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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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Loaded12345

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About Loaded12345

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  1. It comes in waves

    Today is 4 weeks since the last time I spoke to my wife. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since she has been gone. Funeral services are done that was the day it all seemed so final. Her birthday is coming up we will have a party it is her 40th after all celebration of life for friends and family who couldn't make the trip to the funeral. I'm back at work it takes so much to make it through one day I see how people lose so much after the loss of a spouse. The energy it takes to be around people is immense much less to function productively. I have so much to lose that we have worked so hard to achieve. The mixture of emotions I feel on a daily basis is insane. How can a person be so lonely but not want to be around anyone at the same time. I've been mad at everyone for every reason yet no reason at all. Ive looked for who to blame, I've blamed myself as if you can place blame on anyone for something that was completely out of anyone's control. For a week after she passed I went numb to everything I had other things that needed my attention. I miss that numbness in a way, but it wasn't helping. I totally blocked everything to accomplish the task at hand it needed to be done for my son. After that I could see to taking care of thing for my wife. It's easy to stay focused when I have a task to focus on. I have heard how strong I am, how sorry everyone is, how if there is anything they can do, how it is good to focus on my son but I need to take time for myself. I am not the only who lost when my wife passed she was loved by so many, touched so many lives it gives me pride that she's my wife. When I say it comes in waves right now I get hit with waves of emotions from sorrow, to anger, to hope, and pretty much everything you can think of. I'm sure thing will never be the same I don't expect them to be. At times I feel like this should be easier somehow then I feel like it's been too easy already. Thanks for your time.
  2. Where to sleep on the bed?

    So I actually sleep across the bed now. I had a pillow with the last night gown she wore on it but it doesn't smell like her anymore so it's kind of off to the side now. I can't get comfortable hardly at all I have a kind sized bed and use the whole thing. So to answer the question what side of the bed the answer is the side you sleep the best on.
  3. my wife died

    I understand how you can relive every moment in your head I lost my wife of almost 12 years three weeks ago. It was sudden my world changed in a matter of 5 hours I relive those hours everyday. I question every decision I made that day, every thing the doctors did, not that it would change anything. The biggest weight I held for weeks was I alone was there for the entire thing from when we left for the ER her in an ambulance me in our truck, until the doctor was explaining to me how there was no chance to save her as another was doing chest compressions. I was alone when I had to make a decision for them to stop. I wrote my story on a forum like this it truly felt like a weight had been lifted the burden of the experience was not mine alone anymore. I don't know the people who read it they all gave me words of encouragement as I am trying for you now. Just know I now carry some of your burden to lighten the load. I guess I'm lucky in that I have to keep chugging along for my kid I have no choice. The pain from having your wife not remember who your are must be immense I can see why you feel the way you do. I feel the emptiness and loneliness as well it is hard to be at work but it's hard to be home. In February my wife and I decided to lose weight together I've lost 70 lbs since then. I have gotten back to the gym because my weight loss made her proud, I go to work because I can't imagine losing everything that we have worked so hard to get, I find strength in my memories of her and our life together, I find even more in helping our son to get through this time. We were a team, and now I feel like an army of one. I hope you can find strength in your memories of your wife, I hope you will make the connections in your life together to push on in this life now.
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