Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Search the Community

Showing results for tags 'loss'.



More search options

  • Search By Tags

    Type tags separated by commas.
  • Search By Author

Content Type


Forums

  • How do I _____ on the forum?
    • Help/Questions
  • Newsletters
    • Newsletters
  • Join Us on Social Media
    • Facebook
    • Pinterest
  • Loss of.....
    • Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father)
    • Loss of a Child
    • Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss
    • Loss of a Partner
    • Losing Family and Friends
    • Loss of a Sibling
    • Loss of a Pet
  • Violent Death
    • Suicide Survivors: Help for People Left Behind
    • Sudden/Violent Death in the Family
    • Grieving Teens
  • Caregiving & Terminal Illness
    • Caregiving and Grieving
    • Coping with Terminal Illness & Upcoming Death
  • Grief Issues
    • Grief and the Legal System
    • Coping with Loss
    • Anger and Grief
    • Grief Support
    • Difficult Backgrounds: Making Grief Worse
    • Marriage Issues
  • Spiritual/Religious Beliefs
    • Beliefs and Religion
    • Prayer and Blessings
    • ADC's, Visions, & Dreams
  • Non-Death Losses
    • Losses as a result of illness or injury
    • Biological Stranger
    • Loss of a Job
    • Divorce
  • Difficult Events
    • Coping With Holidays
    • Grief and War
  • Recommendations for Healing
    • Recommendations for Healing
  • Please tell us....
    • Recipes to Remember
    • Beyond Indigo Reunion
    • Beyond Indigo Pins & Wrist Band
    • Your Beyond Indigo Friendships
    • If you want to participate in the following...
    • Your Beyond Indigo Story
  • Archive
    • Archived
  • Introduce Yourself

