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Parker’s Mom

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  • Content count

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About Parker’s Mom

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Colorado
  • Interests
    Family, skiing, hiking, spending time with my dogs, my significant other, my older son, music
  • Loss Type
    My 24 year old son died from a seizure
  • Angel Date
    Dec. 3, 2017
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Colleen, I am so grateful for your response. And I don’t think it ever goes away. I read somewhere that you don’t get past it, a dear friend of mine, who lost one of her sons, said you don’t deal with it, I think instead you learn how to carry it with you. It has been a month as of yesterday. I re-read the journal I wrote (I have been keeping a journal for many years now) the day after he’d past, only I didn’t know it yet, when I’d written it, and I noticed that he was specifically in my prayers that day...and the next. I think it is because we love them so much that we grieve so hard, and 10 years is a milestone, but it doesn’t make the pain go away, nothing will ever do that. I think about Parker every second of every day. Today I am going to try to think about the beauty he inspired in others, the incredible intelligence he had, that joy he felt. That feels better to me than the “what if’s” I’ve been carrying around lately. I wish pray and hope for a good day for you today.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi Dee, Thanks so much for your kind words. It does really help connecting with others who have had this experience. Parker started having seizures when he was 14. He was put on a seizure medication that he reported as making him feel strange. He complained of it often, but the doctor said he needed to take the medication anyway. He was’t Terribly receptive to much of anything (the doctor). Parker had struggles of his own in other ways through his teen years, many of which didn’t help him with the seizure disorder. He eventually got to a place in his life where he was doing well again. It was a rough ride. But through it all, he never did get the relief he needed, and never did quite get the seizures under control. He’d had many over the years. Last year, much against his wishes, I tried really hard to help him by seeing a different neurologist, who had him try other medications. The medications resulted only in serious mood problems, which he’d reported with that first medication. He hated how they made him feel, and struggled emotionally with the side effects. He started trying to treat it himself using CBD (marijuana is legal in Colorado), which helped, probably as much as anything else he had tried. But he refused to go t the neurologist, as he said he totally lost trust in him. He had a seizure just before Thanksgiving, and the emergency room was angry with him for not taking the prescribed medication. He and I even had it out a bit just before Thanksgiving, but then we ended up dropping it, because it didn’t matter. He spent Thanksgiving with my Dad and stepsisters, and my older son (age 26) and I visited my Mom in Washington State for Thanksgiving. It was a really good holiday for all of us. IN the time between then and December 3, he straightened out all of his relationships, got right with me, and was actually really very happy. His last hours on this Earth were spent consoling a homeless man, who’d lost his wife and son recently, as well as having found out he was dying of cancer. Parker was like that, he’d spend time helping people who needed someone, regardless of who they were. If someone needed an ear, Parker was there for you. He was pretty unconventional in many ways except when it came to love, and of that, he had so much to give. I was notified two days later, and it was confirmed that it was in fact a seizure. I know there really wasn’t anything anyone could have done about it, but it is still so hard. Doctors don’t really know much about seizures, and don’t often share how dangerous they can be. Regardless, what I do know is that I gave him the freedom he so badly wanted in his life. I also know that nothing would have stopped this, although I still play the “what if” game in my mind a lot. Parker was a beautiful soul, still is. We have had many dreams, strange experiences and basically contacts from him, letting us know he is safe and loved, and he regrets nothing in his life. IN this way we’ve had many gifts. It’s still just so hard, though.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    I am so grateful to have found this forum, like many of you, the holidays were difficult. Christmas has been a tough time for me anyway, but this year, especially. We lost Parkeker on December 3rd, unexpectedly. One minute he was fine, happy, healthy, and the next, I got the dreaded knock on the door at 3am from the sheriff’s deputy. My oldest son and I are the surviving members of our family, and we also have my significant other, who was not Parker’s father. That’s a complicated story which I’m not up to sharing at this time. But The three of us actually decorated the house for the first time in over 5 years, in Parker’s honor, and that did feel good. But putting those decorations away, the home made ones, the boys had made, the crazy silly ones, and even the broken ones I haven’t been able to part with, all bring back so many memories. I finally got them carefully packed and put away, only to have yet another huge crying session. It seems so impossible that Parker isn’t here, and it feels so wrong, so terrible. We feel like the worst thing that could have possibly happened, has happened, and we can’t even figure out which end is up. It’s like nothing matters. Except that many things do matter, we have each other, and we have a (mostly) loving family who have been incredibly supportive. Now its just getting through each minute that we ca’t seem to figure out.
  4. Lost My 24 Year Old Son, now my Sister is being awful toward me

    This is exactly where I am right now, and it is impossible to stop the w”what if’s,” as if there was something I could have done differently. I will check out the link, and thanks so much for your kindness.
  5. Lost My 24 Year Old Son, now my Sister is being awful toward me

