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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

JDYoung

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  • Content count

    1
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About JDYoung

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    South East
  • Loss Type
    I recently lost an estranged close friend of mine.
  • Angel Date
    September 12, 2017

Converted

  • Occupation
    Chef
  • First Name
    Jordan
  1. It's Been Rough

    About a month and a half ago, one of my exes committed suicide. We're both 31 years old, and I have known her since we were 19. And, I have been in love with her ever since. We dated very briefly when we were 24, and remained friends until about three years ago when we had a silent falling out. Some of my roommates personal possessions came up missing, and she immediately blamed Jen. I knew that it wasn't her, but neither of us had any proof in either direction. The next day, upset because I didn't believe her or stand up for her, she blocked me from being able to talk to her at all. I've seen her twice in the past three years. I didn't expect it to hit me anywhere as hard as it did. Over the years, I had convinced myself that I no longer cared about her if she could cut me out of her life so easily. There isn't a day that went by in that three years that I didn't think about her. We had a mutual friend that I could have reached out to her through, but I was afraid of what her reaction would be, so I never tried. The hard unsettling fact that there are no re-do's in real life has begun to sink in. Some weeks, every day gets easier. Some weeks, every day gets harder. Everyone knew that I would take it hard when I found out, but not many people understood our friendship.... I don't even think we did, to be quite honest. Her twin sister, did though. How ironic that through this entire ordeal, she's kind of been my rock. Most days I get consumed with guilt trying to figure out if I actually have a right to feel the way I feel concerning her death. I'm not delusional enough to think that I could have saved her from herself, but if I had tried a little harder.... If I would have thought a little harder to find a way to get back in touch and not let her push me away like she did, I wouldn't have missed out on the last three years of her life. So much of me feels like I don't have a right the feel the way that I do. That I shouldn't grieve as much as I am, she wasn't mine to grieve. I had given up on our friendship just as much as she had. Is there anybody else who has experienced anything like this? I can't seem to find a precedent anywhere. I just want to know how other people have dealt with feelings like this.
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