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Margeetx

Members
  • Content count

    40
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Margeetx

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Euless,Texas
  • Interests
    Not sure right now
  • Loss Type
    Sudden death of 44 year old son
  • Angel Date
    January 23, 2018

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired Registered Nurse
  • Last Name
    Gantz
  • First Name
    Margarett
  • Zip
    76039
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey everyone....I hope with some time, and my brain is out of the fog, I will be able to remember everyone's names....right now, I can't remember *£?t. Thanks for the compliments on the picture, and yes, I am tall---5'11". Oh I am sure that I have shrunk some, since I am now looking 67 straight in the eyes in June. I just spent 2 hours on the phone with Jeremy ( younger brother). He had a hard day today, was crying, and we just needed to talk. He is the father to my two grandsons- Carson, 11 and Ryder, 3. He was concerned about church in the morning; he is fearful that if one person asks him how he is, that he will breakdown crying. And, he does not not want that to happen. We talked at length about this; I told him that if he was fearful of this happening... don't go tomorrow. I understand how he feels. I went to the grocery store one morning this past week....saw the tank with the live lobsters, and nearly lost it because Jason LOVED lobsters. This is not getting any easier. I need more time. I need for this to have never happened. Period. XXOO margarett
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Good Saturday to all: I am finally getting to sit outside for a little while. We had frog strangling rain all morning, and now the sun is trying to peek out. I have been unable to think of anything but Jason since last night. I was putting away the pictures that my dgt-in-law had used at out GET TOGETHER for Jason exactly 4 weeks ago today, and I am attaching one of my favorites. He had graduated high school, and I am wearing 3" heels...he was about 6'4". It is of my second marriage. Mind you, that marriage didn't count... only lasted 18 months. I was such an idiot. I swear, no one should do anything life altering during their 40th year, but that is an entirely different story, for perhaps a different forum. I am sitting on my deck that Jason built, entirely by himself. He was quite the carpenter, union member- the whole sha-bang. ( is that a word?). I will get out today... I have to get some notecards to write thank you notes. Hopefully all will forgive my delay. I should have pulled out the I-Pad last nite....I had some things I wanted to share, but now I am drawing a blank. Note to self: next time, do it. XXOO margaretttt
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee: I have a housekeeping question. How would I find all of the posts by a certain person? Can you? Thanks XXOO margarett
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am sooooooo sorry. I meant LETTIE, not Peggy. XXOO margarett
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Peggy: are you ok? You have been on my mind all day for some reason. Let me hear from you. XXOO margarett
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dearest Lettie: You lost your precious daughter on the same day that I lost Jason. I wish I had some advice or something to tell you, but I don't right now. I am still in such a stage of flux that I can't even make any sense to myself, much less anyone else. But, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers; I will watch carefully for your posts; and, I am here for you. XXOO margarett
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Here it is, after midnight, and sleep evades me. I am now on page 26 of the old posts.. mostly from 2005. I also ordered the book "SUGAR COOKIES AND A NIGHTMARE"...how my daughter's death taught me the meaning of life". And with AMAZON, heck , it will be here tomorrow-- maybe by drone!! Anyway, it was recommended by someone on this site, and I really liked her entries on her website. Oh, the author is Carol Kerns. I will give you all a book report after I read it. Tonight has been so weird for me. Actually, I think I am just pissed. I called the medical examiner 's office today, and was told it may be 90 days before I get the report. I explained that I understand that the toxicology report can take that long, but surely the initial report should be available sooner. I think I am getting the runaround and I will call the investigator tomorrow. I have to be "MISS CONTROL" , you know. And even though we needed the rain...5 straight days of it?!? Only in Texas. But I am a very outdoor person, and actually have self diagnosed myself with some seasonal depressive disorder and with this grief, that ain't good. I am the fool that can play 36 holes of golf in 100+degrees when I am accustomed to it. Not sure I will be able to do that any more Since Jason died, I am doing good to get a shower, and have zero desire to be around anyone in the human race. Guess I could play 36 holes by myself. Now that would be dumb. Jason , Jeremy and I would play golf together. I found out this past summer that they both secretly laughed at my swing. What I would give to have Jason laugh at me again. Even though I didn't 'like' the amount of beer the boys drank while we played, it was to my advantage by the back nine. Being on the course with these 2 was always wonderful.... no cell phones... just us three... talking about everything and nothing. I just can't imagine him not being here. I was doing a load of laundry today, and as I was folding the clothes, I remembered doing his laundry those 10 months that Jason lived with Mike and me 4 years ago when he moved here from Louisiana. He would crack us up talking 'Cajun. He kept telling me not to do his laundry... that he would do it. I had to remind him that you didn't wash 3 loads In one, with all colors together!!!! Or me telling a 40 year old how to fold clothes. It was so damn funny. I miss him and want him to be here. And he never will be again. XXOO margarett
  8. Lost my 18 year old daughter to sepsis

