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Found 93 results

  1. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  2. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  3. Hi everyone, I was looking online for a support group to help me through the losses and stress and from what I can see this is a very supportive group and I'm glad to have found that. I'm 35 and feel like I should be able to handle life, stress and coping much better than I am. On the outside I look strong, confident and ready but on the inside I can tell I'm not. I'm going to say this is long right now so I don't expect anyone to read through it all (although I'm hoping, of course, that some do) and provide me with some insights or...something I guess. For me, writing is therapeutic, I enjoy it and I'm naturally long winded but I really think you need to know the whole story so you understand how I'm currently feeling. If nothing else skip to the last paragraph or 2. On July 30th, 2017 I lost my last living grandparent, my mom's dad, and by far the one I was closest to. Even though he was 90 up until a week before his death he was happy and for 90 years old, very healthy. It was unexpected and hard but I thought manageable because "he was your grandpa and you knew it was coming". I thought I was as prepared as I could have been. I was sad. I still am but I felt it was normal, manageable grief. August 4th I found out my dad had tonsil cancer and then 1 week later we learned it was stage IV. While trying to continue to learn a new job and hoping to at least feel like I was helping as much with my dad (living 1 hour south with treatment another 1.5 hours south) and my step-mom take care of their farms and getting to chemo and radiation treatments my step-dad had to have an emergency bowel resection in October. At that point we rallied the troops. Mom had retired earlier in the year so she had my step-dad's care handled. My step-mom retired and took care of my dad, letting us be as big or little a part of his care that we could and wanted to. Older brother 1 (of 3) took mornings off to drive dad to chemo and radiation when we thought my step-mom needed a break. Older brother 2 was in the middle of a life change so him moving across the country back home was good timing, he took turns taking care of dad as well. Older brother 3 helped with everything as well. I went to a couple of appointments and treatments but was mostly moral support on the phone and visits to the house. We each took time to visit my step-dad at the hospital and then when he was back at home. The end of October dad finished his treatments and we went into a waiting game until January to find out how well or if the treatments worked. So as we watched dad continue to be sick from the treatment and lose weight we also watched my step-dad get better and then worse and then better... Wounds would not heal and then they would get better. Then he would feel worse and be back in the hospital for one reason or another. Never sick enough to require more than a couple of overnights in the hospital but not well enough to just be completely better. I called my mom, if not every night, every other night. That's been our routine since I started planning my wedding in 2006 so nothing out of the ordinary. Emotionally I was there for mom and offered continued support and always asked about her husband's health and how he was doing and offering to come visit. She would of course decline the offers because she knew I was busy at work and it was a long drive for me and also because she's strong. Mom is a strong woman but she's also emotionally dependent on others. She would rather make you feel guilty for something you didn't do rather than just tell you what she wants or needs when you ask. Which leads me to December 4th. My step-dad was back in the hospital with failing kidneys. Rather, they had been failing over the last several weeks but this was the first it was really being addressed. He had a kidney biopsy and things went well so my mom started to make the long drive back home. One hour later she gets a call from the hospital saying he had internal bleeding and was being taken to ICU. That's where he stayed until Wednesday. Of course my brothers and I called and checked on mom, sent flowers, offered to drive down to visit but he was improving and she said not to. By Thursday he was back in a regular room and although he was very confused, from what we assumed was the pain medication, he was improving. Saturday the 9th, mom gets a call at 5:30am saying he was being taken to ICU and they needed immediate authorization for emergency dialysis. Of course she said "yes" and that it would be 2 hours to drive back that far to the hospital. She called me at 6:30am letting me know what was going on. Since I was on-call for work I said I could not leave until 9:30 when I could find someone to fill in for me. We decided that since older brother 3 was planning to visit the hospital that morning anyway I would come down on Sunday. I talked to brother 3 at 8:30 that morning and he was on his way to visit the hospital and would call me that afternoon with an update. 