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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

cuzzy

Members
  • Content count

    8
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About cuzzy

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    los angeles
  • Loss Type
    momma
  • Angel Date
    august 23, 2017

Converted

  • Occupation
    RBT
  • First Name
    nicole
  1. dreams?

    Thank you for that. I really appreciate it!
  2. Okay so I'm not sure if anyone n here knows anything about dreams but if you do please help! So i lost my mother in late august 2017. During that same time i had been trying to figure out if me and my off and on boyfriend of 4.5 years were going to stay together after his first time cheating. Since then we broke up. Hes started dating right away and well i have been dealing with grieving and a new career choice. One my mom would be so proud of by the way! lol But anyways! So we broke up. It bugged for a bit but i was busy trying to figure this whole adult thing without help from my mother. During that time i had decided to really tell myself that if i'm not pregnant or have a baby by the age of 25 i wont have any at all. A goal of mine for years but never been so hard about it before. Even joked with my ex saying if i'm single by 25 with no baby hes gotta cough up the sperm! lol But the past couple of nights my mom appears in my dreams. and i want to say the past 3 or 4 nights i reveal i'm pregnant. Each on with me panicking. Which is a way i never thought i'd be when finding out i'm pregnant. But in the dream my mom is there and she is calm and tells me that its okay. And how happy she is is all over her face. That's another thing! I can see her face in my dreams! But only hers. I'm unsure if this has to do with the fact that me and my ex still sleep together randomly or if it has to do with the fact that everyone around me has been announcing their pregnant or they just had a baby. Or if its the fact i now say i'm probably never going to have kids. Which for me is crazy. Crazy because during the breakup my ex spilt he was going to buy me a ring. and i spilt once settled in our new home (which was going to be in January) i was going to ask if we could start trying for a baby.Both of us reacting shocked and upset at each others plans for the future that now wont happen. But yes someone please help me out here. I'm so confused with it. I want to know what my mom could possibly trying to tell me.
  3. oh momma

    thank you! hugs to you as well!
  4. So today and well most days I thought of my mom. As the time passes it feels like its been forever since i have gotten to talk to her in person and laugh and hug her. Feb 23rd will be her 6 months gone and though it feels short it is hard to say i have lived life half of a year without her physically with me. As i sat here this morning listening to music with my sister and niece on the tv i thought "mom if you truly are with me you will play supermarket flowers" (the song i heard some time last year while my mother was in the hospital with yet another infection. A song in which i told her made me sob and think of what it would be like if she passed). And i was really testing it because the song my sister dedicates to her friend who had been in a car crash a couple years back had played and every ed sheeren or how ever you spell it had already played. (ed is my nieces favorite right now). And sure enough as i held on to my niece wrapped up in her bath towel and finished the lyrics of that song my sister dedicated to her friend THE SONG came on! And so the tears rolled down my face and the shock of disbelief ran through my body. I had started to give up on the whole she will be with me forever thing. But today she proved me wrong. So even though i had a hard time at work and beyond stressful it was a good day for once. Cause well my momma was with me...
  5. thank you both. saturday i was a mess. sunday i was semi okay. and today wasn't too bad. it's literally a day to day thing. talking face to face isn't something i can do yet. cause well i will just sob lol but what i have found that helps is writing to my mom on her facebook page. i made it a memorial after she passed and so i use it as if i'm talking to her.
  6. Thank you so much! I haven't been feeling the greatest still and I have been finding myself to be having extreme anxiety every morning. I'm unsure of what it is. Maybe because its new and I'm still learning. My supervisor and senior co-workers have been giving me a lot of hope for this company and they have been telling me what a wonderful job I'm doing but I don't know I myself personally don't feel it. And now I'm adding on more hours with another client so I hope the anxiety will stop. I was going to talk to my doctor about it today but my dumb self got the time mixed up and totally missed my damn appointment. And my next won't be till February. Lucky me....
  7. I want to take the time to thank you both very much. Reading your kind words have hit hard on my heart. It's 3 days away from her 5th month gone and things are still hard. This week was extremely hard as I went back to work. Just knowing that I can't hear her tell me I'm doing such a great job or to relax I'll get the hang of it has been the hardest I think. Or even coming home or calling her to tell her how my day was. I've been crying daily which it's been awhile since its been this bad but I know with time hopefully I'll get through this. My mom has been popping up a lot in my Facebook memories and though it makes me smile to see her face it also brings me sadness and tears. I'm feeling lost and tired and overwhelmed lately and I really hate it. Not to mention I've been so damn sick. You know the sickness that just makes you want your mom. I started with the cold and flu together for 2.5 weeks. Then the congestion and mucus for 1.5 weeks. Then i got a bacterial infection that made my right gland swell to the size of a gulf ball and my tongue swell and crack. Took antibiotics for a week. That made my lips swell so much they cracked. ha ha ha 5 days into the antibiotics I got a cold again. And you wouldn't believe me when I say 4 days after the antibiotic was finished I got hives!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that was on my second day of shadowing for work so I had to call out! I was so upset! Life is still such a roller coaster. I thought after my mom passed life was going to be different for the better. So far it doesn't feel that way. So I'll just sit here and wait for it impatiently...
  8. I lost my mom August 23, 2017. I took care of her off and on the past 5 years, but constantly the past 2.5 years. She has no other children and she wasn't married. So I was on my own. With her being the youngest of 6 you would think I would of had some help but I didn't. And now that shes gone I don't really have them either. In fact I pretty much have lost all of my moms family except 2 aunts and 2 cousins along with their children. I do have my dad and step mom who I call mom from time to time as shes been my step mom since I was 3. And I also have my siblings which I myself am 1 of 6, but unfortunately... No one has been able to relate to my situation which has made it extremely hard to vent and be heard. My dad has both his parents though they are complete assholes who don't give a **** about us they are still alive. My step mom has lost all her parents so I could talk to her and I have a little bit but its just not enough. I'm lost. Its about to be 4 months and I feel like I should be back to normal already. At this rate I feel like I never will be. I feel broken and empty and with the holidays I've been an emotional wreck. And did I mention I hate crying. Everyone tells me its good to cry and its not bad, but to me it makes me feel weak. Like I cant handle myself. But they don't get it... Its about to be 4 months and I've gone through so much without my Momma and yet I still feel lost. I've had my 23rd birthday, Thanksgiving, celebration of her life, a breakup, drunken nights, and my first big cold/flu. And I can't forget... I got offered a job.... a job she always wanted for me. I took it. And when I finished my online course for it and was officially apart of the company she is the first one I wanted to call and cry happy tears with. And I couldn't. And that was so hard for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I got a referral to go see a counselor but I haven't gone cause i'm scared but also cause I can't afford my copay at the moment. I just don't know what to do...
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