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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Sazza85

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About Sazza85

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  1. So today my dad was informed of the results, earlier than expected. Apparently she has an enlarged heart, she wasn’t getting the oxygen required and she just slipped away, wouldn’t have even been aware of it according to the coroner. Earlier I was so happy and relieved. Now I just have so many questions - I may call the coroner myself tomorrow.
  2. An update. Her doctor refused to sign the death certificate so an autopsy/post-mortem has now been executed so we will hopefully know the cause of her sudden death around Thursday/Friday. I called the funeral directors today to try and start arranging things so we can get her laid to rest as soon as possible. I hope so much that finding out the cause of death will ease my pain and the guilt that is slowly consuming me. I thought it would be so hard going back to the house, it hurts when I pull up, hands ache, heart goes fast but as soon as I’m there I always look around and then start talking to myself and to her. It feels comforting, it’s very strange I’m going from extreme sadness to extreme happiness, even tho we didn’t do much together in person as we used to, every time I got in the car I called her, ALWAYS messaging her, when I was at home cooking, I’d call her, even on my honeymoon I called her or messages her virtually every day to make sure she was ok. The anger has started to come in, she had so many plans, we had so many plans! How, why? She lost her mum at 31, why would me being 32 make it any different? She had me to focus on after her mum, I’m trying for a baby and failing miserably. She was going to be by my side going through fertility treatment in the New Year if me and the hubby hadn’t conceived naturally. I NEED her, I need her more than ever! I have no one I can truely talk to, a conversation between mother and daughter is different to a conversation between husband and wife. I could tell my mum EVERYTHING and by everything I really mean it. We had been so open and honest with each other. Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? Could I have helped her if I was there like she believed I was going to be! I hate these feelings so much....
  3. I don’t know what to do! My mums suffered a lot in her 62 years and more so over the last 9. She had diabetes and all the complications to go with it, sleep apnea, 4th stage CKD, rheumatoid arthritis, 3 years ago she had respiratory failure which she bounced back from, she said she saw her mum and she said that it wasn’t her time, then a month and a bit later she had sepsis. she had been perfectly good ever since. Her kidney function had improved as good as it could for 4th stage, just the rheumatoid arthritis that had the odd flare up due to the difficulties of treating it due to kidneys. She’d been suffering from back pain which got so bad on Thursday that a family friend was worried and called for an ambulance (she had called them as she didn’t want to worry me or my dad) all of her obs where fine! We just thought it was sciatica as that’s how it manifested. Doctor prescribed her oramorph on Thursday and upped her steroids on Friday for the RA as her left arm was painful. She had gone a bit funny on the oramorph and she woke up Saturday and was talking to my dad and asking if I was in the kitchen doing her her breakfast and making her a cuppa. My dad said no it was too early, she also thought I was going round at 8:30 to do her breakfast, although she was obviously confused as she knew I had something on this morning. Well I tried calling her, mobile straight to answer phone and house phone just kept ringing. After 30 mins I decided to drive round to hers expecting to go in and find her snoring her head off like she normally does and is in such a deep sleep, or to find her better and to find her in the shower as her and my dad was going to a concert that night. Well I walked in at 11:55, breakfast on the side, her room in darkness with no TV on, which was strange. Found her slumped on the bed (she must have been sat up) her head hanging off the edge. She was cold, blue and it was horrible! Ive lost my best friend and I don’t know how or why! I tried chest compressions but I knew it was too late.... she was declared deceased at 12:08 Her Apple Watch took her last pulse at 9:14 but I just can’t get my head around it and all the what ifs are eating me alive. Now I’m angry I didn’t get to say goodbye or anything. Life is so cruel to the ones that don’t deserve it. I was an only child, I was her world and she was mine. I honestly don’t know what to do and I cannot get the image of how I found her out of my head. To anyone reading this. Thank you! I just needed to write this all down!
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