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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Carrots

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    United Kingdom
  • About Me
    Proud parent of 2 tinies. Just trying to make a good life for them and stay afloat the best I can. Doing better some days than others! Lost the man I loved in April last year.
  1. I feel I let my soul mate down

    KayC It is shocking and unfair how many people actively have walked away. Yes, grief is ugly and no one wants to see their friend in pain but I always thought the same. Close friends are family to me. I have been lucky that I still have friends who have really stepped up and been wonderful. A support group would be great. Not something I've looked into yet but I will, thank you. Well done you for setting up something so supportive and rewarding, for others as well as yourself x
  2. How do I carry on now my soulmate is gone

    I am so sorry for this terrible pain you are feeling and what you have gone through. I was thinking about you and your son today. When I first lost my Chris last April, those first few weeks were so exhausting and overwhelming, I remember feeling that the responsibility of also being a parent was just too much on top of it all. I even questioned whether my kids would be better off without me. Which NO, they would not ever be. So I hope no matter what thoughts and feelings you have, you hold onto the fact that your son DOES and WILL need you and he will never be better off without you. It is so so terrible what you have both experienced. In time, I hope for you that your memories of the good times and the love you had will also give you some comfort. Also, for me, that feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to parent did shift to a point where now it is my daughters that keep me going, give me energy, focus and strength. In the very beginning, it did not feel like that! I resented at times having that responsibility! I found some books to support children who have lost a loved one. I ordered these for my girls a while ago and liked them. https://www.amazon.com/Heart-Bottle-Oliver-Jeffers/product-reviews/0399254528 https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/reviews/1869890582/ref=cm_cr_dp_mb_top?ie=UTF8 Sending you love and light. My thoughts are with you.
  3. Beautiful Wild Man of The Woods

    Thank you fellow tiny person! :-) I love that image you describe, of the stamp with the two bears and using that on your invitations. Beautiful.
  4. I feel I let my soul mate down

    Francine, thank you. I am so so sorry for your loss of your beloved Charles. I completely agree with you about LOVE being the greatest gift we can give another. One of my favourite quotes is 'The greatest gift you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return.' Admittedly it's a quote from the film, Moulin Rouge but very true nonetheless!!! You have a great way with words. I completely get what you are describing, that feeling of being in love but with with no one to love. Also that feeling of living but not really feeling alive. It's like a fog with me. It seems to shift with how heavy it is...sometimes I am so detached and numb... other times it lifts so I feel raw and completely exposed. You and Charles sound like a wonderful couple and you clearly had something very rare and beautiful. Sending light and love your way.
  5. I feel I let my soul mate down

    Thank you! One of the benefits to working in mental health is me and my colleagues end up informally counselling each other...so at least I am getting some sort of therapy in that way whilst I am waiting! One of my strengths (and flaws) is that I don't have much of a filter between what I am feeling and what i say... so no danger of repressed or bottled up feelings! Just the danger of me doing my nearest and dearests heads in!!! But still, this site is a real blessing. My closest friends and family are my rocks and reason for carrying on... but I don't want to forever be feeling that I am dumping every negative feeling and thought on them. Because of course they are going to worry but I don't want them to feel burdened or overwhelmed by me. It's a real fear of mine! A close/old friend of mine walked away/turned her back on me shortly after Chris passed away. I was acting mad with grief admittedly (a whole other story). But not malicious or unkind. So it broke my heart to lose her friendship too. More loss. But it has also made me want to treasure and nurture my remaining relationships all the more.
  6. How do I carry on now my soulmate is gone

