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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Whammy2

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About Whammy2

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    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Australia
  • Loss Type
    Mother

Recent Profile Visitors

51 profile views
  1. Thank you for your response. I replied to her yesterday and told her, and I just said I needed some space. There is so much more to losing someone than you'd expect. It sucks Thank you again x
  2. Thank you so much for your reply. That's exactly how I felt.. firstly when I found out my mum was terminal and then again when she passed away... How does the world keep going? Even now, it's been almost a month, I still have moments where I can't believe my mum is gone - while everything else just goes on... I see others at the shops.. at the movies.. my mum should be here too. Why didn't everything else stop too? I'm sorry about your friend.. maybe times like these show who really is there for you. I messaged my friend yesterday actually, telling her what happened and I just told her I needed space. I have another friend too, who doesn't know, and she wants to hang out but I haven't replied, and she kept messaging me.. but I just can't reply to her either. And people just don't get it. Perhaps something i find really hard too, like you said, is that people just don't understand, and they just can't.. Even adults, much older and more experienced than me, don't know what I'm experiencing .. and that is such a weird thing to comprehend. None of it's easy to comprehend really. These forums really do help a lot. Thank you again for your reply x
  3. I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing. She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say. I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too? If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
  4. I've had this friend who has been messaging me since she got back from overseas but I just can't bring myself to reply because either I respond to her as though everything is fine, or I say to her 'hey! my mum passed away three weeks ago! life is utter ****!', and so it's just easier to ignore her and say nothing. She messaged me again today and apologised for if she had done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just bitter, but why do people always think it is about them? Could she not have thought to herself like, hey, I hope jess is okay..? I don't know. She probably thinks I'm ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder but I just don't know what to say. I feel like there should be some sign above my head telling the world I am motherless, because how can such a tragedy in my life not turn the rest of the world upside down too? If anyone can give me some advice that would be appreciated.
  5. Missing my mother

    Hey, you replied to my own thread a few days ago... I am so so sorry. We both lost our beautiful mothers on the same day, so it's coming up to three weeks now. I can't even comprehend that. And sometimes I think about what it'll be like in a year, two years.. five. And I hate it. I hate that time will take me further and further away from my mum. In all things I've experienced in life, and even schooling, having my mum just be gone is the biggest thing my brain simply cannot comprehend. I agree with you too, and it's a sucky lesson to learn so early on in life. The world is so unfair. I find forums like this one are great.. they don't take away the suffering, but they definitely help me feel less lonely. It really helps me to write my thoughts down, so I would suggest that too - both on forums and in a diary maybe. Please feel free to message me and rant at me.. xx
  6. Just over two weeks ago my mum passed away from cancer at the age of 48. She was diagnosed in 2015 and that news destroyed her and she suffered depression for a long time after that. Just this last year, she had an operation in July which we all thought would save her. She spent over two months in hospital and she'd completely lost the ability to use her legs. Eventually, she'd had enough and came home. She wasn't home for very long before my dad had to rush her to emergency in the early hours of one morning after she'd spent the whole night throwing up. The doctors had to run tests, and seemed to think it was some sort of issue involving the bowel. It was supposed to be fixable. We later found out the cancer had returned and she would not be curable. In her last days she became completely unresponsive and that is what destroyed me. It felt like I'd already lost her, and I think at that point I'd already started grieving. On the 20th of December she passed away. My dad, my brother and I had just arrived at the hospital when we got the call and we went up to see her. She was just lying there, her eyes half open, cold. But she wasn't there. That wasn't my mum. Where the **** did she go? I've struggled with that a lot. I can't even comprehend how she can just be gone. How can someone be gone? I hate cancer. I'm starting uni this year and my mum should be here with me. She should've still been here with all of us. We all seem so lonely without her. So broken. And there are some things that I just so desperately want to tell my mum... Tell her about a film she'd love.. tell her about something silly I did today that we'd both laugh at... I just want to have her here with us, go to a cafe with her, be like the other daughters and mothers at the shops together. I am so jealous of them. My mum lost her own mum when she too was very young, and her mum died at the age of 49. She lost her mum, and then she too got handed the death sentence. How is that fair? If there is one thing I know about this world that I barely understand, it's that it is damn cruel. I just miss my mum so much. I'm 18, and to go the rest of my life without her now seems daunting. And my poor dad.. and brother.. it's so lonely. I want nothing more than for her to be back with us, and I just want to tell her how much I love her and I can't even do that. And it's not just her that is gone. It's all her hopes and dreams, all her unique quirks. All her silly unrelated emojis she would text me that now I miss so much. Just all gone. I have no religious beliefs but I do hope I will see her again, because I simply can't comprehend just not ever seeing her again. And this life seems so so pointless, do we all just live to die? I miss her so so much.
  7. I am so sorry. I lost my own mum just over two weeks ago now to cancer she battled for 3 years. I also can't comprehend that I will just never see her again and I'm not sure what my beliefs are but I so desperately hope that one day I will see her.. because I simply can't imagine just not seeing her again??! My mum was just 48 when she passed away and she lost her own mum when she too was very young, and who died at the age of 49. This world is unfair. It just doesn't seem to work on any sort of justice system at all. A lot of the time I just wonder what the point of all this is. I am so sorry for both you and your mum. If you can, go out for walks; read a book - reading definitely helps me, it's a good escape; write your thoughts down.. take each day as it comes x
  8. I am so so sorry x You replied to one of my comments somewhere a week or so ago.. I wish we could go out for coffee or see a movie and be lonely together.. do you have any good friends you could maybe catch up with? It does do good just to hang out with someone for a bit and just talk about other things.. a distraction I guess.. I totally get you though. Everything does end up feeling pointless.. I spent New Years with two friends and the next morning one had to go off to lunch with her family and I had this weird feeling that I should also be going home, and I should be telling my mum how the night was and she would then decide we are going out and we'd go to her favourite antique stores and look around and just all be together as family and everything would just be normal. A lot of the time it seems like its in some other universe that all of this has happened. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, there really isn't anything that can justify any of this rubbish that happens in the world because it really is just plain unfair. To lose both of your parents I really cannot imagine. THis world is sh*t.
  9. My first birthday without my mom

