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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Cody Lee

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About Cody Lee

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  1. I have been reading other people's words listening to them whie they scream out their thoughts, while trying to understand their emotions and fears for several months now, but this will be my first time writing about mine. I didn't know these forums existed. I found them on accident. How I found them and why is what I would Iike to say outloud today. My family was completely jacked up, and broken my whole life. They are out there. I may have seen family only once or just through the years of my childhood but I don't know them now or where they have moved or gone to. But what I did have was AMAZING! I grew up with three of the most amazing people I could ever ask for. My Grandma, my Paps, and my Mom. I was raised by my Grandparents as though I was their own. My Grandma couldn't have children so my mom and uncle (which were biological siblings) were adopted by my grandparents. So when I was born my mamaw had something in her life she had never had before, a little baby. She fell in love with me that very moment. I was hers and she mine. She held me first and never let go. My mom was 24 at the time but was a fucked up lost little girl. Her childhood prior to grandma ND grandpa was something out of a horror film. He biological mom caught on fire one time on purpose and then left for three weeks. They eventually just left them alone at ages 4 and 7. My mom was drunk and did drugs but mainly an acoholic. After 2 years of living at home again she moved out and I stayed. Fine with me is what I said at that time. I lived an amazing life growing up. I had everything I ever wanted. I was spoiled. My mother was in my life but the older I got the less I wanted to see her. I never hated her, I just didn't need her. Everyone's life changed all at once when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer in 1997. It was bad too. We fought it everyday, we fought as though it was ripping our souls out. Grandma was the glue that held everything together. It was all a dream to me. She went to surgery to get a 35lb tumor removed from her uterus and the odds of her coming out alive was less than 25 percent. It lasted 6 hours. My grandpa is amazing. I have only seen him cry 2 times in his life that was the very first time the second was when she died. It was real too. He knew the longer she was in surgery the better the chance he would get to see her again. I was 20 years old and at that very moment I got to a man completely in love with a woman. I am so grateful for that moment. She survived it. When she came out of surgery she could have reached and wanted anyone but as I buried my head in the spare hospital bed crying uncontrollably she speaks out " I hear my Cody where is my Cody"? That moment will live with me forever. She told me 3 years later when the cancer came back stronger, I was her favorite person in the whole world. She was my soulmate and I was hers. She passed away on September 13, 2000. I spent the next 8 years of my life in a dark drunk drugged out world. I didn't give a **** about anything. That changed everyone's life. My mother left her jackass husband that beat her. I started to see her become strong. Our relationship is now just starting after 23 years. My mother took care of my paps his last 7 years of his life like champion. I am so proud of her. She was sober, she was momma and I still had my paps. Still to this day I think it's BS that he is not right here with me. He was the strongest man I have ever known. He was such an amazing man. He chose to not only adopt my mother and uncle and raise them but he also chose to do it all again for me. I love him so much. I am so grateful for him and all did for me. To this day he is still doing things for me because of the way he raised me. He died on July 1, 2010. He had just about anything and everything wrong with him. I was so angry with him when he died. I was screaming at him to wake the **** up. I was so mad for so long. That's all he had to do was wake up and it would have been ok. I still don't believe it. He was my best friend and miss him everyday. I can't talk about this one. Wow! Holy **** Wow. There has been many things in my life that has influenced me or changed my thought process but when my mother died, everything I was, everything I ever knew, all went away like it really wasn't ever there. She had liver disease from drinking. Her liver wouldn't function properly so it started shutting down her kidneys and was putting her at high risk of heart failure. I saw my Mother, SHE WAS MY MOTHER, DETERIORATE into nothing. I spent every moment I wasn't at work right there by her side and most days I just stayed there. God damn it. It was horrible. It was so bad. It was the worst time in my entire life and I hope I never have anything to ever compare it to. On August 15th 2017 I had to make a decision to take her off of life support and have hospice take care of her going forward. She died in her home 4 days later on August 19, 2017. I didn't know what was to come after that, but now I do. Mom told Louie, my EX stepfather the asshole that chose to stay home and smoke weed while on FMLA instead of being with his wife while I was paying their mortgage cause he wouldn't work, to make sure I was OK. She was worried this would put me over the deep end Worse than when grandma died. I didn't think that would be possible. Boy was wrong. I am alone. I have no one that loves me unconditionally anymore. I don't have an emergency contact I can write down. There is no one I can have a 2 way conversation with about a childhood memory that may have crossed my mind or something funny that happened at a Christmas dinner, or the smell of the lilac trees that grew under our kitchen windows. After about 3 or 4 months ago i started thinking that I am going to die too soon. I am going hurt myself, just that I am going to die soon too. My life will never be the same. My soul the energy that became me was ripped out of my body leaving me lifeless. To be honest with you I really dont give a **** if I do die. It really doesn't matter to me one bit. I am definitely not scared of it. Started reading these blogs because these feelings that I am having of me dying soon made me think I was going crazy. I needed to hear and see and find out if other people in my situation have the same type of thoughts and feelings. And out of the 200 blogs I read all 200 of them feel said the same thing that I think. That is not coincidence. Losing your entire family is catastrophic, who knows what'll happen tomorrow or the next day and you most certainly are never going to get over it. People that I can't stand are the ones that think they can actually say something to you, like they know what you're going through. Let's just get it straight you have no fucking idea what goes on in my mind and how I feel. You sure as hell are in no position to try to give me advice or say **** like it's all going to get ok, you will see. You have to stop thinking about things, try and put your mind on something else. The say **** like would your mother like you doing what you are right now? Dumb fucking question. My mother would tell me to do whatever the **** it is that I need to do and tell the to mind their own business. You have no idea so why don't you save us both the fucking time and just sit back and smile and get the **** out of my way. It's my life and I know that more than ever now, its a life I have to live now being alone. All I can do now is sit and keep waiting to die.
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