    Oh, BrokenMum: I can only imagine the heartache, pain, disbelief, and agony that you are feeling, especially after witnessing the staff working on your precious daughter as she was 'crashing'. Many of us here are nurses, so we REALLY know what that event is. For some reason, I have wished that I could have been present when they tried to save my son's life...then again, I am not sure I could have managed it. I can only tell you one thing at this point-one month and one day since Jason died--you will have feelings and thoughts that you would have never thought that you would. I thought I KNEW about grief... well, I knew it for others. I have even felt and mourned for my parents and 3 siblings. But nothing in my life has ever felt like this. I am giving new meaning to the 'twilight zone'. I don't feel as if I am living. It is as if my body is on auto response...nothing feels real. Nothing. Love your son. I have Jason's twin sister and his younger brother, and they need me, just as your beloved son needs you. Come here often. It does help to talk with others who do understand and care. Bless you. XXOO margarett
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey Dee: Thank you. I think you may be right on target about my inability to cry. I am sure at some point it will hit. Maybe when I have finally been able to review the autopsy and the ER records....I don't know. it means so much to know that I have all of you who understand what this is really like. I would have never believed that a heart and soul could feel like this. I worked hospice for 10 years...even taught END OF LIFE training, but I never thought this is what losing a child could/would feel this way. XXOO margarett
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    I just finished my daily call with Meredith as she was driving home from work. She experienced her first dream about Jason last night. We discussed the dream and she remembered every single part of the dream. I explained that someone here explained that she had a "visitation " dream...I have not had a dream yet. We both cried....which I still do so seldom. Why can I not cry? I have no difficulty questioning the events around his death....mostly questions...had he experienced any chest pain or shortness of breath prior to the morning he died? What happened to the laminated card I had made for him to carry in his wallet which would have directed the authorities to contact me immediately, rather than 2 days later. It would not have changed anything, but I think often about him being dead 2 whole days before I knew it. This hurts like hell for some strange reason. I still have no received his autopsy. More phone calls tomorrow. I hope all of you are doing as well as you can. We are all so different, yet we are all the same in so many ways. XXOO margarett
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Today is Tuesday. Exactly 4 weeks since Jason died. I want to share my favorite picture of Jason...I took this on the beach when he was 17. The other picture is of the children when they were around 6 and 3. I have hung the Jason picture here in my 'nest'. At some point, I must organize the over 1000 pictures that I have of the children. Meredith is coming in June so I can make albums, and so that I can be with her on 'their' birthday, June 7. I haven't been writing to you guys as often. There are days that I really think that I am dying. My doctor doesn't think so, though we are having difficulty getting my A-FIB to calm down. All my fellow nurses here will understand when you know that I am on Tikosyn. And, I have to cope with some nasty side effects from it....and since it is a speciality drug, it is very $$$. Medicare part D doesn't cover very much of the cost....so my garden budget will be affected...lol. I had to be hospitalized for 3 days to initiate the RX and if I miss a dose, it is back to the hospital again to restart it. Poor pitiful me. I am so thankful that Mikey and I have a fixed income that isn't too bad for us. Heck, Mikey's pension/SS- he is actually making more $$$ then when he was working. As he should, after working 43 years as a police officer. We are so blessed and I know it. So many retired folks are not as lucky as we are. I continue to read a lot of the older posts from as far back as 2005. This site has been around for so many of us. And, then I come back and read the new posts since yesterday. Today, I actually cooked dinner. I had not cooked for 5-6days. Mikey loved it...I