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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Browneyedgirl29

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  1. Bah Humbug

    @LittleM, I won't say I know exactly how you feel, but I sympathize. My brother passed two days after my birthday. I've said I'll never celebrate again. And I don't plan to. I agree about skipping everything. It'd be so easy to just cancel holidays if not for the children in the family. Christmas was just another day for me. I was irritable and depressed. I'm just glad it's over. Unfortunately, all of the holidays throughout the year hold memories of him for me. Easter. Fathers day, mothers day; we even started a "tradition" of meeting up at his house to watch him shoot off fireworks on the 4th of July, we've done this for the past 3 or 4 years. That won't happen this year. Then his birthday follows, then we're right back at the holidays. I don't know if it'll ever get tolerable.
  2. Bah Humbug

    Anyone else not feeling the Christmas spirit this year? I don't know how to deal with this. It's been 3 months and I still struggle to just "care" about much of anything. Everything just makes me numb...
  3. New Baby

    Pictures don't do her justice. It is UNCANNY. I held her today and looked at her face and it's him made over. Bittersweet is the word that comes to mind. She has his tan complexion (me and my brother are mixed, his father different and also a different race than mine). She has a headfull of dark hair, my brothers was black. I can't wait to see what color her eyes end up being, my brother's were gray (which made him popular among the ladies, old and young, lol). I hate to compare her to him in every aspect, but how can I not? I realize she is her own person and I'll never treat her as anything other than HER. But I feel I'll always look for similarities; I do it with his other daughter too. I keep them to myself for the most part, because like I said, I don't want them to think all I see when I look at them is him. I'll always see my two beautiful little nieces.
  4. New Baby

    My brother's last child was born a couple days ago. The last piece of him left on earth. His second daughter. I haven't met her yet. But I've seen the pics and she looks just like him. I know people think that it's just my "wishful thinking". But I really do think she has his face. A little slice of him still here. There aren't many words. I'm nervous about seeing her. I don't know how I'll react. I'll love her to pieces regardless. But my heart breaks for what he'll be missing. He was such a good daddy to their first little girl. I can only imagine what the new baby would've had with him.
  5. Can't get over this

    Nobody does understand. That's how I feel too. Nothing irritates me more right now than to have someone say "I lost my sibling, so I know exactly how you feel". No. No, you don't actually. No one knows the way I felt about my brother or the way he felt about me. No one shares OUR memories. Anxiety and depression are my middle names right now. It's been less than 2 months for me. I don't expect to feel better anytime soon especially with holidays approaching. So I imagine you are in the same boat even though it's been longer for you. I don't see myself at this point and time being better with this a year, two years from now. Time doesn't heal, like they say; not everything, not THIS. All you can do is take one day at a time and LET YOURSELF GRIEVE. I feel this is a problem with my family members, everyone's trying to be strong and keep it together, including myself. But I think you gotta feel it ALL to move forward. Can't process it by holding back your emotions. I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother passed in a sudden car accident as well. I hope and pray--for you and me--that we both find some sort of peace with these tragedies in the future.
  6. Saturday

    Yesterday was such a bad day. I thought of my brother a lot. That made me sad, so in turn I became irritable. I stayed in my room all night after I got home. I argued with my husband over simple stuff. I was so "snappy". I had this overwhelming feeling of just numbness, depression. I got up this morning wondering how it had gotten so bad last night. Then I hop on facebook to see my "DNA donor" had posted a link to a song for his mother who passed last year. "One Sweet Day" (Mariah Carrey and Boys II Men). It was the last of four songs played at my brothers funeral. I'm going to church this morning. After arguing about it with my husband last night. I don't feel ready to take that step even though I've made the decision and began the process of trying to be better in my faith so I can see my brother again one day. I feel like he's pushing me. Then I also feel guilty for not wanting to go. Isn't that part of strengthening your relationship with God? (Going to church to worship and praise His name) It's what's expected eventually right? So why am I so against it? What harm could it do? The church is 15 minutes from the cemetery. I think I'll go talk to my brother after we leave. I feel like I'm gearing up for another bad day and it isn't even 8 am yet...
  7. My Brother

    @atreehouse, I get what you're saying about sounding patronizing. I feel that way sometimes too. Especially when I'm telling my family "we've got to be strong" and "he would want us to move on", when I myself can't even figure out how to even get back to some sort of "normal". One day at a time for now, I guess. Thank you for replying. My main reason for doing this thing was to talk out some feelings and hopefully get some feedback from people who might be in a similar situation. My "step one" so to speak.
  8. My Brother

    Zain_robson, thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I understand what you mean about religion. I've always believed in God, but I don't consider myself a big religious person. I have yet to be angry with Him; all I do is ask "Why?". I like to think either he needed him, or that he spared him a life of misery due to the injury that caused his death. (My brother was so full of life and always on the go. Always working; I've never seen a person willingly work 6-7 days a week that didn't need to.) I haven't started going to church just yet, or even praying every night. But this event started the process for me. I also live like he sees everything. I speak to him in my mind all the time when something reminds me of him. Especially his three year old "mini-him". We're (my family) all doing that right now. Oh that was his favorite show. That was his favorite color. Oh, he loved skulls and he would think that's so cool. I'll never celebrate my birthday again. I know its stupid, because I'm in the last year of my 20's, birthdays aren't a big deal for me anymore, and he wouldn't want that but I just can't. I last saw him two days before my birthday, and two days after he was gone, and one week after, we put him in the ground. I have a constant reminder for the rest of my life. Again. I'm very sorry for your loss. I won't say I feel your pain or I know exactly how you feel. Because each person grieves differently. Each person bonds with another person differently. But I hope your pain becomes "tolerable" eventually.
  9. Oh my word! It feels like you are speaking from my own heart! There's nothing worse than someone trying to compare your grief to their own. No one could know what pain it brings, except for yourself and your sibling and the connection between the two of you. Every person's grief is different because it's their own!
  10. My Brother

    I got a phone call that changed my life a little over a month ago. At 10:05 pm September 16, two days after my 29th birthday. After that phone call I rushed to my brothers home 20 minutes away to hear the news that no one would tell me over the phone. Moments later, I collapsed into my mom's waiting arms. My brother was gone. Car accident. Three miles from home. I cried every night at first. To the point of exhaustion. 27 years of memories were all I had left. We weren't as close as we once were. Both of us grew and started families of our own. Guilt plagued me. I'm the oldest, I should've gone first. He left behind a wife and a daughter and a baby on the way. (She'll now have his middle name as well as his last.) Lately, I've been in a rut. I feel like I just disconnect from the world at home. I listen to sad songs sometimes after my kids and my husband lay down for the night; songs that were played at his funeral. And I cry. I can't seem to get myself "unstuck", even though I know he would want us all to move on. I think about him all the time. Not a day goes by. I tell my family we have to be strong and we have to go on, but I myself am struggling. I am literally at a loss of how to take my life back. I know it takes time, but I'm so tired of hurting.