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lovingstill

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About lovingstill

Profile Information

  • Loss Type
    Partner
  • Angel Date
    11/17/17
  1. Welcome here. I lost my beloved partner in November-- 2 months ago now-- totally unexpectedly. The investigation is also running and we don't have a police report on his passing but he died at our home, and I was the last person to ever speak to him. I don't know why he left me or why he died, but I've found some community here from others who have experienced the same. We will never be the same. Today is a very hard day for me, and I've had a lot of relatively "easy" days compared to this. But today the crying is nonstop, and I can't stop missing him...
  2. Does it get easier???

    Very true. I was just on the phone with his Dad who seems to be moving on with his life. I guess the grief is different but for me, every day of my life is now changed...and I'm not sure it'll get "easier," it does appear to get different...but not really easier.
  3. Lost of my husband best friend

    I wish we could like others' posts !
  4. Lost of my husband best friend

    I talk to him every day...better than that, I believe he's still out there and reads my letters to him...and sometimes when I write him in my journal, I'll dream of him at night. It's not the same but it's a form of relief. It helps me, as crazy as it sounds to some, believe that there's an afterlife and that he's there...and that I'll be there too someday. On days like today, I just wish I could die... it happens. I hate being alive without him. It was the two month anniversary of his passing on the 17th. I didn't shed a tear that day. For whatever reason, it happened (is happening) today. I just took an uber pool home and started ugly crying in the car thinking about the last day I had with him. Now I'm home and I can't stop crying.
  5. How did we end up here..?

    Always so sad to read these posts. November 17th, 2017 was when my earth shattered...two months now. I’m still early; it gets different but not easier. I cry less but even dumb things make me cry. All I do is distract myself with work now and spend my time at home really honoring his memory and my grief. Im in a support group which has helped me a bit. It’s virtual but it’s other people who have suffered loss — and mostly partner loss. For whatever reason, we all happened to lose our beloveds in 2017...I guess the more recent, the more you need it. I smile sometimes when I hear lyrics that remind me of him or notice number patterns or have a computer problem he could’ve fixed. I find joy in nothing but solace in memories of him. I was robbed of a lifetime with him AND if I didn’t believe he was somewhere else now, I’d likely also not be around. Nobody knows what to say to us because there’s no right thing to say: trust that YOU are doing THE BEST JOB POSSIBLE to honor his memory and that you are loved.
  6. Don't know what to say

    You and I, both. I can't wait for the end. I've been working, meanwhile, to stay connected. I guided him to the light pretty soon after his passing, but I still feel him around me. For example, I feel like he sends me songs, such as Ed Sheeran's "Perfect." I know it's the better side of life, and I can't wait to be in what truly can be described as h-ll. THIS human life without our partners is hell...
  7. Don't know what to say

    YES, I talk regularly with him and feel him a lot. I truly believe he's communicating with me and that he exists but in a different form.
  8. Boyfriend Died of Cardiac Arrest After Making Love

    I am so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. It isn't your fault. In our weakest moments, we do the best that we can. God knows that thought runs through my head too -- what if I had checked on him sooner? What if I had gotten there even five minutes before when I did? What if I had let my intuition guide me? Know that you have a community here. It is NOT your fault, absolutely NOT your fault. I'm so sorry for your loss. My dear beloved suffered cardiac arrest too. We don't really know what happened, just that his body decided to shut down... he was 30.
  9. Don't know what to say