need to cook more often for him. He is my ROCK-STAR. I am trying to understand why Jason kept his private life so distant from us. He and I could sit and talk for hours, but not about his deeply private life. I did not know any of the guys he worked with, and only met a few girlfriends. I would love to talk with his friends. I have always thought that he was hiding part of his life from me....was he afraid I would be disappointed? Or scared of what he was involved with. I know construction guys are tough and many of the few people he did tell me about were having ' women problems' or difficulties because his company would send a crew away for weeks at a time. He talked a lot about wanting to travel out of the country. He really wanted to go to Dubai and work on those sand islands they are developing. As far as my thinking....I am obsessed with thoughts of him. I feel no sense of peace or relief. Only pain. And unbelievable sadness. It is raining cats and dogs here. Today it was 78... tomorrow we are supposed to 40. So even the earth is screwed up. Still no autopsy or medical records. Those will be another path that I want to KNOW. please know that coming here...being with all of you...is the only time that I feel that I am where I need to be. Thank you for allowing me to share my junk with you. It does help. XXOO margarett
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dianne: please don't leave the site. XXOO margarett
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    My dear sweet husband of 23 years, Mike, reminded me very gently, that today was the first day that I had put on makeup, since the Saturday that we got 'together' for Jason's memorial get-together. I had an appt for a haircut. Got there. Sat down in the wash your hair chair, and the minute that Tina turned the water on, I started bawling, tears the size of water balloons, and snot everywhere. So then, I had to tell her about Jason, and she started crying. In about two minutes, everyone in the salon was crying. The next thing I knew, someone put a cup of hot tea in my hands, got me a wash cloth for my face, and slowly, it all calmed down. CRAP. Is this what is going to happen every time I go out in public??? I mean, for the past 52 years, I ALWAYS did my makeup and got dressed for work. I only had to wear a uniform for the three years that I worked in public health... all my other jobs were always in management. I have let myself 'go' since Jason died. You would think my nursing career would have me more programmed to be ok when I get around other people. I have been reading this site from the first page.....I think I am at about page 60. People are strong and people survive. Tonight on the PBS NEWS, Judy Woodruff went over each victim of the Florida nitemare. I cannot even begin to imagine their pain. If anyone calls me, I start crying.... not good for those trying to comfort me. I find myself talking to Meredith and Jeremy ( Jason's siblings ) several times a day. I don't cry with them....I let them cry. I wish I lived close enough to some of you to meet for coffee or lunch. We understand each other. XXOO margarett
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Peggy: You and I are almost in the same spot on this road....your Ron is only one week earlier than my Jason. Today, I thought I was absolutely going to die. Just naturally from my heart. It feels as if I can barely beat. I have A-FIB, and my mobile test tells me that my heart rate is running between 130-170. But I can't feel it beating. I only feel a deep, deep sadness and pain. But it isn't a real pain.... not physical, but as if I am in space. I can so identify with everything you say. Please know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts. This is horrendous. XXOO margarett
  15. Loss of an Adult Child

    Today has been one of those days when it felt that every breath, every movement, every thought--- was forced by me. And Jason was the only thought in my being...all day long. Even the news about the Florida school shooting seemed like it wasn't real. But my thoughts about Jason were SO REAL, it was as if he was in my body. I continue to wonder....did he have any symptoms the night before the morning when the pulmonary embolism caused cardiac arrest? Had he been feeling bad? Where was he the night before? He was living intermittently with different people....I didn't know where. I do not think I can do this. XXOO margarett
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