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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

GrievingMySibling

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About GrievingMySibling

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Los Angeles
  • Interests
    Being outdoors, the ocean, the mountains, the woods. Art, reading, movies, music.
  • Loss Type
    Two Sibling Losses-My Brothers
  • Angel Date
    11/27/17 and 5/9/06

Converted

  • Occupation
    Creative Field
  • Interests
    Photography
  • First Name
    Nicole
  • Zip
    90068
  • Country
    USA
  • About Me
    I’ve lost two Siblings and through sharing I hope to help others and myself with our grief

Recent Profile Visitors

147 profile views
  1. So many moments this week where I would read something or be watching something and think...my brother would love this! Or my brother would laugh so hard at this! The urge to text him messages and call him so strong. The feeling of just wanting to check on him to see how he is doing :(. So painful, knowing I can’t because he is gone. My parents keep doing things where I keep thinking about how my brother would laugh with me at the silliness and just know my feelings exactly, because he shared the same feelings and understood me as as only a sibling can. Now I don’t have him to laugh with about inside jokes and frustrations over family stuff. I don’t have him to back me up. I don’t have him to tell me he loves me and me to tell him I love him too and we’re in this together (in the physical sense). We went to a classic car show tonight and he would have loved it. The classic cars, low riders with hydraulics, music, people. Several times I said to my Mom, remember in high school “B” had a car like that, “B” loved that song and she said “I don’t remember that”. I felt so alone. I keep getting irritable with my parents and feel terrible about it. I’m deep into my grief and depression and keep trying to communicate that, but I don’t think it’s getting through. I am aware every family member will grieve differently, it just hurts to feel like I am misunderstood and expected to be strong. Inside I’m an emotional wreck, trying to find my footing and get grounded. I need more time. 

  2. Happy Valent...Shut up!

    Ughhh....yes! Feeling a lot of those feelings that you just wrote. Sending you emapathetic, caring vibes your way and for work and that type of an environment to go easy on you as you try and protect your heart. I am going to picture a bubble around mine tomorrow so that no one can penetrate it. I’m too vulnerable tomorrow. Maybe they’ll recognize what a hard day it must be for you and show you support. I’m also going to honor all my feelings tomorrow...good, bad, sad, angry...whatever they are. When I get home from work, I’m writing a letter to my loved one to get my thoughts out and then cry. If I can, I am going to do something like go on a hike and create a new positive memory. Hoping this will help my grief. Hugs
  3. Traumatised by my brother's death

    Oh Janey, I am so sorry. It is more than anyone should have to go through. My brother had stage 4 adrenal cancer and (for years the days in the icu pained me). Screams, then nothing, then feeling that I could see his pain and that we were helpless to do anything. I know those moments for you had to be heartwrenching and it makes sense why they would linger. We eventualy had to make the decision to shut off the machine because his lungs filled with fluid and so I played his favorite music, had a priest give the last rights, and held his hand as he took his last breaths. After, I had to go back in as a witness and sign the death certificate. I was 28 at the time and it ripped my heart in two. What helped me eventually (because I was numb for a long time and then in fivht or flight mode) was going to a grief cancer support group and individual therapy. It’s hard at first, but if you stick with it, the trauma feelings change and you’ll get coping tools. You’ll always grieve the loss, but it will change. Just hold on and try to put your feet on the floor every day and get out of bed. That’s what I’m doing. I’m back to square one with a loss of a different brother. Sometimes it’s hard to breath and I feel like I can’t go on, but I put my feet on the floor, stand up and then go to the simplist task first, and then the next. One day at a time, hour by hour. I also write a short note everynight about what I am feeling, or needing, or to my brother and then put it in my God box. It’s a promise to myself and to those I’ve lost that I will go on and try to live the best life I can like they would want me too. We will all get there if we keep sharing our feelings, encouraging each other and get professional help to guide us. Feeling the feelings is the only way to be able ro move through. Never leting go, but changing the type of grief. Hugs, Nicole
  4. Loss Of Brother