Calendars

  • Community Calendar

Group


AIM


MSN


Website URL


ICQ


Yahoo


Jabber


Skype


Location


Interests


Loss Type


Angel Date


Occupation


Interests


Last Name


First Name


Zip


Country


About Me

Found 156 results

  1. Have you ever been amazed at stories of stray dogs being rescued and given forever homes? Have you ever thought, ‘Wow! those dogs will live happily ever after with his/her new human”? Well, that was me too until today. So exactly sixty-nine days ago, Crumple – my dog who I named after the first adjective I thought of when I saw her, came into my life. Today, she abruptly and unexpectedly left it. I was just passing by this tunnel in my hometown when I spotted a dark figure moving in a corner. As I look closer, to my surprise, it is a dog! A moving, breathing, living creature with feelings. You see, I’m a dog-lover. I breathe and live the saying – ‘You may not be able to change the world, but for one dog, you can change his/her whole world’. So I always make it a point to give food to strays I see on sidewalks. At first, I just thought that it would just be the usual feeding of strays. But then, as I got closer, I was mortified by the state the dog is in. At that same time, I fell in love with her. She was so scared of human that she shied away when I got closer to her. But sometimes, hunger takes over. So she ate what I gave her. I wasn’t able to pet her that day since she only ate the food I throw her way and didn’t want anything to do with the ones close to me. I left after the food is gone. Something in me said that it wouldn’t be the last time I would see her. True enough, whenever I have to go to a certain place, I always make sure to pass by that same tunnel. To my astonishment, she was always there as if waiting for her owner to come and pick her or just staying there to guard her home or should I say her home once. It was a saddening sight. I make it a pledge to feed her food (dinner, actually) every time I come home from work. I have a 9-5 job and still has to travel for 3 hours to get home. So dinner is the only food I can bring her. I don’t know if someone else is feeding her in the morning or at least giving her water. After a few days of feeding her, one time when I came to bring her food, she stood up as if anticipating my arrival or the arrival of her food! I was so happy to see her recognize me. I then decided I would take her home. But one major hurdle – my mother is not a fan of that idea. It took me two weeks of endless convincing before she gave in – I guess she got worried that I always go to Crumple for her feeding in the middle of the night and sometimes in the wee hours. After twelve days, I finally got to get her home. The rescue was supposed to be easy but since I was very cautious of her (remember, how afraid she was of me the first day we met), it took us almost 1.5 hours to pick her up and get her home. We are literally just waiting for her to walk voluntarily to the motorcycle (with the leash around her neck). Stupid me, I guess. Who in their right mind would follow a stranger! When she sat in the middle of the road and wouldn’t budge, a car was approaching which meant that she could be hit! Desperation brought me to mindlessly pick her up. Guess what, she didn’t do anything aggressive. She just let me pick her up. She was so light and a bit smelly (okay, she smells a lot!). She got to ride her first motorcycle with me. Wwhhheeee! That feeling was so good, to finally save another life and give her a good life. The ride home, I was planning where I could keep her for the days she is still recovering from her mange. Cage and leash is not an option for me. So I got the biggest tub we have in the house and fill it in with old clothes to make it a bit comfy. She rested the moment I dropped her in her temporary bed. I slept a good night’s sleep that day. Happy with what happened. As I woke up the next day, she was gone, nowhere to be found in our house (surprise!!!!). I looked for her everywhere, for two straight days. I couldn’t find her. For those two days, there were intermittent mild to moderate rains. I was so furious as to why it was raining. I can’t leave the house when its raining! Then on the second night, while raining, I gather my resolve to look for her. The rain that I thought was hindering me from finding her was actually the rain that’s keeping her from running far away from my home. I finally found her huddled in front of a house a few streets away from us. She was brought home the second time. I made it sure that it won’t happen again, so I barricaded our gate with chicken wires. Days went on, I slowly inserted myself to her life. When I say ‘slowly inserted’, I really meant not leaving her for more than five minutes. I wouldn’t let her get her privacy. Just kidding! Of course, she gets her me-time at home without anyone bugging her. Slowly, she got accustomed to me, to us. She wags her tail and greets me in the gate whenever I came home. I even heard her cry of happiness a few times (which actually sounded more like a shriek). It was heaven for me. I get to think that it would be like this for the rest of our lives. On the 47th day of her stay with us, she gave birth to a baby girl. Unfortunately, since the vet wasn’t able to detect she’s pregnant, I guess, we didn’t give her the care that she needs while pregnant, the puppy, which I named Princess, was stillborn. We made her drink medicines and take deworming drops (which I think isn’t recommended for pregnant dogs). It was devastating for me but more so for Crumple. I saw how desperately she was trying to make her baby breathe. Since this took place at one o’clock in the morning, I cannot rush her to the vet clinic. Days got by, and she slowly came out of her shell again. She was greeting us with enthusiasm and love again. I didn’t leave her side during those times thinking that she might get depressed if left on her own. You see, when I rescued her, she was completely furless, her skin turned to black and she has that thick armor of mange which emits a strong odor. I looked forward to the day when she would finally get rid of that smell and that armor of mange. I wasn’t expecting her to have her fur grow back as I was informed by the vet that it might not happen anymore. But still, I didn’t think it was a sin to think of that already beautiful baby girl, growing into a more fluffy, furry and blooming creature of love. I also dreamed of taking her to parks, to fun places with her fursister, playing fetch and tag-of-war. These were the days I looked forward to. It even became motivation at work – to be able to provide all her needs. Boy, it will all be just a dream. Yesterday, I received a message from my sister that Crumple was getting skinnier and isn’t eating much. But I thought that she was still okay. I wasn’t able to get home that day. This morning, my mother texted me that she isn’t eating and drinking anything. I immediately called her. To her and my surprise, my sweet little baby is no longer with us. She already left and went to the rainbow bridge. I am so lost right now. Thinking that I wasn’t there when she needed me the most. I should have gone home, brought her to the vet and stayed with her through the night. Maybe, just maybe, today would be different. Maybe, just maybe, she would greet me the moment I open the gate this evening. Maybe, just maybe, we would go to the park where she could run freely in the grass. Maybe, just maybe, I would see her smiling. I know that her baby Princess was there to greet her when she arrived in the rainbow bridge. And I am positive that all the dogs I have loved before her was also there to greet her and let her into the pack. She must have had a very fun welcoming party. I hope I would get that when it’s my time someday. Today, I am floating. Just a walking shell. I do not want to think about it because I burst out in tears. I do not want everybody to see that. I am here at work, pretending everything’s okay. But really, I’m just a big water balloon that would burst out any moment. I am just hoping that this day would end without it happening. My heart is broken. My soul is scarred. My mind is flooded by happy memories with her which immediately turns to sad. Right now, I am afraid to love a dog again. I am afraid of letting other dogs into my life. And my greatest fear right now is that even though I love dogs so much, I am cursed that every dog I rescue ended up dying in my care. Is there something wrong with me? Have I neglected her? Have I not given her the care and attention she needed? What could I have done to prevent this from happening? What didn’t I do that made this happen? Was I not fit to love a dog? Was I not fit to have a dog? I only wanted to save her life and for her to save mine. I know one day, I will get to see her and all my other dogs. For now, I should just get accustomed to their memories in my heart. For now, I should just be be happy that I met them. How I wish that they have the same feelings as mine. I just hope that I made their stay on earth worthwhile. I hope they were happy on the days they were with me. I hope. Sixty-nine days, not even three months. I hope that in those days, you were happy and comfortable, Crumple. I hope you loved the food and the bed you had. Sixty-nine days are not enough for me. I think it was too short. I wish we could have more – even for just a few more months. It doesn’t have to be years, just a few more months to live with you. But those sixty-nine days are enough to give me memories for the rest of my life. One day, I will meet you and all my other dogs again. I would even be able to play with sweet little Princess! I am still wondering if she looks like you. If she does, then I might have had a glimpse of what you looked like before I found you. I will hold on to that ‘ONE DAY’ then. Goodbye for now. Until we meet again. Run free, Crumple!
  2. Hi all, just wanted to see if you had a song (or songs) to share/that remind you of your sibling? I love music, find great comfort through it, and would love to hear from anyone about songs that bring memories, comfort, or solace. It'd be cool to exchange and add to playlists. A personal favorite of mine is "Dark Paradise" by Lana Del Rey. Reminds me of my brother <3
  3. Okay so I'm not sure if anyone n here knows anything about dreams but if you do please help! So i lost my mother in late august 2017. During that same time i had been trying to figure out if me and my off and on boyfriend of 4.5 years were going to stay together after his first time cheating. Since then we broke up. Hes started dating right away and well i have been dealing with grieving and a new career choice. One my mom would be so proud of by the way! lol But anyways! So we broke up. It bugged for a bit but i was busy trying to figure this whole adult thing without help from my mother. During that time i had decided to really tell myself that if i'm not pregnant or have a baby by the age of 25 i wont have any at all. A goal of mine for years but never been so hard about it before. Even joked with my ex saying if i'm single by 25 with no baby hes gotta cough up the sperm! lol But the past couple of nights my mom appears in my dreams. and i want to say the past 3 or 4 nights i reveal i'm pregnant. Each on with me panicking. Which is a way i never thought i'd be when finding out i'm pregnant. But in the dream my mom is there and she is calm and tells me that its okay. And how happy she is is all over her face. That's another thing! I can see her face in my dreams! But only hers. I'm unsure if this has to do with the fact that me and my ex still sleep together randomly or if it has to do with the fact that everyone around me has been announcing their pregnant or they just had a baby. Or if its the fact i now say i'm probably never going to have kids. Which for me is crazy. Crazy because during the breakup my ex spilt he was going to buy me a ring. and i spilt once settled in our new home (which was going to be in January) i was going to ask if we could start trying for a baby.Both of us reacting shocked and upset at each others plans for the future that now wont happen. But yes someone please help me out here. I'm so confused with it. I want to know what my mom could possibly trying to tell me.
  4. Dear all, I have been a regular here for maybe 9 months. Coming here daily, reading others stories, replying to others helped me. Losing my mother a year ago was completely devastating to me. The early months I was just trying to cope on a daily basis. Then after 6 maybe 8 months, coping mechanisms I developed turned into a severe depression. I looked ok but emotionally I was debilitated. I didn't work for a year. As an artist, as a person, I felt lost. Nothing made me feel good. I over ate, I obsessed about what I ate. I distracted myself binge watching tv series but whatever I did I felt truly lost, alone and rootless. I'm estranged from my family which is a good thing but then I have no one. I wanted to work I knew it would be the only thing that would save me but I was stuck. Stuck in this heavy dark depression. This month I went back to my mothers country and where I was born for the 1 yr anniversary. It was my first time going back and not staying with my mother. I dreaded it. I arrived at friends house to stay there during my trip and gradually things started to change for me. My friend was so loving, so caring its the first time I felt cared for, looked after. I laughed, things became lighter. It was truly significant for me as it gave me courage that I could go on. I began making plans. Started to approach people to get a project going that I had been thinking about. Fear held me back. Loss of confidence. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in over 15 yrs. It lifted me that reconnection and made me feel less alone. Each day I began working on building a future again. Now I am back alone in my apartment but still planting seeds to get my project going. I'm focused where I was not before. I'm looking forward where I was not before. I can see the light. I am here one year later to share with you all that I know things feel absolutely terrible now. Many of you will be fresh to your loss. I know many of you feel, how can I go on? I'm not coping, this is too hard. Many of you I know will have complicated family dynamics as I do and feel alone. I'm writing today after one year to say, I am finally doing better! I still miss my mom very much. I still wish I could have a conversation with her, I am still sad and I will always hold that sadness with me but I am doing better. I'm taking steps to rebuild my life. I'm still afraid but my spirit has improved and I feel I can make it. This is the first time I feel like that. One year on. So I am here today to tell you that gradually, very slowly, things will improve. If I can survive the darkest depression of my life, you can too. I also want to share that loss does not go away, it does not get easier, it evolves into something different. I am learning to live with it. That doesn't mean I'm happy. I'm not. its still hard but I am looking forward. Only now I believe life can go on after devastating loss. A different life. One has to slowly rebuild and that takes time. I want to wish you all strength and patience. I very much hope you will receive kindness from others because thats what will get you through this. Love to everyone here.
  5. I suddenly and unexpectedly loss my mum on January 3rd, 2018. I am young, and so was she. I’m having a real hard time coming to terms with it. She was my best friend and we did everything together (until I moved to a different province last May.) she was the only person who really really understood me and helped me when it came down to to anxiety and depression, or things like making a decision or just to talk. I just need someone to talk to about this. I don’t know how to cope.
  6. I am heartbroken. I am 31 years old and I lost my mother a month ago on 1/7/18. It was sudden and unexpected. She was vacationing in Colombia with my family who lives there. Somehow during the holidays she contracted meningitis and was gone within a week of feeling ill. It was so hard because no one knew what was really going on with her until it was too late. I was unable to make it to her in time due to Avianca airlines canceling my and my sisters flights. I had to have doctors disconnect her from life support via facetime. That was how I had to say goodbye to my mom. The images of seeing the doctors turn off the machines replay over and over in my mind. I begged her to forgive me for not being there to say goodbye to her. I have this incredible sense of guilt because I encouraged her to go to Colombia for the holidays. I also feel guilt because had she stayed here in the U.S. she would still be alive for me to hold her, kiss her, joke with her, hug her even as silly as it sounds, fight with her. There is also the guilt over feeling like more could have been done for her. I work in a hospital and I feel I could have had a trove of doctors and specialists do everything humanly possible to save her. I don’t feel like the doctors in Colombia caught on to what was happening with her fast enough. Maybe its just me telling myself that but it’s how I feel. And then last week, on the 28th I lose my dad... He had been living with COPD for the last couple of years but on the day my mom passed away I was given the news that my dad was at end stage lung disease and that they also found cancer in his lungs. It killed me because while my parents were estranged it would have destroyed my dad to learn my mom had died. Were given less than a week or two before he would pass. It was a nightmare after another. I kept the news of my mom from him untill before he passed away. I wanted him to know that my mom would be waiting for him once he was ready to let go. He passed away two hours after I let him know. I was able to be there for my dad they way I wasn’t able to for my mom. And that too kills me. There is so much more that I can write but I can’t because all I do is cry as I do. I am devastated. I feel as if this is not really happening. As if it was a figment of my imagination or a bad dream I will wake up from. But then as I wake up to another day I have to face the fact that they are both gone. Pratically in the blink of an eye. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel as if my heart is physically breaking. The sorrow is indescribable. While its four of us sisters who lost our parents I feel so alone. I can barely face a day more without my parents and thinking that I have the rest of my life ahead of me to face without them is almost unbearable. I don’t know what else to do but cry and cry and cry.
  7. February 1st, 2018

