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Everything posted by Jencatlover

  1. @MyMocha how are you feeling now? I am feeling a lot better but it still hits me a lot, I was watching a TV programme and the storyline was someone having life support switched off and that just reminded me of my Bertie. The house is still so quiet too. I was away overnight last night and normally when I come home in the morning there is a string of furry expletives directed at me for my lack of timely feeding. This morning, hardly anything. Charlie was keen for breakfast but the other two were just strolling around not bothered. So different to Bertie who would block the opening of the door and start yelling at me. I just remembered something now, he was so often waiting in the window for me to come home and when they key went in the door he would run to the other side to shout at me for food, regardless of when he was last fed. Just seeing him in the window was so lovely, such a great welcome home. Time will adapt I suppose. Things are getting better but I don't believe the sadness ever leaves you, it just shrinks to more manageable levels.
  2. c I just found this forum and it seems like there are lots of kind people here so I'd like to post about my precious boy Bertie that I lost yesterday. Bertie was a gorgeous big long haired tabby cat and he was pretty exceptional in that between the age of 6 months (for his castration) and last Saturday he never visited the vets once! He's the only cat I've had that I can say that about. Luck of the draw of course but lovely for him. Over 16 years ago I lost my first cat Tango at 6.5 years with liver failure, sudden and she went downhill over a few days. It was such a shock that I felt strongly I needed to get another cat and 2 days later I had Bertie and Minstrel, both still with me until yesterday. When I got home with the 2 kittens I felt terrible, guilty for getting them so fast after losing Tango. But as you probably understand, there's nothing quite like a kitten to brighten your day and of course they were welcomed and settled in fine. Now at that time I had 8 cats and it wasn't until 2007 that I lost my second, Poppy. I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff because each one brings so much joy each day. But the fact was that between 2007 and 2012 I lost a total of 6 cats, one each calendar year albeit at different times of year. I also took in one, Treacle who I have now. Then in 2013 I got my Charlie as a kitten and have him now too. That's a very brief history of my cats but until recent years I had quite a few and didn't really think too much about them all getting old around the same time which of course they did. Losing one a year for 6 years was damn near unbearable but then there was a lovely respite between early 2012 and yesterday. I feel like I struggled with Bertie more than any other but in truth it's probably the same pain each time, just different circumstances. See with Bertie he was greedy and was a terrible thief, nothing would stop him stealing if he could! So greedy. I often wondered if he struggled to get his Mum's milk in his early weeks but he was never small, quite the opposite. I always feel that unless circumstances are out of our control, we have to make 'the decision' ourselves based on what we know. This was where I had the most difficulty with Bert. He has lost weight over the last year or so and had swindled me into giving him wet food in the last few months as I thought he had a problem with his teeth. After years of eating biscuits he started to fuss and after a while I put him on wet food, much to his delight. I say he swindled me because he still happily stole biscuits from the others' bowls! But he ate well and that was the case until the end. On Saturday I took him down to the vet as he had on -off diarrhoea and for a check over. The (extortionate) blood test revealed kidney and thyroid to be normal so the weight loss was a mystery although his heart was racing, faster than expected in the vets and blood pressure high. Teeth also fine. So maybe nothing more than old age (16 and 8 months) but of course further tests could reveal more. The chances of anything found in those tests being treatable were unlikely and he wouldn't have been happy visiting the vets or taking tablets anyway. So after a painful few days agonising I made that decision for him yesterday and he was pts at about midday. But because he was eating perfectly well (usually at the end that's not the case) I can't tell you how many times I went to book him in then thought, no, let's wait and see. But what for? A sign he wasn't feeling well? Because his eating and his personality were the same as always. I've never taken a cat for its last trip to the vets that was eating normally. But I had to look at the bigger picture. There were other things going on. To wait for 'a sign' was essentially waiting for him to feel unwell. So going with my belief that I will never let them suffer (given the chance of course) I decided to take him yesterday. I'm alternating between feeling ok for a little while and feeling hysterically and unutterably devastated. Reading this back it looks as though I'm just telling a story. But for me, losing my beautiful cats is so hard it's physically painful. They are my world and being the one to choose when I say goodbye is such a vile responsibility. I can honestly say I think Bertie may have been fine a while longer. But he may not have been. I know in my heart that the fact he was eating well from day one to the last day is incredible. I know I didn't wait for something that made him upset or distressed and if Bertie stopped eating then I know something was hurting or upsetting him and I couldn't do that. You have to do the right thing and I will always do that but the choice as to when is both a privilege and a damn curse. So I (don't) want to say goodbye to Bertie, my precious greedy boy. My boy who loved to shout at me for food, even when it wasn't meal time. My boy who always jumped off the sofa expecting food when I came home, even if I'd been out ten minutes. My boy who always waited on the kitchen table while I cooked my tea then followed me while I ate and back into the kitchen to clean the bowl. My boy who conned me into giving him wet food when dry was perfectly acceptable. My boy who stole anything he could. My boy who loved his feathers on a stick and carried them around while shouting at the top of his voice for some unknown reason. And my boy who has broken my heart as I won't ever see or cuddle him again. Bertie I love you so so much and I hope you are now with Muffin, your friend. xxxxx
  3. Lost 16 year old cat yesterday and struggling to cope