9:03am I answer the phone to my mom saying "He's gone. I don't know what to do. I can't talk". Click. Of course I know who she was talking about. Of course I know I have to do something. Of course I know I need to call someone. Problem is I didn't know where to start because I was devastated. That's not a word I had ever used until August but I was getting to know it well. I called brother 3 knowing he was driving and he answered with "I know". We were both in shock so I could not have expected anything else but all I needed to know was how long until he got to mom because even if I had run out of the house in my bathrobe straight from the shower (as I was currently running around my house) it would have taken me over 2 hours to get there. Luckily he was only 40 minutes away from mom. I didn't bother calling brother 1 because I knew he was in the woods hunting and would not get the call. I didn't call brother 2 because he's not great about answer his phone and he was out of town on business. I woke my husband, balling, and he asked if it was my dad because he could tell someone was dead he just didn't know who else I would be reacting like that to. I answered him it was my step-dad not my dad and it's funny that I remember that because I for some reason don't recall the minute details of the next 2 hours but I do remember that question. My husband was upset but completely controlled. He gave me 1 step after the other, one at a time to keep me going. I called my mom's only sister and she had gotten the same call as me so neither of us knew anything other than I needed her to get here as soon as possible. She was in the car within 2 hours making the 4 hour drive and she stayed by mom's side the entire week which we could not have been more grateful for. The next few days were a whirl wind that I know all of you know well because, hey, we are in this group for a reason. In the midst of planning a funeral for my step-dad we at least had the good fortune of starting to see improvements in my dad's health and finally getting better from the chemo. So here I am, 1 month after the death of my step-dad, 5 months after my dad's diagnosis and 6 months after the death of my grandpa. 2017 was not a good year despite having some really good times, the bad outweigh them right now. I've had some self-revelations. When my grandpa died I was completely at peace with my relationship with him. I held his hand the day before and had lunch with him 2 weeks prior. I'm not religious, in fact I'm atheist so I don't think God will help me through any of this but I do think self-awareness, strength and family will. When my dad was diagnosed I was terrified of losing him and had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach from the beginning. I still do, and I will until we get the results of his scan on Monday (60 hours from now). When the funeral was finally over for my step-dad I felt sad, guilty, mad...all the "normal" feelings. I think. But I don't feel at peace. I was 4 when my parents divorced, 5 when mom started dating and 7 when they got married, so my step-dad was a part of my life for 30 years. I'm positive that my childhood was almost, completely, all good. I have the pictures to prove it. But the actual memories about my childhood with my mom, brothers and step-dad (apart from my dad, his wife and her kids) are not good. I remember him coming home drunk, I remember them fighting, I remember being embarrassed to have friends over, I remember playing pool and darts at the bar while they visited with their friends, I remember my mom struggling financially, I remember by brothers moving out and going to college while I was at home with all of it. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 15 to live with my dad. I remember telling her it was because of my step-dad and I remember being mad she "chose him over me". As an adult I thought I had reconciled all of those feelings, that although he was not a good step-dad, he was an incredible grandpa to my 2 nephews and niece. I assumed it came with age and maturity on his part. I also realize that at times I was a brat to deal with. I never thought about the fact that he went from being a 38-year-old life bachelor to the step-dad of 4 kids ages 7-18 and how hard that probably was for him. As a now married woman I had a much better relationship with him the last 10--15 years as we both matured. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come with the grief of a grandpa and a step-dad as well as my dad's health. How do I manage? What can I do to help myself grieve for everything? I'm completely overwhelmed by emotions right now, but mostly sadness. I talk to my mom and we ask how each other how we are doing and we tell each other what made us happy, sad or teary-eyed that day I talk to my husband but sometimes it feels like he's moved on and I haven't. I feel like my grief doesn't mean as much to my friends because "it was just your grandpa, it's expected" and "it was your step-dad not your dad". While that is true, it also could not be further from the truth. Does anyone have advise on what I can do, should do, read...anything to help me feel like I'm going down the right path of grief and healing? If you made it to the end of that, thank you. If you skipped to this paragraph, I understand. Basically it boils down to this. I've lost my grandpa, watched my dad battle stage IV cancer and buried my step-dad in the last 6 months. What do I do next?
  4. Hi, my name is Carrie. I’m new here. I lost my dad 5 years ago, it will be 6 in March. My dad passed away in the middle of the night, we found him early in the morning. I did CPR on him until paramedics came. I don’t really feel like getting into the whole story at the moment. I didn’t have restful sleep till over a year after. Recently I have been feeling similar to that time. I have been of legal age to drink since last year. I find myself drinking, not for the pleasure or over drinking but for the sleep. I’m in college and sleep is a commodity for me. I feel like I may be going through the same thing. I feel bad for talking to friends and family since it’s been so long of coping for the past 5.5 years. I don’t know what to do at this point. Most of the counselors at my school are not equip for this. I don’t know who to talk to. Any advice would help.