    I really appreciate you both responding. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with, and I keep struggling every day just to find some sense of regularity. Normalcy isn’t the right word, although I wish it were. Both of them apologized to me, I told them exactly how I felt, and totally let go of whatever their response might be. I also got really clear with them about what is and what is not ok for me right now, which is pretty big for me. I was always the people pleaser in the family, the one to try to fix everything. At this point in my life, nothing matters all that much, because I have lost my child. In a way, it’s good, because I needed to stand up for myself, and their response was actually very good. They told me they love me and that I can say anything I want to, to them, about them, etc. What a gift. Now I just wish I could have a break from the pain. I still struggle with Parker being gone, but I also have a strange awareness that who he is, him at his essence, will never die. I miss the zany, funny, loving young man who often drove me totally crazy with his crazy ways of living life. But I also have an incredibly deep respect for him. I am grateful that I got to be his mom. I will always be his mom, and I will always love him. I am just so sad that he is gone. Thanks for touching base, and I plan to write more about him, when I can. He was a dear, loving man, who was a really good friend to so many people. He spent his last hours on this Earth consoling a man who was homeless, had lost both his wife and his son, and was recently told he was dying of cancer. Parker spent his last hours in complete love toward someone else. There is nothing that could have made me feel more proud, more honored to have had him as my son.
  6. I am grateful to have found my way here. I hope others can help, I have run into a surprising thing with my sister and dad. My son, Parker, died a month ago. I am devastated. It was a complete surprise. He died of a seizure. I have been through waves of guilt, anger, frustration, intense sadness, depression, and also in some ways peace. I have begun to accept that no matter what I do, how I feel, what I talk about, or how I deal, the undeniable truth is he is never coming back. This is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I have been through some really tough times. I am a survivor, but this, nothing can prepare you for this. It is too much to handle some times. People who have been through this will know exactly what I am going through. But to make matters worse, my sister is being really awful toward me. As we were getting everything figured out, we tried to set up the Celebration of Life soon as many people were devastated. He had a huge impact on people and was loved by many. So before anything was even set in stone as to when we were going to do this, I contacted my sister, and asked her when she could be here. At that point in time, it was wide open. I knew my sister had a difficult schedule, so I asked her first when she could come for the Celebration of Life. It was complicated, but many people were grieving and needed closure, including me. She told me flat out that it wasn’t convenient for her until after Christmas. I felt crushed, but had so much going on that I couldn’t even attend to it. At first, my dad was supportive of me about that. But just yesterday my sister got really angry with me for saying that I thought her not being there was unforgivable. First, I didn’t say that, and second, and would have had to have come from my dad. I did say I was really disappointed in her not being there. I have also told her that directly. I am grieving for my son, I am feeling like the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen, has happened. And it feels to my like my sister is somehow making this about her. If she really couldn’t have come, which I don’t buy, but let’s say that was true, all she would have had to have said to me was that she is sorry she couldn’t have been there, not that it was inconvenient for her. I told her how that made me feel, but even worse, her saying the awful things she said is like salt in the wound. The bottom line is she wasn’t there for me, and that hurts. I have a huge amount of support from literally everyone else in my life, and have had nothing but kindness and understanding, except for from my sister and my dad. I don’t get it. My sister is definitely a selfish person but this takes the cake. I don’t even feel like I can deal with this. My head is spinning at the loss of my child, and someone in my family has to be so cruel. I won’t go into all the horrible things she said to me, but suffice it to say that it makes it pretty clear that her job, her time, her life, and her in general are more important than anyone else, in her mind. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I do feel really angry that she would choose now to be so awful. I wish I knew what to do, I have already made it abundantly clear that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is behaving selfishly. I told her she needs to apologize to me, but I doubt if that will happen. I wish there was something else I could do to feel better about this whole mess. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation, you are grieving a hug loss and people close to you act like complete jerks. I’ve got to say, I am rally shocked at people’s behavior sometimes.
  7. I am grateful to have found my way here. I hope others can help, I have run into a surprising thing with my sister and dad. My son, Parker, died a month ago. I am devastated. It was a complete surprise. He died of a seizure. I have been through waves of guilt, anger, frustration, intense sadness, depression, and also in some ways peace. I have begun to accept that no matter what I do, how I feel, what I talk about, or how I deal, the undeniable truth is he is never coming back. This is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and I have been through some really tough times. I am a survivor, but this, nothing can prepare you for this. It is too much to handle some times. People who have been through this will know exactly what I am going through. But to make matters worse, my sister is being really awful toward me. As we were getting everything figured out, we tried to set up the Celebration of Life soon as many people were devastated. He had a huge impact on people and was loved by many. So before anything was even set in stone as to when we were going to do this, I contacted my sister, and asked her when she could be here. At that point in time, it was wide open. I knew my sister had a difficult schedule, so I asked her first when she could come for the Celebration of Life. It was complicated, but many people were grieving and needed closure, including me. She told me flat out that it wasn’t convenient for her until after Christmas. I felt crushed, but had so much going on that I couldn’t even attend to it. At first, my dad was supportive of me about that. But just yesterday my sister got really angry with me for saying that I thought her not being there was unforgivable. First, I didn’t say that, and second, and would have had to have come from my dad. I did say I was really disappointed in her not being there. I have also told her that directly. I am grieving for my son, I am feeling like the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen, has happened. And it feels to my like my sister is somehow making this about her. If she really couldn’t have come, which I don’t buy, but let’s say that was true, all she would have had to have said to me was that she is sorry she couldn’t have been there, not that it was inconvenient for her. I told her how that made me feel, but even worse, her saying the awful things she said is like salt in the wound. The bottom line is she wasn’t there for me, and that hurts. I have a huge amount of support from literally everyone else in my life, and have had nothing but kindness and understanding, except for from my sister and my dad. I don’t get it. My sister is definitely a selfish person but this takes the cake. I don’t even feel like I can deal with this. My head is spinning at the loss of my child, and someone in my family has to be so cruel. I won’t go into all the horrible things she said to me, but suffice it to say that it makes it pretty clear that her job, her time, her life, and her in general are more important than anyone else, in her mind. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I do feel really angry that she would choose now to be so awful. I wish I knew what to do, I have already made it abundantly clear that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is behaving selfishly. I told her she needs to apologize to me, but I doubt if that will happen. I wish there was something else I could do to feel better about this whole mess. I wonder if anyone else has had a similar situation, you are grieving a hug loss and people close to you act like complete jerks. I’ve got to say, I am rally shocked at people’s behavior sometimes.
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