On December 4th, 2017 I got a call from my dad. The call I'd been apprehensively waiting for the past two years. My brother had passed away. He had overdosed on heroin in his Seattle apartment and hadnt been heard from in two days.
Growing up my brother was my best and often only friend. In high school, he began to abuse alcohol that eventually led to drugs. Pills, meth, and after a while, his best friend, heroin. My brother and I both struggled with anxiety disorders and we both found unhealthy ways of coping with it. It seemed to only make us closer.
After I graduated high school I began to put the pieces of my life together. This began to drive a bigger and bigger wedge between my brother and I as every time he went to jail, tried to steal from my family or myself, or ended up in the ICU due to an overdose or suicide attempt. I told myself that the closer and closer he flirted with death, it was preparing me for the possibility he would never get better.
Eventually, my fears caught up to me as what I had always imagined happend. What was ruled as an accidental heroin overdose, though it left us with the wonder if he had chose this end, my brother's 23 years of life was ended.
I am on this forum because after the funeral and general uproar settled, I've been filled with an intense loneliness sometimes overtaken with anger and guilt. I know I must be going through the stages of grief, but I am tired and scared of where this grief js taking me.
I am angry at my brother for leaving me, when he was the only one in my life to truly understand my mind. I am angry at myself for abandoning him when I moved on and he still felt trapped. I'm angry I can't speak to my family about what he and I went through together because I would seem a willing accomplice.
I feel so guilty I never took the time to make sure he knew I loved him. And even more guilty that sometimes his efforts werent reciprocated my me.
And I feel incredibly alone as my mom speaks of feeling him around her all the time, when all I feel is darkness. I am filled with grief I don't know how to process and my anxiety disorder has hit a peak, making even driving and associating with others difficult.
I cannot bear to feel this conflict of emotions much longer, and I know something has got to give. I know now why it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.