  5. Hello, I am new here and I could really use an ear. I found out that my dad passed away this morning, just two months after my mom passed away. I have always compartmentalized my emotions around others but since my mom passed, my fear of letting my emotions out has turned into major anxiety. I am not slepeing well. Last night I was up most of the night with anxiety and then got the news about my dad this morning and I have felt like a zombie all day. I am in shock. How do I learn go just let my emotions out? My parents and I were not the closest, a rough childhood but they are my parent. I love them and can't in two months I lost them both. As a mom, it breaks my heart that my kids lost two grandparents so close together. Is anxiety normal? I guess more than anything, I feel lost, scared and shocked.
  6. My Dad died rather unexpectedly a month ago. He had been ill and we knew he wouldn't recover, but doctors said he at least had months left. He died the next day. We had a family trip planned and after discussing have decided to go ahead with it as planned. He'd be upset if we didn't. But as that trip draws near my anxiety over his loss seems to increase. I know I need to still go. I feel like going is part of the healing process. Even the thought of packing for this holiday is overwhelming. The closer it comes the more breakdowns I seem to have. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you find helpful?
  7. My parents passed away very close together (October and November) and I've already had to experience my first Christmas and Thanksgiving without them around. I've been feeling numb on and off ever since this all happened and now I keep crying on and off. I went bowling tonight with my godfathers family among a couple family members of my own, and that distracted me for awhile. But now that I'm home my emotions are starting to settle in... Christmas wasn't good this year, but this feels even worse. If things had worked out for the better, I'd be sitting in my grandma's dining room playing Dominos with my mom and a few other family members, while my dad lays on the floor and just chills with us. I don't even know anymore. Their absence hits even harder bc usually I'd spend New Years with fewer family members than Christmas. We'd go out to dinner and then watch the ball drop on the TV at my grandma's. I'd be with my brother, grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad. Including me, that's six of us. But my grandpa passed away 3 years ago and now that my parents are gone, that means half of our New Year's crew is missing. I'm home all by myself with my brother who I have never gotten along with, and my grandma went to bed when we took her home from bowling. I don't know what to do because frankly, whenever I cry I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm also not sure whether I want to be alone, or with someone. I'm capable of driving, but I'm not sure if I'd want to go anywhere to see anyone as the weather is sorta crappy and I'm a bit of a new driver. I also can't really think of anyone who's really worth spending this holiday with. I don't know I just feel really alone but also stuck and I'm probably just being depressing but I seriously can't believe I'm going into 2018 without my parents.
  8. Six years ago, my family went through a traumatic event. We were split apart. my mom had gotten colon cancer and had to go away. But not before my parents decided to get a divorce. I dont know all of the details, its still a touchy subject for my mom to talk about. After her cancer was gone, my mom came back and took my twin sister and my baby sister to live with her in Nebraska, and a year later she came and got me and my other little sister from my dad's house. Since then I have visited my father three times. It is now the holidays which is hard, especially since I lost my grandfather a few months ago to cancer. I am grieving hard, and my heart hurts every time I think of the ones I love that I cannot be with.
  9. Six years ago, my family went through a traumatic event. We were split apart. my mom had gotten colon cancer and had to go away. But not before my parents decided to get a divorce. I dont know all of the details, its still a touchy subject for my mom to talk about. After her cancer was gone, my mom came back and took my twin sister and my baby sister to live with her in Nebraska, and a year later she came and got me and my other little sister from my dad's house. Since then I have visited my father three times. It is now the holidays which is hard, especially since I lost my grandfather a few months ago to cancer. I am grieving hard, and my heart hurts every time I think of the ones I love that I cannot be with.
