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Jay W

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  1. Jedi Mind Trick

    I would like to think there is life after death. A place where we will meet our loved ones, human or animal. But I don't know. I am a Christian and not overly religious but I have read passages in my bible plus the Book of Mormon and the bible from the Jehovah Witnesses. It seems they all have different takes on this topic which does confuse and upset me. I talk to my wife every day as well as my departed animals. One bible says that is not possible. We come from dust and we go to dust and talking to or hearing from a departed loved one is just an evil angel from Satan misleading us. My only hope is that when I talk to my wife she hears me and I am waiting to hear from her. One Sunday a few weeks ago a single eagle circled my yard twice at treetop level. I tried to follow it but it vanished. We have eagles but they soar very high and generally in pairs. I want to believe its my wife but certain bibles say I am being foolish. I even had a horned owl sitting in my tree for a day. Very rare in this area and the first I have seen. This gives me faith.
  2. Jedi Mind Trick

    For the first time in my life I don't care if I die. My affairs are in order but I still have my animals. My mind is going crazy with a bunch of senseless thoughts and I can't shake them. Now I think that by taking my wife God is purposely punishing me for not being the perfect husband. Drink does not work. You feel good while you drink or are drunk but you pay the price the next day - hung-over and you have a bunch of empty bottles to pick up. Try marijuana instead. I have decided that if I am ever diagnosed with a terminal disease I won't go through all the useless procedures. I will lock myself in my garage and run the car motor. Painless and no mess for someone else to clean up.
  3. I Cannot Take It Anymore

    With a doctor's appointment, a bank visit, buying special light bulbs and getting compression socks for my legs I was gone 4 hours. I could not wait to get home - my safe haven. As to giving away items I very much recall that when my wife's parents passed away in England her brother called in a contractor to "clear" the house. He was paid $1000 Pounds for the entire contents of the house. Although I was not there at the time, I had been and there were some 200 year old antiques in that house along with other valuable personal items. All taken away in half a day and who knows what happened to them. I am alone here and do not feel I will be around long so I want to make sure that certain treasures go to certain people or organizations that can benefit from them. My wife who was always talking about downsizing would be pleased. Besides a lot of these items were mine as well.
  4. I Cannot Take It Anymore

    Being harder than I expected. it should be easing off a bit and it was but it hit me again this week. On Saturday my left calf was sore and swollen. I went to the ER and they took blood and I was told I have a very small clot. They scheduled me for a ultrasound and it showed nothing at all. I went home and 2 days later it started to swell again. I saw my GP and he ordered the lab reports and will see me this week. Now that I am alone I feel much more vulnerable and if this is what I can expect in the future I don't want any of it. Why can two doctors have 2 opinions? Do these people know anything? It is so frustrating and this problem can be potentially life threatening. Then again as I wrote previously, we are only numbers in the system. Another point is that many people tell me to get away from the house. I don't want to. After visiting cancer clinics, hospitals, doctors, imaging labs and blood draws I just want to go home. It is my safe haven. One of our local charities is having a Christmas bazaar and I am donating items. A lot of the items belonged to my wife and just going through them killed me. I saw where she had made Christmas gift lists and addresses of cards to send and it got me crying deep and for a long time. I am crying now as I write. I can never see my life turning around and I don't want it to. I just want her.
  5. I Cannot Take It Anymore

    As you may know I kept my wife at home. In the last few months she slid downhill quickly. Simple things like not finding the light switch or wanting to brush her teeth every 5 minutes or wanting the toilet every 10 minutes was frustrating. I realize now but could not imagine it at the time but her brain was misfiring - to use an awful term. I got very frustrated and lost patience at times when I had to help her over and over. I feel guilty about my lack of patience but they say (whoever they are) that it was her brain and she was not aware. This I finally understood and hoped she did not die thinking I was angry. In the last weeks I did everything for her and sat with her for hours and hoped that this was the image she remembers. But if her brain was causing this confusion maybe she didn't realize my caring for her. Its all so much unknown. If I could shed the guilt over this it would help me considerably.
  6. I Cannot Take It Anymore

    Being a hermit is not something new. I had a few friends but even going to events I usually never socialized. I like my company. My idea of bliss is sitting in my yard with a book watching my animals play. My wife used to be with me. She had her own bedroom which is the way it always was. The door is closed and I am sure there are a lot of dust bunnies under the bed. I had to in to get to the vault and that is when it hit me again. I was going to treat myself to a movie last night but never made it. I felt sick and depressed. I do love being home because it is "our" home. I have my wife's ashes on a sideboard in the dining room with at least a dozen photos around it. I talk to her daily although of late I am not saying much. It gets boring repeating the same things.
  7. I Cannot Take It Anymore

