurred prior to February 20, 2012 and parents must reside in the Continental United States. Each participant, after consenting to engage in this study, will be interviewed via telephone, by the researcher Thomas Fulbrook. For information, please contact Thomas Fulbrook at childlossstudy@gmail.com. I would also add that I have experienced the death of a child and understand the hesitation to participate in research. Please know that you will be treated with the utmost respect and your information will be held in the strictest of confidence. 03/23/2014 Just an update that this is still an active study and there is a small compensation for the participants time. Interviewees may select their choice of a $20.00 Walmart, Target, or Amazon gift card. Tom Fulbrook childlossstudy@gmail.com
  7. I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant clearly. I thought I had been for awhile but didn't think it could be possible I can remember thinking no I wouldn't be that lucky. Then I decided to do a test it said I was pregnant but just to be sure I thought I'd do another five tests all of them said I was preganant. I was gob-smacked I stared down at those two pink lines in disbelief I had to ask my partner if I was seeing things and he said no honey they are there those two little pink lines are there your pregnant!. Hearing those words was like music to my ears I was overwelmed. Everything was going so well I hardly no problems with the pregnancy what so ever I didn't even have morning sickness I was only sick a couple of times when the baby didn't like something. Which is why me going into labour so early was such a shock. I was 23 weeks roughly I remember I was concerned about the leaking I was experiencing. So on my break at work I called my midwife team told them all about it and my concerns. It was like someone had punched me in the chest and winded me when the midwife said " I don't want you to panic but you do have to phone your nearest hospital's labour ward and get down there immediatly you could be in early labour". I was panicking I didn't know what to do so while the people I worked with tried to calm me down my boss phoned my partner to get him to come and take me to the nearest hospital's labour ward. So as soon as he came we went to the hospital booked into the labour ward explained what was wrong and waited in the waiting room. The wait was agonising I wanted them to hurry up I want them to tell me if there was anything wrong or not was I to expect the worse or was everything ok. With a billion and one thoughts running through my head they called us in. They ran some checks I was okay my blood preasure and everything was okay so was the baby's heartbeat. It was until the did a scan that they realised the membrains or something were outside of the womb I'm a 100% sure what they ment but by the way they were talking I knew it was bad. So they admitted me to the labour ward had my bed on a angle with my feet pointing up, my head pointing down in hope to get the membrains back in the womb naturally without force because they didn't want to break my waters when it wasn't time for them to go. They were hoping to only keep me in for alittle while but after discussing the situation with many different doctors in the end they decided to keep me. I was on bed rest and given an injection in my leg to strengthen the baby's lungs should the worst happen. And I was due have the same injection the next day. But on July 4th 2013 at around 11 or 11:30 am after coughing my waters broke. I won't lie I panicked big time didn't know what to do. I was alone my partner was on his way up with clothes for me anyway but I phoned him to inform him what was going on. The nurses said no to panick too much perhaps they have broken but I'm not in labour. Oh how much I wished that to be true but something told me that the worst was going to happen. I was having uncomfortable stomach cramps which were obviously contractions but I partly didn't want to believe that they were. I was scared I was alone I have the nurses but not my partner he was on his way. Oh how I wish he would hurry up but right then the nurses came in to check on me did what they had to do to see how dilated I was. The baby's started to enter the birth canal they said there's nothing we can do to stop it your in labour now. What!? I'm not ment to it's too early I remember saying .They told me to push when I was supposed to push, I can't my partner isn't here yet is there anyway we can delay it till he's here I remember asking. But they said there wasn't anytime they couldn't do anything. So I did as I was told and I pushed it hurt like crazy but I had to push. I pushed 3 times and nothing then on the 4th push she came out a beautiful baby girl. She cried when she came out the nurses were gob-smacked they weren't expected her to be alive when she came out I suppose. They called a bunch of doctors to come a reaccess the situation. They should there watching I felt like I was on trial for something. The decision for whether or not they should put my daughter on the machines was in their hands. I held my breath wanting to scream, shout anything to make them listen to tell them to help her. But they simply shoke their heads and walked out of the room to carry on with their day. I want to scream to shout to hit them but I was in shock tired angry, upset. Then this little bundle was handed to me by a nurse who then said she was sorry she wished there was more she could do. A lot was said by