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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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PaulaM

Members
  • Content count

    10
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About PaulaM

  • Rank
    Member

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    https://wordpress.com/posts/fourwindssanctuary.wordpress.com

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Northwest IL
  • Interests
    Reading, cats, gardening, grandchildren
  • Loss Type
    Husband, mother
  • Angel Date
    Nov 14, 2017

Converted

  • First Name
    Paula
  1. Tired, tired all the time. Just walking makes me tired, Walking from the chair to the bathroom and back. I fall asleep quickly at night, once I go to bed, But a few hours later, I’m awake Thinking, crying, sobbing, screaming. The questions are always the same: Why did you leave me? How could you leave me? Goddess, why did you take him? Then comes the demands with explanations: If you send him back to me…. If you give him back….. Just one more day with him…. One more minute with him…. I scream at all of creation, till my throat is sore and I can no longer Make a noise. Then I curl into a ball, whimpering over the pain. This huge hole in my heart, my whole body wracked with the pain. We were two halves of one whole, and now someone has removed half Of me. I don’t know how to be Half. Tired, tired all the time….
  2. Forever Just when I think I am coming to a good resolution, I find something of yours. Today it was a shirt that hadn’t yet been washed, And it smelled like you. The wave came crashing down, And I fell to the floor, wiped off my feet. I hold it close, smelling you, Remembering you. I can hardly breathe, the pain is so great. How can one person hold this much grief, I wonder. How can one human body contain this pain? And then I realize one body cannot, and I open my mouth, Letting the pain out in stops and starts, Gasping for air in between, Keening my pain, wailing my grief, Sobbing my confusion. Later, I lie on the floor, Exhausted by the fight to keep my sanity Amidst all the dread in my life, the panic that overwhelms. I pull my self up, clutching your shirt, My nose buried deep, tears still streaming down my face. I place your shirt on my pillow, waiting for me tonight, So my dreams will be of you, next to me, Knowing it will make the morning harder, But not caring, not right now, not this moment. This moment is missing you, and it goes on forever.
  3. thank you, this has been the thing helping me the most here- that people know, really KNOW, what I am talking about. If it's okay, going to share a couple of the poems I wrote and shared in my blog: I look at the clock- Oh, he’ll be home soon. Then the wave crashes down again. No, he won’t. I pull into the garage and see his van. Oh, he’s home already. Then the wave. No, he’s not. This wave encompasses my whole world at times. Hitting me over and over and over. Pushing me further and further down into an abyss I Never knew existed. And just as I come up for air, It crashes on me again, over and over. Until I can barely breathe. Can’t stand Can’t see Can’t hear All I know, all my senses tell me is, You are gone. I can’t do this alone, I explain. Why did you leave me? I cry out Why did you take him? I scream The only response is the wave, Crashing down Once more.
  4. I am seeing my doctor this afternoon, to see what he recommends.
  5. Couldn't even try and go to work today. Last night I turned the TV on, got my Netflix going, thought I would try and watch a movie. Beauty and the Beast was on there, the latest one. My husband Loved Disney movies, has an entire collection of them, so I thought, well, I will watch it in his honor. Not too bad a movie, but at the end, when I turned to talk to him in his chair in the corner, when I turned to ask him what he thought, when I turned to hear his opinion, he wasn't there. He. Was. Not. There. And I lost it, again. How can any one person hold this much pain inside them? I can't even mourn mom, there is just too much of LaVerne being gone inside me. I can't call mom and cry on her shoulders, nor can I come home and feel his arms around me while I cry for mom, and gods I miss him so freaking bad sometimes I can barely stand it.
  6. Oh, I know. I am now calling that my "Wednesday morning", because shortly after my brother called to tell me about mom, I lost it. My son said he could hear me in the house when he pulled in the drive, and for awhile, they considered calling the ambulance. I have no words for the sounds, either, unless it's like the Irish Keening, that is done at wakes. It is cathartic, but sweet goddess it is physically taxing. I was exhausted, am STILL exhausted, each time it happens.
  7. Thank you so much, it is helping to know others have gone through this as well, and have experienced this.
  8. Thank you to all who have replied, just knowing I am not alone is so good, and while I am so sorry you all went through this, I am glad to know I have others to help me navigate this journey. I am going to try and go to work again tonight, I am so lucky to have an employer and a boss who understand and let me take the time off I need. Something I wanted to ask, is it normal to not be able to remember thoughts that you had just minutes, sometimes seconds, before? I started keeping a notebook the first day, because I found I coudn't remember who called, who I needed to call, what I needed to do. I am still keeping that notebook, because I am still not able to think clearly, nor remember things at all. Is this normal as well?
  9. I just keep thinking, I can't call Mom to tell her about LaVerne, and I can't come home and feel his arms around me while I mourn Mom. I never realized Grief was so damn physical, I am exhausted all the time, but I can't sleep. I'll go for awhile, , hours, where I'm okay, then boom, it hits again and I am sobbing once more. It's the sudden sobbing, the sobbing with seemingly no warning, that wears me down. I've tried to go back to work twice now, but the first time just walking in the building did me in, last night I lasted an entire 2 1/2 hours before it hit. People, just too many people. I want to just hide away, just stay in the house and not leave, and I know that is not right either.
  10. On February 13, at 11:30 at night, I heard my husband kick back in his recliner. I headed for bed. I got up at 3, to make his breakfast and make sure he got off to work on time. He was still sleeping, which was unusual, but I went ahead and made his breakfast and when I carried it into the living room, he was still sleeping. I set his breakfast on the TV tray and reached for his foot to wake him. Everytime I think about that morning, I think to myself, Do Not Touch His Foot. Because everything in my life was good up to that point, my world still existed. But when I touched his foot, his oh so very very very cold foot, my entire world just stopped, totally. Part of me knew, and part of my was whimpering, and part of me was screaming and part of me was grabbing the phone and dialing 911 and I was yelling at him to wake up, WAKE UP. He didn't. My husband of 42 years had left me. No warning, no illness, no heart issues up to this point. He simply left. The coroner said massive heart attack, he never woke up, he didn't feel a thing, all the things that should make me feel better, but they don't, because not a damn one of them brings him back. How can I keep going without him? He died on the 14th. On the 15th, my brother called to tell me my mom had passed early that morning. I pretty much lost the rest of the week. I now write a blog, which is helping, but I have questions about my own sanity. Is it normal for me to suddenly break down, sobbing, for what seems no reason? Is it normal to go through the day, seeming okay, and then without warning have a meltdown? I wear his coat everywhere, I don't care what it looks like, it smells like him. I sleep with his T shirt. Am I going crazy? Why can't I stop crying???
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