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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Mothership

Members
  • Content count

    3
  • Joined

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About Mothership

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Not much, these days
  • Loss Type
    Adult Child loss
  • Angel Date
    4/10/17

Converted

  • First Name
    Deanna
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    I read and my heart just aches for everyone. Adams Dad and Rebekah's Mom, I vaguely remember being in your shoes, so fresh to this unbearable pain. My only child, Ian died of an accidental overdose a little over 10 months ago. He was 30 and of course my world shattered. While I'm still very deep in the throws of grief, please believe me when I say hang on! Day by day. Heck, minute by minute, really. I still feel that way. I wake up and say good morning Ian and tell myself " do the best you can today." My first few months I sat alone in my house most days and either read, slept or cried. I found reading about the grief process to be very helpful. I also realized this was so much stronger than me and saw my doctor who prescribed an antidepressant. I was worried about not being able to feel, but I still do. If you can, take FMLA and take care of yourself. I also saw a grief counselor from May-Sept. I'm thinking about going back. I found myself staring at my computer today for about 15 straight minutes because I couldn't remember what I was doing. Serious brain fog. Then on the drive home a song comes on the radio and here come the tears. I'm pretty new here, but every time I come on, I feel like " they get it...I'm understood and I find the words of those who have endured longer than us to be incredibly helpful. I will also say I initially thought people would think less of me (and him) because his manner of death but I refuse to think that any more. The ME told us his heart was extremely large for a young man his age, upon initial report before toxicology report. His Dad and I both immediately thought, yes it was! That large heart spread lots of love and kindness around this world in those 30 years. THAT is what I choose to try and remember. Some days that is easier than others. I still feel like Im walking around aimlessly with no direction but I am surviving. I isolate when necessary and force myself to interact with close friends only. I dont want to, often, but for me it does help. Erikasmom and TearsinHeaven (and others Im soryy I cant remember) have great words of experience and encouragement. I talked about hope in a prior post and Dee said she caught some flack for using that word early on. Hope is a powerful word and feeling. You dont have to feel it now ( because I sure didn't) but I have to have it at least once in awhile otherwise I'm not sure I could breathe. I hope you find tomorrow to be as good as you can be. I'm going to try again. Blessings, Mothership
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    I'm so glad I found this site. Ian has been gone 10 months today. I slipped into his favorite shirt last night and snuggled in to watch the Olympics. It makes me feel like he is giving me me a big hug (he was well known for his hugs). I read all the posts and my heart just breaks but at the same time I feel hope. This morning I remember a moment back in November. Ian and I traveled a lot together and in 2015 we spent 2 glorious weeks in Australia and New Zealand. We had the time of our lives! We had Ian cremated and I vowed to continue our travels and leave a bit of him in special places. I went to Strawberry Fields, in Central Park, in November and found a special tree and scattered some ashes. I was walking away and my phone was in my coat I pocket. I heard my phone take a picture and pulled it out to see it snapped a picture of my screen saver-a picture of the two of us in New Zealand. It was a brief moment of joy! It helps me temendously to hold on to those moments. Through all my tears and sadness, those brief moments give me hope. I could hear Ian saying "Mothership, that was cool and I love ya." They are so refreshing in a sea of grief. I wanted to share that to perhaps give others hope. Not much makes me feel good these days but I cling to moments like that. I'm fearful of getting to year one. I read someplace that often times the 2nd year can be harder.... I cannot imagine but I kind of understand. Someone posted earlier about still thinking their son was going to walk through the door-I agree. Is that my mind protecting itself? Anyone have any suggestions on how to best "manage" the impending "day" when the world as you knew it, ceased to exist? Thanks for listening and blessings to all!
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    I wish I did't have to find this forum, but from reading some posts, I'm glad I did. My smart, loving, talented and super entertaining only child died from an accidental overdose in April 2017. As you all understand I was devastated. His name is Ian and he was just 30 years old. He called me Mothership which I became very fond of. He has always been the light and love of my life and to most anyone else who had the pleasure of meeting him. Ian struggled with life once he hit his teens. Oh he had numerous friends, got by in school, worked some but just never seemed to find his place. I naively thought he would grow out of it with love and support and just growing up. He attended a rehab when he was about 24 and we thought things were getting better. We were wrong. He would have good periods and bad and they were easy to spot. We offered help so many times in the form of paying for counseling etc., but he would never accept. He didnt want "need" to be medicated and he "wasnt a talker". I moved back to my home town after he graduated and moved out of the house because he didnt need rules. I wanted him to come with me but he chose to stay in Wisconsin (his dad and lots of family/friends there. We saw each other a couple times a year and talked often. The last time we spent together was Oct 2016 and we hiked and spent the weekend together. It was nice but I knew he wasnt doing well. We left each other pissed but worked it out because we always did. Then I got "the call" on a Monday night, months later. His coworker found him in his apartment. The funeral was beautiful and the next 3-4 months a blurr and still fuzzy. Its hard to turn off my brain. Work helps during the day ( I was fortunate enough to take 4 months off). But often, as soon as I get in the car, grief takes over. My head understands all I've read about the grief coming in waves and all the other emotions but my heart....! A couple of times I thought I was having a heart attack. We had a custom made bench put in the park he hung out at, by our house, and had a celebration of life on his birthday in September. It was beautiful. Although during the process, I cursed that bench. Christmas was hard because it was our favorite time of the year together. Surprisingly, the new year was even harder. I thought I was going to completely lose my **** one Friday night. Crying, screaming, pacing , unable to stop the racing thoughts. I live alone but have some awesome friends/family that are available anytime. I felt crazy, like a burden; what could they say to bring my beautiful boy back? I ended up calling Ians aunt (who he was close to) and felt much better. In my madness I just kept saying "I want him back!" I guess the last 8 or 9 months has taught me this will NEVER go away and at the most random times that mighty wave CRASHES in to me. I miss everything. I also miss the future that should have been. Once, I actually thought, he is finally at peace. But I want something I can't have-Ian at peace, on earth. He told me once that he always remembered what I once told him " you are only as happy as your unhappiest child." Now I think, what does that statement mean now that my son is gone? What brings me comfort...when people say his name and tell stories, wearing one of his shirts, having a conversation with him. People think Im doing well. If they lived in my brain for a day they would see a different picture. It amazes me how good of an actress I can be sometime. My Golden Retriever, Ruby, knows the real Mothership. Please tell me I will survive and anything specific that helps you endure the immense pain and sadness!
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