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Found 38 results

  1. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
  2. Hello, I lost my 19 year old brother in a tragic car accident going on 4 weeks ago. He went to work that night, came home (he lived with my parents while he was going to school), got changed, gave my parents a big hug, and went to see his friends. He ended up at a party, where a girl he had an on-and-off thing for 2 years was with another guy. He was upset and tried to talk to her, eventually leaving the room she was in. She came downstairs and asked him "What the f*** are you still doing here?" He pounded a drink, grabbed his keys and tried to leave. One of his friends tried to stop him, but when my brother got angry, he got tunnel vision. A quarter mile down the road, he crashed into a huge sycamore tree. The roads were terrible that night, just awful sheets of rain. The road was windy with tight turns. He had his drivers license for less than a year and he wasn't familiar with the roads. His car was my car too, a big 20 year old clunky station wagon. It feels like his fate was sealed when he decided to get into the car, with so much riding against him. My brother was adopted, and came to our family 17 years to the day he died. I am in so much pain but I am trying so hard to keep going. I worry so much for my parents. My dad seems to be doing ok but my mom is in so much pain. I have felt I have gotten signs from my brother. A few nights after he died, I was sitting with my parents and I felt the presence of someone behind me. As I started to cry, my chest got warm and tight. My brother was known for his big, bone-crushing hugs. I haven't felt his physical presence since, but I felt like that hug was him saying goodbye. Thank you so much for listening to my story. My brother meant so much to me and my family. I miss him so much and I look forward to sleep every night because sometimes I see and hear him in my dreams.
  3. Loss of older brother

    I recently lost my oldest brother, 33 to a severe car accident he and his wife of 11 and a half years were in. I received the call that she was in the hospital and that he did not make it. My whole world came crashing down. In an instant everything I loved and held dear to my heart was taken from me. It's been 3 months going on four months and I still wait up for him to come home, I'm still having neightmares of it happening to us again. This pain will never go away, I still hear all these voices in my head "he didn't make it" I had to call my mom and tell her that her baby was gone all I hear everyday "I have to go my son died". There is no reason this accident should have happened there was no traffic, it wasn't raining. The only cause is reckless driving. The man who hit them was late to work, he was speeding. He put his life before my brothers life. He took him away from me, my family, his wife, my 5 year old niece. He was her god father , he was suppose to take care of her. How is any of this fair? What did we do to deserve this? He was as close as it comes to being perfect. He always put others before himself, always so kind, giving, thoughtful and always laughing, smiling and jokeing around. He always did everything for us, he was the older brother aka the other dad, there were four of us kids, he always took care of us even when he didn't have to. His response was always the same when he did something for us "it's because I want to" I'll never get over all the hurt, sadness, anger, anxiety. Everything was so traumatic, it still is to this day. My life has forever been ruined. This man who hit him is out there, he's on the road who's to say he won't do this again? Why is he allowed to live, come home to his family? His complete family. I never got to say good bye, hug him, or tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. The day he ended my brothers life he ended mine.
  4. This is the first i have reached out to any support group but ill try my best. I lost my older brother to suicide 3 months ago on Sunday. He was 4 years older than me and was 23. I always looked up to him and he was the strongest person i knew. he had the biggest heart in the world and he would do anything for anyone often putting others before himself. Sadly i didn't get to see him much the past few years as he joined the army when i was in high school and i did a terrible job of trying to keep in touch with him. He was never the type of person to call people and i wish i had got to talk to him more. I think about him every day and some days are okay. But other days are just terrible and i have no motivation. Ill lay in bed for hours doing nothing and sometimes the only thing that makes me get is having to be at work. Its been especially hard lately with the holidays as that was the time of year I usually got to see him. I'm going to visit the cemetery tomorrow for the first time since the funeral and I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel about it as I've never visited anyone in a cemetery.
  5. My Angel Brother

    It was the 4th March 2016 I was at my friends surprise 21st birthday party, enjoying our night - my mum called, she was baby sitting my nephew and nieces as my brother Charlie and his wife were out for dinner. She wanted me to go home, and look after the kids as my brother Oliver had been rushed to hospital and she couldn't get hold of my other brother. I told her I couldn't look after the kids, as I had a lot to drink and didn't feel responsible, not realising how serious things were with Olly. I told my mum to contact me when she knew what was going on, I then got a phone call about 1:30am on 5th March - My brother Charlie was on the other end of the phone, telling me to come home, I asked was olly ok? he responded with you need to come home, I said what's happened tell me now! he then said those dreaded words 'his dead' at that moment everything around me was dark, I collapsed to the floor screaming, unsure of how, what and why this happened? my partner came and got me and we went to my mums, walking in I still didn't believe what I had been told, the room was cold, I just looked at my brother and mum and knew at that point Olly was gone. It is now over a year on, and I still cant go a day without thinking about him, without crying, without asking why? he had a heart attack at work, he had no previous major heart problems - why did this happen? how did this happen to a 32 year old man? I don't know if I will ever be able to understand or cope with this. I just don't know how.