the nurses but what they said became mumbles I wasn't paying attenion I was busy looking at my beautiful baby girl, Nevaeh-Marie. I decided to ignore the fact I was angry I didn't want her last memory of me to be someone who was shouting and making a fuss. I knew I didn't have long with her so I wanted to use that time wisely. I remember saying quietly and calmly it's okay mummy's here it's okay your safe. She trying hard to keep breathing love her, her little cheast was going up and down trying to breathing as much she could. She seemed scared very scared her head moving about frantically probably wondering where she was but as soon as I spoke she seemed more relaxed. And even know her eyes weren't open when she calmed down she moved her head towards me as though she was looking up at me. That's right mummy's here its alright as soon as I said that her tiny hands wrapped round my little finger as though she was saying I know your there mummy. Daddy will be here soon if you could just hang on he'll be here and just as I said that she moved her head as if she was looking round the room for him. Then her head moved back towards me her little hand not letting go of my little finger once. I felt as though we were frozen in that moment just then as she lay there looking up at me even though her eyes weren't able to open. Then all of a sudden that moment seemed to be shattered when her breathing seemed to slow right down. This can't be happening I kept repeating in my head not my little girl. I froze I had never felt so powerless so unable to do something in my entire life. This had to be some horrible nightmare I was in surely I was going to wake up soon and everything would be ok. I could not have been more wrong she was gone, my beautiful angel Nevaeh-Marie was gone. I couldn't stop the tears from flooding my face I'm not usually one to cry infront of people but that day I didn't care my baby was gone and the floods of tears were never ending. My partner was on his way but didn't know I had given birth the nurses asked if I wanted them to notify family but I wanted to do it. I couldn't bring myself to tell my partner myself so I phoned his mother and asked if she would tell him. She always passed on bad news really well to him when told about things like that by his mother he didn't freak out or lash out but when told by someone else he would I couldn't chance that. Shortly after he arrived at the hospital the nurse opened the door to him and floods of tears came over me like a waterfall I couldn't stop apologising to him even though he couldn't understand why I was apologising. For awhile we just laid there the three of us hugging. The nurse took pictures for us to remember her by. My dad then came to the hospital my partner had rung him while he was at work love him he came straight from work to be at the hospital for us. That day was the first day I had seen my dad cry he kept repeating how sorry he was and hugging me holding me tight. Then a few more of the family members from my dad's side came that day was the first day I had seen my brother cry too. That day was beautiful as well as horrible beautiful as we were blessed with beautiful baby girl. And horrible because she was taken away from us. I haven't been right since christmas isn't that far away now and I have never disliked this time of year so much before. This would have been her first christmas with her family it still will be but not the way we would like to be like. Each day brings new challenges some days are easier than others and some are harder than others. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep smiling or even to smile at all
  8. I cannot even seem to conceive of how a timeline is even applicaplicable worst of all from my family my boy was only 16 and in the middle of all those milestones. Graduation.College how do you deal?
  9. This roller coaster ride of emotions can sometimes make me feel like I'm going nuts. It seems every 5 min they change. I lost my daughter at age 12.yrs old. She was born with a heart defect. Sometimes I feel like it cant be real.. Other times I go in her room, lay in her bed and cry. I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to know that she is ok. I believe in God and I beg and pray for something... A dream of her.. A feeling of her spirit being close to me. I know shes in heaven but I need to know shes ok. Sounds kinda crazy huh? Friends and family come around but most of the time I would rather they not. I hate crying in front of most people and everyone wants to talk about what happend or my feelings and of course it makes me cry. Dont get me wrong sometimes I do want to talk about my feeling but with only certin people who I feel comfortable loosing it in front of. There is a constant feeling of being lonely if anyone is around or not. Even things like going to the grocery store feels so unnatural. I started crying because they had a drink my daughter loved that was always sold out. My husband and I decided to go away for 2 days on a little fishing trip, only a few hrs from home. After the first nite I wanted to be home. It felt like I left her at home and had to get back there. My head knows shes not at home waiting for me but my heart doesn't . I'm just so lost... I dont know what to do with myself. I dont know how not to be her mom. Thats what always occupied my mind and heart. Right now I just exist without a purpose. I need to find a way to live with this until time starts healing... Any suggestions?
