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Michelene

Members
  • Content count

    14
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Michelene

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    11/27/17

Converted

  • Occupation
    Teacher
  • Last Name
    Beranek
  • First Name
    Karen
  • Zip
    99684
  1. Lost of my husband best friend

    Dear Lonely spouse, it hasn't even been 2 months since I lost my Eric and I write all the time to him. Sometimes I write an email at work and then print it out on his computer at home and read it aloud to him, then tape it in one of the journals I keep. I talk to him all the time. Sometimes mad, sometimes guilty, sometimes sorrowful, sometimes just sharing what went on in the day. We had huge storms here and they meant nothing, but before they would be good cuddle weather. I am living two narratives--what is happening, and what should be happening if Eric wasn't gone. I miss his laugh, and I imagine him laughing at some of the things that I tell about my day. We used to share our stories of what happened during our day at dinner, but now I just eat whatever I can find and then just sit--I cry on the way to work and on the way home. But mostly I just feel unshared love, so I am sharing that with him, my Eric, in letters and journals and talking.
  2. Grieving my future

    Thank you.
  3. Grieving my future

    It has not even been 2 months for me; I am back at work and back to having that hole in my chest--that feeling of panic and emptiness again. Such sorrow and despair. it still seems like something that needs to be cleared up--a horrible mistake. I can feel tears standing in my eyes, behind my eyes. I tend to not look at people. There are some people that won't even talk to me, like I am a pariah. I feel such incredible guilt for not being able to save my husband, not get him to the doctor, not save him with CPR, I feel like people think, what a horrible person she is. And I feel that, when I have any awareness of myself. I feel like I go through the days like an automaton. Is this the rest of my life?
  4. still trying to turn back time

    One of my counselors told me perhaps I am trying to denigrate the relationship so it doesn't hurt so much that my husband is gone
  5. still trying to turn back time

    Oh, Lisaislost, I did that too--did he love me, did we have a good marriage, and so on and so on. but you know, the strongest feeling i have is the joy i would get just from seeing him, and doing little things for him, and making him laugh. I can't deny that joy...but yes, i did a lot of that, too. And still do. I am keeping a journal of things (good) that I remember. And sometimes I talk out loud to him and tell him what I should have said at certain times, what I meant...what he meant to me. My priest told me I should stop looking back, because my husband has gone on ahead. And then THAT makes me mad, that he left me behind.
  6. I am at work having a panic attack--i keep going back to different times I could have intervened and maybe my husband would be alive today. It makes me panicky--I feel like this has to be done quickly! that I have to hurry and stop him from making the wrong move.... It just makes me so sad that he waited so long to go to the hospital. he didn't tell me he was having symptoms, he just kept it to himself. I keep trying to go back in my head and change it all. I'm not even 2 months out since he passed on, but still feeling panicky, mostly in the morning...but now at work.
  7. Anger

    Thank you, Francine, for this response. It helps a lot. I look for one good thing every day now, and write it on my calendar at the end of the day. Yesterday I had 2.
  8. I have to believe we'll me again

    LadyWalker, I feel the same way. I remember waking up in the empty bed thinking with a strange clarity: I am not going to be able to make it through this. I am back at work, which is awful because we worked in the same building, but also kind of magical thinking, because as I work I am somewhat pretending he is downstairs in his office. I have dual narratives running: what is happening and what SHOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPENING. Counselors have told me take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute. This is contrary to my nature as I like to plan and make sure things are in place. I guess God showed me who's not in charge, eh?
  9. Anger

    I am so angry at my husband right now--for not doing the right things, for not taking care of his health, for ignoring all the things I told him to do. Just angry. Now I am all alone. He always used to push things to the limit, and we'd end up in the emergency room taking care of things he let get out of control. So angry! How could he not know he was having a heart attack when I told him so many times his lifestyle and eating habits were going to make him a heart attack victim! I am so mad and so mad and so mad. I am mad at myself, too, for not "making" him get tested for heart disease, but I thought the doctor WAS doing tests--He was 47 and 50 pounds overweight and came from a family with a history of heart disease. Why wouldn't the doctor test him? I don't get it. Why wouldn't he ask for tests that checked out his heart? I am so mad and so alone now. Today is a mad day for me. Which is different.
  10. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank you for posting this. Yesterday was a day in which I felt nothing--for some reason I didn't have that hollow feeling of fear and loss in my chest. But it came back today with a vengeance. A few weeks after my husband passed away I was sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas drinking coffee and I yelled out, "ANOTHER DAY FILLED WITH GOD'S WONDROUS JOY!!!!!" in a bitter sarcastic way. But why not? why not look for one good thing each day--so I will, and write it on my calendar. Thank you for the idea--
  11. Grief Counselor

