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  1. Hello.Its been awhile since I have been here.I Lost my husband of 41 yrs.I am on the religious forum cause my problem is spiritual.In 4 days it will be a year since I saw him die.Problem is I can't grieve.People are telling me I am grieving in just the way God made me to grieve.That stems from my strong will.As an abused child I learned coping strategys to deal with the pain.They came alive when I lost Larry.I have no emotion.No tears.No hope,no happiness he is safe at home.I hope there is a pastor on this site ,for I need help. Ok,I cried once,and that is when my defenses went up.God is trying to knock them down but they are inpenetrable to my eyes,which I know how stupid that sounds.I do have one other emotion.Faith.It is strong.In this past year,I had triple by-pass surgery(without Larry)It has been six months since that,so I am healed for a few years.Whoop-de-do.I have gratitude that the Lord is taking care of me ,no matter what and there are a lot of "whats".I had to put down my 9 yr old cat the day I got out of hosp.She had major open sore ,infected.and I was only gone for 8 days.It was the kindest thing for her.Sothen I was gifted with 2 kittens and everything they needed.And was told I could only have one and they had been together since birth.I still have them and they are not bringing it back up.July 27th the ceiling in my apt fell in.From back wall to ceiling fan.Termites.All had to replaced.I have a severe panic disorder.I can't be away from my home for that long.then they found the leak in the roof in my bedroom so it had to be redone.Now everything is fixed but the massive flea infestation,It has taken me from that day to This to rid them poor babies from fleas.I can't walk in with out my leg covered with so many fleas ,like dozens,you can't miss them.I should be overwhelmed by all this.But I see blessings.I an rebelling against God.He wants me to go to church so I will have a church family.Also ,I can't serve Him from mt apt.He wants me out in the world ,being an ambassador.But I don't do well with people.Between panic(lack of faith) and pride,I don't have a prayer in the world.I can't do anything for His Kingdom with a besetting sin.A habit I put before Him as if I loved Him I would keep His commandments ,which are not grevious.And I know I am saved cause Jesus said,In Hebrews,that no chastening is pleasant ,but afterwards,yeilds the peaceable fruit of righteousness,without which we cannot see the Faather.He says if we are NOT chastened we are NOT sons and daughters,but bastards,for whom God Loves He Chastens. Any way.four days to the anniversary and I am still in denial.I don't expect him back,I just haven't accepted he is gone forever.I am a bit afraid of what will happens if God decides to just crush the dam and let it all out.I am out of words,Love Ruthanne