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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Paluka

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    My wife
  • Angel Date
    September 14, 2017

Recent Profile Visitors

133 profile views
  1. Don't know what to say

    Mirror image here KavitaHubby. This is me. I can feel exhausted and still lay in the bed awake. I used to feel happy and content when we were snuggled up together. Now, I can't get comfortable; not without Lauri and I snuggled up together.
  2. Don't know what to say

    Weekend for me too. My son has a show choir performance tonight. She loved going to these. It’s so hard to go without Lauri. Times like these bring the pain out more than usual. I hate it.
  3. I'm Struggling please help !!

    Ritchie, i sent you a message that I hope will help.
  4. acceptance?

    Walker67, You have my heart-felt sympathies for what you are going through. There is no way to properly describe how much any of us hurt. You, me and all of us and other places are struggling beyond measure. It has been three months today since I tried using CPR to bring her back. I am sure you are still in shock. It is traumatic and sometimes I think I am still in shock. I have often wanted to just drink until there was no more pain but I am worried about the consequences of doing so. I have cursed God, other people and raged against everything. The one person I want...well, she is not coming back no matter how much I cry, get angry, wish or pray. It is all very unfair. If I drink a lot there is no telling what I might do. I dream of her dying almost every night since Thanksgiving Day. This is painful and not what I want to remember about her. I try to hold on to good memories. I do not believe God takes people away from us. I have had people tell me it was "just her time" and that "God needed another angel" or that she had learned what she needed to learn. As human beings we have Free Will and sometimes this may result in accidents, illnesses or other things that we simply cannot survive. I refuse to believe that God took my precious Lauri because He decided it was time for her to go or time for me to feel the worse pain in my lifetime. No offense to anyone who believes otherwise. We all have our differences in personal beliefs. Frankly, trying to make sense out of this will drive me insane. Painful and significant losses happen to everyone. My job at this time is to keep moving forward. My son is a senior in high school so I'm going to do whatever it takes to help him get through this and to move on to college. I place my needs behind his. I do still pray multiple times a day and attend church at least one a week. I pray for Lauri's family members (even the one's who try to blame me) and for me and my son to grab some sense of peace a little each day. I view myself as a protector. At first I felt like I failed her because I could not save her. The truth is that no one could have saved her. She would not have been able to handle it if I died first. We had actually discussed this so I am left here to take the pain for both of us. When I get especially sad or angry I try to remember that my pain is my way of protecting her. It is what I want to do for her. It is an act of love. If she were alive today and I had the chance to protect her from pain like this I would do so without hesitation. I hope some of this makes sense. I wish you relief and clarity. It will certainly take time and action to move forward. I figure as long as I am breathing I will do my best to honor and protect her. Take care.
  5. One Year Later - I'm still here

    Francine, It is 3 months today for me. THANK YOU for being here. You and many others have helped me. It gives me hope that I can move forward while loving and respecting Lauri. I have not posted too much lately because everything is just so much to process sometimes. Things have been sort of rough since Thanksgiving. God Bless You!
  6. Take down pictures? This is not a bad break up. This is not a manner of going "no contact" with someone who is living. I do not know your sponsor but I will say that perhaps because addiction took his life that this somehow diminishes the significance of your loss? I do not know but it certainly seems to me that there are people around many of us that try to invalidate the relationships we had with our loved ones. I'm not 100% clear if this is because of their discomfort with the loss or because they are too immature to realize that one can grieve and be respectful of others (including the ones who have passed). It seems family blames us, tries to destroy us or discards us. It is completely wrong. Everyone grieves differently so go to your support group. Listen to their experiences and take your time. Lauri's pictures are everywhere and they will not be coming down. You and I both will know the right time. Sorry, this is a touchy subject to me and telling someone how they should feel or act is nonsense. I wish healing and clarity during this time.
  7. Michal, I blamed myself for not doing more at the time of my wife's death. I felt guilty and blamed myself. It was suggested to me that I did the very best I could have done at the time and with the information I had. I regret not doing more because hindsight is 20/20. I really did the best I could at that time. These are platitudes. I mean this and believe it. I would also say to you that had you actually known this was going to happen you would have certainly acted differently. I know this hurts beyond measure. I feel it daily as you do. However, you had a valid reason to be upset with him and not bailing him out is a traditional approach. It was not the wrong choice. It was the choice you made based on his history and your experience with him. He made some unhealthy choices that ultimately resulted in his death. I honestly hate this for you. It is tremendously difficult without clobbering yourself. We can all look back and think "what if I had gone left instead of right?" Should I have recognized the difference in this over that?" It is simply impossible to know everything at all times. It is also impossible to make well-informed decisions when the person we love places us in an impossible position where we do not have a full understanding of what is going on. I know that you will replay that night over and over again. No one can force you to change your perspective. All I am saying is that by recognizing my human limitations it has helped me to see my situation for what it was at the time. It's tough. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
  8. Appreciating little joys.

