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About tessa

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    Advanced Member

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  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
    4 August 2017
  1. Hi Paperskin, I'm sorry for your loss. As it has only been a week, this is the most awful time. Your emotions would be raw. It's horrible. It's like someone has ripped our whole world out from under our feet. But it does get better. I'm up to 5.5 months. It's not as bad as it was, still not great but not as bad as it was. Try and get back into your routine. Make sure you get enough rest and try and eat. Even if you only eat a little at a time and many times. You must get food and water into you. The shock will wear off in time and it won't be this bad.
  2. Cry for an ear

    Hi, me again. Just wanted to say - have you had a look at griefshare.org See if there is a group near you that you can join
  3. Hi dankelleherr, I read your story and I don't know what to say. If only I was near where you are, I would come over and give you a big hug. Reader will her here soon with a list of places you can go to find help/support The only one I know is griefshare.org Have a look and see if you can find a group near you
  4. Cry for an ear

    Hi daddy's_sweetheart, Life is not fair, life can be cruel. Bad things happen to good people. But we are only given tests that we can pass and you will pass this too. My mother was in the same situation as you when she was your age. She lost her mother when she was 14 and her father when she was 18. A the age of 18 she had no one. No brothers/sisters, no cousins, no parents/aunts/uncles, no one in this world. She made it through. She found friends, she found her inner strength. She gave birth to us and lived to the ripe old age of 86. Are there any groups that you can join in your neighborhood. Do you play sport or music or something that you can join a team/group. Can you join a Church fellowship or some other meet-up. Some interest/activity that you can enjoy with other people so you can find a friend. It all feels hopeless now but in time, other people will move into your life. Hang in there. One day at a time. I send you and your brother a BIG HUG
  5. Hi Hills, Forgive yourself. You couldn't have done anymore than you did. You were burned out and stressed. Your father's condition was more than anyone could handle. You did your best. Guilt is part of the grieving process and I too have guilt over not doing more for my parents in their final years. But guilt serves no purpose. Do you pray or meditate? You could do a private ceremony on your own and ask for your father's forgiveness. Speak to him as if he was there with you and ask for forgiveness. Or you could forgive yourself. Before you sleep each night tell yourself "I forgive myself". Do that for however long, nights, months, years, whatever. Have you seen a therapist/counsellor? It may be helpful to talk it out with a counsellor. Sometimes we just need to tell someone to get it out of our head. You're a good person. You cared for your mother, father and sister. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive yourself.
  6. Hi NMRMO, I am so sorry for your losses. As it is only been a couple of months and a couple of days, your emotions would be raw. Time will soften the emotions. I lost my mother 5 months ago, the first few months were horrible, it's now subsided, still there but subsided. I too feel lost, scared, anxiety. I have good days and bad days. On good days, life is normal. On bad days, I'm scared of what will happen to me in the future. I don't know how to live without parents, I've had them all my life. This is something new. The way you describe the way you are feeling sounds like the way I felt a few months ago. Make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. Don't push yourself to get over it quickly. Allow the emotions to run its course.
  7. Hi NMRNO, From experience, you can't tell people not to call. I had the same situation a decade ago. Only the people that are close will understand and hear us (like your sister), the rest can't comprehend why anyone wouldn't want to talk to them on the phone. As sadandlost said, voicemail is the only way to go. You can have a message saying something like you are not taking calls at this time. They shouldn't be offended as it is not personal, it is to all calls. I ended up dealing with it by disconnecting my phone. It got to the stage where I felt like I was being "hunted" by the callers so I changed numbers.
  8. I found an article, an interesting read. It's about secondary loss. " when we lose someone we love we don’t just lose them (and that alone would be significant, of course) but we lose every single part of our lives that was tied and associated to them " http://www.griefincommon.com/blog/why-grief-is-so-hard-lasts-so-long/