  6. I hope you have a nice day
  7. Here's the thing, losing someone that means the world to you leaves you in a sense of being perpetually stuck in melancholy and the emptiness that will forever remain knowing the will never return home. I lost my brother less than a year ago on May 11, 2016 from rare sudden unexplained death of epilepsy. My family, me, his girlfriend he had planned his future with, his friends, and everyone else his heart touched was unprepared for those last moments my brother Jackson was here. My family is forever damaged by his death. My parents mourn the loss of their first child and are left with only one child, me. I have rethought every moment of his life that lead to his death over and over again and yet I am still filled with guilt for many reasons. My parents unintentionally make me feel as if I am unworthy because there only focus is my brother, and trust me I understand the reason their focus is him. Although it leads my mental health to go into spiral of loneliness. More than my parents, my friends have slowly distanced themselves from me stating that I was unable to be fixed by them which drove them crazy. Now I feel as if everyone in my life is destined to leave and that something deep within me causes people that I love to go. I have guilt regarding the relationship of my brother and I. On May 9th Jackson had his third seizure which lead to him being unconscious in the hospital for two days until 3:35 a.m. his heart stopped causing the monitor to go into an endless line and hearing the horrid noise exemplifying his death. He was a healthy person and the surprise of his death shocked us all because when he had experienced only two seizures the doctors found nothing wrong in his brain. I remember crying the hardest I have ever and almost screaming because the feeling of his absence did not feel right and never will. I remember reaching for his hand to hold one last time but by this time I could see his body had failed him and was bruised and his hand was so cold. Everything about those moments even though represented he had died, I never want to fully believe it. How could the person I could truly count on, the one person that would never abandon me, forever leave me alone. I think about the future he was supposed to have and in fact the sunday before his third seizure I remember sitting on the couch with my brother. That morning we watched our favorite show, The Office, and our laughter filled the room as we filled out the envelopes for his graduation party regarding the end of his high school career. Jackson never made it to the end of his senior year. He never went off to college with his girlfriend for almost three years. He did not spend that summer with me and our parents in Singapore, when we had planned to move there from Idaho. Everything changed, my brother Jackson Eliot Casey was robbed of this future. On the date of that Sunday before he became unconscious I remember us talking about the future, I remember thinking about how amazing it would be to have our children play together one day. I thought about how I could not wait until we were older and more mature and our friendship would grow. I and he will never experience this future we both had imagined. Throughout this journey of losing Jackson, I have tried to commit suicide and almost everyday I contemplate it. There are reasons I know I should not, and then there are times when it feels as if it were the only answer. I am so lonely and the idea of seeing my brother once more is something I want more than anything. I just truly want the pain to dissolve but I can not escape the life that is mine. When someone you love and care deeply about dies, you lose them forever but you're stuck feeling lost yourself.
  8. Hi there, This is the first time I am talking about my older brothers suicide in August 2013. He was 24 at the time and I was 22. I'm now 24, and all I can think about is how much I miss him. The idea I struggle with the most is that he's gone forever, and I'll never again feel fully satisfied with life. Any achievements I make are tainted, when I have get married, it won't be the happiest day of my life. Every single moment of my life has changed forever. Everyone said it would get better, but to be honest, it's gotten much worse for me. Every single moment of every say hurts - I miss him with every fibre of my being, and the guilt I feel it unimaginable. That's all for now - its been hard enough doing this. R
  9. Loss of a brother to Homocide

    It's been a while, so maybe it's a bit strange to only be posting this now. But my older brother passed away in January of this year. He was killed at random at 24 and was my only sibling. Since then I have had a hard time accepting and coping with his death. I often find myself still not believing it happened, which frustrates me. I loved my brother more than I can ever begin to express, and I feel like even now 8 months later that I am not myself. I used to be this happy, bubbly talkative person. But now I feel sensitive and like I am more grumpy, over dramatic and not as fun to be around anymore. I want to be myself again and I feel like I'm struggling. I don't know what to do, or how to move forward and feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away from who I want to be. Is this normal? Are there any steps towards becoming myself again. I sometimes feel it, but it's in short bursts, like maybe an hour or less, and then I feel exhausted. I hate this feeling of losing myself.
