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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About SusieRicky

  • Rank
    Lost my bf
  • Birthday June 19

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
  • Interests
    Piano, music, family
  • Loss Type
    My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years
  • Angel Date


  • Occupation
  • Interests
    Music, piano, family
  • Last Name
  • First Name
  • Zip
  • Country
    United Stated

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  1. BF Passed Away

    I’ve thank you for the recommendation...
  2. BF Passed Away

    KayC .. thank you for your patience and listening.. im making it through another day. I’ve been fighting a sinus infection that seems to not want to go away.. I know being alone makes it harder to get better and the stress in the body is unbelievable. I look in the mirror and ask myself.. who is the person I’m looking at.. I can see the sadness in my own eyes . The sleeplessness shows.. but I know this too will improve as time goes by..
  3. BF Passed Away

    KC i have decided that I have to move forward and live each day as they come. The tears are fewer.. the sadness is still there but I know I will be ok.. my reality knows he’s gone and he won’t ever return.. I still have those moments that hit me with no notice. My holidays are going to be busy, therefore it will help tremendously. i know I have to find a remedy for his ashes.. soon. For now I put them in my closet. I will most likely wait until spring to send them off to a place to rest. there were things in our life together that was unsettled but I cannot change or get an answer from him. So I have to move forward and I am. hopefully everybody is doing better and becoming stronger every day. This has been an awakening and a life’s lesson. God put us here on earth to live and .. he also gave us a time for an ending... we must enjoy the time we have to love but know it too will end! 12/12/2017 I honestly don’t know what to say.. it’s another day but I never know what it will bring.. I do know I appreciate all the words that are shared on this forum because we all share a loss that is so indescribable to others.. As others have said.. this heartache is so different. I think I wanted this to be over and just move forward.. I’m finding that it’s not that simple because everyday is different.. a song, a smell, a picture ... anything that had to do with your life together can trigger tears and make you want to retreat again and lovk yourself away from the world.. Todsy I walked out my apartment door and as I was walking down the hall I saw a man standing against the wall across from another apartment door.. he was looking at his phone but on the floor next to the door was a opened case. I assumed he had an appointment with the person who lived there but they weren’t there yet.. I asked him “Are you waiting for somebody?” Well about that time the door opened and it was a police officicer. My eyes went down to the case on the floor and back up to the man with the phone.. in that brief look, I saw camera and lenses and other things I didn’t want to think about. I just kept walking and the man started to say something and I told him I just don’t want to know.. but I knew there was a body in there. I continued to walk to the elevator and went down to my car and sat down and cried.. all of a sudden I had a flashback of the night that Rick had passed.. all the commotion in his room. The people coming in to make sure he passed, to ready his body to be taken away and for my last hours with him alone.. then finally to be taken away. I had to talk to someone... I called a friend that didn’t answer but a cousin did.. I told her I just needed to talk a few minutes.. I had to calm myself down and needed a voice to understand and she did. After I went to get my mail and got a bite to eat, I came back and there were two people outside that door and I knew from their clothes that they were waiting for the body to be picked up and of course one of them was on the phone telling them what floor to come to.. etc. Again the flashbacks were happening.. me waiting alone for the people from the cremation place to come get his body.. I knew it was the last time I got to see him. Youre probably wondering why I told this story.. because you think your day is going good and you made it through most of the day without tears and BAM.. it changes just like that. Just like the moment they passed ... it just seems to go on and on.. but I keep telling myself... each day it will get a little different.. but I miss him more.. and nobody but those of us who have lost the loves of our lives are trying to accept the fact that they will never return and the people who think we should be “over it” or “moving on” won’t understand until it’s them that this has changed their lives forever.. Christmas Eve is 12 days away and I know I’m having a hard time and I know it’s hard for us all.... I’m going to visit family in my hometown in Indiana but I’m dreading it... a first Christmas without my Rick.. I can’t bear it..I just want to go to sleep and it be over. I can’t even begin to think about Christmas cards or buying presents.. I just feel lucky to get out of bed.. all the simple things.. how can I just keep moving on without him? Thats all for now.. I could just keep going on and on.. I have all these feelings inside of me and want to share with my kids and friends.. but like all of you.. I feel like I’ve worn out my feelings and I don’t want to be left out and alone.. which I feel so much now.
  4. One Year Later - I'm still here

