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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Miss My Boy

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  • Content count

    1
  • Joined

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About Miss My Boy

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 09/09/1963

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Adult son
  • Angel Date
    May 10, 2016

Converted

  • First Name
    Tianna
  1. I'm not totally sure of what I am searching for here...maybe by telling my experience, it will help me with healing??? I lost my son 18 months ago...they say that "time heals"...but, so far, this is untrue for me. At this time, I feel like I have started the grieving process all over again. I feel this way because when Steve passed he was in the prime of his racing career and had a huge following of fans. I used this following as an outlet for my grieving. I read 1000s of messages and emails of condolences. I became involved in events that celebrated the life of my boy. I worked at things that would keep his "dreams alive". In other words, I was mourning the loss of "what he was to the world", not "what he was to me". I was filling in the void he left, in his passing, with things that kept me busy, but not really dealing with the pain I was feeling. Recently, I have decided to step away from the "Steve legacy" , and mourn the loss of my boy and to work at my healing. Steve was in a dirt bike accident on May 6th, 2016....I will never forget the phone call "....Steve has been in an accident and he is being flown to Victoria hospital...". I was used to getting calls regarding Steve and hospitals, but I knew this time was different. We spent 5 long days, at the hospital, with him on life support, and on May 10th we had to let him go. I was thankful that I was able to be there for him and hold him when he left....but my heart was shattering....and still is! He was only 26 years old....in the prime of his life!!!! So unfair. The first few weeks went by in a blur. I had a good support system with my daughter, brother, and friends, but I did live alone, so there was a lot of time spent on my own. Out of the corner of my eye I kept seeing him walking around the corner of the house....every time would bring on a fresh batch of tears....he was never going to walk around that corner again. Weeks turned to months....feelings of guilt because I have continued on and even smile once in awhile. At the 6 month mark, of Steve's passing, we decided to finally spread his ashes. We did this in a quiet manner with just family and a bonfire...Steve loved fires. At this time, considering what I had been through, I thought I was moving through the grieving process as well as expected. I didn't realize what was to come...all of the firsts. First birthday that he wouldn't celebrate, first Christmas without him, first New Year's without a midnight call from him....everyone of these firsts tears open the wounds that you think were just starting to heal. People warn you that the one year mark is very difficult, but I found that it started the month before. I found myself fretting that a whole year was getting close. In my mind, I felt if I went a whole year without seeing him, that meant "this is real"!!! I didn't want it to be real...it was time to wake up from this horrible dream. But I wasn't dreaming...this was my new normal...I wanted my old normal back. After making it through a whole year, you'd think it would be getting easier...nope...just reaffirms what you don't want to be real, but is! So, coming up to the year and half mark, and I still feel like I'm being torn up inside. Reality is setting in...and I don't like it. Now I look at pictures and realize that there will be no new pics of Steve, no new memories, no new shenanigans, and no grandbabies. I love and miss my boy so much.
  2. I'm not totally sure of what I am searching for here...maybe by telling my experience, it will help me with healing???

    I lost my son 18 months ago...they say that "time heals"...but, so far, this is untrue for me. At this time, I feel like I have started the grieving process all over again. I feel this way because when Steve passed he was in the prime of his racing career and had a huge following of fans. I used this following as an outlet for my grieving. I read 1000s of messages and emails of condolences. I became involved in events that celebrated the life of my boy. I worked at things that would keep his "dreams alive". In other words, I was mourning the loss of "what he was to the world", not "what he was to me".  I was filling in the void he left, in his passing, with things that kept me busy, but not really dealing with the pain I was feeling. Recently, I have decided to step away from the "Steve legacy" , and mourn the loss of my boy and to work at my healing.

    Steve was in a dirt bike accident on May 6th, 2016....I will never forget the phone call "....Steve has been in an accident and he is being flown to Victoria hospital...". I was used to getting calls regarding Steve and hospitals, but I knew this time was different. We spent 5 long days, at the hospital, with him on life support, and on May 10th we had to let him go. I was thankful that I was able to be there for him and hold him when he left....but my heart was shattering....and still is! He was only 26 years old....in the prime of his life!!!! So unfair. 

    The first few weeks went by in a blur. I had a good support system with my daughter, brother, and friends, but I did live alone, so there was a lot of time spent on my own. Out of the corner of my eye I kept seeing him walking around the corner of the house....every time would bring on a fresh batch of tears....he was never going to walk around that corner again.

    Weeks turned to months....feelings of guilt because I have continued on and even smile once in awhile. At the 6 month mark, of Steve's passing, we decided to finally spread his ashes. We did this in a quiet manner with just family and a bonfire...Steve loved fires. At this time, considering what I had been through, I thought I was moving through the grieving process as well as expected. I didn't realize what was to come...all of the firsts. First birthday that he wouldn't celebrate, first Christmas without him, first New Year's without a midnight call from him....everyone of these firsts tears open the wounds that you think were just starting to heal.

    People warn you that the one year mark is very difficult, but I found that it started the month before. I found myself fretting that a whole year was getting close. In my mind, I felt if I went a whole year without seeing him, that meant "this is real"!!! I didn't want it to be real...it was time to wake up from this horrible dream. But I wasn't dreaming...this was my new normal...I wanted my old normal back.  After making it through a whole year, you'd think it would be getting easier...nope...just reaffirms what you don't want to be real, but is!

    So, coming up to the year and half mark, and I still feel like I'm being torn up inside. Reality is setting in...and I don't like it. Now I look at pictures and realize that there will be no new pics of Steve, no new memories, no new shenanigans, and no grandbabies.

    I love and miss my boy so much, words can't explain.

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