    Just noticed the quote in your signature and wanted to tell you it resonated with me. I cling on to the possibility that he exists elsewhere and that we'll be reunited. Am I crazy? I talk to him every day, I ask him for guidance, I tell him I love him. He's dead. I know he's dead, but I also think he's with me. In the very, very beginning, I couldn't sleep. Then all I could do was sleep because when I was asleep was the only time I didn't know that he was gone. I meditate now -- and I need to share -- I'm hyperactive, diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, very functional as both child and adult but went to be a non-ADHD control for a clinical trial and didn't qualify because of the ADHD I didn't even know I had. I try to meditate and find guided meditations to "meet spirit loved ones." I've done everything to try to be connected. In short, I can't even meditate because I'm too hyperactive...but I'm trying because I'm dying to have at least one other moment with him.
  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved two months ago next Tuesday. I can't imagine dealing with the pain I'm dealing with now in 2019... it scares me to think it's a possibility, but I've found some support in the online community I've found here. If nothing else is of comfort, know that you're not alone -- the rest of us are sharing at least part of your same journey, and all of us are grieving the loss of our true love. Sorry about two losses together -- one loss is too much already. I can't imagine what you're going through -- sending healing thoughts and energy your way.
  11. Don't know what to say

    I was prescribed Citalopram soon after his death. I was in the deepest stages of grief. What I found was that when it "wore off," I just burst into a ball of tears all over again. I'm all for mental health support and help, but I also wanted to...as crazy as it sounds...feel what I was feeling all the time, if I had to feel it at all. I didn't give it much time at all, to be honest with you -- maybe two weeks. I stopped soon after. I don't like crowds or traffic or hype. I never have. And I still don't really go out, but I'm more functional now, with the help of meditation and some self-help books. I will never be cured. When you lose the love of your life, I don't think anything can really help you besides them coming back...
  12. How do I carry on now my soulmate is gone

    We had my beloved cremated. He died in California but his remains were going to a more northern winter-heavy location. I have no words of comfort; I'm so sorry for your loss. What I can tell you is that you're not alone. There's not a day that I don't wish I was gone too, so that at least I could be with him. I, too, pounded on his chest and tried to bring him back. I, too, had dreams of growing old with him. My heart is broken beyond repair and I'll always have a gaping wound that nobody can heal. People will say things that they think are comforting in this time. Not three days after he passed, people were talking to me about finding love again. Ignore them. Only you know what you are going through. Only you know your pain. And he still loves and watches over you, as hard as it can seem to believe. Is it the same? Not at all, and I'm pretty new to this grief journey. He gained his wings 11/17/2017, so I'm still experiencing things I wish I didn't have to...I don't have all of the answers. I am so sorry for your loss. We waited a month and a half for his services, which was terribly hard for everyone. Up to that point, I cried every day. After that day, I felt some closure, but I still feel incomplete...like a limb has been ripped from me. I believe they do hear us yell in those moments. I got chills just now because I yelled at him too when he was leaving me. I pounded on him too. We love so deeply and so hard that we can't imagine a life without them. I can't. I'm only 29; the rest of my life is going to be very difficult now that I've lost my twin soul...and that I'll spend the next however many years of my life grieving the greatest love I'll ever know.
  13. I joined an online grief support video chat group via Campfire. It's completely free and something I thought other people around our age might be doing. I start next week. I'll give you all feedback on how it goes.
  14. I feel so much sadness every time I see a post on this forum. I'm sorry for your loss, for all of our losses. I feel the same way you do -- he died in November, a month before he was going to propose actually, and I've lost him. I wanted nothing more than to die to be with him at first, but I've found that my memories and his love sustains me. It will never be the same; I will always carry this pain, but now I can tell my story to strangers without breaking down. I don't know why that is. I think it's because I believe he still exists. There are no words to express how terrible this is, and I know my words might not be comforting...nobody's are. I'm thinking of you, holding you in my thoughts, holding all of us in them, as the beginning of this new year should not be like this.
  15. The one month mark - losing the love of my life

    We are in the estate division phase now. We weren't married but we were careful and listed each other as beneficiaries on as much as possible. Anyway, through this process, his parents have found out how wealthy he was; they asked, I told them -- and it has been an unnecessary added stressor because the mom now seems to be fighting to make sure she keeps everything that was his. I don't care about any of it because it means nothing to me without having him here, but I don't want my relationship with his family ruined as a result.
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