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Jay W

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  1. That was a horrible experience. As I was reading I put myself in your place (which sounds strange) and could feel your stress and fear. I am not a therapist nor a counsellor (frankly unless they have experienced the same that we have they can only go by what the book says and it lacks practical experience - maybe I am wrong) but do know that when people take their own lives it is not because of someone in theirs that made them do it. I worked in a funeral home for a few years and saw some suicide victims and when talking to the family they all said that the person had their own problems (which they could not work out) and nothing to do with other people. As I said I am no expert and hope that my words may comfort you even a little bit. You will feel guilty and people will say its not your fault but you won't believe them. We do accept guilt even though it is not our fault and maybe its the way we are "wired". Try to think of better times and your baby and hopefully it will help you cope. It won't happen over night but will work itself out. I lost my wife a few months ago and I have terrible guilt feelings. She had cancer and I kept her home but it was a trying experience even with help. I keep thinking I could have done more for her or even had more patience and that makes me feel guilty. I miss her and cannot see myself living much longer. I don't want to and if I was hit by a bus I would not care. But I have 5 small loving animals who are my only family and they need me. Despite my feelings about life not living and seeing no future I do not have the guts to do anything about it but grieve.
  2. horrible guilt and shame

    I agree 100% with the third sentence. People don't just take in animals for the fun of it. They do love them and feel for them. Seems hoarders are sometimes getting a bad rap. I have a friend who has 26 rabbits. She hates to think she is a hoarder. She is not. These are rescues and all healthy and well cared for. She has the means to provide for them.
  3. horrible guilt and shame

    Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member. It hurts as much. There will always be guilt but you should not be feeling that way. You did a lot for the cat and tried your best. I know it hurts. I have lost 3 cats in the last 15 years. They were special needs animals and as much as I tried to help them sometimes I could not make it work. I lost 2 rabbits, one very recently. I am very familiar with rabbit health and tried to nurse her but failed. And I blamed myself. I have nursed cats and rabbits so I was not doing anything blindly. I felt that I had killed this rabbit and cried an awful lot. But she was sick before I tried and maybe it wasn't me,. We do all we can for our pets. We love them and they love us. And they know that we care.
  4. I lost my husband and the will to live

    I often wonder what outsiders think when we lose someone. My best friend of 40 years just stopped communicating with me as did my sister. Some people think its because they do not know what to say. I don't know. To these outsiders life goes on and I guess they expect us to as well. I prayed for my wife for 2 years and it made no difference. The night she died I prayed that God would take her so she would not suffer any longer. Ten minutes later she was gone. Coincidence? Again I don't know. Now I feel guilty that I did not cry at the time but they say grief hits people differently. I certainly am crying a lot these days and its not letting up.
  5. I lost my husband and the will to live

    I know how you feel and I often wish I was with my wife again. Please do not tell anybody in the police or medical fields that you do not want to live. They will see that as a threat to yourself and take you away for psychiatric counselling. I know that for a fact as my wife and I were both taken away and I was grilled for 6 hours. Then spent 4 days trying to get my wife home. Its hell. And living without her is hell. I don't know about prayer. I prayed every night and went to church each Sunday praying for her to get better. Didn't work. I believe that someone is out there watching us but don't know who. My only consolation now is knowing that when I die and am cremated our ashes will be placed together.
  6. Four Months Today

    Am seeing a grief counsellor but am still holding back some things I want to say. Tried a grief group but did not like it at all. Selfish maybe but I want to help my grief and not listen to 20 other people talking about their grief. I can appreciate what they are going through but handling my own is hard enough.
  7. Angry

    Not just the city but the surrounding areas as well. Being on a peninsula land is limited. Even 50 miles away land is pricey. But it is food for thought. I have tried to contact the church in England via their email address but it won't connect.
  8. Angry

    Your idea is wonderful but sadly where I live land is almost non-existent and very pricey. A standard city lot of 60x100 feet sells for anywhere from $700,000 to almost a million. I am serious. One thing I am seriously considering is having my wife's ashes interred with her mother and father in a small churchyard in England. I have to be with her but don't know if they would permit a non-British person being interred there as well. Plus my animals.
  9. Four Months Today