    I woke up at 6:30 on February 1st to a call from my boyfriends mom that changed everything. He was in partial boarding through a rehab center and managed to overdose while there, he wasn’t found in time. Our son’s due date in February 28th, 2018. He first relapsed two months after finding out I was pregnant, it was a complete surprise. The nerves, fear and stress got to him. I wanted to give him up for adoption, neither of us were ready, but he convinced me that we could be the happy family I talked about. Even though he kept relapsing to escape the fear and worrt he had about it, he could NOT wait to meet his son. Now he’s gone and he’ll never get to meet him. I don’t want to keep him, I feel so much resentment and disgust towards mt unborn child because if I hadn’t ended up pregnant, I feel he’d still be here. Because I don’t want to look at my son and see him everytime. I’m disgusted with myself for feeling this way towards my son, he hasn’t even been born yet. I can’t cope, I can’t find comfort, I’m just angry and depressed. I just wanna have him, give him up, and leave town. I don’t know if it’s the hormones that make me feel so strongly, I just need help.
  8. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  9. My dad committed suicide January 2, 2018. Hell of a way to begin a year. My dad and I had our problems like any other family and we didn’t communicate much, but we did care about each other. But if there is one thing that bugs me it is unanswered questions. What was he thinking as he planned his exit from this world? As it was happening, what was going through his mind? What could have been so bad that this was the only way? I hate this for my brother and sister because they were closer to him but I am starting to realize that he meant more to me than I thought. (We had the same personality so we kind of clashed but he was a great dad. I never felt neglected or unsafe at any point in my childhood.). It’s like I don’t know what issue to tackle first. It’s like a fog that surrounds you while you try to navigate through your daily routine.
  10. My first day on this forum. I have been on the internet everyday for past 2 weeks trying to find a way to speak to someone, to help myself and to get move on from this. My father passed away 7 months ago, 2 days before his 56th Birthday. His funeral took place on his Birthday. To say it was a hard day would be an understatement. I kissed him in his coffin box and wished him a Happy Birthday in his ears. I hope he heard wherever he was. We are four siblings. I am the youngest at 28 years and live around 3 hours away from my family home. My elder siblings are all married with kids. My mum and dad had been staying at our family home since I moved out on their own. My dad had a minor and then a major stroke in between 2014-2015. My mum was his caretaker and as the single "uncommitted" child, I was the one travelling to and fro looking after them. My other siblings provided them financial support, I gave them my time. Which has made it the hardest thing ever for me to move on from this. And even harder to explain to my family and friends how I feel. My dad was my stronghold. He was never a man who showed much emotion but he was always the man that supported us in our down days. I never ever realized how much I would miss him. Seeing him sickly for about 2 years, I thought I was better prepared. Thats hardly the case. Whats worse is the inability to express myself, to pour out my grief, to be able to breakdown completely. I have to be strong for my mother. She stays on her own now and I visit her frequently. When I am with her, I have to be the person that's telling her that she is doing great. I have to show her that after 2 years of being mostly stuck at home because of dads sickness, she has now the opportunity to relax and give herself some time. My siblings have all got kids which gives them a distraction. They also see me as the strong independent woman and thus don't really see the sadness behind my smile. My friends, which I have a few, are really hard to talk to. I am tired of everyone telling me to be strong and "don't worry it will get better". I have been the cheeky, chatty and bubbly kinda a person. And everyone expects me to be the same. I'm hurting inside, I am depressed, I don't know what to do! But how many times can you tell that to a friend till they think you are just feeling sad for yourself. So I paste a smile and pretend that everything is going great. But nothing is going anywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and take a cold shower to help myself back to sleep. I go to the gym and afterwards I feel drained. I think of these really silly unimportant memories of my childhood. I have dreams that make no sense. I feel like a robot going through the motions of life. Even worse I feel like my heart has closed. I cant bring myself to date, I give myself a hundred reasons as to why this will end badly and therefore don't go at all. And all of this has started and gotten worse in the past few months.. they say i gets better over time. I think I dealt quite well with my fathers death in the first months. The months afterwards have gotten hard and harder and now I feel like I am losing it. I apologize for the really long post. But I had to let it out.
  11. Hi, I'm a student and I'm trying to find out how to help people who are dealing with their loved ones possessions. I'm working with a university to look at this, so hopefully what we find will have real impacts and be able to help others dealing with similar things to what you have gone through. I've dealt with loss before, so I know how hard it can be to get rid of the things that belonged to someone you love. The goal of this study is to work on finding ways to make this process easier for others. Please, if you have a few minutes, click on the attached link and tell me a little about how you dealt with your loved one's possessions. Anything you can tell us helps. https://msstatebusiness.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_4UBcnnk63Ck7wS9
  12. Struggling with the loss of my Cat