  9. Hi sarahjayneraff, I lost my mother 5 months ago and I am also experiencing anxiety on and off. With acid reflux, I had that or something similar a few years ago. The doctor gave me pills but I didn't take them. Instead, I cut down my coffee intake. I was a coffee addict. The acid reflux went away on it's own. Coffee is acidic. You can try to cut down on acidic foods and increase you intake of alkaline foods. Panic attacks - try breathing. Close your eyes and follow your breath in and out. That calms me down. Anxiety - I had an episode yesterday. I kept telling myself over and over again that I had nothing to fear. It eventually subsided. I've noticed in the past 5 months that my anxiety is lessening.
  10. Hi Jordan, Back in October, I suggested you call an organization that provides support by phone I mentioned Lifeline. Have you contacted someone like that. Phone help will help you get around the fear of telling your mother. I don't know what country you are in so I can't refer you to any particular place but it's easy to google to find help by phone. Of if you have Lifeline in your country, Lifeline should have a list of places that you can get help. I phoned one of these phone places a couple of months ago when I was having a bad weekend. It helped greatly to have someone listen to me and someone who understood what I was going through. From my personal experience, friends are not useful in such situations. Because they haven't had the experience so they can't imagine what we are going through. They will listen once or twice but they have no useful advice and then they get bored with us always talking about the same thing. There is also prayer and meditation if that is your culture.
  11. Hi Jordan, Have you spoken to a counsellor/psychologist. If you are in USA, there is https://www.griefshare.org/ I have found talking to friends didn't help me as they have never had the experience so they don't know what to say. I know a lot of people who lost a parent/s when they were very young. One lost her mother when she was 4, another lost her mother when she was 12. Another was given to an orphanage as a baby. They all grew up OK. My mother lost her mother when she was about 12. She then lost her father when she was 18. She had no one left at the age of 18, no parents, no siblings, no aunts/uncles, no cousins. No one. She made it through life OK, others entered her life to make up for family she didn't have. Other people will move into your life when you allow them to, especially at your young age. They will fill the hole left by the ones we lost. But you need to open up to someone to help you get a perspective on the situation. Someone who can help you understand, help you think straight. This is either someone who has been through it and gotten through or a professional like a counsellor or psychologist. Someone who knows the condition and is skilled to guide you out of it. Keeping it bottled in can lead to depression. All the best
  12. Hi memyselfi, I hear ya. I have been through my list of friends phone numbers over and over again and there is no one out there to talk to about this loss. It's a lone journey. I hear ya about your high-maintenance friend. Friends are all busy living their own lives. Some don't know what to say to comfort us, others don't even care, they are just in it for the good times. I hear ya about not wanting to get out of bed. I feel like it's ground hog day. Everyday I get up and I work but I'm only working because there is nothing else to do that I want to do. I don't know what I'm working for, just working to kill time. I went to bed early on New Year's Eve deliberately. I used to stay up til midnight watching the fireworks with my mom. But mom is gone now so I want to bed early to forget. All these things I used to do with mom that I no longer want to do because she is not here to do it with. Sometimes I get anxiety attacks, fear that I have to live for another 30 or whatever years. It's torture. Then there are days when I forget and it's OK again but the OK days are temporary. I sooooo miss my parents. We were lucky to have parents. I am grateful for the decades I had them. I'm sorry for your loss.
  13. Hi Aryea, I'm sorry you cannot be with your dad this holidays. Have you tried phoning him. A phone call is not the same as face to face but it can be a good substitute if you cannot be with him.
  14. PS - there is a website at https://www.griefshare.org/ where you can find a group for support if you live in USA Australians can phone grief line for phone counselling http://griefline.org.au/phone-counselling/
  15. Hi Lena765, have you phoned your siblings. They may be feeling the same way as you and missing you terribly. Use the phone to keep in touch with your brothers/sisters. You are young and this is a rough trip but you also have a lot of time in this world to make friends and find people who care about you. In time you will find a partner who cares for you and/or close friends. Your siblings will grow up and could become your best friends. It feels horribly right now but time will make it better. Also, have you phoned your grand parents. They are likely to also be hit hard by the loss of their daughter. I'm sending a big hug to you XOXOX