  10. Why did he have to go

    I'll never forget the call I received on June 24th 2016, about my half brother's unexpected death. His mother called me with the dreaded news and it ran me over like a train, making my knees weak. The police had found him in his van, stiff. The cause of death was a heroin overdose. He was only 26. His mother thinks the OD was intentional, but I'll never know the answer. The depths of turmoil are unmeasurable, and vast. I feel as though I'm free falling and that there is no end in my emotional grief. So much confusion, chaos and uncesing despair. I had heard he was doing well, he had supposably cleaned up and was doing well. Everyone thought that. But for some reason I can't explain why, but I was pretty concerned for months. My sister and my mom thought I was being crazy by how often I brought up how worried I was about him. The last time I had talked on the phone with him was in April, a month before his passing. I had not spoken to him on the phone or have seen him in years. (We had stayed in subtle contact by commenting occasionally on each other's social media posts.) He called saying he wanted to come down and visit, saying he'd meet up with me around noon the next day. I was extremely thrilled. When the next day arrived, I had not heard from him. I called a couple times, texted, even Facebook messaged him, he never replied. He flaked on me with no explanation. So I was hurt and irritated. I didn't make any efforts to contact him again and he didn't make any either. And just like that he's gone. I have many many regrets. I am eaten alive with so much guilt and remorse, I wish I had reached out more to him, and had a bigger connection to him. His disease isolated him from his loved ones. It has plagued him for years, and he fought it daily. The idea of him dying alone thinking no one cared about him sends me into a weeping spiral. I can't sleep without sobbing, I'm overwhelmed with daily tasks, one moment I'm fine but all of a sudden my emotions rapidly change and I don't know where they're going to land: either I'm weeping or going into a colossal rage. I feel like I'm going insane, and all I want is my big brother to be here. My birthday was 2 days ago, first birthday with him absent. So strange and painful it was. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so emotional drained by life in general
  11. Hi, I'm Gia. I had a 19 year old brother, Gio. I am 13, a teenager. My brother and I were very close and shared everything. We had a rough past, and went through it together. We needed each other.. On August 26th, my brother died in his sleep. It's a generic thing that only will happen to him. His body shut down by his own tissue blockage and died in his sleep. My mother found him dead. I was at school when it happened. My mother came home at 10am to find him dead. My school gets out at 3pm, and I wasn't aware of the situation at all. It was the second day of school, and an ordinary day to me. I was walking with my BEST friend, and we were walking to my stepdad's car. I had opened my snapchat, to find a picture of my friend with a sad face and crying. I thought nothing of it, and thought she just had a bad day. I also recieved a text from my brothers girlfriend, saying "I love you so much, so so much." Again, I thought nothing of it, as she was very sweet and caring. My friend and I got in my stepdads car, and I could immediately tell he was acting funny. My stepdad is a loud person, kinda like a morning person. But, that day, he was very quiet as we drove home. I asked if my friend could come over, and he said no. I asked why, and he said "Honey, she can't." I was still confused, but didn't say anything else. My stepdad took a different way to my friend's house, as the path to her house usually passed mine, but I didn't think anything of it. We then dropped my friend off, and pulled up to our house. There were police cars everywhere, about 3 or 4 approximately. I was confused, very confused. I ran out of the car, and into the house. Tons, and TONS of my family members were there, and crying with tissues. They were all staring at me, and not saying a word. I felt so confused. "What happened?" I kept asking, and no one replied. My mom came through the hallway, and didn't say anything. My body was shaking, and I felt very nervous. "Mom, what happened?" I kept asking, and she kept saying, "Come into my room." On our way to my moms room, is my brothers room. There were police officers around it, and a doctor. I heard a machine, and instantly my mind went crazy. I knew from that moment, he was gone. We arrived into my moms room, and her close friends were inside. My mom said words I wish never had to exist or be said. I cried in her arms for an hour. From there, my world came crashing down. It was the worst time. School had just started, there was an important wedding coming up, and expensive concerts. Everything was a blur, and I felt crazy. I saw my brother's body, and I can never forget the picture. Sometimes in class it just pops up in my mind. It haunts me. I didn't think I would have a life after this happened. I thought I would be homeschooled, and have no friends. I gave up, really. I didn't think I can live without him. Here I am, almost 6 months (in 2 days it will be the 6 month anniversary) from his passing. I am a strong Christian, and that really helped me with this time. I had 'signs' as my family calls them, from my brother. If you've had any, I'd love to hear them from you, and share some of mine with you. I promise it will get better, it really will. And I reccomend going to a grief support group, or a grief share. At first I thought it was stupid, but it helped to know others are in my position. I wish you the best, whoever is reading this. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.