    I replied to your post on my wall (about your thoughtful response to me regarding my post) and then I just saw this. Just like a couple of others on this site, it blows me away all the commonalities we share. I definitely share the fixation emotion among others. I’ve had it with my brother who just passed and with my other brother who passed with stage 4. I was in a relationship with an “only child” who had never experienced a big loss and I experienced strong feelings of being so alone. Like you said, I would never want them to go through that kind of pain. I just wish that as a community, we were all better at knowing how to comfort each other in times of grief. One of the best things I did back when my first brother passed, was go to a cancer bereavement group. At first, I was like F this! It was hard to get to, hard to share, there were some stories I couldn’t relate to, or times I was irritated and felt like I wasn’t listening...but I kept going and it wasn’t until after that, that I fully understood what it did for me. How it helped me.That it was such a blessing to have that resource and those people who listened to me and carried my story in their hearts. There were people who it just happened to and others that it had been years for. Everyone’s feelings were valid and thank God we were put together. All hurt, loving, people that were courageous and brave. How beautiful that your brother walked you down the eisle and that he was all those things for you. He sounds like a truly special person. I’m working on my “fixating thoughts”, by trying to exchange the grim thought, with a good memory of my brother. I’m also telling myself it’s okay and normal to have the thought, but I have to release it within so many minutes and change focus. An activity sometimes helps me like folding laundry or something repetitive that brings me back to my body. When you start fixating on the grim thoughts, try and think of that moment he smiled at you the day of your wedding, or the pride he had for you in his eyes that day. If that memory is too painful, as I know emotions are raw, think of something funny he did to you during childhood. It hurts like hell, but eventually it may help with changing that circling thought pattern. It’s been difficult for me to do, but I feel like the more I try, the easier it will get. I also do some screaming in to a pillow ;). Here’s to hoping and praying. Hugs, Nicole
  5. grieving the loss of my sissy

    My heart hurts for you. Everything that you have written is parallel to my experience. You have written feelings I have experienced. I, like your brother, am the one who found my brother when he died late November 2017 of a heroin fentanyl overdose. My brother was passed away for days. It is traumatic and I am here if you, or he need someone to listen or talk. My family and I have felt the stigma that comes from death due to heroin. Grieving takes a long time. People that push for you to be further along in your grief have no idea what this feels like. I’m sorry that the therapist did that because it’s so important for you to be able to navigate this with help. I have also had experience with different types of therapy and want to share that it sometimes takes going to a few therapists to find the right one. After several, I finally did find one who I connect with and I don’t know where I would be without him. He is a CBT, EMDR, family systems theory, addiction specialist among other things. But those might be things to look for when searching for a new one if you feel that you can find it in you to try again. I hope you will. Maybe you and your brother can even go together. I know sometimes it’s harder for guys to open up with emotions, so just reassure him you are there for him and open to talking about what he experienced and is feeling. I’m sure you already have, but remind him every so often (this is a long road of recovery we’re all on). My parents are in a lot of pain too. They are devastated and talk about how confusing it is because for three weeks before he seemed to be doing so well. The only thing I can do for them is listen and make sure they are eating and know they are loved and that it wasn’t their fault. I have to remind myself it wasn’t my fault too. Logically I know it wasn’t, but emotionally I feel so many things that it’s overwhelming. I agree it’s a Satan drug. I actually kept saying it was like a demon had taken over my brother. He didn’t want to die. Our siblings loved us. Tiffany and your family will be in my prayers.
  6. Hurt. I have a lot of hurt today. All day I have had moments where the tears and grief want to just burst out of me. It was so hard keeping it down while I was at work. I found a note from my brother while I was cleaning tonight. It said “Nicole, I love you. Thank you for all your support all the time. I love you with all my heart. Have a safe trip home and next time I see you, I’ll be doing better. I won’t give up. I Love you, Brian” . This note was from several years ago. I remembering having such hope back then. I love my brother SO much. I feel shattered.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. GrievingMySibling

      GrievingMySibling

      Dnat,

      Thank you for reaching out. It makes me feel seen, understood and cared for. I am sorry about your brother. That is so young and I’m sure it adds to the grief. Coupled with the fact too, that it was your only sibling.  My heart hurts for you to lose all of those things that you felt, had in him. Siblings are our confidants. Memory keepers. I find comfort in reminding myself that we will always be their siblings and no one can take away our memories we got to have with them. We honor them every time we say their name and share loving stories. I know the grief never goes away, it just changes and sneaks up when we feel we are functioning. You are definitely describing what I feel. I feel a lost sense of identity. I’m also glad that you reached out because I too know what it’s like to grieve (a different sibling) to stage 4 cancer (adrenal) 11yrs ago. That brother was 33 when he passed. He was the one who was our voice of reason, best friend, protector, the one we went to for advice, the one who separated my other brother and I when we would give each other a hard time. I’m the only girl. “S” was 6 yrs older than me and “B” was 2yrs older than me. B struggled with the loss of S in a different way than me and I know it led up to his passing in November. He started self medicating right after S passed away. One of my favorite things about my brother B is that he could always get me to react in a way to things that no one else could. Good or bad :). I also loved all of the nicknames he had for me. He had a way with people and always took such good care of my grandma when she was still with us. He called her Babe and she would just laugh and laugh about it. He was so patient. I’m here too if you would like to share about your feelings, memories about your brother or anything at all. I would love to hear about your special bond. When we found out S had stage 4 cancer they gave him 3 months to live and that’s exactly what happened. We had no idea he was sick before then. Time or no time...it’s difficult to make peace with. He told us that he accepted it and so...eventually I accepted it (with the help of years of therapy). This loss of B feels extremely different. It makes sense that it would be...but some days I feel like he is going to come back. Even though I logically know it’s over.