    Thank you all. It is very difficult for me. I have been a hermit (except for my wife) almost all my life. I find it difficult to go to groups or even social gatherings. When I wrote the above post I had just left my wife's bedroom and saw her slippers, handbag and clothes. I usually keep the door closed but needed something in there. I know we all say this but why her? She was beautiful and gentle and so loved by everyone. I never heard her say a bad thing against anyone. And although I wrote in my first post that we were not the ideal couple we did love each other in our own strange way perhaps. People will say that its too early to say this but I do not ever see myself in a relationship at all. I don't want to be.
  8. hello - has not been long since I lost her. but time does not heal my wounds. it is getting worse every day. I sit by myself 90% of the time and my mind is wandering back to our life together. it wasn't perfect. we stayed together because we had nowhere else to go. we fought, swore, threatened and threw things. no physical hurt just mental. as she was dying I took care of her. it was not easy and my patience wore thin. I had difficulty coping and caring but did the best I could. it was not easy. my life is gone and I don't know how much longer I can take what is left. I am not going to physically hurt myself but am sure my heart will break before long. I am in such a rut and my friends seem to be abandoning me now. they are tired of my whining. I have tried counselling but it does not do anything. I won't do drugs or alcohol. but I am so distraught I frequently feel sick. I am surprised when I awake in the morning. I just cannot do this any longer.
  9. That was a horrible experience. As I was reading I put myself in your place (which sounds strange) and could feel your stress and fear. I am not a therapist nor a counsellor (frankly unless they have experienced the same that we have they can only go by what the book says and it lacks practical experience - maybe I am wrong) but do know that when people take their own lives it is not because of someone in theirs that made them do it. I worked in a funeral home for a few years and saw some suicide victims and when talking to the family they all said that the person had their own problems (which they could not work out) and nothing to do with other people. As I said I am no expert and hope that my words may comfort you even a little bit. You will feel guilty and people will say its not your fault but you won't believe them. We do accept guilt even though it is not our fault and maybe its the way we are "wired". Try to think of better times and your baby and hopefully it will help you cope. It won't happen over night but will work itself out. I lost my wife a few months ago and I have terrible guilt feelings. She had cancer and I kept her home but it was a trying experience even with help. I keep thinking I could have done more for her or even had more patience and that makes me feel guilty. I miss her and cannot see myself living much longer. I don't want to and if I was hit by a bus I would not care. But I have 5 small loving animals who are my only family and they need me. Despite my feelings about life not living and seeing no future I do not have the guts to do anything about it but grieve.
  10. horrible guilt and shame

    I agree 100% with the third sentence. People don't just take in animals for the fun of it. They do love them and feel for them. Seems hoarders are sometimes getting a bad rap. I have a friend who has 26 rabbits. She hates to think she is a hoarder. She is not. These are rescues and all healthy and well cared for. She has the means to provide for them.
  11. horrible guilt and shame

    Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member. It hurts as much. There will always be guilt but you should not be feeling that way. You did a lot for the cat and tried your best. I know it hurts. I have lost 3 cats in the last 15 years. They were special needs animals and as much as I tried to help them sometimes I could not make it work. I lost 2 rabbits, one very recently. I am very familiar with rabbit health and tried to nurse her but failed. And I blamed myself. I have nursed cats and rabbits so I was not doing anything blindly. I felt that I had killed this rabbit and cried an awful lot. But she was sick before I tried and maybe it wasn't me,. We do all we can for our pets. We love them and they love us. And they know that we care.
  12. I lost my husband and the will to live

    I often wonder what outsiders think when we lose someone. My best friend of 40 years just stopped communicating with me as did my sister. Some people think its because they do not know what to say. I don't know. To these outsiders life goes on and I guess they expect us to as well. I prayed for my wife for 2 years and it made no difference. The night she died I prayed that God would take her so she would not suffer any longer. Ten minutes later she was gone. Coincidence? Again I don't know. Now I feel guilty that I did not cry at the time but they say grief hits people differently. I certainly am crying a lot these days and its not letting up.
  13. I lost my husband and the will to live

    I know how you feel and I often wish I was with my wife again. Please do not tell anybody in the police or medical fields that you do not want to live. They will see that as a threat to yourself and take you away for psychiatric counselling. I know that for a fact as my wife and I were both taken away and I was grilled for 6 hours. Then spent 4 days trying to get my wife home. Its hell. And living without her is hell. I don't know about prayer. I prayed every night and went to church each Sunday praying for her to get better. Didn't work. I believe that someone is out there watching us but don't know who. My only consolation now is knowing that when I die and am cremated our ashes will be placed together.
  14. Four Months Today

    Am seeing a grief counsellor but am still holding back some things I want to say. Tried a grief group but did not like it at all. Selfish maybe but I want to help my grief and not listen to 20 other people talking about their grief. I can appreciate what they are going through but handling my own is hard enough.
  15. Angry

    Not just the city but the surrounding areas as well. Being on a peninsula land is limited. Even 50 miles away land is pricey. But it is food for thought. I have tried to contact the church in England via their email address but it won't connect.