  10. The murder of my daughter/neice

    Hi, I am new here, no one wants to hear my story......well, they want to satisfy their cuoriosity then they want to shut me down. Six years ago my family and I moved to Charlotte to adopt some relatives that were in the foster care system. Over night I went from a mom of 6 to a mom of 11! I wish that I could say it was a joy but on many days it was really hard. You see these babies belong to my sister's son and for what ever reason, my sister (the grandmother) could not get them. So I agreed to help my sister and we got the kids out of the system. What I did not know at the time was that my sister wanted me to give them over to her.....that is against the law. And this is where my problem begins. I found that not only were we fighting social services for help, we were fighting my sister and her son and his wife as well. You see they were all happy when the kids were sad and in the care of strangers. They were not happy that they felt loved and the children wanted us to be there forever home. Well going down the road a bit, the kids had a lot of problems and we could only get limited services from the state. One day one of the children played with a candle (I left my guard down for the holidays and did what I always do) and burned our house down. We were homeless. My sister advise that under the circumstances if I place the kids back in the system, they would give them to her. I was so defeated at this point so I listened and this is where my true journey begins. There were things about my sister that did not feel right to DSS so they tried to do all they could to stop the transfer of the kids to their grandmother (my sister).......oh how I wish I had helped them in their efforts. Instead I sided with my sister, after all she was the grandmother.....who can love a child more than a grandmother, right. Things started to happen when she had them for a visit, you see she lived in Ga, I was in one part of NC and the kids were in another, about 2 hours away. I never left them even though I gave them back. They would still come to our home and stay. I fought for what I thought were unfair treatment but I never thought I would have to fight family.......I should have been fighting family. After almost a year of court battles, my sister was able to get one of the children. Leokoshia......oh how I resented her name....why such a tough name to say and spell I use to think. Soon after my sister adopted her, she changed her name to Ruth. A few months after that, she was able to get another sibling.....another one of the girls in-fact she was a twin, her brother refused to go with his grandmother. There was something very scary to him that............ Anyway, through all the legal battles, my sister and I fell out. I tried on occasions to reach out but nothing. On July 27th I awoke to the phone ringing, when I answered it was my nephew, not the dad but the brother. He told me that my sweet neice had died she had a seizure but he said they had arrested my sister. I got myself together drove the five hours, went straight to the courhouse, I tried to get the detective to understand that seizures run in our family. He only shook his head and said "you did not see what I saw, this was no seizure." I wish I could say that it is over but it is not, far from it. The other sibling is still in Ga, we are working real hard to get her here with us. I thought that I could forget all the press and the shock of my family and forget my pain and just focus on my sweet baby that is still here. I did for a while....that is until the police and DSS release my neice....meaning she could now tell me anything she wanted. over the pass two weeks she has been telling me of the horror that was her life with her grandmother. She said to me, "we knew we she was going to kill us" can you imagine living a year in total terror......... Now more and more, I think of my last conversation with my sweet Leokoshia. She said to me "mommie, you promised that it would be better, it is not better", I assured her that as soon as she got to her grandmother's everything would be fine......I said that. I encouraged her to go to a death camp!!!! This person who did all of these horrible things I don't know. Nothing was more important than family. The press has been cruel but ppl who do not know what they are talking about even crueler. My sweet girl died tow days before her 12th birthday. That name that I resented so much in the past.....I love more now than anything......it is the name Ruth, I now hate.