    Well today it was a week since I lost my lovely Bertie, I do feel a lot better most of the time but some things hit you and the week milestone definitely has. In some ways it feels like yesterday he was here and in others it feels so long ago. This morning I picked up two bowls from the floor and leaned over to pick up Bertie's, just a split second before I stopped. The routines are so ingrained in our everyday lives aren't they? Love you my Bertie & miss you so bloody much xxx
  4. Can't let him go yet

    This thread is just breaking my heart but I'm so happy to see that Jacob is being properly cared for and treated and he's getting the care he needs. He is a little fighter xx
  5. Can't let him go yet

    I feel for you too Ninah-Marie, your fatboy looks a lot like my Charlie... he is here thankfully but I did lose my cat Bertie almost a week ago and that's how I found this forum and lovely people on it.
  6. Can't let him go yet

    Any decent vet should offer an instalment plan for a situation like this. But I think you need to do what's best for your lovely cat, whatever heartbreak it means for you. You have to do the best thing for them however difficult it is for you and we all know on here how hard it is xx
  7. I'm not ready.....

    @KayC you are right, it's a different kind of grief before when you know what has to come, different to afterwards. It's tough because NOTHING will be worse than after as there is no going back but beforehand can rip your heart out just as much with the knowledge. Sarah keep us updated, although little can help, it does make some difference when you are speaking with people who not only have been through the same and can share their experiences, but also people who understand and listen with compassion which is a hard thing to find, even with friends and family. I've felt that people on here have been so supportive and that's what you need but your friend sounds wonderful so lean on her too if you can.
  8. Lost 16 year old cat yesterday and struggling to cope

    Well what got me today was a simple custard tart. I left it on the side for a moment and for a split second thought I can't do that, Bertie will chew it, before I realised. There was at least one occasion where he decided he fancied a bite and took a chunk out of one. The thing is, I still ate it! I cut away the bit he had nibbled and ate the rest. I will never know why he liked to steal weird things, I think it was the action of stealing something he knew wasn't his. Stolen food is so much nicer than your own and such an achievement. But I also remember shouting at him when he did it and feeling terrible. I suppose that's normal. Disciplining a cat is like holding coffee in your hand without a cup, it's never going to happen. Their house, their rules, I hope Bertie has lots of custard tarts to steal now. It's really the little things that hurt the most afterwards. So sad again right now and I was feeling a bit better too.
  9. I'm not ready.....

    Sarah please don't think you haven't done enough for her, I think you have done brilliantly as you said you have had your own struggles too. Ava is gorgeous, such a lovely picture. I think we all think back to things we could have done differently, maybe we could have and maybe not. We do the best we can at the time and animals love us unconditionally, that's a big part of why many of us are closer to our pets than to other people. Pets don't judge us and the bond we have with them is amazing. Knowing the end is close is just heartbreaking and I feel your pain. You have time now to be with her, love her and cuddle her, she looks like she gives great cuddles. I can't say anything that makes things easier, only that we have to do what's best for them in any situation, regardless of how impossible the decision is.
  10. Loss of my cat