    Francine, thank you for your reality of losing your Charles.. I lost my Rick just a little over 2 mos. ago and I thought I was doing so well until this Christmas season started.. the sounds of music that we loved and played.. the reminders of our time we had together last year and this is about the time we found out it was cancer that was going to take him. But we thought it would be at least 3 to 4 years before he’d leave or be healed. I preferred to not accept it. Obviously it didn’t happen.. once he started chemo and radiation, he was never going to be the same.. it just got worse every day. Then finally the day came that it was time to have hospice do their job.. well 1 week turned into over 5 weeks.. I never slept at home until I watched them take his body away. Today I look at our pictures and ask myself if this was real.. I see us together but Im not sure anymore... now I want to wake up from this nightmare.. our difference is I had only 2 1/2 years with him.. the man that I knew that was the real deal.. the real love and the one I wanted to spend a lifetime together.. I know.. I am thankful for the time we had and thank God for the time he gave us.. but my selfishness wanted more.. but he’s gone and I know he won’t ever come back.. and as far as finding different friends.. well I discovered that part first from divorce.. but after a death you have those that are right there with you and promise they will be there if you need them.. his friends and yours., that lasted about 3 weeks.. people go back to life as it was.. they don’t realize what you are going through is the most devastating loss you will ever have.. I wasn’t worried about all the everyday stuff like taking care of everything and being independent because I was all if that and still am.. the problem now is doing it and grieving at the same time. I have a few friends that check in with me daily still.. my children are ok but don’t know the extent of my loss.. they are all grown and have grown kids .. so our lives were not like most.. Rick and I didn’t live together either.. but we spent most of that time together.. if we weren’t together we were on the phone with each other.. we always prayed together and went to church together. But the time we were together in hospice only a very few people came to see him and no one relieved me and I was alone with him when he passed except for hospice.. even his family didn’t come to help. This has been one of the loneliest things I’ve been through and most heartbreaking.. i think you are a very brave person and may God bless you and give you the strength to keep going. This season will pass and hopefully life will bless us all and maybe friends will come around..
  5. BF Passed Away

    Kay C and KMB thank you for your kind words.. I am keeping what I have.. I even told them if they want copy of death certificate they can pay for one. I went to see my dr today for my physical. I told him I need grief counseling.. they referred me to a psychiatrist.. I though a psychologist would be sufficient or even a group but think I’ll csll this dr. Not just because of my grieving but the heartache of the family situation really has affected me too.. all of this will happen when I get back from my trip that Branson.. I’m hoping bring with family will help me back towards reality.. its so nice to have people I can communicate with on here.. you both seem to be doing pretty good..
  6. BF Passed Away

