Just looking at some of the titles of the threads here literally hurts my heart. I'd say breaks, but, that has already happened. Everybody has their story, and I want to learn about other peoples' stories to try and give any form of comfort that I can. But, tonight, for some reason, I have been having a particularly hard time.
My brother, Bryant, passed away in 2009, my senior year of high school. He was born with a chromosomal disorder, which resulted in disabilities and physical abnormalities literally from his head to his toes. He was not supposed to live more than 24 hours, but was able to live a very full and productive 20 years. I know, without a doubt, he was the glue that held our family together. We advocated for people with disabilities in Washington DC, traveled to Canada for disability conferences, and of course, made our way to Disney World at least once a year. Disney was, and still is, our escape. We were treated like royalty there, we felt this sense of "we're home", whenever we went. To this day, I feel that way, and feel like I can feel Bryant's presence.
Lately, I feel I've been, floundering... drowning, in multiple forms of sorrow. Work is overwhelming, married life is tough, there just seems to be less joy in life lately. So many people are going through so much worse, I know, and I constantly remind myself of this, yet... I still feel that fish out of water desperation.
Grief is a very strange thing to grasp. It's this strange, painful, aching feeling that literally just seems to sit in your chest, like a rock. It feels so heavy at times that you can't help but cry, sometimes even make yourself cry, as twisted as that may sound. I mean, listening to songs you know will stir a flurry of emotions, forcing yourself to dig up memories, etc. But maybe it's because you're so afraid of forgetting, so afraid of what memories you have left beginning to fade, that you need to make yourself become immersed in the pain. Because through the pain you find this sense of joy through the memories. I miss everything about you, Bryant, every day.
I don't know, but I do know I need to deal with these feelings somehow. Just wondering how people have dealt with these moments of feeling very, very low, and alone, and just almost out of reach for hope that things will get better, in a sense.