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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Stacey28

Members
  • Content count

    6
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About Stacey28

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Toronto
  • Loss Type
    Dog (Best Friend)
  • Angel Date
    December 25, 2017
  1. RIP My Sweet Girl

    Aww, I can feel how much you two still miss your fur babies. We were so lucky to have such loving and amazing pets. Part of me has been hoping that the autopsy will show some serious defect in her spine so that I can absolve myself of this nagging guilt but even if it doesn't, I already feel that I am making strides towards coming to terms with it. I was changing the sheets on my bed earlier and my cat Smokey was being a bit of a ham sitting in the middle of the bed acting like he was in charge, as only cats do. I couldn't help but laugh and it felt so good. I've kind of been neglecting him the past week being wrapped up in Haley and then my own sorrow, so I took a few minutes to cuddle him and thank him for being a part of my life. Kitty purrs have healing powers too.
  2. RIP My Sweet Girl

    I thought I heard her tail thumping on the bed this morning but when I opened my eyes, I was in an empty room. As hard as it is, I thought I was adjusting to her absence but now it appears that my mind wants to play tricks on me. I didn't break down or anything but the ache in my chest has intensified. God, I loved that sound. Dogs say so much with their tails. When I came home from work her little tail (her whole back end really!) would be going back and forth a mile a minute banging off doors, walls and tables. I smile just thinking of it! I used to tell my son that she wagged so hard because she couldn't contain all that love and it had to come out somehow or she'd burst into a million pieces. What a silly girl she was! A friend of mine asked me what would I have wanted Haley to do if the situation were reversed. Looking at it that way really helped to give me some perspective. Without a doubt, I would want her to put me out of my misery if she had the power to do so. I still have a long way to go but it is an important step towards forgiving myself and accepting the choice I made.
  3. RIP My Sweet Girl

    I looked at the calendar today and thought "has it only been 3 days?!". It feels much longer. Then again, everything feels a little off-kilter. The tears keep coming but they are quieter now. Thankfully, the shock is starting to ease and I'm finally starting to eat proper meals again so that's progress. I spoke to her regular vet today and we went over her medical records. She assured me that I did everything I could have in the circumstances. I asked for an autopsy to be done by the university and the vet agreed to go through it with me when I receive it. I think it will help a lot to know exactly what happened from a medical stand point. I've been trying to distract myself with nonsense too but I don't have the attention span for much. I've actually been spending a lot of time reading these forums and while it is sad to see so many people grieving over their pets, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one to have struggled with this.
  4. RIP My Sweet Girl

    Thank you @KayC and @AJWCat for your kind words. It really does help to talk (and cry) it out. That is my favorite pic of her. There would be times when I was driving along and I'd look over to find her just staring at me like that with that goofy grin on her face. I knew she loved me just as fiercely as I loved her. That's what makes dogs so amazing, they don't hold anything back. She taught me so much. In the end, I am a better person for having had her in my life no matter what the outcome was. If I laid down on my back on the grass, she would come and lie down right beside me on her back too and we'd stare up into the sky together. The first time she did it it I laughed and laughed but it was such a sweet and tender moment. I think I will cherish those memories the most. The hardest part is that it the whole ordeal seems to be running on an endless loop in my head from start to finish. I guess it's part of trying to process it and deal with it but no matter how many times I relive it in my head, the ending is still the same and another wave of grief washes over me. I've been reaching out to family and friends who are dog lovers and owners and the links you provided were a source of comfort too. I'm not a stranger to loss but this one has brought me to my knees.
  5. RIP My Sweet Girl

    Thanks @AJWCat I am definitely still in shock. I can't believe how quickly her condition deteriorated. Slipped in the snow one day and gone 2 days later?! I can't wrap my head around it and I miss her so much. She was my comfort through tough times and now she isn't here anymore. We spent so much time together, just the two of us taking road trips, camping and hiking. Staying in cheap motels and sleeping in the car or under the stars. She loved to be out on the trails and would run circles around me. We had our own language and I could direct her by just pointing my finger. The thought of taking a long drive without her leaning against me is too much. She made me laugh every day and brought so much joy to my life. I know I gave her a good life but what she gave in return was immeasurable. We were a team, a force to be reckoned with. She had the heart of a lion, she was my hero. She must have been hiding her pain until it overwhelmed her and even in that state, she would try to jump up ready to go when I picked up my coat. She may have been a good candidate for rehabilitation but now I'll never know. I guess what it all comes down to is that I just can't believe she's gone. I've owned animals all my life and I've been grieving the anticipated loss since day one but I also thought I'd get to see her live into old age and she'd give me a sign when the time came. This was a cruel twist of fate. There is a huge hole in my life now that only she can fill.
  6. RIP My Sweet Girl

    I'm really having a hard time coping with the loss of my dog, Haley. She passed away on Christmas day. She was 8 years old, I had her since she was a puppy. She came into my life at a time when I needed something solid to lean on. She fixed parts of me I didn't even know were broken. On Saturday we went to the park to play ball as usual, it had snowed the night before and I noticed a couple of times that she slipped and her back legs went out from underneath her. This has happened before she wasn't limping or showing any signs of distress so I thought nothing of it. Later in the day we were getting into the car and she wasn't able to jump into the back seat. This is a dog who loves to jump so I knew something was up but she appeared fine in all other aspects. Later on that night, she refused to walk down stairs. The next day, she was having difficulties walking and was leaning over to one side when standing still. I took her to an emergency clinic where she had been before but they were too busy and sent us to another clinic. The vet initially thought it was an abdominal obstruction because of the way she was standing with a hunched back. He took x-rays but couldn't see anything in her stomach. He then looked at the spine and said that maybe he saw something but he couldn't be sure. He then said that maybe there was a hairline fracture on her pelvis. He did suggest various tests and to keep her overnight for observation but since this was an after hours clinic, the prices were severely inflated. It was Sunday and my regular vet's office was open on Wednesday so I figured I could consult with her when she opened. He gave me some pain meds to keep her comfortable and we went home. He said he couldn't give her an anti-inflammatory without doing a blood test that cost about $300. The next day, she was completely paralyzed from the waist down. I rushed her to the clinic that had turned us away the day before. The vet immediately took us in and explained that she had a herniated disc in her spinal column and that the nerves surrounding it were quickly dying. We rushed her to a university vet clinic in another city for surgery. The vet gave her a thorough examination and informed me that she only had a 50% chance of ever walking again with a long recovery period being confined to a cage. He indicated that because of her age, we might have a few more years with her but she would probably develop other issues during that time. He also said that the surgery could even make things worse for her. She was a busy, active dog who loved to run and it just wouldn't have been fair to do that to her. Had the odds been 75% or higher I would have definitely gone for it, but her mental and emotional health had to come first. She was suffering so I made the decision to euthanize her. The guilt and anger are almost overwhelming at times. I'm mad that the clinic turned me away and I'm mad that the 2nd vet wasn't experienced enough to tell me what was going on and seemed more interested in how much money he could get out of me than he was my dog's well being. I know that paralyzed dogs can go on to lead happy lives but the rehabilitation it would have taken to get her there would have been intense and costly. She would have needed 24 hour care for months. Part of me feels selfish that I didn't at least try for her but I also feel that it would have been selfish to prolong her pain and possibly make it worse. She was my best friend, I miss her so much. It feels like she just slipped through my hands.
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