    Well today was going well.. got some things done around the house.. then I get a text from his brother.. looking for a paper from Social Security for his last 250.00 parent.. his brother is his executor.. Ricks mail went to his friends house.. well I called to see if they would mail it to his brother last week.. his wife said she’d take care of it that day.. we’ll it didn’t happen.. now it’s up to me to make sure one person sends it. I’m going back and forth with these people.. why can’t they communicate with each other? Then the church sends me something I’m not sure what it is.. it doesn’t really matter.. my problem.. from the very beginning I had to make all the decisions for Rick.. not the problem as long as long as his family doesn’t have a problem with it.. (don’t forget we are not married) from the time he got sick I’ve made decisions with him.. but now it came to the point where I couldn’t because we aren’t married.. well family doesn’t want to make decisions for him after he dies.. I’m so upset because I can’t. Well I find out that I can get him to sign a medical power if atty..which he does.. in the meantime his family wants to know where his belongings are and his truck.. but they won’t help me with more important issues.. him dying.. AND they want me to get him to put me in his checking account so I can write checks to them for him.. nice people .. right well I make the arrangements fir his cremation and his memorial service after his death.. no one in his family helps. of course they show up for the luncheon, memorial service and little gathering after the service.. how nice of them.. Now it continues.. asking me about his death certificate.. I ended up paying for the cremation.. I told them they could pay for a death certificate to get his money.. since they are relatives and his brother is executor in his will. Im mourning the man I love but I’m so done with his family.. they just seems to care about monetary things.. why wouldn’t they care about him and his after death? I live 70 miles from these people and all I want is to be left to grieve I’m sorry I just needed to get this out.. people can be so cruel.
  7. BF Passed Away

    I just had something to pop in my head... I need goals!! I’m so used to having goals.... but I feel like there are none... again my life seemed to have stopped... I know it’s grief but I cannot seem to focus.... I need help here.. I pray.. I try to keep busy...I tell myself I can do this.... but in the end.. I cannot. Breathe I tall myself... just breathe... that seems to be all I’m trying to do... and this too takes so much effort... I just want to feel his arms around me..to tell me I’ll be ok. It’s like I need HIM to tell me I’ll be ok.. I spent over 5 weeks in hospice with him comforting him till his last breath.. now I need to know he’s ok ... then let me know so I’ll be ok... I want to move on.. I want goals... but I can’t because my goal was to spend my life with him.
  8. Broken

    When it was said about a neighbor helping out when ones husband was alive but now does not.... brings to mind how it feels to be single again.. since Rick and my relationship was only 2 1/2 years it brings back those lonely times of having to do things differently.. that part is already coming to pass.. weekends spent alone because you no longer are a couple.. going places with other couples but feeling out of place because you are the only single person there.. or even worse not being invited because you are single..with this being said...that’s why I’m trying to focus on my married children and grandkids.. although it too is different. Again not being a couple there are things you don’t get invited to.. im told join a group of women doing things.. I did that... it’s a once a month thing. I am trying to join more.. but I’m giving myself time because I don’t think my way of thinking at the moment is clear or even there sometimes.. I keep asking myself.. what’s next or how can I stop thinking about him or should I and why doesn’t everybody know how I feel.. it’s only been a little over three weeks and how can the rest of the world just keep moving
  9. Broken

    Hi All, today I got out of bed.. that was a big step because I got stuck for almost 3 days.. yesterday I did a few things.. today I’m preparing for a trip to meet my brothers and sisters in law.. it seems that making myself do something helps. But I know the problem is still not accepting his passing.. it’s only been 24 days. Every night I stand in front of his picture and touch his container where his remains are..I talk to him and I cry then I pray.. we always prayed together before bed. I have to share this because I found it so sad.. I have a black chest of drawers that his picture and remains are.. well yesterday I saw these streaks going down the front of the drawers.. it was from my tears..I could not only feel the pain but now I see it. Of course I wiped them off because I hope there will be less eventually. But there seems to be a time for us to grieve and our hearts must know that eventually the pain will be different.. but for now we must feel our sorrow.. and make ourselves live.. that’s what our spouses want for us..I know my Rick would want the best for me.. thank you all... for talking. If it wasn’t for this forum, my family and others I know.. I couldn’t have made it this far... and still be sane.
  10. BF Passed Away

    Thank you KMB. Today was a little better.. but I seem to not want to get up and move or go outside or even get dressed. I did play my piano and paid some bills. I feel blessed to have been chosen but why so soon.. that’s where I’m stuck.. I know I’ll figure it out but I’m just sad.. I know this too will grow less in time. But it seems that to grow less sad means to lose part of him. And I’m not ready for that..
  11. BF Passed Away

