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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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  1. Not sure what to put

    Thanks tommysmum, no disrespect meant by asking for a dad's opinion, you do seem to have a good understanding of my point of view. It feels like those around me are just tired of hearing me talk about him, maybe it's me tired of talking in the same loop. There have been times I've found that my mind makes me believe a certain way, that friends or family have abandoned me, that they don't care, and then I come to find how selfish I've been. What's strange is weeks, months after he passed away I could cope, I could help other families, promote the charities that helped us, talk about it, now I have to unfollow those families and charities on Facebook because I get angry wjen I see them. Recently I had a family friend lose his baby because someone placed him in an adults bed to take a nap and he suffocated in the sheets, we saw him Thursday, the old me would have had words of encouragement, a positive to say, but I couldn't talk to him cause all I could think to tell him was that slowly every day would become hell. Id be willing to speak to a therapist again, but I don't want to spend months on end talking about it, it's like a part of me just wants to move on, but the other part still wants to hurt. I just don't want to ruin my other children's lives, but how do you raise a child to believe in good, to believe in the magic of life that's just dead to you.
  2. Not sure what to put

    I lost my youngest on June 14th 2016. His name is Roman, he had ebsteins anomaly, a heart condition where the tricuspic valve does not form fully. My wife had am emergency c-section after being induced, while she was in recovery I was given the news, while the Dr did accompany me to her room to inform her he would need open heart surgery in the next few days and that he was currently being incubated, I feel like she saw it in my eyes the moment I walked through the door. I've felt guilty for seeing him first, for finding out first, like I was the one who had to tell her. Long story short he had 1 heart surgery, 1 emergency heart surgery, we watched him be shocked back to life multiple times, and finally watched his heart monitor while he was away having a test go from 70 bpm to 250 when he went into cardiac arrest and after an hour and a half of resesitation efforts we were called in a 12x12 room surrounded by a priest, his surgeon, and his cardiac team and were advised he passed away, day 59. I thought I made it out, logic told me he had a heart problem, nothing caused it, nothing we could have done, just a real bad thing many have to deal with, sad, but manageable. That was a year and a half ago. I no longer care to have friends, don't care to be around family besides my oldest and my wife, I have a hair trigger temper, and depression doesn't begin to describe my head. I have good days, hell I can string a few together, but inevitably I end up trapped in that room, seeing him be shocked, seeing him lay there lifeless not a damn thing I can do. Everyone always told me I was a great dad, I took pride in that, now I have to leave the house when I'm triggered because I'm afraid I will snap on my oldest, afraid I will say something to my wife I can't take back. I'm not me anymore, I don't like me, I don't like anyone, there is a piece of me left screaming to come back, to hold my son though he's 4 now and doesn't have time for that. I know my wife feels neglected, I Don't mean for it, but I can't get out of that damn room. What scares me the most is I have a daughter due in February, I was so excited wjen I found out, I had a few of those good days, and I still am, but I am so scarred, I can't deal with that again, and I am afraid I won't let myself bond, I'm afraid this person that I am has no business bringing another child into a world that I have grown to despise, not just because I lost a child but because of how people are, suddenly myself included. I've tried talking to therapists, friends, family, I have gone down the road of drugs and alcohol and been sober for some time now, drs have put me on meds, but I'm trapped in that room, and each day I just get angrier and angrier. Is there a dad out there with anything similar that can tell me something new to try, I'm done talking, I'm done crying out for help, I will bury it all and live out the rest of my days if I don't get a new idea soon. I'm not sure my stance on god anymore if he exists I don't like him, don't want to talk to him, and definitely don't want to hear about him.