    My baby Marley was taken from me on Saturday night 27/01/18. He was a big ginger tom cat and he was the sweetest lovliest boy ever who always had so much love for everyone. I am heartbroken. Part of what I am really struggling to come to terms with is the circumstances of his passing. He was a normal happy healthy chap, about 10-11 years old but spent most days out playing and exploring. I heard him come through the cat flap at about 8pm just as I was hopping into the shower. When i got out about 10 minutes later, I went into my bedroom and found poor Marley lying on the floor on his side, panting/ unable to get his breath and his tongue sticking out. He seemed quite calm however i got on the phone to the emergency vet and asked them what i could do. They said to bring him in straight away. I quickly got dressed, keeping an eye on him but he got worse. I quickly googled what to (i thought he was choking) and i followed instructions on the Heimlich manouver, and tried to look down his throat to see if anything was there. Both of these failed and i could see poor Marley getting more distressed. He ran downstairs and hid under the coffee table, which I felt was a bad sign. I went to get the cat carrier, however he was so adamant to lie on his side that he wouldnt fit comfortable in there. I decided to just scoop him up in a blanket, as by now i could see a bit of blood coming from his mouth and he was crying in pain I cuddled him in the blanket and rushed out to the car, however i made it as far as the driveway and I felt him take one last breath and then he went all limp in my arms. I was heartbroken. I continued my journey to the vets however as I naively thought they could still help him but of course it was too late. I am racked with guilt and doubt. Could I have saved him? Had I not jumped in the shower when I heard him come in, could I have had more of a chance to save him? Had I not wasted time and got him straight in the car when I saw how he was would he have had a chance? Part of the problem is not knowing his cause of death. The vet did not charge me and therefore did not perform a proper examination, however he did suggest it was most likely a heart problem judging by what I said. However these niggling thoughts still bother me. Did I close the food bin properly? Could he have gotten in and chewed on the lamb bones I had Friday night? If I had carried on with the heimlich manouver would he still be here? These horrible thoughts are killing me and I feel so distraught. I miss my baby so much and I feel like I failed him. He ran to me for help but there was nothing I could do. It is hard enough coping with the loss of a pet under any circumstance, i have unfortunately lost a few fur babies in my life. However this loss is by far the most traumatic and I feel like I will never be happy again.
  13. Hi. As I'm typing this new forum, it is almost 2 weeks to the minute that I was at the hospital, alone, with the doctor telling me that my Mother couldn't be brought back. How it is haunting me still (I know it hasn't been long). Anything I type is not to take anything away from anyone else and their own special relationships with their families/loved ones. My Mother and I were so incredibly and intensely close. Although I did not live close to her, I was visiting often and we spoke every single day, sometimes more than once. She'd had health problems since her mid-30's, when she was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Over the years, the illnesses kept increasing although the MS was in relative remission (off and on). The list of her illnesses included diabetes, fibromyalgia, high cholesterol, osteo-arthritis, COPD that had progressed to Emphysema, acid reflux syndrome, chronic sinusitis and so on. Be that as it may, my Mom was stubborn and independent and still lived at home, alone, right to the last. In late October, early November, she developed pneumonia. Not the first time with it, but serious enough that I came to her home for a few days to make sure she was okay. She'd had to go to the hospital in an ambulance but they let her come home because someone was going to be with her On the 4th day, she seemed to be improving, I left lots of pre-cooked meals for her, had cleaned her whole home, had made tending to her cats as easy as I could (food was easily accessible, etc). I had her coffee supplies at easy reaching for her so that very little effort was required for her to continue to get better. Her meds finished and she felt no better and went back to hospital. They gave her more meds for longer period and steroids. I went up again the following weekend but she was not sure of improving. As I would watch her, I could see that in that last year, she was really deteriorating. My sister and I were incredibly concerned and had been investigating all sorts of home care and options. Mom finished the next round of meds and for a few days, felt better. But then started to go downhill again and the doctor renewed her meds for an additional 4 days. During this time we spent Christmas (late) with her and celebrated her 74th birthday on Dec 29th. On Jan 2, she felt okay enough to go out with my sister to do some errands and see doctor for follow-up. I was concerned that she'd done too much but she was "proud" for having been able to get out. By Thursday Jan 4, she was sounding not good and confused in speech, a sign I had seen before when she was getting sick. I alerted my sister of my concern (she lives closer) and we all agreed that if not better by Sat morning, she was going back to hospital. They ran many tests again and I decided on Sat afternoon to head back up as my sister could not stay overnight and I was really concerned that the pneumonia was back or had never really gone. I notified my boss that I'd take some time. The hospital told Mom and sis this time that all of the previous meds had not touched the pneumonia. They put her on super-drugs and steroids again, and she came home. I was there with food and humidifiers and other things requested. I didn't let Mom do a thing. Sister was checking in regularly but we were both very concerned. Our grandmother (Mom's mom) had passed away of this same illness 36 years earlier. Mom had smoked for 55 years but had quit 7 years ago. We watched the Golden Globe awards on Sunday night and had a nice dinner I'd made for her. Monday I stepped out to get a nebulizer for her, which had been helping her at the hospital. Mom showed a little more energy by Monday evening and we had another nice dinner, watched TV and a movie and she even had seconds and wanted dessert. Still, she was so weak and tired really and I just felt things were wrong. I had thought maybe I'd be able to go home by the Wednesday but said it was open and Mom expressed over and over how grateful she was that I was there and that she'd been so scared lately. I headed to bed at almost midnight, assured by Mom (who always stayed up late) that she could get to bed and would go soon. Having also already spoken to my husband on the phone, I went to check emails. I started to cry as I wrote an emotional email to my husband saying I could feel she was dying, maybe not this week or month, but I could see it. I went to bed and nodded off but slept fitfully (as always). In the morning, Tues Jan 9th, Mom felt a little perkier and that she was breathing a little better - must have been the nebulizer she thought! I made her breakfast, which she enjoyed, and we talked about things I needed to go and get in town for her later that morning. We also discussed more calls we needed to follow-up on for homecare and such. I headed to town late morning, and I just went to one grocery store and the pharmacy and post office. Although not the best food, Mom had specifically asked me to bring her a hamburger for lunch, even though she had made herself a sandwich. I got back and she ate part of the hamburger but asked me to wrap up the rest. Her voice was a little gravelly and she felt that she was going to cough up some mucus, which she was always trying to do as it made her feel like the infection was coming out of her. Around 1:40 pm, a homecare nurse contacted us and said she could squeeze in seeing us around 2:30 pm. We said great and I tidied up the kitchen table (where we always were) and made space for the nurse to use for notes and such. She arrived shortly thereafter and we all talked about what kind of things Mom would need assistance with starting the following week. I had intended by this point to stay on into the weekend. Mom's voice continued to be gravelly but none of us thought anything additionally serious as she was recovering from pneumonia. The nurse left. Mom came out to sunporch with me as I was fidgeting with a patio door that seemed to have gotten off track and wasn't closing at the top - too much draft (it is winter). Almost immediately she seemed to have more trouble breathing. Understanding here, that she's on constant oxygen and levels were higher until pneumonia was gone. She bent herself over as she felt that helped her at times. I gently rubbed her back until she asked me to stop but she started having trouble being able to talk. She gently went to her knees, also trying to help herself and I asked if I needed to call the ambulance. At first she said no but then said yes. I quickly called and gave details all the while staying with her and trying to gather up her portable oxygen, meds, coat, boots, etc. It seemed like forever for the ambulance to arrive but it really wasn't. Mom's house is awkward but there is a lift but they couldn't bring in a gurney. They managed to get her onto a kitchen chair they brought to her and carried her to the lift and down to the gurney/ambulance. They started a ventilator and although still laboured, her breathing seemed better. She was sitting up in ambulance and I looked at her and said, "they're here and I'm right behind you. You will be ok." She nodded at me and I know the ambulance staff had a CPAP ready in case they needed to switch. We left for hospital which was only 9 km away. I pulled in and grabbed her meds and purse and rushed into emergency. Being familiar with the hospital, I knew right where to go. They had just taken her into the trauma room and the one ambulance lady motioned for me to go in. I could see Mom was not awake, and the doctor told me she was very sick and they would need to intubate her and find an ICU bed, likely in Kingston. They were calling Mom's name but she wasn't responding. I was asked gently to step out. During the commotion at home I had called my sister but hadn't told her to come right away as I didn't think there was much she could do and I know she was working (she works at home). I asked the ambulance lady about what happened in the ride there and was told they'd had to switch to CPAP and by the time they arrived, Mom was not responding to them and was fighting the mask. She lost consciousness as they brought her in. I called my sister to update but the doctor came out and said she needed to talk to me right now. Mom's heart had stopped and they were doing compressions. They asked about heroic measures. I had to tell them she wanted a do not resuscitate if she'd be on life support but I told them to do what they needed at that point. A few minutes later I was back on phone with sister and doctor came out to ask if they could do shock treatment. I had to call sister back but said yes. But it was too late. The next conversation, standing in a hospital, alone, crying, was to hear my Mother was gone. It would not have mattered if they'd gotten her heart beating, she'd have been on a breathing tube the rest of her life but her heart wouldn't respond. To have to call my sister was a nightmare. Four years earlier, I'd gotten another horrible call, from a woman I don't know, my nephew's sister-in-law. My nephew and sister were estranged and she hadn't spoken to him in almost 2 years. This woman was telling me he'd died of a heart attack. So there I was, left with the burden to go to my sister and tell her that her only son was gone - she'd never have grandchildren, she'd never see him again. And now, I had to call her back to say our Mother was gone too. The hospital cleaned her up and let me go back into the room to be with her. They knew my sister was coming and they were gracious and said I could stay as long as I wanted. That was around 4:30 pm. It all still seems unreal, me in the room alone with my Mom, lifeless. During the time waiting for my sister I spoke with a very kind nurse and made some calls (or maybe some were before I went in?). My sister arrived around 5:20 or so. The doctor came to talk to us, explain, confirm that the COPD/Emphysema was in the final stages and that it was inevitable. They asked if we wanted an autopsy, which we did not. Two weeks ago, at this time. I've already written too much. Will end my post now.