    Donna Marie, I am so so sorry for your loss of your JJ. It's already been said by others but definately give yourself permission to feel everything. No matter how dark. Suicidal thoughts too. Think it, feel it, share your feelings and do whatever you need to do to keep your head above water. You are not selfish, you are clearly still thinking of your son but your grief is overwhelming you and that is not your fault. I too did not feel I could carry on and it was a dominating thought and feeling that became unbearable and the urge to end it all become too strong. I think this is the same for many here too. I went to my Dr. I talked and got prescribed antidepressants. Which did not stop/prevent me from grieving but did stop me from drowning and better enabled me to talk. I'm not saying this is the right thing for everyone. Just an option for the survival tool box. Keep talking, keep posting. Be kind to yourself. Great advice given about increasing your budget if you can and eating out etc...even though YOU are not selfish...Now is the time to BE selfish and do whatever you can do to make things less hassle for you. My thoughts are with you. *hugs to you*
  7. My man drove me mad. On all levels! He properly got under my skin like no one else. We were real kindred spirits. Both idealistic hippies who valued family and each other over anything else. I had been cynical about true love for a long, long time, until I met Chris. It was the sort of love I thought was just in films and books. But we had IT. And it was unconditional, that love. No matter how angry I got with him or how much we disagreed. We met on a dating website and I was only looking for fun... but he stole my heart. The first time we spoke on the phone we talked for hours and then decided to meet there and then. We decided it would be fun to buy some chips, eat them in a field and write poetry together (hippies)...I drove to him that first time and by the time I reached him there was a massive thunderstorm. So no chips in a field! We had a terrible chinese instead (awful) . Worst ever food. Best ever date. We were both smitten. Pretty much inseperable from that moment on. Chris didn't drive but it didn't stop him getting a train, tram and walking nearly an hour to get to my house. Many many times over. Some of my most treasured memories are that of Chris with my children. He had a very special relationship with both of my daughters and couldn't do enough for them. My youngest considered him her bff and had him wrapped around her little finger. She's a free spirit, absolutely bonkers (in the best way) and they just understood each other perfectly. I have a great video of him being treated by 'Dr Willow' when he had a bad cold. I was giggling in the background as he had man flu and clearly just wanted to go to bed...but he didn't have the heart to say no to playing with her nonetheless! He's there...sat on the floor cuddling his cup of lemsip...being bossed around, poked and prodded by a tiny 4 year old! It's especially endearing as Chris was 6ft 4. I love that video because it captured a very normal, everyday family moment. But is so so special. I am so grateful we had that together. Family. Love. Him. I am 4ft11. One of Chris's less rude/insulting nicknames for me was 'his ginger midget.' I called him My Wild Man of The Woods because that's where he was his happiest. He spent hours walking in woods, guerilla gardening and building dens and 'squirrel nests' with the kids. In his old man cardigans and colourful scarves. (usually ones of mine he had stolen!) I now wear one of his cardigans a lot of the time and I don't care how huge it is on me!
  8. I feel I let my soul mate down

    Lisaislost, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I think that these are irrational thoughts we are having. But it doesn't make it any less painful. I am trying to make sense of why I doubt his love...I think in my case it might be my inner critical voice telling me I am not worthy of love...but manifesting in the fear that he never loved me. Something like that anyway! Counselling sounds a great idea. I hope it goes well for you. Your group also sounds like a fantastic idea. One of the things that has helped me is finding ways to help others. For me at the moment this is mostly through work. I would be interested to hear how the group goes. Good luck! I applied for grief counselling a few months back but still waiting to hear back. There seems to be a long waiting list in my area x
  9. I feel I let my soul mate down