  10. Losing my best friend

    I lost my dad November 15th from respiratory failure. Six weeks prior, on October 3rd, my sixth sense knew it was coming, i knew it before my dad did. And i thought that I had somehow prepared myseld for it, that somehow when it happened, i would be at peace with it. Then, when he died, i was faced with the harsh reality that nothing and no one could have prepared me for the grief i feel... My dad was my best friend. Although I have brothers and sisters, none of them had a close relationship with him, so those 6 weeks leading to his passing and the 6 weeks that have followed it, have been the loneliest of my life. I'm not an overly emotional person, so the tidal waves of grief that take over me are so uncomfortable for me to cope with. I am single with no children, so the nights at home alone is when the reality sinks in and i can barely breathe. Although ive had a tremendous amount of support, there's part of my heart and my loss that cant be reached. I'm also not one to talk about my feelings much, so it's hard for me to confide in others about what I'm going through. At night especially, I'll get an image of my dad in my head that i cant let go of, or replay a conversation in my head over and over again... like the last time i saw him and how sad he looked when i was leaving.. like he knew it would be the last time. The look on his face sits in my mind like a photograph. Thanksgiving was tough, i didn't get out of bed until late afternoon.. and now with Christmas only 3 days away, I'm battling the deepest feeling of depression. I have found comfort in those who have lost a parent and reached out to me, so that's what brings me to this group. I'm praying for all of us to get through this holiday season.
  11. Losing my best friend

    I lost my dad November 15th from respiratory failure. Six weeks prior, on October 3rd, my sixth sense knew it was coming, i knew it before my dad did. And i thought that I had somehow prepared myseld for it, that somehow when it happened, i would be at peace with it. Then, when he died, i was faced with the harsh reality that nothing and no one could have prepared me for the grief i feel... My dad was my best friend. Although I have brothers and sisters, none of them had a close relationship with him, so those 6 weeks leading to his passing and the 6 weeks that have followed it, have been the loneliest of my life. I'm not an overly emotional person, so the tidal waves of grief that take over me are so uncomfortable for me to cope with. I am single with no children, so the nights at home alone is when the reality sinks in and i can barely breathe. Although ive had a tremendous amount of support, there's part of my heart and my loss that cant be reached. I'm also not one to talk about my feelings much, so it's hard for me to confide in others about what I'm going through. At night especially, I'll get an image of my dad in my head that i cant let go of, or replay a conversation in my head over and over again... like the last time i saw him and how sad he looked when i was leaving.. like he knew it would be the last time. The look on his face sits in my mind like a photograph. Thanksgiving was tough, i didn't get out of bed until late afternoon.. and now with Christmas only 3 days away, I'm battling the deepest feeling of depression. I have found comfort in those who have lost a parent and reached out to me, so that's what brings me to this group. I'm praying for all of us to get through this holiday season.
  12. I was only 9 when my Uncle drowned in front of my very eyes. When they pulled him out the water with his tongue hanging out; Lifeless. When I felt numb in shock watching my loved ones run around the harbour screaming and crying. When the pain for the rest of my life would begin to set in, but the death wouldn't stop there. My father soon after committed suicide. Then lost 4 grandparents to death. I'm 18, and still too young to go through that amount of tragedy. I'm haunted, I'm bitterly angry. I hate my deceased father, how could he do this to me? choose to leave his children and kill himself. Its selfish. He's disgusting. I feel so much boiling anger at what happened. I felt extreme sadness, isolation, anger, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety about death. I fear death and the pain so much that I have dreams about my loved ones dying, reoccurring, different everytime. I'm scarred and want answers. I can't cope with the grief even when it was years ago. Heck, I even contemplated suicide and self harm several times, but never would I allow myself to do that, I'm too strong of a person. However, I feel so angry and grieved at what happened. It's a common feeling but when you're in your own shoes the feeling are so much stronger than anyone would ever understand, I would only be the one who would understand just how much it has affected me. I have experienced some tragic things and i'll never forgive my father for what he did, and what he has put me through.
  13. Well I don't have anyone else to let it out to at this time, so I think I'm gonna post it here. It all happened way too fast. My mom was ill for a long time, with pulmonary fibrosis and pulmonary hypertension. She passed away on October 11th this year in the hospital due to respiratory failure. Even though I knew it was bound to happen, it was way too fast and unexpected, especially since my dad decided to make a quick decision to take her off life support. A week or so after, my family decided that my dad should go into Hospice since he was terminally ill with esophageal cancer (diagnosed in May). Not only that, but he was also going downhill and lost his will to live 'cause of his grief for Mom, and I could barely manage to take care of him anymore. He passed away on November 6th. I was both their caretakers for quite awhile. Here I am going through this at only 18 years old during my first semester of college. I feel lost and I don't know what to do, life feels purposeless.