  14. On Sunday afternoon I lost my best friend Kaci suddenly. She was only six and had shown no prior signs of illness. My mother and I had been out at the shed; Kaci tried to follow us out, as she hated to be left out of anything, but as it was raining I told her to go back inside. She retreated back in the door, licking her lips as she often would. I followed her in to check something on my phone; I told her we'd be going for a walk soon as I walked past her. There had been some folded up cardboard boxes leaning against a box freezer near the door for days. I heard the sound of the box falling, as well as that of Kaci moving quickly; this wasn't out of character as she was a very jumpy dog. I turned around with the intention of going to rub her and tell her it was nothing, but as I turned I heard her hit the floor. She suddenly started having a seizure; she's never had one before so it came as quite a shock. Yet I'd heard of other people's dogs having regular seizures (albeit they were older dogs) but they tended to be ok after them, so at that time although I was concerned and a tad panicked, I didn't think she was going to pass. I didn't know what to do; I called for my mother, she ran in just as the seizure was coming to an end. She tried to comfort Kaci, just as she let out a gasp. She told me to cut the top off a nearby Coke bottle and use it over her snout to try and give her CPR. But before I got to her, she let out what was her last breath of air and her heart stopped. I tried to give her breath but within a couple minutes she'd emptied her bowels. She was dead. As I said, she had shown no signs of illness; she had been herself all morning and in the days running up to it. To be honest Kaci was a very healthy dog over the six and a bit years I had her. Putting aside the occasional case of the runs, I can only think of three times where she was particularly ill; an ear infection at a few months old, a particularly bad stomach one evening when she was about 3 or 4; and lastly having to have her stomach washed out after consuming grapes. Three times in 6 years seems like nothing, compared to how many times friends have had to bring their dogs to the vet for one thing or another. However while Kaci was very healthy physically, she wasn't so strong mentally. She was a very fearful dog. She would run and hide when anyone would turn on the hoover, if it was dry I'd generally let her out the back while I did it. Cars she could handle but with buses/trucks she would run as far away from the edge of the road as possible anytime one was close. Fireworks scared the life out of her; Halloween time, New Years Eve....times I dreaded as I'd have to watch her shiver in a corner. And there were other assorted sounds that would spook her; things suddenly falling, neighbours hammering things etc. She would also be fearful of strange people when they first came into our house, she would hide from them at first. This sometimes extended to people she hadn't seen in a while. This behavior actually got worse in recent months; while previously she would go hide in a corner, lately she wouldn't want to be in the same room as them, she'd try run upstairs or into the living room. For the record she's not allowed go to those places, and she knows this, she knows where her territory is. So it was very odd to see her tossing aside the rules. She also started doing this with my brother at times, someone who lived with her during her first few months with us and again had lived with us for the past year; someone who had walked her over the years and spent plenty of time with her. Yet some days she would be all over him and others she would run away. Ultimately we feel this may have been the cause of her death. All the fear and stress over the years weakened her heart and made it that she did't have it in her to fight against the seizure. I feel like I failed her; I always felt for her when she was afraid but I never for one moment thought it was causing lasting effects. Why didn't I raise it with a vet? Maybe they could have tested her; found that she had a weak heart and done something about it? Maybe I'm just looking for a way I could have prevented it, because I felt so guilty watching her die, powerless to help her. Since her death I have found it so hard to be alone, especially in silence. The kitchen; the room in which she lived and sadly died, now makes me physically ill. It wasn't a room I spent much time in before I got her, I used to spend my time in my room. Initially we built her a space in the front of the shed, and used to pin the door in a way so that she could get out to do her business, but we found after a couple days that she would just walk outside, to the end of her lead and wait for us to come. She wasn't sleeping, probably due to fear. So on that basis, my house proud mother gave in and said she could move into the kitchen full time. On that day, it became her room. And it became my room too; it was where I would watch movies, play video games and do college work. For six years I spent more time in that room than anywhere else, because of her. Now the room just feels so empty. Today we finally got the chance to bring her body to the vet for cremation; we're getting the ashes back so that we can keep her with us. Up until now, the body had been stored in a container outside, wrapped up in all of her blankets and some bin liners. I felt so guilty leaving her outside over night, knowing that she had hated being outside alone; silly I know seen as she was no longer there but I felt the guilt all the same. It did help, finally letting go of her body today and I also cleaned away some of her stuff which has also helped, as seeing her empty bed was heartbreaking. But nonetheless, I still feel ill in that room. At times I have forgotten she is gone; while writing this, I stopped for a minute and thought "oh I forgot the dog's outside, better let her back in". How ridiculous is that? I'm literally writing about my grief and yet I forget that what I'm grieving about is actually gone?! Yesterday in work; yes I went to work, I couldn't stand staying at home and thought the distraction would help, it did for a while. Anyways while I was in work, for a split second a location came to mind and I thought 'I should bring Kaci on a walk there soon', before yet again reality hit and a tear came to my eye. I'm a really vivid dreamer; and last night I had a dream about her. The dream wasn't too dissimilar to her death; she had a seizure and we were told by a vet that she had a serious issue. The vet said it could be treated but would take thousands of euros. I took the decision to pay the money; that we would fight for her life. Sadly I woke up to find I didn't have that choice. That's a fear I have now, that I will continue to dream vividly about her; when I broke up with my first serious girlfriend I spent months dreaming about her virtually every night and it was very painful, to be honest I still dream about her from time to time, although it doesn't bother me as much. I was just 21 when I got Kaci; I was very depressed at the time. I'd only been broken up with the aforementioned girlfriend about 6 months at the time and I'd also found I couldn't afford to go back to college (I had went straight after high school but dropped out after a semester), despite having repeated my high school exams in order to meet the requirements to get to the college I wanted to attend. I was so depressed that I couldn't bring myself to apply for jobs and I barely went out. I have always maintained a small circle of friends and I would see them infrequently, but that was about the extent of my social life. I spent my days playing video games and watching TV. One Sunday I was sitting at home playing Skyrim, the 13/11/2011 (date always sticks out as Skyrim had released 2 days previous); when my mother called me and asked me if I wanted a dog. I was shocked to be honest, I'd spent years begging her for to let me get another one but she'd refused, yet her she was, asking me. It turned out that her friend's daughter had brought Kaci home, begging her mom to let her keep her; they already had a dog so her mom refused but she said my mother should take her for me. And on the spur of the moment my mother decided she'd let me decide. I said yes of course; I didn't even know what kind of dog she was, but nonetheless I was so excited and still a bit shocked to be honest. It turned out she was a labrador cross; her mother was a golden labrador who'd gotten loose and was impregnated by an unknown dog. Eventually we found out her father was most likely a border collie (or at least largely border collie); as vets and trainers who would meet her suggested it, and eventually we met another dog that was confirmed to be that cross, that looked the same as her. Having this little pup changed my life; I had something to focus on, something that relied on me. When we initially got her, she slept in a padded dog carrier that my mother's friend had given her, as she was only 6 weeks old and we didn't feel she was ready to sleep outside alone. So each morning I'd have to get up really early to let her out to do her business. I used to end up watching Spongebob Squarepants while lying on the floor with her on my chest; I'd often end up falling asleep. Might be weird that I can remember what would be on TV, but it stands out as one particular episode had the FUN song that Spongebob and Plankton sing; so I took to singing it to her and did so right up to recently. She probably had no memory of this song ha, but it meant something to me, reminded me of her as a puppy. Went off on a tangent there.... But yeah, having something so vulnerable rely on me to walk it, play with it, feed it; that gave me focus. Allowed me to shake out of my depression. A few months later I had enrolled in a certificate course which eventually gave me a path back to college and my degree. This in turn led to me taking the plunge to get the first job I'd held in years; and one in which I really got involved with my colleagues, rather than being the quiet guy who just done his work. It led to me being more confident, gave me some self esteem; and for the first time in years I've started to think that maybe I can get into a relationship with someone. I feel I owe all of this to my best friend Kaci. People might have thought with her being such a fearful dog that I was her strength and she relied on me; and maybe she did. But I sure did rely on her; she made me feel like I was worth something. When I had a bad day and would feel down and out, she wouldn't let me, she'd want to shower me in kisses or force me to play with her. She'd also listen to my problems; I have good human best friends who are good listeners but I don't feel like it's fair to put everything on them, Kaci though was always willing to lend her ear. The way in which she would greet me after work, would make any bad day go away. She just made my life so much better. I find it hard to imagine a future without her. I have a big job interview coming up, one that will really allow me to kick start a career. I was telling myself that I'd get this job and move out; that Kaci and I would get our own place, and maybe eventually another dog (which wasn't going to be an easy process as she wasn't particularly fond of other dogs). She was giving me the strength to face moving out but now without her I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost a piece of myself; and I'm afraid of facing my future without her. The idea of moving into a place on my own without her, terrifies me. At the minute I feel like all the strides I've made in life are down to her; and that without her I won't be able to keep moving forward. Yet on the flipside I feel that if I allow myself to regress to the me that existed when she first came into my life, I'd be letting her down. Her life, albeit a short one, it's purpose was to make me a better me; to save me from the darkness that was enveloping me, and show me that there's a light outside. She saved my life, I'm honestly not sure if I'd have been able to keep going without her coming into my life. And although I couldn't save her life; I feel I now owe my life to her, that I need to keep striving forward so that I can be someone that people love as much as she did. I want to think that one day I'll find the girl of my dreams, have children and maybe even get more dogs; and be able to point at a picture of Kaci and say "that's the best friend I ever had, she's the reason I'm here and why I'm the best me I can be". Although it currently feels like there's a hole in my heart; and I'm afraid and lonely. I want my best friend to know that I will push through this; and I will continue taking strides forward as she would have wanted. Rest in Peace Kaycee 'Kaci' Wilkinson (30/09/2011 - 21/01/2018)
  15. Why are we here anyway?