    Thank you so much ModKonnie, Stonesie and KayC for your kind words. Even though I am a mental health nurse, being a carer to my partner really opened my eyes to how difficult it is to cope with when it is someone you love. Knowledge didn't really seem to give me an advantage there! I appreciate you sharing your own experience ModKonnie of your brother's passing and the fight before. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your brother. I also drive my children mad with being so intense about loving them and talking about feelings!!! Stonesie, thank you for your lovely warm words. Very much appreciated to not feel alone and unheard. It is so hard though isn't it? I think I was a bit shocked to discover grieving doesn't come in neat stages that you complete and move on from! Waves and grenades are better descriptions! Some friends have found it hard to witness/be part of. I know it's because they are coming from a good place and want me to be ok...but there is some pressure to 'move on' and 'get over' Chris which I don't think is possible is it? Not just in a morbid, not able to see any positives ahead way..but when someone is a big part of your life...they don't just disappear when they die. I wouldn't really want him to. Hugs to you too. KayC, that really is true about grief being love turned inside out! I found myself getting (and still do) a bit obsessed with quotes and poetry about death and grieving. One of my favourites is 'Grief is just love with no place to go.' I can't remember who it's by though. I will try and remember and hold onto the fact that we did have something very special. But sometimes when I get some of my darkest thoughts, I do have this fear that he never really loved me or that he died thinking I didn't love him. I have nightmares about it. I try to tell myself that is just the grief/depression talking and that depression is a lying bas****. Thank you so so much. This has really helped me to know I have been heard and to have found this forum. Much love x
  10. I lost the man I loved and my soul mate, Chris, 9 months ago. I was hesitant about posting here as we were only together for just under a year...but love is love and loss is loss. Sadly I ended my relationship with my partner after an argument just 3 weeks before he died. He had been acting out of character and I was struggling with his behaviour. He was never malicious but he had mental health difficulties that were also taking their toll on me. Mainly because one of his ways of coping was to disappear/withdraw without contact, sometimes for days on end. Because I loved him so much I found this too painful. (Despite working in mental health and knowing his behaviour was the result of his illness and past traumas ) After a horrible argument, I walked away. This was the last time I saw him or spoke to him in person. In anger. I did speak to him once more on the phone and via messages. I told him I loved him but that I couldn't cope anymore with how things were. I felt I needed to look after my health for my sake and also my children's. I was becoming depressed. After he died, I received some beautiful messages from him that I hadn't seen before because he had sent them via Instagram that I was rarely on. They were beautiful but sad. He told me he adored me. That he understood why I had to walk away. But that he missed me and he wanted me to talk to him again. It broke my heart when I read them. The one thing I am grateful for is that neither of us doubted how deeply we cared for each other. It was the situation not our feelings that was the issue. He died in April last year. I didn't find out the cause of death until 3 months later. He had been staying with his Mum and she was the one who woke up to find he had passed away unexpectedly. We were all terrified it was suicide. It turned out to be pneomonia. I didn't feel reassured by this though. I still felt responsible. The last time I had seen him he had a chest infection and I had got him to his Dr's and on antibiotics...I had worried he might not look after his health and get the right help after I ended the relationship. Because he rarely accepted advice/support from most people! It looks like his chest infection developed into pneumonia and he didn't seek treatment when his symptoms worsened. One of the things that made all of this so much harder was his family's reaction to me. To begin with, we spent a lot of time supporting each other. I felt included and by spending time with his family, felt I still had Chris in my life. It was good to throw myself into tasks and distractions like helping to clear out his flat and plan the funeral. But as time got closer to the funeral, his family turned against me. I was shunned at the funeral and received hate fuelled messages by his brother afterwards. I understand that grief can bring out the worst in people. I know that I didn't deserve it. But it hurt nonetheless. I still got on with Chris's Dad for a while but then he started to make advances towards me. Including at the funeral. Chris had suffered abuse as a child and had always had a difficult relationship with his Dad. I only met his Dad after Chris died. Chris had been reluctant for me to meet him. Our last argument had been on the day I was supposed to meet his Dad. On reflection I think his anxiety that his Dad might be inappropriate with me had fuelled his anxiety ...and was what triggered our argument. Of course I don't know this for sure. On a positive note, I have never been so much in love and despite his difficulties, Chris was part of my family. My children adored him and he them. We were becoming a real family unit. It felt natural and we all fit so well and got each other. We were planning on getting married in the future. He accepted me for all I was and was my best friend. He had a terrible traumatic past but he still had the most beautiful and caring soul. He was the kindest man I have ever known. I wish I had been more understanding of his problems and stood by him. By the way, my username is Carrots because that was one of his names for me! He started calling me it after we watched Zootopia together for the first time. He found it hilarious (the elephant in the room joke nearly broke him...) and the character Carrots reminded him of me! I know I can't change what happened. But I so deeply regret ending the relationship and ending contact. I regretted it before he died. I nearly called him the day before he died to tell him how much I loved and missed him. I even got as far as getting his number up on my screen...but I did not dial it. We always think we have time don't we?! It's a hard lesson I have learnt...to always let the people you love know how much you love them. I think I have been suffocating my friends and family with declarations of my love over the past few months!