    @jane04 we understand how you feel, grief is so personal and can be so overwhelming it's hard to find words that will offer comfort to you. Like Joey and yourself I lost my beautiful cat Bertie a few days ago and am finding it very hard. I don't know about age being a factor in our level of distress, I think it's more to do with the bond we have with them which in my experience, is created very very quickly. We all want more time and I guess it's tougher when we feel they could have had more years. We all want more, it's never enough time even when they are old. I have always had more than one cat so I can't imagine the feeling of not having one at all and my heart goes out to you. Every cat is an individual and is so precious to us. Although little comfort right now, you did the right thing. We have to put their wellbeing above everything else including our own heartache. Please post on here and share with us. I've never done it before and I'm finding talking with people who understand quite comforting. x
  11. Ah it's lovely when they enjoy being held, mine are not great at that unfortunately. I do remember Bertie used to like it for a short while, paws over my shoulder with sharp claws in my skin, holding on tight! God it was painful at times but I loved it so I never moved him until he wanted to move. I have to share something random and I hope it might make you smile. Eating my tea earlier with Charlie next to me on the sofa. Watching TV and heard a HUGE burp from Charlie, almost as loud as a human burp! It was enormous! I think he surprised himself too and looked a bit puzzled...I should probably check around to see what food he's been stealing that made such a noise...never heard anything quite like it! I am getting there thanks, it comes and goes doesn't it?
  12. That's such a lovely picture, I love the way she's grabbing your arm in it. I have read a bit of that link I think I will read more later, kind words are often the hardest to read or hear. How are you feeling now @MyMocha?
  13. @MyMocha I didn't know your gorgeous cat but from the way you speak about her I have to think she knew how much she was loved every second of every single day. Cats are smart, they know when they've got it good. That's how they know how to wrap us around their finger (or is it paw?) with a single look or action. I know who runs my house and it's not me! (((hugs)))
  14. @MyMocha I'm so sorry you feel like this, I'm not sure what to say. I wish I had the right words to help but they are only words when all we want are our fur babies back. We do the best with the information we have and we have to trust that it's right. I'm not sure that I could think about the fact that maybe more could have been done for Bertie or any of my others. Sadly you had more experience than me with vet visits and medication so you have more information about what was going on. I wish I could say something to ease the pain but from my own experience, I don't think I can and we have to grieve in our own ways. At this stage it's virtually impossible to focus on the many, many years you have together, precious wonderful times. Remember that your beautiful Mocha just thought she was going to sleep, she didn't know differently. I try to hold on to those things but it's hard when all thoughts bring such sadness. Memories are just not enough are they? xx
  15. Sadness

    I feel like this and so do lots on here, you are not on your own and there are many of us that feel the same pain and excruciating sadness in our own ways. It has helped me to come on here and share, however I'm feeling at the time. It often seems to be food time that hurts the most? I have mentioned (a lot, I know!) how greedy my gorgeous Bertie was and it's meal times that get me the worst. Seeing the space he ate now empty. No bowl, no begging. Seeing his food packed away in the cupboard no longer needed. Food time is such a basic ritual we all do with our pets, we all have the routine don't we and it often intensifies closer to losing them if we are struggling to get them to eat. The normality of those regular feeding times is what they enjoy and I have to admit I love to watch my cats eat, it makes me so happy. Take your time and keep sharing on here Justin. I didn't think much could help me apart from time but I've found a lot of comfort, understanding & kindness on here and I hope you find that too.
  16. My Callie

    Yesterday I felt better than today, yesterday I had other things I needed to do and I think it distracted me a little. Today not so much and I went shopping and felt awful, like I'd gone backwards. It's all the firsts that get me, the first time I do anything and Bertie's not here. Coming home from shopping and he would insist on sitting between the bags getting in the way and telling me it was his lunchtime (it wasn't) and he was hungry (he wasn't) and I was providing terrible service (hardly!). How are you doing today Joey?
  17. Did my dog visit me?

    I do believe they send us signs sometimes in their own way yes. I said on another thread that I sometimes feel a tiny cold breeze from nowhere and I think it's them. I might hear their voice or think I do and for a split second I may even see them. I definitely dream of them and I really wish I did more. In my dreams I often believe it's a dream but I love to see them again and even though I kind of know it's a dream I still appreciate seeing them as if they were still here and I don't want it to end. I don't think we can explain these things and maybe we shouldn't try, we should just see them as signs that bring us comfort. I completely understand why it's upset you and I hope you are okay. The path is very bumpy and there's no right way to grieve. We can be fine and then something comes from nowhere, they are such a precious part of out lives. Hugs to you ((( )))
  18. My Callie

    Getting there slowly thank you for asking, it's so hard. I'm trying to focus on the 3 cats I have and give them even more attention. I have to go food shopping today and I know I'm going to struggle in the pet food aisle when I buy cat litter because I won't be buying Bertie's meat anymore. Think I'm going to do it fast as I can and come home to my fur babies..
  19. My Callie

    No, not odd at all Joey. My friend recently lost her gorgeous dog Jack and she snipped a lock of his hair and also took a print of his paw. She felt much better once he was 'home' too. Maybe it's like a funeral for a person. Until that time it's not really real. I hope it brings you some comfort.
  20. I do believe they watch over us, either that or their spirit is around us. I don't think it ever leaves. Sometimes I feel a cold breeze just quickly and then it's gone. No reason for it but there might be. I have had cats do unusual things after a friend has gone, sometimes things that the friend used to do but they never have. I even recall one cat shouting to herself in a voice that sounded exactly like the one that had just gone. Very weird. But the bond between pets must be even closer than ours in a different way and they must understand things differently too. I wonder how they feel when their friend has gone. I posted before I think about my cat Minstrel wandering around my living room, looking like he was searching for one that wasn't there, almost getting it clear in his own mind. He's done that every time one has gone but never any other time. I may not have posted that actually, I can't remember. It's just so clear that something is amiss and he knows all about it. Aren't they amazing? Mymocha I hope things are beginning to get easier as time goes on but if not then keep posting, we can all help each other.
  21. Lost 16 year old cat yesterday and struggling to cope