  14. Hi all, this is my first post on here. On December 9, my Dad passed away suddenly from an abdominal aortic aneurysm. He was 74 and otherwise healthy. We were very close, so this has been an immense loss for me. My Mom was with him when it happened, which is a blessing and a curse. I'm glad that she was the last person he saw, but she can't get the image of him collapsing out of her head. They were married for 49 years and together for 56 years. We celebrated his life yesterday in a beautiful ceremony that I think he would have loved. From his death until yesterday, all of our energy had been focused on planning the memorial service. Now, I fear, the reality of our loss will set in. I'm 33 and an only child, so I have felt very alone throughout this whole process. My husband has been wonderful, but even though he felt like my Dad was the Dad he never had, he cannot full comprehend my grief. I am feeling this weird combination of grief but also anxiety about what happens next for my Mom. I am worried about her living alone in their large house. So far, she has been really strong, but so far, she hasn't been alone. I know she's worried about what happens when life goes on for everyone else, but not for her. I'm worried about that, too. How do I help her get through this?
  15. Hi. This is my first post ever about my dad. I never wrote anything anywhere. It's been 8 years since my dad isn't here. Then, I was on my last year of highschool. I'm 26 now and I finally started grieving. Ok, this is hard. I write in english although I'm from Argentina and I speak spanish. But english helps me because spanish is too close, too familiar for me. We had a really rough time when he got ill, in 2008. He collapsed and was sent to intensive theraphy, with an pharmacologycal coma, for about two months. I still can't stand the look of the building when I pass by in a car. It's unbearable. And when that happened, I wasn't even there. I was in a trip with my class, many miles away in the north of my country. I flew, with a friend that came with me, from that northern town to Buenos Aires because my dad was going into a very high risk open heart surgery and my family thought we had to say goodbye. But he fucking made it, against all odds. And we would go there and visit him in the woo little minutes of visit we had, and play music he liked and talked to him, grabbing his hand. I feel this time of my life is such a blur. I kept this so much time to myself. I saved it deep so I could avoid feeling like I'm feeling just now as I write this. I just forget stuff. I was trying to cope, I guess. I remember I never learned well the medical specifics around my dad's illness. And now, trying to recall, I can just say that they could get him out of the coma, and he woke. He couldn't talk because of another surgery that they did to his throat. I don't remember why. I do remember sleeping in the couch of the super fancy restaurant in the upper floor of the building, and the waiter staring at me for my inappropiate behaviour. I couldn't care less. He was moved to another place. It was a rehabilitation center. It was painful only going in such a place. The guy in the bed next to my dad's was malnourished, pure skin and bones. We hanged out with his wife, a warm good lady. From this months I remember studying for my phisics exam in the coffee shop inside the place, and a few moments besides his bed. He was in pain. I don't think that it was physical. He was in real emotional pain in there. But he was silent. I also remember (and this memory came a few weeks back, it was deeply burried in my heart) like a blackboard we had with some letters with magnets. It was for him to communicate. I remember, also, his tight handwriting. I just loved his handwriting. And a note that he made to my mom, that was a quote from Serrat (a spanish musician) which can be translated to: "the woman I love doesn't need to defoliate a daisy every night". When he started talking, I was on a trip with my then boyfriend in the south of my country. I remembered we talked on the phone. I felt so guilty. I felt guilt for doing stuff for myself (like that trip) all the time during his illness. And I felt I did everything wrong. And my family would complain about how many times I went to visit him, at what time, it was a lot of pressure on me. And even HE got mad at me one time for not going to visit him and going to a concert in another city near Buenos Aires before visiting him. I didn't remember the fucking blackboard with the plastic letters but that scream went over my head so many times in all these years, so many times. Of course he was angry. He couldn't do anything on his own. When he got out of that horrid place, he came home. But it was hell. He had like a hospital bed and he needed constant assistance, but he couldn't bare needing assistance. He always was very independent. His father died when he was 15, so he was in charge of his family, and they were poor. He carried a burden of responsability so much time. He was depressed. He cried. I never saw him cry before. He was so tired. So tired of being a support for other people, and in silence. I was tired too. But that didn't matter to me. I just wanted to do what everyone around me wanted me to do. One morning I was sleeping at 11 am. And they called. They rushed us to the intensive therapy room. He wasn't there any more. I hear my mom saying "when we were a couple, he always used to say that he wouldn't reach his