  12. Am I the only one?

    I'm not sure what the limit is on posts? I posted one yesterday, I'm new here. My question to everyone here is, if anyone has experienced resentment towards their family after their sibling's death? If so has it gotten better? Here's my story... My older brother (only sibling) passed away about 8 months ago. He was 24, I'm 22. Heroin overdose (accidental) I live in Florida, where I've been living for two years for school. My mom also lives down here, retired with her husband for about five years. My brother lived in Pennsylvania, where we are all from. The only reason why he didn't move with me was because he was on parol and couldn't leave the state, So there's a little info to understand my hurt. So about two weeks following my brother's death, my pop had a stoke. My mother and her husband flew up to PA to make sure he was going to be okay. I stayed for work, assuming everything would be fine. The week following my pop's stroke, my brother passed away at my grandparent's home, he was found on the floor, shower running, in his boxers, still warm, they just couldn't get him back. My mother texted me while I was at work saying "call me 911" meaning emergency, I immediately assumed my pop had passed. I went to the back to call her and she told me to sit. When she said it was my brother, I collasped to the floor, screaming, kicking, I didn't know it was possible to cry for a full 24 hours. I flew home immediately to be with my family and grieve, couldn't help but hate myself for not taking the opportunity that was sent to us to see my brother one last time before he passed away. I see my pop having that stroke as a sign from God, calling the family together and I missed it. My whole family got to see him the weeks prior except me so for that I resent them, selfishly. When I got to my home state, to my grandmother's, everyone was there crying. My mom was passes out, I was told that she took 20 pills (Xanax) and I needed her most. That whole week, I was the mother and she was the child. It was an unexpected disappointment. I wrote my brother's obituary and spoke at his funeral, I made sure everyone was okay, making sure my mother didn't break the casket from trying to lay on him. Yelling for them not to take him. I had to make sure people we're smiling and eating at the dinner we had for family and friends. My mom stole my grief and everyone let her because she was his mother, and I'm nothing but his sister. Right now, me and my mother's relationship is on thin ice, I'm planning on moving far away after I'm done with school. Travel the world, maybe. The things she's said to me and have done to me since this tragedy is forgiveable but unforgettable. The bond we had is broken, it will never be the same, I feel. My brother gave the strength to go through that the week of the funeral and on every holiday since. It's been so unfair to not be the one who gets that shoulder to cry on.
  13. I lost my only sibling, my older brother, who was 24 and I am currently 22. I lost him a week after my birthday, Nov. 19th, 2014. I was at work when I got the call that my brother lost his battle with Heroin. He was very good looking, he didn't know that though, he was very insecure. I was always the angel growing up, he was the cool, bad ass. He was popular and did drugs and loved to party. Once I turned 16, you can say I joined him and we shared that bond. We became so close and did a lot of adventuring together. Just enjoying life and living on the edge, he molded me into the adrenaline junkie, I am today. I miss our long car rides to nowhere, blasting music, I miss us talking crap about everyone who doubted us, I miss our inside jokes, I miss him being over protective with me and the guys I date. I even miss his anger, his harsh words, his selfish actions. We had so many plans together, my memories with him are now from one perspective, he's not here to argue what really happened. He was so loud, his presence was so aggressive, he was so animated. He called me at least 10 times a day, if not more and if he was in the room, don't expect to get a word out, this loss is great. My life is now nothing but silence, my mother and I have drifted apart. She's always zombified off of her Xanax, so no use in talking to her. She usually doesn't remember our conversations anyway. So i've been going out a lot, getting drunk and high. Feeling very alone these days. I just feel like i have no one. Even when people try to reach out, I don't accept their calls or texts. I just want to sit and miss him, and I don't want to get better. I don't want to lose him, even though he's already gone.. I don't want to succeed without him, I don't want to live happy without him here, It feels so wrong. I'm not suicidal but sometimes I wish i would just get into a freak accident. That way me and him can be together and I won't feel bad...
  14. Loss Of My Big Brother

    I lost my 24 yr old Brother on 2-23-14 to suicide and I am having the hardest time accepting this I can barely function the pain is almost unbearable! I have so many questions that can never be answered. I can't sleep I have been told that every night I cry and scream for him but in the morning I don't remember...I really need help and advice please??
  15. Murdered at 4yrs...

    My baby brother was murdered at the age of 4, he was suffocated to death with a plastic bag in 1999 and i never met him... I feel like sometimes i dont have a right to be upset because i never knew him but its exactly that... i never knew him and i never will because some savage monster took a little boys life... 2 little boys lives because he was jealous! And now in 2018 he'll have chance of Parole. Wtf does that mean?!! He KILLED my brother.. How dare he be able to try and live a normal life!