    I effing hate Cancer. I lost my best friend,soul mate and husband to an aggressive form of Cancer that for a while allowed us and the medical team hopeful for a positive outcome. In the end ,and looking back it was a roller coaster ride for my Bobby and me, culminating in suffering and loss of dignity and the simple pleasures life offers,sleeping,eating,conversation. Now almost 7 mths later I am grateful my beloved could still hear and play his mp4 music ( music was his passion) and he was definitely a 70's and 80's child,lol. End of life care in terms of medication,well it annoyed me,disgusted me in a way. We put horses,dogs ,cats other animals down to eliminate undue suffering but for humans we create this whole other jargon,end of life comfort, blah,blah,blah. Semi comatose medically induced state while your loved one waits for the body to wear down to complete collapse. I am angry about that. I try to get that emotion in check though, the anger one,because I dont want that poison me,my mind,or my chance of making it through this challenging time! The disease may have taken my most precious gift but im sure as hell determined it wont take me as well. I mean thats kinda like the disease get a 2 for 1 deal. Arghhhh..! The emotional pain in those first few weeks and the intensity often left me feeling like I couldnt breathe,it felt like every joint in my body ached and occassionally I wondered to myself " Is this what it feels like to go insane". I cried easily and hard, I argued with God (alot) and I shuffled around like a disabled mental health patient. It honestly felt like I was trying to live with only half my limbs working.My body seemed detached from my brain. I ate food, I didnt eat food. Sleeping felt like an enemy and I couldnt or wouldnt sleep. ( Later I took sleeping pills) to help me get into some kind of pattern. They helped alot. The overwhelming grief and emotional periods have lessened a little now, and I am better at recognizing some triggers unlike before free falling and not even cognitively able to pull the ripcord ,ending up a total mess, splattered on the ground, (figuratively speaking) or so fogged up with blurry and unstable thinking, by the 3/4th month I was tired of being sick an tired. I asked ,and kept asking until I got great counseling ( Cancer Psychologist from the hospital). I made myself get up every day,shower, and do one thing every day for myself. ( walking,shopping,visiting) It was so hard,but I was motivated to make myself do what I said to do, and not what I felt like doing ( which was nothing). Oh I got sad at public places,bus stops,supermarkets,malls,Govt offices . Grief doesnt need apppointment ,it just blows in without an invite so I would just cry,blow my nose and cry some more.I didnt have time or energy to care what other people thought because I figure grief should be normal. I hate it, nobody will ever like it, but....It is what it is. A bleep bleep sad time!..And just as we laugh when we are happy , we cry when we are sad. Its ok not to be ok! I will miss my baby until the day I die. I dont understand why we are all born to die. I will never accept some things,but I am closer to leaving the door closed to some questions, so it doesn't take up space in my head and sap my energy.( Boy theres not much there anyway). Widow is such a horrible word. Comes as quite a jolt to see it written or spoken, and they are meaning me! Shudder! Loneliness, the emptiness that only a partner filled is such a huge intimate and personal void. Somehow I have to attach to other things or something else. I dont know who I am anymore. I think thats ok. Who is anyone? Thank you if you read to the end of my rambling. I just wanted to talk and feel like I was alive. God Bless and remember this much. Love never dies. Amen.
  16. Hi everyone, I was looking online for a support group to help me through the losses and stress and from what I can see this is a very supportive group and I'm glad to have found that. I'm 35 and feel like I should be able to handle life, stress and coping much better than I am. On the outside I look strong, confident and ready but on the inside I can tell I'm not. I'm going to say this is long right now so I don't expect anyone to read through it all (although I'm hoping, of course, that some do) and provide me with some insights or...something I guess. For me, writing is therapeutic, I enjoy it and I'm naturally long winded but I really think you need to know the whole story so you understand how I'm currently feeling. If nothing else skip to the last paragraph or 2. On July 30th, 2017 I lost my last living grandparent, my mom's dad, and by far the one I was closest to. Even though he was 90 up until a week before his death he was happy and for 90 years old, very healthy. It was unexpected and hard but I thought manageable because "he was your grandpa and you knew it was coming". I thought I was as prepared as I could have been. I was sad. I still am but I felt it was normal, manageable grief. August 4th I found out my dad had tonsil cancer and then 1 week later we learned it was stage IV. While trying to continue to learn a new job and hoping to at least feel like I was helping as much with my dad (living 1 hour south with treatment another 1.5 hours south) and my step-mom take care of their farms and getting to chemo and radiation treatments my step-dad had to have an emergency bowel resection in October. At that point we rallied the troops. Mom had retired earlier in the year so she had my step-dad's care handled. My step-mom retired and took care of my dad, letting us be as big or little a part of his care that we could and wanted to. Older brother 1 (of 3) took mornings off to drive dad to chemo and radiation when we thought my step-mom needed a break. Older brother 2 was in the middle of a life change so him moving across the country back home was good timing, he took turns taking care of dad as well. Older brother 3 helped with everything as well. I went to a couple of appointments and treatments but was mostly moral support on the phone and visits to the house. We each took time to visit my step-dad at the hospital and then when he was back at home. The end of October dad finished his treatments and we went into a waiting game until January to find out how well or if the treatments worked. So as we watched dad continue to be sick from the treatment and lose weight we also watched my step-dad get better and then worse and then better... Wounds would not heal and then they would get better. Then he would feel worse and be back in the hospital for one reason or another. Never sick enough to require more than a couple of overnights in the hospital but not well enough to just be completely better. I called my mom, if not every night, every other night. That's been our routine since I started planning my wedding in 2006 so nothing out of the ordinary. Emotionally I was there for mom and offered continued support and always asked about her husband's health and how he was doing and offering to come visit. She would of course decline the offers because she knew I was busy at work and it was a long drive for me and also because she's strong. Mom is a strong woman but she's also emotionally dependent on others. She would rather make you feel guilty for something you didn't do rather than just tell you what she wants or needs when you ask. Which leads me to December 4th. My step-dad was back in the hospital with failing kidneys. Rather, they had been failing over the last several weeks but this was the first it was really being addressed. He had a kidney biopsy and things went well so my mom started to make the long drive back home. One hour later she gets a call from the hospital saying he had internal bleeding and was being taken to ICU. That's where he stayed until Wednesday. Of course my brothers and I called and checked on mom, sent flowers, offered to drive down to visit but he was improving and she said not to. By Thursday he was back in a regular room and although he was very confused, from what we assumed was the pain medication, he was improving. Saturday the 9th, mom gets a call at 5:30am saying he was being taken to ICU and they needed immediate authorization for emergency dialysis. Of course she said "yes" and that it would be 2 hours to drive back that far to the hospital. She called me at 6:30am letting me know what was going on. Since I was on-call for work I said I could not leave until 9:30 when I could find someone to fill in for me. We decided that since older brother 3 was planning to visit the hospital that morning anyway I would come down on Sunday. I talked to brother 3 at 8:30 that morning and he was on his way to visit the hospital and would call me that afternoon with an update. 9:03am I answer the phone to my mom saying "He's gone. I don't know what to do. I can't talk". Click. Of course I know who she was talking about. Of course I know I have to do something. Of course I know I need to call someone. Problem is I didn't know where to start because I was devastated. That's not a word I had ever used until August but I was getting to know it well. I called brother 3 knowing he was driving and he answered with "I know". We were both in shock so I could not have expected anything else but all I needed to know was how long until he got to mom because even if I had run out of the house in my bathrobe straight from the shower (as I was currently running around my house) it would have taken me over 2 hours to get there. Luckily he was only 40 minutes away from mom. I didn't bother calling brother 1 because I knew he was in the woods hunting and would not get the call. I didn't call brother 2 because he's not great about answer his phone and he was out of town on business. I woke my husband, balling, and he asked if it was my dad because he could tell someone was dead he just didn't know who else I would be reacting like that to. I answered him it was my step-dad not my dad and it's funny that I remember that because I for some reason don't recall the minute details of the next 2 hours but I do remember that question. My husband was upset but completely controlled. He gave me 1 step after the other, one at a time to keep me going. I called my mom's only sister and she had gotten the same call as me so neither of us knew anything other than I needed her to get here as soon as possible. She was in the car within 2 hours making the 4 hour drive and she stayed by mom's side the entire week which we could not have been more grateful for. The next few days were a whirl wind that I know all of you know well because, hey, we are in this group for a reason. In the midst of planning a funeral for my step-dad we at least had the good fortune of starting to see improvements in my dad's health and finally getting better from the chemo. So here I am, 1 month after the death of my step-dad, 5 months after my dad's diagnosis and 6 months after the death of my grandpa. 2017 was not a good year despite having some really good times, the bad outweigh them right now. I've had some self-revelations. When my grandpa died I was completely at peace with my relationship with him. I held his hand the day before and had lunch with him 2 weeks prior. I'm not religious, in fact I'm atheist so I don't think God will help me through any of this but I do think self-awareness, strength and family will. When my dad was diagnosed I was terrified of losing him and had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach from the beginning. I still do, and I will until we get the results of his scan on Monday (60 hours from now). When the funeral was finally over for my step-dad I felt sad, guilty, mad...all the "normal" feelings. I think. But I don't feel at peace. I was 4 when my parents divorced, 5 when mom started dating and 7 when they got married, so my step-dad was a part of my life for 30 years. I'm positive that my childhood was almost, completely, all good. I have the pictures to prove it. But the actual memories about my childhood with my mom, brothers and step-dad (apart from my dad, his wife and her kids) are not good. I remember him coming home drunk, I remember them fighting, I remember being embarrassed to have friends over, I remember playing pool and darts at the bar while they visited with their friends, I remember my mom struggling financially, I remember by brothers moving out and going to college while I was at home with all of it. I moved out of my mom's house when I was 15 to live with my dad. I remember telling her it was because of my step-dad and I remember being mad she "chose him over me". As an adult I thought I had reconciled all of those feelings, that although he was not a good step-dad, he was an incredible grandpa to my 2 nephews and niece. I assumed it came with age and maturity on his part. I also realize that at times I was a brat to deal with. I never thought about the fact that he went from being a 38-year-old life bachelor to the step-dad of 4 kids ages 7-18 and how hard that probably was for him. As a now married woman I had a much better relationship with him the last 10--15 years as we both matured. Right now I'm having a hard time dealing with all of the emotions that come with the grief of a grandpa and a step-dad as well as my dad's health. How do I manage? What can I do to help myself grieve for everything? I'm completely overwhelmed by emotions right now, but mostly sadness. I talk to my mom and we ask how each other how we are doing and we tell each other what made us happy, sad or teary-eyed that day I talk to my husband but sometimes it feels like he's moved on and I haven't. I feel like my grief doesn't mean as much to my friends because "it was just your grandpa, it's expected" and "it was your step-dad not your dad". While that is true, it also could not be further from the truth. Does anyone have advise on what I can do, should do, read...anything to help me feel like I'm going down the right path of grief and healing? If you made it to the end of that, thank you. If you skipped to this paragraph, I understand. Basically it boils down to this. I've lost my grandpa, watched my dad battle stage IV cancer and buried my step-dad in the last 6 months. What do I do next?