       I’m about to go to bed and you have made me feel cared for. Thanks again.

    3. Dnat

      Dnat

      Hey Nicole,

      I just saw this, man you've been though some ****... I am so terribly sorry for all your heartache! You're brother "B" sounds so much like my Brother.. My brother was also very patient and funny! He used to call  my Grandma, Dotty because her name was Dorothy and that was her nick name... lol. She used to get such a kick out of him... he was just so loving, a gym rat... always working out or working... we never knew either that my brother was sick, never was. It was a shock, even though he was a smoker. He also had nick names for everybody :) sounds so much like "B". This is just such a rough hall,, Nicole :( 

    4. GrievingMySibling

      GrievingMySibling

      Thank you Dnat! I love hearing about your brother :). Dotty is such a cute, loving nickname! You and I definitely had special ones. I think about people I know that aren’t close with their families and feel we are so blessed. Blessed to have had the relationships and time with them. No time would ever be enough❤️ . We will always be longing for them. That is a shock to lose a brother who worked out, was healthy with no signs of sickness. Also, a brother with a good heart who treated people well. My brother “S” was a Doctor and always ate organic, worked out and was never sick. That’s why in his case we were bafflesd by his stage 4 diagnosis. The specialist said that adrenal cancer is rare and they never find it until it’s too late :(. I try and convince myself that no matter what, it would always be as painful to lose our siblings now or later in life. Ugh...you’re right! It is a rough hall. Everyday I have new feelings and this week has been so much irritability a long with the sadness. I don’t feel like myself. With “B”, I still feel like he’s going to call or that I’ll see him. I’m in that fog and hard, raw, feelings space. Stuck. My parents are visiting and it’s really hard to see them struggling too. I want to talk about “B” and they don’t. I know it’s too hard for them right now. We had all just started getting better about the loss of “S”. That took over a decade. The saving grace in his passing is that he left us two beautiful nephews who are just like him and I am still very close with that sister-in-law. Sometimes the kids do things and it’s like I’m with “S”. DNA is an amazing thing. I hooe you’re having an ok week! Hugs 

  7. Trauma from Siblings Heroin Death

    ModKonnie, Thank you for your reply. It means everything to me. I really needed someone to reply/ reachout. I have felt so alone. I wasn’t sure about posting my story because I didn’t want to trigger anyone else or scare anyone that may be experiencing fear about a family member of theirs. I also can’t and don’t want to hold it in because I don’t want the feelings to be trapped inside my body. I’m glad this is the right place to share. The few friends I have tried to talk to invalidate without meaning to. I know that my current reality is too much for some and I completely get it. I’m cognizant that they have gotten freaked out by me sharing. I will continue to share here on the forum in hope of healing for myself and others.
  8. Everyone around me is dying

    It’s so confusing and painful to lose so many people one after the next. Cumulative grief is hard to process. I have the same thoughts as you with constantly thinking who’s next, or what’s going to happen. It’s hard to feel safe and grounded when everything around you is so unpredictable. I’ve lost four friends and my brother in the past year and am on edge, worry a lot. I say positive affirmations to myself as much as I can to try and change my thought patterns and I feel it helps some. I am also trying to have a least one part of my day focused on something other than my grief (which is near impossible), to try and give my mind a break. Something physical like the batting cages, or making brownies. It won’t solve everything, but when you have circling thought patterns it helps to break them up. Can you get to a teen grief meeting in your area, or have someone schedule you an appointment with a therapist? It will really help get your anxiety level down. If you can, try and stay on a schedule to create some predictability. Whether that’s writing in a journal about your feelings, talking to a friend or therapist on a certain day, or taking a walk. One foot in front of the other so to speak. I also experience the same thing with others in regard to their passive attitudes regarding death. Their reality is different and so it’s hard for them to relate, or not say anything, or just shrug people’s loss off. It’s hurtful, but they don’t know that it hurts us and I remind myself that it’s not on purpose. I say to myself I wouldn’t want someone else to have to experience such loss and so I’m glad they are ok. Trying not to compare our lives. Sending you positive thoughts.
  9. Collage from the dead

    One of my most cherished things is a memory book my mother made for me. I look at it a lot! She also did them for all of my brothers and I just discovered a heritage album she made. I love them and it grounds me to see pictures and know about all my family members. I’ve had two brothers pass away and their books help me to remember good times instead of always thinking about how things happened and why. Especially in times of feeling alone or needing to connect. If there is someone you trust and is good at talking and listening, I would give the book to them to pass a long. That way if your child has questions or strong feelings when receiving their book, they have someone there to listen and go over things with.
  10. I’m losing my sons I’ve lost my purpose

    I’m so sorry for your loss and the hurt you’re experiencing. My parents have lost two children as well. I know how I feel losing my brothers, but can’t fathom the depths of the pain that you, my parents and others who have lost children go through. I’m hoping my mom will find strength to share and come on the forum to connect with others like you are. I think that is so brave of you to share and help others by doing so. My brother that just passed away, always struggled in a different way with my first brothers passing and we know that we lossed him because of that. It’s heart wrenching.
  11. Trying to get tranquil before sleeping by looking at pictures of one of my favorite large swell days. 