fifties". And he barely did. He died shortly after his 50's party, where he was really deteriorated already. Ok. I needed that cry. In the moments after my dad's death, of course I didn't understand anything. I didn't understand life. My friends came, my boyfriend came and we cooked some supermarket cakes. What was happening? I didn't know. Not much time after, I was known in my family for being harsh, for not crying. I succeded in school with good grades. My sister had panick attacks, she became depressed. She was in highschool, and had a remaining year to go. She had to take medicin. But eventually she got by. My mom and dad had a retail business in a market area in our city. So my mom was left with a lot of stuff to take care of, financially mainly. When I graduated highschool, I started working there, of course. I had worked there while my dad was at home "recovering", the previous summer. I liked how proud he was with me and my sister when we went to the store to help. So my mom worked every day, except for Sundays in the store. The rest of the weekend he would be in her room. Some weeks ago (I'm talking about now) my sister told me "Don't you remember she cried in her room all weekend?" Well, no. I don't. I made sure she did not eat dinner alone. I talked to my sister for that not to happen. With mom, we talked about the chores she had to do. We talked about the business. I started working there in 2010 three times a week, and then, in 2011, I started working every day. I continued studying. I started a degree in literature in 2010 (doing the pre-course) and entered in 2011. I'm still struggling to finish it. We didn't talk about dad. We didn't talk about what we would like to do with him if he hadn't die. We didn't talk about his illness, about how unfair it is that he is no longer with us. Just now, my sister came into my room while I write this. And I try with all my heart to just pretend I'm studying in the computer or something. It must show in my eyes, but we really fight with showing one another how sad we are. How hard it is and how painful. Like my mom in her room on Sundays, or me pretending not to hear her cry. And this went on. And I even felt guilt that I did not think about my dad. What? Yes. I. thought. that. And for a very long time. I'm not going to bore you guys much longer. I developed a lot of fears. I felt ghosts and I clinged to sad music, loss music, that I attached to a boyfriend in that moment. I was angry. I remember, not much after he died (oh my god. it is really hard writing that every time!), i ran into a friend of an uncle in a waiting line of a Mc Donald's. He asked me if I was his daughter, and I remember he said something like "But, why are you ok?". That enfuriated me. I thought "What do you expect me to do? To stay in bed all day crying?". I was so angry with that stupid, STUPID man in that moment. I was scared. I became doubtful of myself in every way. But I couldn't grieve. Last year, my granny died. His mother. We really had an incredible relationship. She was so fantastic, she was witty, she was soo clever, she was really something. And i loved her so much and she left, with another part of my dad in her. I would be so angry at her, in silence, when, after two or three hours of talking, she would bring up my dad. She talked about what had happened to him. And I just couldn't listen. I hated that moment, I hated it. I didn't want to listen to that. I nodded or said two or three words. But it was the most natural thing for her. She needed to talk about her having to bury her son, her kid. So yeah, last year was difficult. So I started theraphy with a very, very good professional. But I started having this huge headaches. They wouldn't go away with some pain killers. I had so much hurt in me. With therapy, this opened up. I opened up. I now I feel so crappy, I feel so sad. I feel I could never stop vomiting this sadness of mine. But I know that's what my body needs. I need to feel this. This pain, saved, made me small, fearful, made my body put out an alarm that yells: don't do this to yourself. An alarm I wish my dad could hear earlier in his life. Now I barely can do stuff. I'm about to graduate but I've put my degree on hold. I've put everything on hold. It's so difficult for my family, friends and boyfriend to support me. I know how it feels to see a person you love crying. It feels like you could break all the fucking windows in the world. But, although it's hard for me to show my sadness, to cry in front of people, I must learn. This is me, and all of this is because of love. I love my dad. I miss him so much. I think he would be proud that I'm brave to show everyone that I'm sad because I loved him, and he is a huge part of me. I know this is a lot for you to read. It really helped me to write this. As reading this forum really helped me, maybe I, too, can contribute to it, and help someone on his or her grief, because I think that talking or writing about it is key to liberating those feelings, and finding relief. We shouldn't carry burdens of sadness because it's not ok for this society to be "weak" and cry. It's an emotion, like being happy. It shouldn't have a tag on it. It's not good or bad. It's an emotion and it NEEDS to get out of our bodies. As I write this final words, I feel so much lighter. I have a very long road ahead of me in this grief. It's just barely started. But I know that, sharing it and getting it out, I'll find relief. Thank you all SO MUCH. Sol.