  17. Last November I came back to my dorm room to find my sweet little boy Pudge in some serious distress. He was yowling, his back legs lost circulation, he couldn't move, and he was so so scared. I immediately started crying because I knew he was going to die, and despite my pleading with him not to as I drove to the vet, he did just that. The doctor told me that he was in a lot of pain, his heart was weak, he had a blood clot in a major artery, and there was nothing to be done. I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever made and I'll never forget the way he looked at me as he went. His little head was resting in my hand as I cried. He looked at me as if to say it was okay, and it was his time to go. As his eyes finally closed, and his breathing stopped, it felt as though the whole world went silent. Pudge was the sweetest little boy in the entire world and I loved him with all of my heart. I am a college student living with Major Depression and a General Anxiety Disorder. In the Fall of 2016, I decided to bring my cat to school with me as an emotional support animal and it was the best decision I've ever made. I am an RA and I live alone, so it was perfect. He helped me sleep, or calm down during a panic attack. He was there for me and loved me unconditionally. He was an older cat, 14 at the time of his death, and he LOVED attention. I would look forward to coming home every day because he would be there waiting for me. We spent hours doing homework, cuddling, watching Netflix and YouTube videos, and taking naps. You name it! He was the sweetest cat I've ever known. He never hissed at, scratched, or bit me. Many of my friends and residents commented on how close we were. He really was like a son to me. He lived a happy and beautiful life with me, and now he's gone. I just... I thought we had more time to be together. I thought he would be there for my graduation. We were going to make Christmas cards, I bought him a little sombrero to throw him a quinceñera this year, etc. I don't know what to do without him. I can't sleep, I just lay in bed and stare at the ugly white box they put his ashes in. Sometimes I start crying and I hold it wishing that he were there. I need to find an urn for him but they're all so expensive, and I'm on a college student budget. I miss him, I miss everything about him. Even the way he would cry to be held at night, the way he would rub against my face when I was sleeping and he wanted attention, or how he would walk all over my laptop and disrupt my work. Now I have no one to hold, to cuddle with or kiss on the cheek. My room is silent, empty, lifeless. I could barely open the door to my room and spend five minutes in there after it happened. Now it's more bearable but I still feel an overwhelming sense of dread when I go home. I recently went to my actual home for Winter Break. I used to cry every day, but the entire week before I went home I only teared up a little. When I packed my car and put all of his stuff in it... the litter box, the food bowl, his toys, his treats... it was all too much. I broke down crying. Now I cry every night, despite my best efforts. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss because of my loss. I realize that getting better and moving on isn't a straight line. I'll have setbacks, take one step forward and three steps back, etc. But I feel like I'm grieving INCORRECTLY or something. He was my best friend, my little son, my love bug. We were co-dependent. He wasn't just a cat, he was my family. Now he's gone.
  18. Three years ago on Christmas I had my second miscarriage of the year. On December 19th I was told the baby had no heartbeat. After many tears and a lot of cursing I left the office wondering how long I had until the miscarriage would start. I was married at the time and was not working. I went home and spent the next several days numb and fearful. I had a feeling in my gut that Christmas was the day. On Christmas eve my family gathered at my mother's house to celebrate. This particular year there was no joy. I had ruined everything. My mother and grandmother were crying upstairs. My father was chain smoking and stayed in the garage. My brother did not attend because he didn't want to "be a member of crazy town." Needless to say the party broke up early and my husband and I went home. At around 11:30 my pains started. I remember trying to find a cheerful movie to put on that I could listen to while all this was happening. I had settled on Sleeping Beauty and was just reaching for case when the whole thing started. My husband called my mother and went to bed. My mother arrived to find me in the bathroom sobbing in the bathtub. Nothing prepares you for the empty feeling you get where there once was life. Nothing prepares you for sadness and heartache. Nothing prepares you for this now horrible memory that never goes away. That this particular day on the calendar is the most dreaded of all 365. Everyone you speak to about it says it gets better. That the pain will lessen over time. But sometimes it just doesn't lessen or go away. And contrary to popular belief it is okay to hate the memory, the day, and the helpless hours spent crying and raging against the world. If you were pregnant for 15 minutes or 15 weeks you are still a mother. The only hard part is accepting you are a mother to a child who is not here on Earth. That you will never watch them grow from helpless baby to a functioning toddler. You wont get to watch them wait for Santa to come. But they are still a part of you. After these three years I am just as much a mother now as I was then, watching all my hopes and dreams slide away from me. So for once I will be honest. It hurts. It sucks and no one gets you because everyone feels different about things. It's okay to be mad and jealous at people with their bouncing bundles of joy. Lets be honest, all you have is a bouncing bundle of doubt. Doubt that you will get better and doubt that that next time it will all be okay. But again, its okay to feel that way.
  19. My mom liked Christmas. She liked family togetherness, the christmas spirit, the food etc.. I never liked it because I always felt so alien in my family. I couldn't relate to them. I wasn't like them, they didn't know me really. I lived a different life, a non traditional life, travelled a lot. I used to bargain with my mom when we were going to family for christmas. What time can we leave? I need to know in advance what time can we leave? She never really understood why I didn't like Christmas but if you don't feel part of the family gang, being stuck with them all for a day is anxiety producing. Even worse when they were all coming over to my moms house because you have no idea when they're going to leave! That causes a lot of anxiety. Everyone is happy and you're not but pretending to be. Now that she is gone and I won't be going "home" for the holidays its a very weird emotion. I'm glad to not be with the family I am now mostly estranged from. Yet devastatingly sad to not be with my mother who was pure goodness. So I will be spending christmas alone. Friends have their own family functions and the closest ones don't even live in the same country as me. So as I walk through the streets of my city with pretty xmas lights and decorations, watching people rushing around, busy shopping, meeting loved ones, buying excessive amounts of food, desserts etc.. Its an overwhelming sad emotion of extreme loneliness and wondering where I even belong now my roots have gone. As my friend left town earlier to spend with her mother and family, she said, try to enjoy the day, enjoy life, your mom would want you to be happy. I realise this is well meaning, I really do but I felt an inner sadness and anger of - you have no idea!! No idea until this happens to you and you are completely alone in the world. I smiled and wished her a good trip.
  20. I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend. When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed. By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken. She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception. The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home." She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down. Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you. In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack. Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it. My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.
  21. I'm new to this forum but I lost my mom June 30, 2007... My sister passed when I was 4 in a car accident in 2003 and that's the point that my mom kind of gave up. She would cry about her nonstop which made me develop my anxiety pretty early on. She began having her heart attacks not too long after. I'm not sure how soon after but the first time and every time after is burnt in my mind. she was always rushed off to the hospital late at night/early in the morning. I always had to be pulled off her while she laid in the hospital bed. I would make my dad bring me to her if she had to stay for multiple days. She was my best friend. When she came home she would act as if nothing had happened and take care of us all. Always had the house cleaned and dinner was always made.. Every morning before school I had to kiss her or I'd have this uneasy felling in my stomach all day. I always worried about her. I always wondered if she would be there when I got home or if she would be laying in another hospital bed. By 2006 she already had 4- 5 heart attacks. Her doctor had told her to get her priorities in order. Her heart was barely working. I don't think she believed him. Her mom, my nana, died May 2007. I'll tell you now, that's when my mom totally left us. She was so heartbroken. She went on a girls trip to Lake George in June. She was secretly planning a vacation for us. My sister and I stayed with my aunt Nadine while Michael J stayed with my uncle Michael. the first few days I had anxiety being away from her. I cried one whole night because I felt weird when her phone had no reception. The next day she came home. She called my aunt after we had gotten burger king, I got 2 cheese burgers that day. She asked if we wanted to come home and we both said no. An ambulance rushed passed us on 208 and I felt weird. I said, "actually, I wanna go home." She brought me home and my mom greeted us in the driveway. Nikki left and mom and I made plans to walk down the road since her car broke down. Around 5, we walked to Evelyn's. I hung out with my best friend, Robert, while she hung out with hers.. Evelyn. we stayed until 12 and I remember she only had 2 beers which I found odd. I got tired and asked to go home.. they offered me to stay but again I got this uneasy feeling about my mom going home alone. She said, "look up a manatee and when I come down, we'll go home." Robert and I googled them and when she came back downstairs we left. As we walked up the hill, she held her chest and was breathing heavily. I said, "are you okay mommy?" and she said, "yeah I'm okay. I just had an iced tea today and they give me heartburn." We walked home my arm around her. When we got home, she heated up my second burger and put me to sleep in my dads room. she kissed me goodnight and said I love you. In the morning, I heard my dad repeatedly yelling what I thought was "gabby, wake up!" I came out to the living room where my mom slept, rubbed my eyes, looked up and saw it. My mom on the floor of our living room; her lips purple, her body lifeless and my dad giving her CPR. I just began screaming and ran out the front door. I could hear my dad on the phone saying his fiancé wasn't breathing and was purple and had had a heart attack. Eventually the paramedic's had showed up, they asked me what happened and I said " my mommy's on the floor with purple lips, please help her"and they rushed in. I watched as all of my neighbors piled out of their homes as they always did when my mom was rushed off to the hospital. I watched as they read the directions for the defibrillator and my dad pushed him because he was taking too long. We were both removed from the room. Two of my aunts arrived. My aunt Nadine took me into the kitchen where she sobbed and I just stared at the wall in shock. She turned to me and said, "why aren't crying? aren't you upset?" and I immediately lost it. My other aunt and I walked to her car while all of my neighbors stared and I couldn't help but have this feeling of embarrassment wash over me. I still don't understand why. Soon, I was at my aunt Theresa's and Nikki was dropped off. I walked back and forth throughout the house just wondering what if she doesn't make it.. what if I'm the only one without a mom... what are we going to do??A car pulled up; my uncle and dad. First my uncle and through the window I saw him remove his hat and then I saw my dad close behind. I ran to the door. As it opened I said, " daddy, did mommy make it??" and he said " no baby, I'm sorry.. mommy's dead." I collapsed in my aunts arms screaming. This was the worst day of my life.
  22. Loss of a farm animal

