I'm not sure how active this forum is, but I've been having a very difficult night, and thought I would find some relief in expressing it. I would also love to know if anyone has been put in a situation similar to mine.
I lost both my mother and my sister when I was 7 years old. My mother suffered from a brain tumour, and my sister struggled with disabilities (mute, blind and couldn't walk) though I'm not sure what caused her death. I was too young at the time to understand and I'm not sure anyone around me was comfortable with explaining it. She was two years older than me and I've been finding it difficult to cope with wondering what she would've been like, what advice she would've given me had she been healthy, as an older sister. Whether she would look similar to me. My mother was incredibly supportive of me and losing her without her being able to guide me through the rest of my childhood was awful. Following these losses, I had no other option but to move in with my maternal grandmother, as my mother didn't want my father to take on the responsibility of looking after me. My father lived with his parents at this time, my paternal grandparents, whose house was about a 5 minute walk from me so I could visit often. Though my relationship with my dad was always distant and insufficient, my paternal grandmother was quite possibly the kindest and most caring person I had ever met, and treated me as if I was her daughter. She acted as my 'substitute mother', a role that my maternal grandmother hadn't ever been able to fulfil in the slightest. Unfortunately, she died after suffering from cancer when I was 12. This was excruciatingly painful, and I was in crucial need of comfort and support, though my maternal grandmother rejected my attempts at seeking this from her. My dad moved out shortly afterwards, and I visited my granddad as often as possible. He had Parkinson's disease and died a year later. The house was sold, I then had less opportunity to see my dad, and to this day, feel as though I have no one looking out for me. The fact that my grandmother has not given me the emotional support that I need so badly leaves me with a lot of resentment and bitterness, which then quickly turns to guilt because I'm aware she will die at some point in my life, whether that is soon or further in the future - unpredictability that is also difficult to deal with - and I will hate myself for not appreciating that she is still here regardless. She is here for me simply because she feels she owes it to my mother, but not to me. Still living here is becoming increasingly more painful as a result. My 18th birthday is at the end of this month, which means I will be able to hopefully put my childhood behind me and begin a new life for myself, the issue is that mental illness (partly caused by these experiences, partly due to bad luck) is interfering with my grades which could potentially prevent me from attending university and moving out will be delayed. I don't know how to move on alone, how to accept that this has all happened, how to want to get better mentally, how to get through Christmas, and focus on my studies. I don't think I will ever shake this feeling of loneliness since what I've lost cannot be replaced. I try my best to swallow this all and power through, but on days like this, it piles up.
Thank you for reading, I welcome anyone to share similar experiences and let me know how you have dealt with them.