    It is difficult, so difficult. The weather is changing and days are darker and shorter. I have not spoken to anyone for 24 hours. This is what loneliness does to me. I went to get groceries today, something we did together. I don't know what I need or what type so buy whatever I fancy - healthy or not. Do I care at this point. Not really but I have to be practical. I have animals that love me and need care. When my wife was sick she drank Boost. I would shop for it at this supermarket and today when I went by that aisle I started to cry. To see a grown, older man in tears must have raised questions. Same thing last night when I went to a fast food joint for a wrap. Was crying when they served me. I do not want to keep going but I will. On a more positive note, if there is one, I sent an email to the cancer clinic chief counsellor expressing my hurt in the fact that they did not care to extend their sympathies when I lost my wife. I told her that my wife was just a number. Now to keep mysek going I am going to vacuum the house.
  10. Angry

  11. Angry

    I know exactly how you feel Patti having just lost my wife. No we did not have a perfect marriage. We had arguments and said things I wish I could retract. Many times we would not talk to each other for hours. Sometimes we went to bed without saying goodnight. She was meek and a pacifist and I am the opposite. I worked in a profession where a simple mistake could have deadly consequences. As a result my personal life became almost obsessed with perfection. My wife was not perfect (nor am I) but the smallest things she did which I thought were wrong had me correcting her. I did not appreciate her when she was her as much as I do now. I suppose after 35 years of marriage not all people are warm and cuddly (like old socks they say) BUT we had each other. Whenever I was away for a few hours I would call and talk to her. She had her funny moments and was stubborn. BUT I loved her and always will. When we were taken to the hospital by the police (as I mentioned in my thread about being careful) she was abused by staff at times and I could not do anything to help her as I thought after my experience in the psych ward I was under a microscope. And when am man cannot protect his wife he feels terrible. However that is another long story which my grief counsellor suggests I forget for my own peace of mind so I won't go farther. We live in a fairly large house and people are always asking or suggesting I sell it. I won't. This is OUR house and losing her and the house means starting over which I do not want to do. I am not young, have no family but have a bunch of animals who are my babies. I cannot see myself ever getting into another relationship either because I do not want to.
  12. Be Careful

    Or as someone in our situation told a counsellor "I am not suicidal but if I got hit and killed by a bus today I would not care"
  13. Be Careful

    Not only did it affect me but also my dying wife. Because I was taken away so was she and put in the hospital under the thought that as I was "insane" she would have no care giver (me). When I was released that night I had to fight to get her home. I said nothing or did nothing although I was very upset. I waited until my wife passed and confronted my GP who signed the complaint form and he sensed my anger right away. He apologized profusely and realized he had erred. He has known me for 20 years and knew I was not the kind of person to do anything suicidal. I do not trust anyone now. I even went to another counsellor and had to sign a statement saying if I spoke of harming myself, a child, or wanted to commit an act of destruction she was forced to report it. Watch who you talk to.
  14. Be Careful

    Many persons on this Forum have stated things such as not wanting to live after their spouse has died. We almost all have. Please be careful who you say this to especially anyone such as a counsellor or a medical professional. When my wife was dying I saw a counsellor on numerous occasions. I was understandably very upset and was pouring my heart out to them. At one point I said I don't know how I could ever live without my wife. Those everyday words had the police department at my door and forcibly taking me to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Once there I was grilled by two doctors asking questions about me killing myself. It seems one of the counsellors overreacted to my comment and informed my GP and figured I was suicidal. After 4 hours of questions I was sent home. But it was traumatic in every sense. Please be careful to whom you are talking. It is unfortunate that when we want to express our grief that it can get us in trouble.
  15. Four Months Today

    To YuYu Thank you. The complete lack of compassion from the cancer clinic and the hospice does hurt. One small word would have helped. As to hospice the palliative care nurses were good and they visited every day. My wife died at home. But having seen all of the nursing staff over that time I was surprised that only 2 showed me compassion.\ Francine Thank you for your caring response. I don't know if I am a religious person but do feel spirituality having experienced that when I lost a beloved animal. Two weeks ago a lone eagle twice circled my back yard where I was sitting. It was at tree top height. I tried to follow it to the front but lost sight of it. We have a lot of eagles in this area but they normally fly much higher and in pairs. I told myself it was my wife checking on me. It gave me some elation. Today I asked myself what would I want if the situation was reversed. I thought I would not want my wife being sad to the point where I am now, and to enjoy her life. That is what I would want her to do and be happy. And I am certain that is what she wants but whenever I do feel upbeat I get upset with myself because I feel as if I am deserting her. This whole grief thing is very confusing and nobody really has an answer. I saw my grief counsellor today and asked her if she had ever experienced grief like this. She said no but has experienced grief. I often wonder how the counsellors can tell us what is right if hey do not know how hurt we are. Perhaps experience dealing with other patients.