    Hello..... I recently lost a beef calf who I really loved. I wanted to share my experience with others so I wrote a blog post about my experience. Would love to hear your thoughts and if you have had similar feelings of loss from farm animals?
  23. On February 13, at 11:30 at night, I heard my husband kick back in his recliner. I headed for bed. I got up at 3, to make his breakfast and make sure he got off to work on time. He was still sleeping, which was unusual, but I went ahead and made his breakfast and when I carried it into the living room, he was still sleeping. I set his breakfast on the TV tray and reached for his foot to wake him. Everytime I think about that morning, I think to myself, Do Not Touch His Foot. Because everything in my life was good up to that point, my world still existed. But when I touched his foot, his oh so very very very cold foot, my entire world just stopped, totally. Part of me knew, and part of my was whimpering, and part of me was screaming and part of me was grabbing the phone and dialing 911 and I was yelling at him to wake up, WAKE UP. He didn't. My husband of 42 years had left me. No warning, no illness, no heart issues up to this point. He simply left. The coroner said massive heart attack, he never woke up, he didn't feel a thing, all the things that should make me feel better, but they don't, because not a damn one of them brings him back. How can I keep going without him? He died on the 14th. On the 15th, my brother called to tell me my mom had passed early that morning. I pretty much lost the rest of the week. I now write a blog, which is helping, but I have questions about my own sanity. Is it normal for me to suddenly break down, sobbing, for what seems no reason? Is it normal to go through the day, seeming okay, and then without warning have a meltdown? I wear his coat everywhere, I don't care what it looks like, it smells like him. I sleep with his T shirt. Am I going crazy? Why can't I stop crying???
  24. I lost my mom 3 months ago to lung cancer.. One day she was home and getting better, then 4 days later she was gone.. I'm the youngest of my siblings and I'm have an extremely hard time coping. It seems like the more time that passes, the more it hurts. I find myself dreading getting out of bed, having anxiety being around people even my husband or family members, and having thoughts of hurting myself frequently..
  25. I live at the other side of the world, in Rio de Janeiro. A 13 hours flight from home. Yesterday, 18th of november, I received the worse phone call I could ever have received. My mom telling me that my daddy passed away, suddenly, in his sleep of a heart attack. This huge distance anestesiates my pain because here nothing reminds me of him but this pain is already undescribable. Tonight I’m taking a plane to go home and it’s going to be the worse plane trip ever with a 4 hour lay-over all by myself and a total of 17 hours travelling by myself. I’ll be seeing those clouds and thinking about him. I can’t imagine the shock and the pain that will go through my heart arriving at the airport and not seeing my dad, just my mom and my brother with their sad faces, with their pain. I’ll go home and find everything of my daddy and not see him, ever again. I can’t imagine that this is my life from now on, that is the reality I will have to face from now on. The holiday season is around the corner and it’s going to be so much tougher, every year, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, will never be the same anymore. He was young, 62, in perfect health and so many dreams to realize with my mom. Life is so unfair! :,( Rest in peace daddy
×