    Thank you KMB. Its the thought of never seeing him feeling him... it almost feels like he never existed because all I see is pictures. I ask myself was it real. I know it was though.. im reading things that everyone else is going through and my pain becomes more because I can actually feel their pain. It saddens me too because it’s part of life.. and I just still don’t understand why. Im not angry with God but I don’t understand why finally I had real love and it was only a moment.. I suppose I should thank God that I did find out what it was like.. i don’t want sorrow I want happiness in the end knowing I was blessed.. I’m sure I’ll get there. Im just a person that looks for answers. The only one I can think of for now besides having had love but that I was the person God chose to take him home.
  12. BF Passed Away

    Hi KayC, I noticed my last reply. I wasn’t finished and I hit send.. for that I’m sorry. I even noticed I repeated KayC.. well I know I was having a very hard day. Today I noticed that I’m just at a place where I just can’t think anymore.. I’m trying to block everything out.. it’s been 3 weeks tonight and I feel like it’s been so much longer.. yes I need to talk to someone and it’s like nobody really cared to hear about it. Before everyone is checking in on you to make sure you are ok and then it just stopped..I’m confused because the hurt hasn’t stopped.. I’m not ready to stop talking and I need people..all week I kept busy..shopping with daughter .. lunch with a group of ladies whom are basically a support group.. which was nice. Im still not sleeping.. so I turn on the tv until I finally get a couple of hours in.. then I’m awake. When does the confusion stop? I know the hurt doesn’t.. but I understand it subsides. I’m not getting anything done at home. I retired in February and just now started retirement.. and everything doesn’t seem right. I got his ashes on Monday and got his death certificate on Friday.. which had me as his significant other. I was shocked..I guess because I made all of the arrangements.. I suppose things will possibly get back to normal now that I have the ashes and have his death certificate. If there is such a thing as normal. you can probably tell by this that I’m all over the place. That’s exacyly how I feel. I’m normally a very organized person and I honestly don’t know where to begin. So now I’m going to turn the tv back on so I won’t be thinking so much. Thank you fir listening. No I don’t take any kind of meds except what I normally have taken before.
  13. BF Passed Away

    KayCKayC, Thank You for your kind words.. now I can see why I can’t seem to complete tasks that are normally easy for me.. I find that I don’t want to stay home alone.. I’m ready to get away from the sadness.. trying to keep busy so I won’t cry so much.. yes and weekends are fir families and couple getting
  14. BF Passed Away

    Omg.. you must have been terrified .. I’m so sorry. When the love of your life dies right in front of you, You see it but you just can’t believe it. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I dint even have his ashes or death certificate but we had a memorial service. How do we go on if our minds can’t yet believe it. My bf was in hospice for over 5 weeks and I saw his body deteriorate right in front of my eyes. He had a besutiful smike and these pretty greens eyes. But by the time he died.. he didn’t look anything like I knew him.. but I thank God for the time we had those 5 weeks together.. I never left him one night. I slept with him in his hospital bed always cuddling until the last week but my cot was level with his bed and we held hands until we fell asleep.. but like you I cannot get the last breath he took....and the body that was left was not my baby. Thank you fir sharing with me.. I know God will carry us through this.. we may never stop hurting.. but we will learn to live each day the best we can. Kerp in touch here.. we lost our loves so close together..
  15. BF Passed Away

    Well I understand it will take longer than I could even imagine.. today I got a card from the hospice that took care of him. A very nice group of people .. then I talked to the social worker from there for awhile.. it seems I need to keep talking.. I do wish my mom was here to hold me. I do have friends and family to talk to but it seems like now that it’s been two weeks tomorrow, people begin to stop talking.. I understand . They cannot imagine the hurt we are going through and life just keeps moving on while ours just seemed to have stopped.. even though we go through the motions of life. I ask myself where did that time go? I just met him.. I just fell in love.. it’s not fair.. but there’s no answers .., just emptiness..