    My mum passed away yesterday. ****. She had cancer and the last few days were so hard because she became totally unresponsive and that was when it really hit me. I still don't think I can quite process that she is gone. Where did she go? How can someone just stop existing? What's the point of all of this? I'm 18, and she was 48. I had at least another 40 years with her. Life seems awfully long to be spent without her now. I so wish I could tell her how much I love her, and I just want to hold onto her and never let go. She should be here with us now. I'm just hoping one day there is a world after this one and I can finally see her again. I'm sorry any of us have to go through this.
  10. Some of the things you've put down here have been exactly what I'm feeling and my mum isn't even gone yet. If you ever come online and read this, please send me a message, it would be so good to talk!! Three years ago, my own mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer when I was 15, and since then it's been a battle both mentally and physically for her. Again like you, in my nativity while there were times I thought she would die, - it was still completely incomprehensible. I knew it would be a tough time ahead, but she would pull through. We all would, I thought. While there was hell in the first two years, this year has by far been the most terrible. Mum went in to hospital for an eight hour long operation in July and subsequently spent over two months in hospital. She couldn't even move her legs any more due to nerve damage.. but I thought the op would cure her. We all thought so, I think. Eventually mum came home early because she had had enough, but no more than three weeks later my dad admitted her again via emergency after she'd had a bad night - up and vomiting the whole night. The doctors took a while to figure out the problem, and they thought she had a problem with her bowel.. They didn't seem to be achieving much though. Mum ended up having to miss my school formal and my valedictory - she was so distraught. She told me how much she had wanted to be there for me on my formal night, and I told her I knew, but to myself I thought 'but mum, there is so much ahead to look forward to, one night of mine is meagre.' She was supposed to get better. I knew the recovery would be bumpy, but she would get better, wouldn't she? The day my dad picked me up from 'schoolies' (a celebration week for grade 12 graduates) in late November, after dropping my friend off, he told me that mum's cancer had come back. The doctors had told the two of them the night before, after doing some more scans. My world exploded. We went straight to the hospital to see her, and the whole time the palliative care woman was talking to us, I kept blanking and thinking, 'is this really my life?', 'how is this actually happening?' It's so difficult to put into words what it's been like. My brother, only two years younger than me, 16, arrived back from a 2 month exchange in Germany and we had to tell him. Thinking back on the last few weeks, all I see is a blur. Pretty much every day has been spent at the hospital. Something I've sadly gotten very used to this year. I've watched too much TV, and now that school is over, I'm hardly seeing any of my friends. I don't even want to. Up until a few days ago, my mum was still managing to talk, although she would get very tired and need to rest. These last few days, though, have been so so difficult. Since visiting her on Saturday, she hasn't even been responsive. She just lies there in bed, eyes half-open, twitching, barely hanging on to life. Even though it was all too real when dad broke the awful news to me, these last few days have destroyed me. Seeing her lying there, so fragile, has destroyed me. My eyes keep welling up with tears, and I feel hollow and empty inside. If there is a god, I hate him. And I just don't understand it. Why do some people have to suffer SO damn much? She lost her own mum when she was very young, now why does she have to go through this? I can't even put into words how jealous I am when I see other girls out with their mums. That should be me and my mum, but my mum is in hospital dying. Why is she the one who has been given a life sentence? And I think especially as it's the festive season (it's really not very merry if you ask me), I keep thinking of what my mum and I should be doing. Baking together, Christmas shopping, she should simply be here with us. I feel like we are broken, my dad, my brother and I. It's always been the four of us. How can we suddenly diminish to 3? In an alternate reality, maybe things are different and we are unbroken, and everyone is happy. It's so horrible right now, and I feel so so lonely, and she isn't even gone yet. I don't even know how much longer she will last. I just wish I could wake up and this could all have been some terrible nightmare. Or why can't my mum miraculously sit up suddenly, and everything can be fine again? I don't know how I will keep going on. I don't want to go on without her. No one understands either. I hate when people ask 'how are you,' because most of the time my response is a lie. I hate when people say 'call me if you need anything'. It's such an empty offer, both parties know that. I would call if you could save my mum, but what on earth else would I call for? Nothing can fix this. Why is the world so cruel? ANd it's just weird too, because elsewhere life just goes on. And I do things too which make my mum dying seem like something that is happening in another universe. Where I work (swim coaching), I also swim, and my friends there and fellow swimmers don't even know that my world is being turned upside down. Today, my coach picked me up as usual and she is the most wonderful person, and one I've actually opened up to about what's going on and she is always asking how I am and how my mum is doing, and she just understands. After swimming today, she got us and all the parents to gather around in a circle and she bought out two cakes. One for me, celebrating my grade 12 results and one for another guy in my grade. I didn't even know what to feel, I felt so much and also not much at all. And while she was talking, I couldn't help but think how I haven't even been able to tell my mum my results. She hasn't even be able to celebrate with me. And there we were with all these other kids, and their parents, and my mum is barely hanging on to life. I talked to one of the mother's there today, and when I left she said 'merry christmas to your family.' She has no idea. None of them do. I'm just rambling here, everything is so confusing. Please, if you do read this, send me a message. It would be so good to talk to someone who understands. I think this world is just so unfair, but I hope you are coping.
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