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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Matahum

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  • Birthday 02/04/1988

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  • Gender
  • Location
    BC, Canada
  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
    Oct 19, 2017


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92 profile views
  1. I don't want to continue on without him

    I am hoping that 2018 will at least stop with all the bullshit and give me a little breathing room, if I only use that to grieve, at least I won't have other stuff piled on top of it like I do now. I know he wants me to keep going... I don't want to, but I'm doing what he'd want me to do. I get out of bed every day because the dog needs fed and needs to pee. Someone from this forum sent me something via PM, and it's been a bit helpful. I'm working through it in hopes that somehow it makes this a little easier. I already know that he's still out there - His soul anyway. I just am angry that he will never be physically with me again. That's the hard part and the part that I grieve the most about. Last New Years we chatted on Skype through his New Years and then mine (3 hour difference) then we said goodnight and I went to bed while he played some video games (his favorite late-night hobby). I'd wake up to a good morning message every day. I miss those. I drank tonight - 100 proof moonshine - It's numbed me enough to write this without crying. The email I was going to send him on his birthday (2 days after his death) is still sitting in my drafts folder. A friend told me I should edit it and send it anyway, he thinks it might help. But I still can't bring myself to do that, or even to write his mom a letter and print off the pictures of him to send to her. I guess after I see the doctor this week and find out what is going on with me, I will find the strength to do it. My nan is only 72 and her and my grandfather have been married for 54 years (57 together), she still has a lot of life left to live and this breast cancer thing isn't what we need right now. The only saving grace is that there is a 99% survival rate, and it was caught early (no cancer found in tests done on her last year).
  2. I don't want to continue on without him

    Thanks for the thoughts. I just found out this morning that my grandmother has breast cancer. I'm feeling pretty close to being done with life.
  3. I don't want to continue on without him

    On top of everything regarding my ex's passing, I may be having a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) - spent last night in hospital emergency and went back for full abdominal ultrasound today, which they took almost an hour to do and possibly found other things outside of the gallbladder... this on top of my grandmother having a breast biopsy and a liver scan... I don't know how much more I can take.
  4. The one month mark - losing the love of my life

    I am 29 too. I am at 60 days. He was my soulmate too. Our age doesn't matter - Our souls know when we have found the one. I know my love is around as well. He lets me know... Dreams, feelings, unbelievable happenings (every time I head down to the beach in front of my house and ask him for a sign, I see something spectacular - once it was whales swimming through which is rare, another time it was sea lions playing around, another it was loons swimming and calling, and a blue heron flew over me this morning in the fog), psychic connection (his voice telling me something or responding to a thought I have - and knowing it's not my own brain responding because I don't think or talk the way the responses come to me). He showed me a bright red finch/wild bird once in my mind's eye, I've yet to figure out what that means or how it relates and I haven't seen one for real yet. But... he's not physically there, and nothing I do is going to bring him back. No amount of begging or bargaining (and there has been much of that). That's the worst part... The longing for someone you know is never coming back in their physical form. The only thing you can do... Is what you know he would want you to do. And take it one moment at a time. Not an hour, not a day, not a week or a month... A moment.
  5. I don't want to continue on without him

    Thank you KMB and KayC. This has been tough but I'm just trying to take it one minute at a time. Wake up, take dog out, feed dog, make coffee, drink coffee. One little task at a time. Because even taking it one day at a time seems too overwhelming.
  6. Lost my world last Friday

    I am sorry for your loss. I lost the love of my life on October 19th. He had an asthma attack that sent him into cardiac arrest (so, like yours, was very sudden, and unexpected). He was a healthy, fit man who passed two days shy of his 37th birthday. Even now, I still have more questions than I do answers. And the unfortunate situation surrounding our relationship makes it much harder for me. Your pain will come in waves, and you'll feel like you're drowning... and it's okay to feel everything - sadness, anger, depression, anxiety, GUILT (oh lord, the guilt...), etc. I still do... It feels like it just happened yesterday. Everything reminds me of him... And everything will remind you of yours, too. The only thing I find comfort in is knowing that he wants me to keep going, keep living, and keep figuring myself out. His death caused me to realize I need to make changes in my life - major ones. And that's what I'm doing... slowly, but surely. I often hear his voice in my head when I get consumed by the darkness (which happens a lot more than I care to admit) and it's his voice that brings the light into that darkness. They're not gone - We just can't see them. You will start to find little things in places you'd never think to find them, and you'll wonder if they somehow put it there for you to find. Hell, I've even felt him sit on the edge of the bed and then lie down next to me, when I sat up to see who it was, there was no one (visibly) there. Just two nights ago someone was rubbing my knee, like a tingly feeling, it was weird... but I know it was him. These things will happen and you'll try to dismiss or explain them away but you won't be able to... Because they're exactly what you're hoping they are. I don't think it ever gets easier... I think you just learn to live and work around the empty hole in your heart. I guess for me, my saving grace is my belief in the metaphysical, and my own ability to feel and sense energy. I have no doubt he's around me often, keeping me safe. This was sent to me the other day, and even though it brought me a wave of grief to read it, it helped me realize that I am not the only person in the world dealing with a shipwreck, that we all have our own shipwrecks.
  7. I don't want to continue on without him