    @KayC and @Maria9 you are both so kind too. I used to have a beautiful bright ginger cat called Rosie and she did actually 'talk' in the way of having a chat with me. You could say hello and she would meow back and this back and forth could go for quite a while. I do wonder what on earth they are saying. Charlie seems to chat more to himself or to announce his arrival. I feel certain that 99% of what Bertie said was food related! The other 1% probably a complaint about the poor service I provided. Feeling a bit better today, I seem to be adjusting very slowly to it just being 4 of us instead of 5. Slowly though. I still get upset seeing the space on the worktop Bertie ate. We love them so much don't we?
  22. Lost 16 year old cat yesterday and struggling to cope

    Thank you both @MyMocha and @AJWCat, yes I've been putting together some of Bertie's pics and movies, I really wish I'd taken more clips now as they are so much better than just looking at the pics and I love the pics. I filmed him a couple of weeks ago eating his food and couldn't bring myself to watch it until last night. It did upset me but also made me smile as he was stuffing his face with his breakfast and was so happy, he never stopped enjoying eating. I didn't have an individual cremation, I don't know what it's called exactly but it's when there are a few of them together then they scatter the ashes in a flower garden. I did have individual cremations for my first two but for me I find looking at the ashes incredibly sad even many years down the line but looking at pictures makes me more happy for their lives. I do understand the comfort from an individual cremation too. Then you can keep them or scatter them somewhere special I was also offered to bring Bertie home to bury him but I have never done that as I would never ever be able to move house again. I don't like any option really but I couldn't do that. Quiet in my house again today but I'm trying to encourage Charlie to talk more, reading that back I sound nuts! Obviously I don't understand what he says but he is getting a bit chatty and I really like that. Perhaps I wouldn't if I could translate it
  23. Lost 16 year old cat yesterday and struggling to cope

    I blocked him @MyMocha so I don't have to look at it again. I found the ignore button quite fast.
  24. Lost 16 year old cat yesterday and struggling to cope

    Ah thank you, @MyMocha got it! And I guess we all feel the pain ourselves and in truth we can give ourselves advice from experience but we never take our own advice do we! Feelings and emotions trump all common sense anyway and the only thing that helps me is the passage of time. Although being here and having kind words from you and others has also helped me so thank you too. Nobody ever feels the way we do about our own pets and really nobody else can understand 100%, because of that it's hard to deal with in everyday life, not being able to talk freely about how you feel, especially when you feel so sad. I like that I can talk about Bertie here and be supported. I think he would be impressed he is 'famous', he would be shouting from the rooftops! This is my special man with his little bro Charlie.
  25. My Callie

    Joey one thing I know from when it's happened before is that I've started to heal faster afterwards when I've kept myself busy rather than when I've been able to dwell on things. Now the truth is I don't want to do anything in the few days after, I just want to hide away and think about my sadness. I think that the reason that 'keeping busy' or working or whatever helps is that we are in an environment that they were never in, so things there haven't changed. There are no constant reminders everywhere you turn. It's home where it feels the worst, I know. I'm certainly not saying that going and doing things helps as it's really the last thing you want to do. Also I think that when you begin to start feeling a bit better that can be when you also feel guilty for not feeling so bad as you did to start with. That's how I feel anyway. Like coming to terms with it is somehow selfish when if course it's not. It;s a tough call and there is NO right or wrong. The best way I have thought about how this goes is this. The initial shock is so devastating that every tiny thing makes me sad for the fact I loved them so much and now they are gone. So the wonderful life you know you gave them makes you so sad as it has ended. As time passes, slowly but surely, the thoughts of them become gradually less sad and become slowly more happy as you can think of them in their wonderful happiness and great life you had together, the thoughts bringing joy rather than misery. It takes time. The reason we suffer so much with their loss is because of the amazing life they had and all the little things they do to bring us joy. I am with you in my grief right now after losing my gorgeous boy Bertie. But what I said is the best way I describe it. Others may see things differently, we are all unique and so are our lovely pets. I'm glad you still have furry company. In my opinion, it's the best kind.