  16. I'm 20 and a college student. My brother was 23 but as cerebral palsy, his personality was an 8year old. How he died? The complications of ammonia and congested heart failure (weak heart). It was a very prolonged death. At first we didn't knew he was going to die. He was diagnosed in November for congested heart failure. Was hospitalized for a whole month and was sent home until I called 911 because he was experiencing tachycardia. By the way, my brother does not communicate at all and and can not do anything for himself so my whole life routine was always him, cleaning, bathing, feeding, etc. so what I'm trying to say is my mom and i had to go with our instincts on Jeffrey's(my brother) health. It was such a hard a long experience. It was horrible! My family consists of me, my mom and my dad but he is divorced from my mom. We would all take turns staying the night with him. At one point I went back to college after thanks giving and came back in December. We never had the idea that Jeffrey was dying because the doctors did not say he was until later in December, I had to stay the night with him. All of a sudden, he fell ill on me and more than 20 doctors came rushing in. The things I saw traumatized me. I would yell at the doctors to stop, get out, you're making him scared, stop taking blood from him, don't restrain him, get off of him. To see my brother who doesn't know what's going on and can not communicate, I felt his pain to the point of intubating him. That's when my mom and dad came and we all knew that Jeffrey is dying. People do recover after they intubation so we all still had hope. We did not celebrate Christmas or New Years. We just stayed at the intense care section watching him sleep. He was not in a comma but he was really sedative. He was intubated for two weeks, two weeks of non responding. I had ended up being the strong one in the family, my mom and dad were distraught and I never seen them like that before. Crying and crying, I was their only child. We are catholic so we prayed the rosary to him everyday. Our belief was what gave us little strength and our other family members who would also come and stay with us. In the end, my parents made the decision to take him off life support because doctors said he was not getting any better. I also agreed and we all said our goodbyes to him. He died January 9, 2015. I never got the chance to grieve. I had to stay strong throughout the whole process for my parents. We had one funeral in NYC and then the next day we flew to my parents home country for a second funeral and the burial. Then fly back to NYC and the next day go back to school which is upstate, 3 hrs away from home. Till this day, I have no time for grieving but i feel very sad and stressed due to classes and work. I just want to go home but I'm scared to come back home and not find him there.
  17. Here’s some stuff that I learned when my brother died unexpectedly just over three years ago. Shock feels like a lack of oxygen in your blood whilst most of you is still ticking over. You feel unconnected from things - other wordly. Hopefully if you’ve people around you they’ll place you where you need to be so that you don’t try and float across a busy road or drink tea that’s too hot. The moment you hear the news that you know is going to change things forever you think some pretty dumb stuff. My brother died in late November. I think one of the first things I said was, ‘That’s Christmas ruined’ as if that mattered. And it is kind of ruined but so was everything for a pretty long time. My now-husband, told me the news and he did it just about as best as someone can deliver that news - straight up. Unambiguous. I recommend that as soon as you get bad news, if you have the opportunity and wherewithal, you should try and block it out a little with something pleasant and distracting. My husband had brought a laptop and sitcom DVDs with him and we watched that on the train on the way to see my folks. I credit that with holding me together a bit better and buffering the raw pain a bit. They say that it’s a good idea for trauma to do that, it helps over the longer term too I reckon. When the remaining members of my family got together we all talked a lot, about my brother and about preparing ourselves for the grieving process. We acknowledged that everyone would experience things differently. We established a rule really early on that we would be honest with each other about when we are having a bad day. We still, pretty much, try to adhere to this rule but it was definitely a good idea for those first few months. I wanted to go into grieving wide eyed to avoid some of the pitfalls. That sounds weird I know but I didn’t want to do it wrong and get all messed up. My approach was to cry pretty much solidly for at least a week, (that wasn’t a choice, that just happened), then to try and break up the worst bits into more manageable sections. That meant allowing myself maybe an hour a day to feel the enormity of it, and to think about the longer and larger impacts - all the ‘why’s and ‘never’s. So I kept that pretty well topped up and it worked - if I missed a ‘session’ I could feel it simmering under, needing to get out. Physical comfort is a huge thing and a great answer to the question, ‘What can I do for someone who is grieving?’ I needed soft things - slippers, cardigan, soft pillow. Just things that felt gentle. Sleep is important, as everyone knows. Mine was never great but grief messed with it even more because I hated the thoughts before bed and the nightmares. Barely sleeping makes grief about 23 times worse. Stuff getting better is true. Of course it’s not strictly linear but there’s an upward line of best fit. Some hours you can feel almost as bad as you did in those first few days, but it is definitely more manageable. You get some of the really nice bits about enjoying life back eventually too - that can take ages but it’s good when it happens and you forget to notice - that’s a really big move forward. It’s totally understandable not to want to move forward particularly. In a way holding on to the grief is holding on to the connection and a way of pretending it wasn’t so long ago that you last saw that person. I’m not going to advise you away from that but maybe try and do the ‘manageable sections of grief’ thing as much as your brain and eyes will allow you. Don’t do it alone if you can possibly avoid it - do talk to people, bore people with it if you need to. They’ll hopefully suck it up and keep on listening when there’s absolutely nothing left to say. Gut punch references relevant to your situation are everywhere in the first few months. You’re experiencing the world with ears that hear death related references in capital letters. That fades after a bit, with just the odd jab here and there. A bit about the other party here - the one that’s missing from the picture. They’re definitely OK now, so that’s something that you can generally put in the win column. Pretty blank column otherwise. I did that thing people say to do where you write to them, and burn the letter. It genuinely helped a little. I recommend you give it a whirl even if it makes you feel like you’re pretending to be a white witch. It makes a lot of sense and where else was I going to send the invitation to my wedding that he should totally have been at. You can’t mollycoddle yourself forever but you can protect yourself from unnecessary situations. I had a couple of things in my calendar that I really didn’t feel up to - places where I would have been fixing a smile, but I thought I had to test myself or not let people down. My friend said ‘Just cancel on them. There is nothing good about this situation, so you may as well use it to get out of some stuff you don’t want to do.’ She is cool. Going easy on yourself is best. You’re already doing enough if it’s been a while and you’re back to doing some of your old routine. "Death is a fucker that should **** the **** off" - this bit’s about anger. Anger is cool because you can really get behind it and you can channel it into an outward, energetic thing. Make sure you do that -maybe dancing or something if boxing’s not your bag, so you don’t misuse it by saying spiteful, super negative things to the people you love too often. A big thing is to be gentle and kind to yourself. I threw myself into work and that went OK for a while but then stuff was building up and not getting dealt with and so it was only a temporary answer really. You do need time to process things. Don’t expect too much from yourself and get frustrated. Try and set other people’s expectations too. Of course some people are going to be in a race to get you ‘back to your old self’ because they love you and want what’s best for you but that’s just not going to happen. You’re going to be altered forever, and you should be, you’ve lost someone you love. That person continuing to shape you even after they’re gone is how they get to stick about. Being altered doesn’t mean staying unhappy. Try, if you can, not to let people push you to do stuff you’re not yet ready for. Stretching yourself a little is good, but trying to do too much too soon can end up being a net loss in progress terms. Grief sneaks up on you like the dirtbag it is, even after ages. This might be when you’re watching a perfectly bad sitcom that accidentally pokes you in the grief. Just knowing it’s lurking there is helpful. A final word about bitterness. I am pretty bitter about stuff. It’s not great. You don’t want the rot to set in too deeply. Just something to keep an eye on, and then you can be all ‘**** you, bitterness.’ I wish you the actual best with moving towards a happier place where your loss feels more manageable. xxx ( https://www.tumblr.com/reblog/105262108103/oL1Dq7z1'>
  18. I wrote an article for my college writing platform about my mother's death and not being able to say my last goodbyes to her. I also interviewed a variety of people who have lost their loved ones from different reason. It's all very touching and personal. Please read, share and comment. https://medium.com/substance/the-last-goodbye-8ad262a27502?source=tw-7d302ffef0e5-1417214533254https://medium.com/substance/the-last-goodbye-8ad262a27502?source=tw-7d302ffef0e5-1417214533254
  19. I just wanted to put mine and his story out their, and ask for help. Austin was my older brother by 8 years, whom at first I did not even know existed till I was 13 years old. when he was younger he ran away from home to Mexico to smoke pot and surf (he was amazing at surfing). but as soon as he ran out of money he came back and turned my world upside down, I was never told that I had a second older brother but as soon as he came back he wanted to make up for lost time, he taught me how to surf, wood work, drink, play soccer, and how to be an overall great human being (that part i am still working on). but just over 6 months ago when he was 23 and I was 15 years old I woke up one morning to go for a run (i was and still am trying to lose weight). to come back to find my home flooded by cops and hearing that my older brother had hung him self in our garage. From then till now i have been in a perpetual feeling of numbness, I have not cried a single tear, I have not lost a wink of sleep and i am starting to wonder if i am even human. This news was a huge shock to my system, I mean he had the perfect life a great job in the sals department, had a loving feanccé, and a great little apartment. But the worst thing of all of this was that the week before he came over to my house angry about god knows what and he started to aggravate my mother and father who would never lift a hand towards him. As for me though even though I loved my brother I would not stand for the tears he brought to my parents faces because of the words he called them, thus i took him out side where we fought angrily till it finished with me on top of him beating him bloody forcing my father to pull me off of him. This was not the first time i have been in a fight like this with him or someone else but this is the first time someone has died as result of this brawl. As i said before ever since his death i have never cried a tear on his behalf and I have not lost a nights sleep, so I was just wondering if anyone knows a psychological reason behind this and can help me feel more human about this whole ordeal.
  20. Grieving Never Ends

    I know now that my grief on losing siblings will never end. It hasn't, not in years. It changes, and sometimes it doesn't visit until I lie down to sleep at night. Some days, it seems to have lifted and I can feel happy and content, remembering them, feeling the love they had felt for me and then, often, dreaming about them too helps. But sudden tears happen at odd times, without even having knowingly thought about how much I miss them. The feeling of no longer quite belonging to this world, since we three were so close, and I have never felt as close to anyone else. I know I never will. Intimacy, the closeness of complete trust and open-hearted love, unconditionally, was the bedrock of our relationships. Siblings are the only ones we expect to accompany us all throughout life, after all. The only ones who've known and loved us as children or babies, teenhood, and through life's phases. The ones who are supposed to be there in the future, through old age. It feels like the gravity is missing and I'm just floating through some kind of dimension, not like the full-fledged real life I had before. I feel isolated, like there is no one I can call, not ever again, who will truly connect with me on a soul-level. The "survivor guilt" is a part of this loss, I suppose, but it's really more of a feeling that nothing is right, nothing feels complete, and I just feel lost. It does not get better with time, although grief shifts and changes in it's expression and in intensity. It's always there and happiness is never going to be as complete again. This much I know. I accept it. But the sadness seems unbearable sometimes, and I'm glad I have found your forum. Only those who have lost siblings truly understand.