    Well, I'm still here, it's been a bad few days, really in a dark spot, trying to keep going. I sometimes hear his voice in my head when I think bad thoughts, telling me to cut that s*** out. I got my Christmas shopping done, I've done some baking... But it was hard because I realized I didn't have to figure out what to get him this year for Christmas. A woman on facebook read a comment I had made about my loss, and sent me this. It's helped... a little
  8. I don't want to continue on without him

    Thanks for the kind words. He did remain friends with many exes, but oddly enough, he was always open and honest about it, and had zero interest in them romantically. I'm also not normally a jealous person as I am confident in myself and was very confident in the security of our relationship and feelings for each other. His sister said he took our breakup really hard, and so his long-ago ex, who he remained friends with, was apparently just overprotective because of that. I'm letting it go, but honestly, it wasn't her place at all to decide whether I get to contact his mother or not. He also told his family that I was his soul mate, that he loved me more than anyone he'd ever been with, etc... It's hard thinking about those words because I wanted to reconcile and did not get that chance. My cat won't be here for Christmas, she came into heat shortly after getting to the foster home, so we have to wait to have her spayed. I am also still slowly saving the money while trying to make Christmas a reality here for my family and friends. It's a lot of stress, admittedly, but thankfully my little kitty is safe with someone who has now become a pretty good friend (the foster home). I'm also debating just flying down to my friend's in FL in February and spending a week or so there and during that time make the 3 hour drive to the foster home to get my kitty and just bring her on the plane home with me underneath the seat in the cabin. It'll either be the same price or cheaper than cargo, and less stressful for her. I think I'm going to need to give myself a LOT of time before I will be ready to go to Antigua to see his grave and his family. I had a really bad day today where the grief is concerned and this is probably not something that is going to be better in 6 months or even a year. I don't want to make the hole in my heart worse by going when things are still raw.
  9. Appreciating little joys.

    I went to the barn this morning as I'm house sitting for a friend and her one retired (due to medical condition not age) horse is there alone. He is normally a quiet horse but this morning he nickered at me as I walked into the barn to give him hay.
  10. I don't want to continue on without him

    I heard from her. They have been waiting a long time to hear from me. The woman who contacted me about his death (a long ago ex that surprisingly nobody knows he wasn't that fond of, but that was always his way, he never made ripples and was full of kindness) was nasty in refusing to give me the contact info I needed, so all of us ended up needlessly waiting 6 weeks to finally converse. Maybe we were meant to wait that long so the emotions had time to become at least a little more balanced. I believe everything in life happens exactly as it should, no coincidences. I was able to get out some of my feelings, and I got his mother's address so that I may send a letter and some very recent photos of him that I have. Admittedly I want to say I feel better, but at the same time talking to his sister, and her confirming his death, and discussing the funeral, made it all so real and permanent and I lost it. I was glad it was early morning and I was still in bed at the time, so I could deal with the breakdown privately. He has been buried in Antigua, so in the future, I will be able to go there, and visit the body he left behind.
  11. I don't want to continue on without him

    Thank you all. I was able to get the numbers of his sister and his mother today from his best friend. I sent his sister a message on whatsapp as his friend said that is the best way to contact her. I feel a little bit better, as I await her reply.
  12. I don't want to continue on without him

    Thank you all for the kindness. I've given this a lot of thought, and I don't really want to watch the funeral live or from a recording. It has been incredibly hard grieving without being contacted by his mother or sister or being able to get her contact information. I did ask his cousin to get her address for me but I've yet to be given the information. I am friends with some of his family on facebook but nobody seems to want to give up that information. I'm really uncomfortable with the whole thing - I'm going through some intense emotions of anger and hurt and sadness and they keep rotating - not just the emotions, but who they're directed at. I know this is supposedly normal, and yet it is complex at the same time. There are days when I feel okay and days when I feel like I am back at square one, as if I just got the news minutes ago. All I can do is repeat to myself that life isn't fair, because it really isn't, but I have to accept it because life doesn't care that it's not fair. Even if I wanted to book the flight right now and completely max out what is left of my credit card funds, I wouldn't arrive to the funeral in time because I live so far and the connections have long layover times. So tomorrow while I am forcing myself to get through house sitting chores and laundry and errands, I will have him on my mind. Not that he has left it at all anyway.
  13. I don't want to continue on without him

    His funeral is on the 28th in Antigua at 10 AM. I can't go because I simply can't afford the flight on short notice, it's over $2000 round trip. I don't really have any words to express what I'm feeling right now.
  14. I don't want to continue on without him

    Thanks for this. I really relate. I have two horses, a dog, a bird, and a cat (hopefully coming home before Christmas) and I know that if I didn't have them I probably wouldn't be here right now. They have kept me going through all of this because I don't know what would happen to them if I wasn't around to take care of them. It's true what they say, that sometimes our best friends never say a word to us.