  16. Hi everyone, so when I was 8 years old I lost my Dad suddenly due to an illness. At the time I soon returned to school and normality and actually in a way as a child, I just blocked it all out and almost allowed myself to forget it even happened. Sure I would get upset from time to time but only privately. So I grew up through my teenage years with no male role model at all, still blocking it out. I'm now 20 and in recent times the loss of my Dad has suddenly really hit me hard. I find myself getting so desperately distressed and feel such despair because as a child he really was my inspiration and the light of my life. I struggled without a male role model as I found it hard having such a lack of judgement of what a 'man' is and how to become one, but at the time I just shrugged it off. But I find myself really upset about everything I'll miss with him, when I graduate, when I get married someday, if I ever have children, etc. At family gatherings it's as though nobody acknowledges the fact that my Dad was once sat with us also having a great time and I just feel so lost and out of place. I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me and that maybe we could talk about it or something? It's almost like a delayed grief because I bottled it up for so long. thank you for reading
  17. I live at the other side of the world, in Rio de Janeiro. A 13 hours flight from home. Yesterday, 18th of november, I received the worse phone call I could ever have received. My mom telling me that my daddy passed away, suddenly, in his sleep of a heart attack. This huge distance anestesiates my pain because here nothing reminds me of him but this pain is already undescribable. Tonight I’m taking a plane to go home and it’s going to be the worse plane trip ever with a 4 hour lay-over all by myself and a total of 17 hours travelling by myself. I’ll be seeing those clouds and thinking about him. I can’t imagine the shock and the pain that will go through my heart arriving at the airport and not seeing my dad, just my mom and my brother with their sad faces, with their pain. I’ll go home and find everything of my daddy and not see him, ever again. I can’t imagine that this is my life from now on, that is the reality I will have to face from now on. The holiday season is around the corner and it’s going to be so much tougher, every year, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, will never be the same anymore. He was young, 62, in perfect health and so many dreams to realize with my mom. Life is so unfair! :,( Rest in peace daddy
  18. I lost my mom when I was 7 years old to leukaemia, Im now 30 and my father died suddenly of a heart attack in Feb. Its been 8 months, first few months I was ok, had up and down days but now I am having anxiety and depression. I feel hope and acceptance deep down, I am ready to let go almost but there is something small hanging on?! I feel alone even though I have a great support network. Anyone shed a bit of light on this?? Stay strong
  19. So I am new with posting here so here goes. I lost my dad back in February so right now I am past normal grieving time (6 months I guess). I'm 24, if that matters. I was out of the state when it happened and he had been sick for a while and I think I just had my head in the sand thinking he would be fine while I was gone. When he passed, I wasn't there. I didn't get to hold his hand. He didn't hear me say I loved him over a stupid FaceTime while he was on his death bed. All in all, I'm just angry with myself and I just don't know what to do to forgive myself for making a stupid decision of going away. Any advice?
  20. A Month

    My dad battled bipolar disorder his whole life. The worst of it happened many years ago and after his recovery he was stable for 17 years. Stable, but did not want to acknowledge what had happened. I would go to bipolar family support groups and he would pretend that all of those years while he was manic depressive didn't exist. I tried to convince to go to therapy, he joined some informal support group not meant for people with mental illness. Unbeknownst to me he stopped seeing his psychiatrist and started getting his psychiatric medication from his internist who knew nothing about treating a man with bipolar disorder. This doctor ended up prescribing two other medications that interacted with his lithium and he started developing a serious lithium toxicity and his kidneys started to shut down. My dad called this doctor for help, thinking he was destabilizing mentally and this piece of **** turned him away. He kept telling me he was fine and to leave him alone, but enough was enough and I showed up at his apartment. He was covered in bruises and his own feces and so relieved that I was there to help. We got him to the hospital and when they took his blood levels he had to have emergency dialysis. After he was medically cleared they put him in the psychiatric ward just to monitor him and make sure his lithium levels were back to normal and he was safe. He did not handle it well. He could not bare to be back in a psychiatric unit, even for a few days. Even though they were very kind and took good care of him. Eventually we found him a therapist and psychiatrist and he decided he no longer wanted to be on lithium. He said it caused him too much anxiety to be on the medication, even though it had kept him stable for all of that time before this. So he switched...his mood went really high and then dropped really low. Then he put a shotgun in his mouth and blew his head off. I'm doing my best to hang in there and make the "right" choices in dealing with my grief. I just feel like I'm drowning and I don't want to go on. I feel as if I failed him and I should have been there to save him. I miss him so much everyday.