  21. I lost my older brother, Riley Kaczanowski, less than a month ago to a heroin overdose. He was my best friend and we had gotten even closer in recent months. I only found out he was doing heroin when he was caught with possession in October 2013. He quit when he was arrested and he was doing so well, getting his life back on track and spending more time than ever with his family. I saw him once about a week before he died and he admitted he was high. He was not my sweet, funny, caring brother when he was high and it broke my heart that he went back to it. I didn't tell my parents right away, I didn't want to worry them anymore and my sister and I thought he would quit again. I went to Cuba with my boyfriend on January 24, 2014 for a two week vacation. I got a call from my sister on January 27 telling me she found our brother dead in his home the day before. We couldn't leave Cuba until January 31 due to flight restrictions. I so desperately wanted to be home with my family. It was amazing that this vacation in paradise that I was so excited for turned to hell and I couldn't leave fast enough. I didn't get to see my brother one last time and I didn't get to say goodbye. I go hours feeling numb and detached and then it will hit me and I will break down. It has been hell trying to be strong for my poor mom and dad, I know they are hurting even more than me which, truly, I can't fathom. I am so sad for my dear sister that she had to find him that way. It kills me to know my family will never be whole again. My brother had recently started going to church with my mom, which he had never done in the past. In December, a month before he died, he got very emotional talking to me about God and how much he wanted me to accept Jesus into my life. I found out today that he said to his best friend months before "I think I'm going to die soon." and he went on to tell her that she needed to accept Jesus so they would be together in heaven. I don't even know what to make of all of this. I know FOR A FACT that this was not intentional. He would never hurt his family like this ever. He had a to do list and his first and last month's rent (he was moving at the end of the month) and he had more drugs that he was presumably going to do after this fatal hit. This is the only thing that I find comforting, that he didn't mean for any of this to happen. I know he never meant to die. My heart is broken beyond repair, and I know the true magnitude of what I have lost has not even sunk in. I love him so much and I miss him and I just want to see his handsome smile again. People say he's in heaven now and he's peaceful now but I need him here with me. How am I supposed to live without him?
  22. On Friday, my youngest brother died in a motorcycle accident. His death was instant and hopefully painless, when he hit a car that turned suddenly in front of him. Although he had a helmet on, he died on impact. He was 23 years old and the youngest of 5. We had recently connected in the last few years after a messy divorce and custody battle between his dad and my mom. Sadly, the last time I physically saw him was when he was 3 years old. During our re-connection, we talked frequently and "saw" each others photos and activities on Facebook. Although I am so blessed to have reconnected, I am so sad we never got to have that last hug. I am absolutely brokenhearted. I cry and cry then I will be fine for a few minutes, then cry some more. I have no appetite and when I do eat I feel sick to my stomach. I talk with my other siblings about it but I don't feel they want to listen to me because they are grieving too. My husband doesn't understand and doesn't seem interested when I want to talk because he feels uncomfortable. I have a young child and I don't want to cry in front of him because he is too little to understand. I am so very sad inside. I am going to call a Therapist on Monday to see if I can go talk to someone. In the mean time, I am thinking of positive things I can do to honor my brother. I was thinking of a setting up a scholarship fund at his high school or making a charitable donation in his name.