    Stonesie, I just googled grief counselors in my area--that being said, many of them had moved, or didn't get back to my email or phone message. I had been just driving around, looking for the offices of grief counselors I had googled. I was screaming and crying in the car. I ended up going to a hospice in our area that saw me right away--a counselor saw me right away. It was free, although at that point I was at I was quite willing to pay or do manual labor or whatever it took. After a few meetings I noticed on their information flyers that they had grief support groups for people who had lost spouses. Those I also found helpful, as it took me out of my own head and heart for a while, and made me realize there are people who understand, who know what I am going through. Please reach out for help. A lot of counselors will list that they deal with grief. I don't know what size town or city you live in, but I'm in a medium size city and there were quite a few in my area.
  12. My husband was 7 years younger than I am, so i thought we would pass roughly at the same time. I'm only 54, he was 47, almost 48. I have had thoughts of suicide, but not suicidal. I know suicide would, according to my beliefs, make it difficult for me to join him. I feel so alone, in this home we'd saved up for and begun "improving" bit by bit. Now it is just a house, not a home. My hands shake at times, some days I can't even leave the house. I had to give cpr to my husband as well, but the emts could not get a pulse or heart beat back. I sometimes wonder if God just said, that's enough and took him because it seemed like difficulty after difficulty after the heart attack. My husband liked doing things for himself, and was having a hard time with me doing lifting and catering to him, a real hard time. I just keep thinking if i had stayed awake all night and watched him i could have caught it earlier, instead of when he woke me up gasping for air. I did not understand loss until this happened. I had no idea. Being in a grief support group has opened my eyes to this world that was invisible to me before, the wrenching loss of a spouse, your beloved, your bright star, and how it leaves you with a life like a vacuum.
  13. Grieving my future

    My husband died from complications from a heart attack so i have sorrow that he was only one year away from retirement (I have 4 more to go). all the plans we made...such sorrow I have for him, although more for me. I have such guilt--I feel like I should have taken better care of him than i did, i keep going back to all the things I should have done, if i had only done this, I can't seem to remember the kindness and love and joy I had in our marriage, I can only seem to remember times I was unkind. My group counselor says that guilt is sometimes easier to bear than loss or sorrow. Maybe. I don't know how people do this. I go out to do errands and such and when people talk to me I am surprised, i feel like I don't exist. I can't foresee a life like this without him. I try to think and be grateful for the gift of life, and the gift of love, and be grateful that he is not going through this pain, but it still seems so so wrong and unfair. I'm still early enough (11/27/17) that i feel like this has been a horrible mistake, and needs to get straightened out. Magical thinking, I know. I miss him so.
  14. The one month mark - losing the love of my life

    I am new here, trying to find forums that are current. My husband of 11 1/2 years suffered a massive heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. (Airlifted--we live in a remote area). I was at a conference in SF but left immediately and met him at the hospital. He had been given a stent for a blocked artery, but had damage to his heart so he remained in the hospital for a few days. He was discharged 4 days later and 3 hours afterwards had to be readmitted due to fainting from dehydration. He overnighted again in the hospital and they adjusted his medication. He was/is 47 almost 48. So he was discharged again, and we were strict about the walking routine, breathing, correct diet, meds, etc. We were waiting around for his stress test monday. Monday morning I bolted awake at 5:48 am because he was gasping for air. I called 911 immediately but his heart stopped. I dragged him onto the floor and began cpr but it was not good--the emts never got a pulse back although they worked on him for an hour. I was all alone in a strange city. I have a horror of myself because I could not save him. I keep thinking what if we had done this, what if I had done that, why didn't i do this? I keep remembering the whole scenario. I miss him so much--we had so much we wanted to do together and talk about. If this is a test from god, why did he test me when he knew I would fail? Counselors tell me I am trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense, that I am trying to find some control and I can see that but it still hurts and i feel pithed--like something vital has been ripped out of my being-- and empty and scared all the time.
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