  21. My mom passed away unexpectedly on July 9th, 2017 (a month ago). She was 64. I was the one who found her... I went to wake her up to watch TV & ask what she wanted for dinner... But she was gone... Since she passed away, I've been feeling anxiety about my dad... I've feel anxiety/fear at night after he goes to bed... I don't know how to stop being scared of finding my dad gone too...
  22. My Dad died a year ago on my birthday. It was very hard on me, because we were very close and like minded, and I had to take him off of life support. It took 6 months for me to stop spontaneously crying. Yesterday was the one year mark. I feel like my heart has shattered all over again. I'm angry, broken, and lost. I tried to rely on my fiancee, but he has proven to be...unreliable. My mom relies on me for everything now, and I have to be her rock. It feels like the world is caving in around me, and I don't know what to do.
  23. I've been married 30 yrs. 2 years ago, my inlaws asked us to come back to FL to help them as they were aging. We did. The day before Thanksgiving 2016, my father in law had a stroke. He was sent to rehab. Dec 29, 2016 I took mt Mother in law to the ER, she had to have a triple bypass. They both went to the same rehab/nursing home for 3 months. My FIL also had Alzheimer's. Hospice was involved with both of them after they came home and their health degraded so quickly. I think the rehab did something or didn't do something to cause this. My MIL had a stroke while in rehab because they took away her blood thinners. My FIL came home around Feb 25 2017 (give or take) and I was his caregiver all day everyday. He was a wonderfully funny & entertaining person. On May 4, he told me "I'm gonna miss you Tricia". I broke down in tears & ran out of the house. It hurt cause I knew! He then asked for my youngest son, I won't reveal what he said to him but it was nice. The next morning, he passed away. I was broken hearted. It was a joy & a pleasure to care for him. My MIL came home May 3,2017, I was her caregiver too. On June 14, 2017, I talked her into the light. She was suffering, had the "rattle" so I to,d her to head towards the light. She passed while I was talking to her & rubbing her arm & forehead. I dressed her in her favorite dress so she'd be pretty when she got to heaven. My heart was broken again. These people were like my own parents & now in 6 weeks they were both gone. I was caregiver for both of them. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. I'm 55, hubby is 61. I'm taking this loss a lot harder than he is. It really hurts. We didn't even get a chance to grieve the loss of my FIL and now she's gone too. I feel responsible though hospice said I went above and beyond. I did treat them both with love, care & respect. I loved these two people. Recap FIL passed May 5 2017 & MIL passed June 14, 2017 How do I get over this? How can I stop blaming myself? Is it my fault? I can't sleep, I can't eat. My stomach is in knots. I feel sick every time I try to eat. I'm hoping someone here can at least commiserate with me. Thanks to all! The pic of them was 1 1/2 yrs ago. It's unbelievable
  24. My father passed away on May 03, 2017. He fought prostate cancer for few years and when he died something in me died with him. I think of him all the time and don't know how to get out of my depression. My superman should still be here with me. I am also feeling mad at God for the pain and my mother's pain. My mother re-lives his death everyday due to Alzheimer's. My parents didn't deserve such pain.
  25. I lost my mother at the age of 22. She battled cancer for 3 years and her last 6 months were painfully slow. It was hard losing her and I suffered from very deep depression during and after her battle with cancer. My father struggled a lot to be by her side always. He drank a lot after she died. Our whole family was in pain. Half a year after my mother died they found a tumor in my dads kidney that they thought was cancer. They removed the tumor and everything seemed well. Now I found out a few months later that he needs to start chemo therapy.. He has lost a lot of weight and I am very afraid of what will happen next. I am terrified. I am 23-years-old and the second oldest from all my siblings. I have an older brother who has been constantly living off my parents and needs more care taking than our youngest sibling. I have three younger siblings aged 22, 19 and 7. One of my siblings already stuggless with their mental health and is constantly on medication. I am basically the one who has to take care of my younger siblings and support them because I know my older sibling can't. We are all still not that mature and I am really scared. I am so sad.. I don't even know what I need. I just needed to let this all out.. I have to be so strong for my siblings yet I am suffering. How do people do this? How are people capable of living knowing they will not have their parents there? I just need some reassuring words that everything is going to be okay.
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