  23. My little brother stopped speaking to our parents three years ago. He is 17 years old and lives in their house with them. He attends high school and is a straight A student, although the only reason we know that is because the school sends the report card in the mail. His teachers adore him, at least that's what they say at parent teacher conferences. My brother and I have a pretty substantial age difference - 9 years - so our relationship was never the typical brother/sister situation. I have always felt more like a caregiver to him, which in some ways I think makes this even harder. He stopped speaking to me last summer, just about a year ago. I miss him so much. I came to visit him for his birthday but he wouldn't see me. I begged and cried and he finally agreed to go with me. We had such a great time! I thought for sure that at least I would be able to maintain communication with him- he and I were always closer than he was with the rest of the family. Unfortunately, that was the last time we spoke face-to-face. When I came home for Christmas last year, my brother stayed in his room the entire time. That is what he does every time I am there and, according to my mom, every day. If he needs to leave his room, he runs to either the bathroom or the shower and then quickly back to him room again. He has shut the door in my face too many times to count. The reason he is not speaking to my parents is because several years ago, he refused to do a homework assignment in one of his classes. The teacher called a meeting with him and our parents and our parents took the teacher's side. They told my brother he needs to complete his homework whether he thinks it is important or not (it was just a reading log... he had to write a summary of what he read each day... any book of his choosing). My brother was outraged and said there were oppressive adultists. He has not spoken a word to either of them since. We have tried many things. My parents have apologized, told him they loved him no matter what, said all was forgiven. They've used more drastic measures and took his door off the hinges, threatened to call the cops, actually did call the cops (they didn't do anything), took his computer away, took him to a psychiatrist, talked with counselors, begged to his teachers... nothing helped. My mom writes him family newsletters every week and slips them under his door. He rips them up. She makes a dinner plate for him every night and sets his place at the table. It is so incredibly sad to look at his empty place setting but my mom insists. I used to send him emails every week until he recently deleted his email account. The first time one bounced back it felt like someone punched my soul. The only explanation he's given me is that he thinks I am sharing information about him with mom and dad. It is a tough spot to be in because I love my brother and my parents and I just don't understand why he is punishing them like this. We suspect he may have Aspergers. I am a social worker and have seen similar behaviors in other children on the autism spectrum, but obviously I cannot diagnose him. In fact, no one can because he now refuses to get in the car with any of us. He won't even go to the doctor. I accept that he doesn't want to talk to our parents anymore and have told him that. I promised him I would not bring up anything about his estrangement or anything else- I just want to be his sister again. He's deleted me on facebook, email, won't answer his door when I knock, rips up notes I leave him... I mean, I just don't know what else to do. I have urged my parents to speak with county mental health services in their area to see if someone can come to the house. The problem is that he is so high functioning, having him ruled mentally unfit/disabled may hurt his chances at being independent. We just have no idea if he is capable of living independently or not. He will be 18 next summer and we are all clueless about his plans. I apologize for what must seem like a selfish rant in a forum where people have no doubt suffered losses much more painful than mine. I do not pretend to understand the sorrow of experiencing the death of a sibling. I just really, really miss my brother and wish I could be a part of his life. I want to know him. I want to see the type of young man he is growing up to be. I just don't know how to reach him anymore. All my best to all of you dealing with the sadness of grief.
  24. I never understood when people say something is surreal. Now I fully understand. My brother has been chasing demons, including alcoholism, for many, many years. He was an attorney and arguably one of the most intelligent people I know. He lost two jobs due to his addiction. At the age of 55 he had to rely on my parents for financial assistance. His marriage ended, although he was still friends with his ex. I struggle now, as I am estranged from my family. I never really had much of a relationship with my brother after college (I'm 51). However, the pain and sorrow is still very strong. My brother shot him self and in his meticulous way, left notes for people, including the responding officer. My ex sister in law called the police because she was unable to reach him for several days. I have yet to call my parents and have very mixed emotions about doing such. My mother wants no obituary and no service. This is a stigma to her, and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she hardly told any one what happened. It's always about perceptions with her. When my younger brother got divorced, she didn't tell the 'church ladies' because "they don't need to know." Yeah, the kicker is she advertises herself as being religious. Another topic for another day....
  25. Hi forum, I stumbled across this page in the hopes of getting some advice for my current situation, which I'm sure you all can relate to in some way or form. We lost my younger brother 5 years ago this July, to an accidental heroin (with other drugs) overdose. Matthew was 24 years old and at the time I was 25. It was such a shock to everyone, we all knew Matt was a little wild and had tried a lot of things to help him, which ultimately didn't. He wasn't known to use heroin either, which was another shock. At the time also, I was in a committed relationship for about 4 months and really, without my partner being there for me, I probably wouldn't have found the strength that I did to keep going. I did all the organising for his funeral, sitting up through all hours of the morning organising his photo slideshow, writing a eulogy, picking the music and speaking to the priest. I felt it was my duty as Matt's older sister to do this for him. I didn't even cry much during my eulogy - which I'm still surprised at today. Basically, 5 years on, my partner believes that I haven't dealt with his death 'properly'. We are going through some dramas and I believe this might be stemming from holding a lot of hurt in. I feel at this point in my life that I am at a crossroads - and I am really unsure of how to deal with this. I feel I have gone through some major changes as a person and now my partner is the one copping the brunt of these. As the eldest, I have always been the 'good' one so this might have some reason as to why I am feeling the way I am. Also, I have another younger brother who is just getting worse and worse since Matt's death. Constantly getting in trouble, unemployed, doing drugs, stealing from EVERYONE (even our from grandparents) and has a young daughter who he never sees. It is taking toll on our Dad as he says hurtful things like 'If you don't give me money, I'm just going to kill myself' things like that to make Dad feel guilty. Does anyone relate to these feelings? I have never spoken to a therapist or counsellor, which is maybe something I need to do. It feels like I am going through a 1/4 life crisis of some sorts? I would love ANY info/advice from you guys, as I feel no one really understands where I am coming from. Please help! Lala
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