    I really try hard to appreciate things. I really do. It's so difficult for me to see past myself right now. I miss her so much. No dreams of her and sometimes it just feels like it was all a dream.
  9. Just lost my boyfriend

    Nickole, First, I am very sorry that you are going through this. This is the most significant and stressful experience we can have. Go easy. I can relate to your feelings about the trauma of finding him and trying to use CPR to bring him back. I experienced the same (including the paramedics). I try not to let the images of Lauri being unresponsive enter my mind but I'm afraid these images are burned in deep. One of the things I do that helps me to think of her in a better way is to watch videos of her and us. These videos do cause me to cry but I also smile a little. It's relentless. I would talk to anyone (like the car dealership) about current circumstances. I have had to deal with a lot of financial issues since Lauri died. Some people will be all business and may not care. However, I have found many more companies to be very reasonable. It's difficult to reach out and talk about things but it was worth it for me. I offer my prayers and healing thoughts to you. I am sorry that you have joined us here. Please keep posting and reading.
  10. Lost my new wife

    Perfalcon, There are really no words. I am very sorry you and your wife were robbed of the hopes and dreams for your future. My wife, Lauri, died 5 days after we were married. I do not know what caused her death. She died September 14, 2017. The funeral was brutal. Some days are still brutal. I have found that some things ring true for me from others. It IS unfair. No matter how we view things it simply is not supposed to be this way. It is very hard to reconcile this for me. Every breakdown I have had takes me a little farther into my grief but in a healthy way. For example, I was in Home Depot Sunday. The Christmas music got to be. I went home and sobbed for hours. I am okay with this happening. It hurts like crazy but on the other side of it I feel like I am taking another step (may be just an inch) towards a different life. So far I think about her all the time. I doubt this will change much. I have to cut this short because I have a meeting. I want to say to give yourself the time you need. Embrace the pain because the more we avoid it the harder the grieving process. This is what I had to do at least. Love and prayer for you my friend.
  11. Lost my world last Friday

    Lovingstill, i am so very sorry. I also lost my beloved suddenly and unexpectedly. It was 10 weeks yesterday. I do not know her cause of death at this point either. They are narrowing it down but nothing particularly clear yet. Not knowing, for me at least, has been torture. However, it doesn’t change the ultimate outcome and pain. I truly wish I had some words that would help but I don’t. I have checked in with the coroner every two weeks so that my wife’s case would stay important. It helps things move along. I am polite and genuine with him. Stay in contact. Other than this I explored every possible cause of death based on what I knew at the time. It’s something I needed to do. As they get closer to figuring things out I check off something it could not have been. hang in there. Let others help you. Keep moving and try not to isolate yourself. Much love over and healing to you!
  12. Holidays ..... sigh

    I am very sorry about your husband and everything you and your son are going through. There are no words to adequately express my sorrow and your pain. As someone who’s MIL is as toxic as they come I had to break off any contact with her and Lauri’s father. Frankly, she caused Lauri (my wife) much pain during life and she looks to blame me and cause me pain after Lauri’s death. I may feel ripped to pieces at losing Lauri but I will not be kicked, belittled or mistreated. Anyone who is not respectful due to their own viciousness will never be allowed to be a part of my life. You do what you think is right for you and your son. Trust your instincts and, if you pray, pray. I wish you peace and healing during such a difficult time.
  13. Will it ever get better?

    Teddi, I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. I think that grief tends to compound itself; that is, multiple losses can create an even greater sense of pain. I know for me it creates a reliving of prior deaths. It can feel so overwhelming, brutal, relentless, etc. There are no accurate words. All I know for sure it that it's painful and we do lose them every day. Every day I live is another day without Lauri. I do not want it to be this way but I have no choice. Sometimes it feels like we were together a lifetime ago but other times I fall apart. Please be careful and be gentle with yourself. People told me this and it is definitely needed. I am a problem-solver and there is no quick fix or any type of solution to this other than to live each day the best we can. God Bless You.
  14. Don't know what to say

    I have found myself sitting on the sofa thinking, zoning out at times or reading. I'll look up at the clock and it's midnight. It is very unhealthy for me to do this so I have been trying to other things even if they do not bring me pleasure. Pleasure is not my goal. My goal is to not be board or alone too much because it is overwhelming for me. I would rather spend this time as I used to do (with Lauri). Unfortunately, those days are over and it sucks. I still cry often but I have found relief in prayer and in talking to Lauri. For what it's worth, I am happy to be always identified with Lauri. However, some day, I hope that I am defined by the beauty of our loving relationship. I do not want to live my life as I feel now; like I have a heavy anchor of pain always sitting on top of me. I have no idea if I can somehow get to the point where things are different. I will do my best as I honor Lauri and attempt to get to a new normal.
  15. Lost and Alone

    I’m very sorry about your husband. My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 8 weeks and 1 day ago. I do not know the cause of her death at this time. i have recently learned that the trauma of sudden and unexpected death tends to leave us (me) especially vulnerable and disoriented. No matter whether his death was sudden or anticipated it’s heartbreaking and miserable. For me, Lauri’s death has left me lost, confused and still crying daily. Trying to make sense of it will drive you crazy. A friend of mine reached out to me after he found out about my beloved’s death. His wife died in a car accident 7 years ago. He always tells me to “keep leaning forward.” I do not have a choice but to try to keep moving forward. I wish there was some clear ending we could point to but there is no such thing. It is a moment, hour, day at a time. Be gentle with yourself. None of this is fair or right or just. I can’t tell you the number of times I have been crying and think “it’s not supposed to be this way!” All of the grief books make logical sense but they are not a help this early on. My emotions are entirely too raw; It feels like I’m walking neck-deep in oatmeal. Keep reading posts here and do your best to take care of your basic needs. It helps me. Again, I am very sorry. I know you are in pain that cannot be described and it is relentless. Just breathe.