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TeddTodd

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About TeddTodd

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    5 June 2017
  1. Four Months Today

    I am sorry. We still have this mentality that man is to be strong. But when it comes to lossing your other half, is doesn't matter which side. We feel the same sadness, loneliness... To live my life, yes but for me the sadness part is when I think about what he is missing. I have so much things that I wanted to show him. I have so much planned for him... now he is not here. But of coz, he is now in paradise with God and that's better then being with me? It has to be & that what I try to comfort myself. Until I catch up with him in heaven.
  2. When does it get easier? Stress after death

    Dear Sasha35, i hear you and feel for very much for you. My dear had heart attack about 4 mths ago at the age of 48 and I am 37. When does it get better?? That will depend on individual but it will get better. As we all say, take one day at a time but as you have so much on your plate. Maybe is a good thing to write a to do list and kept referring to that, that's what I did to make sure I have space to mourn while I managed to keep things around me going. I wish things are easier for all of us. Hugs.. and be strong which I think you are but do cry when you need to. That what I did too.
  3. The best explanation so far

    Any dimension - I will go and look for him. Just as long as I can see him again. I am trying to pick myself up and not because I start to love myself but because I love him and I knew he will want me to be able to live a life. Is going to be hard without him (and he would want to be here with me) but I know he is in my heart and may not be here physically but he is here spiritually. I want to be able to look in his eyes when I meet him again that I have made him proud. Is not an easy riding on this lonely roller coaster ride. I missed him everyday single min. It been 4 mths since he passed and I know I will still have a many more crying. Looking at the photos with his smiles....
  4. Be Careful

    I was with the doctor for my sleeping pills. He asked questions and his last question was - "do you have any desire to hurt yourself or suicidal thought in anyway?" I gave him a big pause before replying - "suicidal? no but I think about living my life in a very unhealthy so I can die faster is that count." The doctor found my reply acceptable and gave me a bunch of sleeping pills. The doctor was actually the one who gave me the thought that I have never thought off. I did feel like dying but "suicidal" never actually cross my mind until the doctor asked me.
  5. I lost my husband and the will to live

    Yes that is so true. Today, I was talking to a friend and about to mention about Todd, I have not even actually said his name. The friend quickly cut the conversation "change topic". People around us think that the best way for us to end our grief is "get over him" and "don't talk abt him" . Sometime I wish I can just response back to them "wait until is your turn and you can come and look for me because I will be the one of the few friends to who how to be a friend in needs" but of coz I cannt do that. That's will be so nasty. I feel so sad that as day goes by, people will be talking less and less about him and even avoid mentioning his name just as if he did not exist. "Out of sight, out of mind." I will still be talking to him in my head, in my heart and in my dream.
  6. Two Months...

    KMB, Your wise words really hit me. My dear had heart attack and passed away in June, I was asking him to go for check-up just one week prior and I will be there with him so he won't be alone. He refused and told me that he felt fine, there is nothing wrong with him. I blamed myself so much but I know the only would be dragging him to the hospital. But we loved them so much that we tend to let them go with what their wishes. We just want them to be happy and have their own way and maybe that is something that we loved about them... being stubborn.....
  7. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    I have not manage to watch any movie or even manage to finish any song since... just turn to news all day. I cannt take the pain when I watch movie. We were having such a good time watching our favorite movies together and he was singing all the time as we walked New York City together. I cannt watch movie with New York scenes, it just reminded me so much of him.
  8. my younger brother...

    Dear Blue-2017, I have lost my loved one to heart attack 4 mths ago too. He has elder sister just like you. We talked about him and she shared their childhood memories. is sad how one beautiful life who had so much future ahead of them can be taken away so quickly. We will forever miss him.
  9. Bad day

    I am sorry too Is ok just cry... I did the same. I don't care people around us won't understand. But we do.... just cry because we need to. And you will feel a little better.
  10. Struggling

    Hi Patti14, Take a deep breath... that's what I do all the time when I choke for him. And write about your feeling, it helps really. I just typed and typed on my computer.. I was told my grief counselor and it did help.
  11. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    I know this will sound crazy but that is sometime how I comfort myself. I won't be able to bear to see him in this stage that I am in either - full of sorrow and loneliness. I want him to be happy (he had a great holiday week with me before he passed away, no sign nothing) and so if I have to bear this pain as the one who is being left behind. I will take it. 1,000years on earth is 1 year in heaven which meant he will see me in less then an hr for him. It is a torture for me but I will take it for him. I will have faith, belief and pray. Hopefully it won't be too long.
  12. Hi KayC, hopefully you get the computer back soon. I just think you could advise me. My boyfriend also passed away with heart attack, I wasn't there but I think I am really stuck on this. I kept wondering if it was painful for him or his did he feel anything at that point of time. I talked to a friend doctor and she said heart attack is the best way to die and if you talk to most doctor this will be what we choose too - minimum pain and quick. I kept googling every morning every night abt heart attack but nothing about the moment itself. Sorry if I do bring up bad memories or stir up something. I just felt every words of advice here that you made is so understanding and logical. I was told by his mom that it should have happened so quickly because he did not even have time to take off his bike helmet. (He had heart attack after a bike ride.) I just want to know if someone with heart attack - it is really true that is all quick and minimum pain? Or should I just let it go as as his mom told me, sometime is better left unanswered and have your own conclusion. His son told his grand mom that dad must have went quick, and abt the helmet thing. Dad probably had what is called widowmaker heart attack. 

    1. KayC

      KayC

      Compared to cancer and other long term things it is quick.  George was in the hospital being worked on so it wasn't quick or easy for him.  Had he gone at home it probably would have been easier.  Some even go in their sleep.  That'd be my choice.

      You can eat yourself up with this though.  He is out of his pain now so that is the good thing.  Now it's us suffering.  I'm personally glad George didn't outlive me, I wouldn't want him going through this.

    2. TeddTodd

      TeddTodd

      Thank you KayC. Yes I do not want him to be the one left behind. I don't want him to feel this pain that I have. Thank you again for your reply. I will try to let this go. 

  13. Bad day

    I longed for some sign that he is ok too. But then I kept reading the Bible again and again. There won't be any sign because he is (and all of loved ones ) resting in peace in paradise in Lord arms.. they are sleeping. That is a bittersweet comfort but I know I will meet him in heaven. I will be patience so I will be with him.
  14. Bad day

    Everyday I wake up, looking into the blank ceiling thinking of him and every moment I just cannt stop thinking of him. When is time to sleep - was him who turn of the light every night. I cannt even bother to switch off the light to sleep. Because is not me to do it!! Yes I wish I can just turn back time and able to cuddle in his arms again. This is so sad for all of us that we only have it in our memories. Every night I speak to God and pray, pls don't let me be here for too long just take me. I just don't want to get out of this grief at time as I think maybe if I grief hard enough my heart will just give up on me. That will be so great!
  15. Lost my soulmate

    Hi Lulu, I am also introvert and we will keep oscillating btw going and not going. Grief therapy that you are going is private so that is work for us. I did went to Church Grief counselling and it felt so much better to be able to talk to someone. For me able to talk to Church grief counselor did help. I dont think she fully get the intensity of the pain but she understand and did not fully but she listened and at the end of the session, she gave me some pointers which helped me tremendously. You know what, if you dont feel that you have enough courage this week, you can re-schedule and keep trying.
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