Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Paluka

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    My wife
  • Angel Date
    September 14, 2017

Recent Profile Visitors

63 profile views
  1. This hurts so much

    Sorry. I don’t know how any of us are doing this. It’s inadequate to try to describe it in words. I keep wondering “what now?” It’s a question I don’t think I’ll answer any time soon. We all hate this. Keep trudging along.
  2. This hurts so much

    Thanks for responding. I didn't think I was losing it. I started to dismiss it as simply my memory playing tricks on me but I know she was there somehow. I miss her so much.
  3. Broken

    I see no way that we'll forget about them. It is just NOT possible. The pain of losing them may evolve but this pain has forever etched the loss of Lauri into my soul.
  4. Bad day

    I usually say "do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?"
  5. This hurts so much

    When my alarm clocks went off this morning I could have sworn Lauri was in the bed with me. I asked her to turn them off. I rolled over to snuggle up with her and she was gone. I felt her warmth but started crying when she was not there. Then I thought “she could have been here” so I started talking to her. Has anyone had a similar experience?
  6. Social Isolation

    I understand this. I reached out to someone yesterday and they were there for me. They were just waiting for me to call them. I was surprised by this but it was so welcome in my time of need. There are some who abandon for a variety of reasons. Perhaps some need us to reach out to them first and others prefer that we don’t. I’m going to test this belief by reaching out repeatedly.
  7. Anniversary

    Now is not the time to be considering such a proposition. I am only 50 and with my family's genetics I will probably live another 40 years or more. Our focus needs to be on healing and surviving. Any one of us may choose to never be with anyone else and that is fine. However, I do not see the need to consider a life alone when we are so new and our wounds cause us enough pain. My only goal is to help my son continue with his life and for both of us to heal. I have no desire to be with anyone but Lauri.
  8. Don't know what to say

    I am not sure if this would work but if you block those "family" members who are posting horrible things won't there comments and posts disappear? I would think that if you did this then you could go to her page without seeing all the hostility. BTW, I sincerely hope you try to get back to your grief counselor. I literally HATE going to see mine but he helps even if I don't want to see him. He knows what I'm going through and gets me lined up correctly each week.
  9. Broken

    This is true if we engage in all of the "what if" thinking. I know one thing for sure that I am grateful for today. If Lauri did die from some sort arrhythmia (as I suspect) I am grateful I was not able to revive her or save her. This may sound terrible. Believe me, I did everything within my power and ability to do so. The truth is that if I had been successful she would have severe brain damage due to lack of oxygen to her brain. She would have hated to live like this. I wouldn't have wanted to put her through such a difficult existence. No matter how much I miss her that would have been wrong.
  10. Broken

    I don’t have an official cause of death yet. The coroner told me yesterday that he is waiting on the toxicology report and he would call me. When I look back at how she was doing it seems pretty likely that Lauri had some type of cardiac arrhythmia or cardiac event. I do feel terrible because I wish I would have realized what was really going on. In hindsight it all seems very clear what was happening but I didn’t know. I’ve also realized that she may have kept some of what was going on to herself. She never wanted to be “a burden.” She and I both thought she had a panic attack. While I did not realize what was going on I wish I had that day to do over again.
  11. Bad day

    I agree. Like I said I made it for 10 minutes the first time I went. Before that I was just walking (and crying) in my neighborhood. I’ll cheer you on. Keep in mind we used to workout 4 days a week together and I did two more days by myself. I’m no where near “normal” for me but I don’t think I’ll go back to working out like that again. Right now, I’m surviving. I hope to have more balance in my future life. Take one small step with no expectations.
  12. Lost my soulmate

    I am so very sorry to see your post. I am sorry that your husband and soulmate died. We are members of the club nobody wants to join. You are already being strong by still living. I know it’s brutal and unrelenting. Most people have no clue what wego through. Have you tried to find a grief support group or a grief counselor? Be gentle with yourself. I have learned that keeping going until we can figure out the “new normal” is crucial. There is no getting over this. It’s about learning to move forward a day at a time. It will be 5 weeks for me in a couple of days. I still cry every day. My wife died suddenly and unexpectedly as well. There are others here that will offer more experience than I have. There are some great people here. They have helped me keep moving. We know how you feel. Again, I know it’s so hard but you are not alone.
  13. Don't know what to say

    I think I get it. Thank you.
  14. Don't know what to say

    How do you mean it’s different? Curious.
  15. Bad day

    I’m trying as hard as I can. I went to the gym last night with my son. Everywhere I looked in the gym I had memories of Lauri doing some form of exercise with my help. It’s so hard to go there anymore but I don’t want to change gyms. When my son and I finished I fell apart outside. I was sobbing with my 17 y/o son crying as well. We talked about Lauri and he misses her. Progress with grief monster inside is difficult to see because of the nonstop pain and sense of loss. Thank you for your support. I appreciate what you write. You help me.