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On Sept 3, 2016, my world changed forever. My dad suffered a cardiac arrest and was without a pulse for a very long time. The paramedics were about to call a time of death but decided to put him in ambulance and keep trying because my brother was so distraught. Long story short, he had been without oxygen for too long and was put on a ventilator. He could look around the room and sometimes squeeze our hands, but we were told he would be in a "vegetative state" forever. The decision was ours to remove the ventilator and end his suffering because he was a person not the offensive vegetable that these so called professionals so coldly referred to him as. After much heartache and lost hope, we decided to set our dad free. He lived for another week and a half without the ventilator and would still look at us with his big beautiful blue eyes. I so wish I knew what he would've said if he could've said anything. He passed peacefully with his hand in mine on September 20, 2016. The worst day after the worst 3 weeks of my life. Now I'm left with intense heartache and guilt that I had to make that decision and the what ifs? What if they were wrong and his eyes were trying to tell us something? I have had to see a Dr for severe anxiety and insomnia because I think about him all the time. I never want to forget him, but I want to remember him healthy and full of life, but my mind keeps taking me back to those 3 heartbreaking weeks.
I found out in February that my mom had stage 4 lung cancer. She died April 16, 2016. We didn't have the best relationship but not the worst either. It was much better as I got older, but we still had our issues. I'm 28 and she was 49. I feel so much guilt and fear. I wasn't there much those two months she was ill. She went downhill so fast and I was so terrified, I couldn't bring myself to see her as much as I now wish I had. I didn't tell her the things I needed to and Now that she's gone, I am all alone. I have a boyfriend, but he and I aren't close enough on that level for me to open up to him. I don't trust him enough and my dad is around, but busy with his new life and we don't have that kind of relationship where we talk like that... My mom was the only person in my life that truly loved me. I can see that now, because she forgave me even when I didn't deserve it. On Christmas, so soon before we found out she was sick, we got into a fight about a gift card and I screamed at her.... I screamed at her. Its all I can think about. She died when I was about to leave to go up to the hospital. I'd been there the day before, but by then she was already unconscious and we knew she would pass soon. I just told her that i loved her and i was sorry for being a shitty daughter and that she could let go. So I didn't see her until the funeral after that. I can't forgive myself for being so terrible to her all my life. Even on Christmas, fighting and being so mean to her, not knowing she was dying at that time... I have no support system. I feel miserable. Its been a few months, but I can't breathe I'm crying so hard through this post. I have no friends. I have no one. I feel so alone and to be honest, I've wondered if I'd be better off just going to be with my mom at this point. Sorry I wrote a book. Thanks for reading.