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  12. I don’t feel any different

    Sorry for your loss. When I couldn’t cry and felt numb after my brothers death, I later discovered it was because I was in shock. Now that the shock has worn off I have been letting out all the emotions and think that my mind and body wouldn’t let me feel them right away because it’s just too painful. And even though I know logically my brother is gone, I am still having those thoughts that he’s going to comeback, call and I have to stop myself from asking my parents “ Did you talk to Brian today?” (even though, AGAIN, I logically know he’s gone). It’s wild how the minds works. Try to tell yourself in those moments you are having those thoughts, that it’s ok for you to grieve however you need to. Meaning not crying, feeling numb, feeling angry...whatever the feeling is. It’s ok because not everyone grieves the same way and in the same amount of time. But try not to beat yourself up emotionally.
  13. My teen grieving 3 yrs after brother’s death. CRISIS

    I am so sorry for your losses and that your teen is struggling with emotions. I’ve lost two siblings and with my first brother that past I experienced a similar situation where I was saying the same things 2-3 years after his passing. I’m new to this site and not sure if we are allowed to suggest things, but if we are here are my thoughts. Is there possibly another available therapist that can see your teen sooner? I saw a therapist (still do even after 11yrs having gone by and it helps). I also attended free support groups in my area to talk and meet others that suffered loss. Try googling “teen grief support groups” for your specific area and if they’re aren’t teen ones, then try “family grief support groups”. There are also “Al-Ateen” meetings if you feel like the things they have on there website apply to your situation. They are usually available in most areas several times a week and are free. I have done all of these and they teach coping skills and knowing that there are other people out there like you really helps. I’m glad I’ve done all of them because I never expected to lose a second sibling and I’m greatful that I’ve learned some techniques because otherwise I would be completely baffled on how to try and help myself cope. Blessings to you, I hope that you and your family receive what you need. I almost forgot, I also found a book by T.J. Wray helpful. It’s called “Living Through Grief When An Adult Brother or Sister Dies Surviving The Death Of A Sibling”. I was 28 when I read it though so you may want to look at if other people had teens read it.
  14. Hi Will. My heart goes out to you. Not sure if you will feel these things will apply to you or not, but wanted to share in case any of it hits home and by some small chance helps. I experienced the feelings, that things were getting harder with each new day for me. I feel my feelings stem from the fact that my shock has worn off. I keep saying that I logically know my brother is gone because I was there and found him, but emotionally I’m in a whole different place. I am finding it more than hard to accept that he is gone. My mind circles with thoughts of what happened? Needing answers that I’ll never have. I’ve always suffered with depression and feel like it is at an all time high for me right now. Not sleeping at night, sleeping too late into the day when I do sleep. I’ve been isolating because I feel that others don’t understand my state of mind and also, so that I don’t have to pretend to feel other than I actually do. I too am also waiting for information about my brothers case from a homicide detective (even though we believe it was an overdose with Fentynl). I can only guess that they are looking for the dealer that sold the deadly product, or that they believe someone was with him and did something. When my best friends brother died of a gun shot wound the detectives didn’t tell her family everything because the case was open and they were searching for whoever did it and what happened. I hope and pray that you get answers as to what happened with your brother. I’m also sending good energy out to you hoping your depression eases up on you. My CBT (therapy) has helped me release some of my emotions that I couldn’t get out. Talking to a grief counselor or a professional in what you are struggling with may really help. I also go to the batting cages and let some of my aggression out.
  15. Lost my brother to heroin

    Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand the emotions you are going through. I just lost my brother to a heroin overdose and it feels like more than I can bare. I’m just telling myself, do your best to wake up everyday and put tour feet on the floor and do what you can do that day. Even if it’s just getting dressed and putting food in your body. Let the emotions come as they will. The only way to survive and move forward is to honor those emotions. Don’t let them stay stuck inside. Be easy on yourself as much as you can. They know you loved them even if you didn’t get to say or do as much as you would have liked to. I work on forgiveness everyday. For myself, towards my brother and towards those that covered the tracks of his disease and enabled him and did heroin with him. I’m praying for the people that I don’t know about that he must of been with, that they’ll find the help they need. No one deserves to die this kind of death. Remember the three C’s in recovery: I didn’t cause it I can’t cure it I can’t control it God bless. We’re all here for you. You will heal. You’ll never be over it, but emotionally things will change with time as you process your loss.
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