Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Fruitloop60

  1. Hey, ...I'm dying of cancer and I just want to let nature takes its course. I've had cancer for 18 years; Breast 2000, 2002, 2004, Cervical 2002, Lung 2009, Squamous Cell skin and Melanoma of the skin in May of this year and now - Melanoma of my eye! I've had 9 surgeries, chemo and radiation both twice and god knows how many other tests and procedures. And, I'm done. I don't want anymore. My overall heath is poor, including CKD (kidney disease) that is close to the dialysis stage, which I also am refusing. I even had a heart attack recently no one invited me to. I'm so used to pain I just ignored it. I don't want anymore specialists or tests. As it is, taking care of myself is hard work enough. I live alone (with my cat). I'm "low income" poor. I have kids but one's too busy and the other is abusive. I feel like I can't die soon enough for my family. They've heard about my cancers for 18 years and they're as tired of it as I am (or maybe more). I fought before because my daughter was just 5 when it started and I had to raise her alone. Well, now she's 23, graduated from college and barely gives me the time of day. All I want now is to be free to enjoy what I can before I lose all of my vision and then, my life (here). I firmly believe there is something after this existence so I have never feared death. I just have to convince these money hungry doctors to get me Palliative care and Hospice. Then, I'll just paint and watch cable and take it easy. Anyone where I am? Probably not many because first - I know I'm different from others and second because so many people are scared to death to die, which I don't understand. Dying is inevitable; no visitors return from the undiscovered country (Shakespeare) but, it is also as natural as the birth life begins with. Yeah, I don't like pain but, death is a 1:1 proposition. And, I'm dying to see what is beyond, my boldness is not weakened by fear.
  2. Yes, ALL my docs are aware and they put me in Palliative care. Of course being doctors they'd still love making a buck off me for Surgery or Chemo. I'm already in counseling and my kids, unfortunately are a loss, and I have to live with the knowledge of that.
  3. So so angry

    Dear So Angry - I understand. After I got very sick, after my 4th episode of cancer, my son forced me to come live with him. He really only wanted my money, he didn't care about me. Over the next 11 years, under the guise of taking care of me, he stole all my money, made me his prisoner and nearly killed me with his abuse. My daughter in law looked the other way, as did my 2 granddaughters. They were afraid of him and his abuse. He's my son and I've tried so hard to love him and to teach him how to be a decent human being but, on his 38th birthday, I resigned that position and moved 3 hrs away. Now, it's been almost a year and my health has gotten much worse. I'm probably going to die soon from malignant melanoma, alone. I'm dirt poor and live in a place they call the "Green Ghetto". I can't even afford a car - he trashed mine and never replaced it. Often I hope if Hell exists that he go there when he dies. I had to leave my hometown and I can't see my youngest granddaughter because of this. They don't even have buses here. Last winter was cold, lonely and hard. Everyone who knows my son know he is abusive and aggressive and most are afraid of him. But, none of them knew how bad it really was. How do you tell people your own son is abusing you? It's not easy. Eventually, I did it but, it remains a "family secret" among my brother and sisters, as far as I know. My family has a history of denial about our abusive male members. I've never understood it and cannot agree but, they've always ignored me. I am not like them and if nothing else - I'm glad about that. I do know if my son finds out I may be terminal now - he'll pretend to care but, I'm not falling for it. Like his father, who was also abusive - Karma will serve him what he deserves. I did my best as his mother, I went far beyond what most would have done so, I feel no guilt. There is one thing I do do and that is if I ever see or suspect anyone abusing a woman or child - I always intervene. I call 911, I'll get in between and I'd risk everything if need be. I do not deny or look away. I do for others what should have been done for me. If I had the time or energy or resources, I'd work as a volunteer for abused women. But, think of me as Batman - always roaming the streets to help, when needed. That maybe the best I (we) can do. For now. Karma will work; I've seen it. What goes around will come around to them (the abusers) and it will bite them in the ass! My son is a narcissistic sociopath and will never be anything different. We can't change people like that, only stop them or control the damage. After that - he's God's problem.