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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About sunflowerlove

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  1. My painful truth!

    Tonight, oh this very cold and lonely night for me. I sit by my computer pouring out my feelings. It's been four months since my boyfriend Scott left my side. I still can't believe he is gone. All these four months I've been battling with random sadness. The first month which was September was exhausting! I would cry every morning and night. I was reading some article it said you cry so much you run out of tears! I ran out of tears several times, its very true. The second month October, I thought I was doing better or so I thought! I was able to smile and my heart did not feel as heavy. I lasted only a week and than I started sobbing one night. I cried once or twice a week. I reread our messages, listen to his voicemails and look at his pictures and as weird as this sounds I get tired of it and fall asleep! I can't believe I get tired of looking at his stuff?! It's probably because I cry non-stop! The third month November, I did the same thing. I cried every night, looked at his things and went to sleep. I kept thinking about Christmas and I wasn't as excited for Christmas. Finally December the fourth month, I kept thinking about him during Christmas. I still cried every night, wish he was here to hug me and to tell me its going to be alright. I noticed that I didn't see him in my dreams as much. And I hate that because we can communicate through my dreams. When I dream about Scott it feels like he is still alive. I want to be the old happy person I was. I know that I won't be the same because there is an enormous wound inside my heart that only he can cure! His return is my cure, my happiness but I know it is impossible. So, here I am sad, cold and lonely wishing upon him. As I was brainstorming I thought I was going to be okay and not cry while typing. Currently, I'm wiping the tears out of my eyes because I keep thinking and remembering him. I cry in silence because I don't like telling people I'm crying for him. I do express that I miss him but crying in silence feels more comfortable. I try to find comfort, however knowing he is not around breaks me into pieces and I'm back to square one. I'm writing down the good times we had. This way I will never forget him! I have become a quirky person I like, reading Buddhist quotes, talking about ghost, talking about death, and going to spiritual stores. If a dog barks at me my first thought is Scott must be near me! HAHA, I am so ridiculous! Thank you for reading my sorrowful story! Here's a bittersweet quote I want to share with everyone: " Life asked death, "Why do people love me but hate you?" death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth""
  2. Struggling with the death of my best friend/partner

    @TheRobShow Hello! are you feeling any better?
  3. @Cutie Pie You know, I still cry like crazy too! I cried in my car for a very long time that my eyes started to hurt! Its okay, you've spent six years with your husband, I completely understand! you are broken. my boyfriend and I were together for a few months and I felt like we were married. I still think about him ever minute and second. I still don't believe my Scott is dead. I keep a journal and write down whenever I dream of him. I kept his ID, key to his house and some of his clothes. I really wish I can see, hug and kiss him once again. Sadly, through this horrible experience I learn to be kind to anyone because you never know what they are going through. I'm sorry if I'm not being helpful by distracting your mind from your sadness!
  4. Struggling with the death of my best friend/partner

    @TheRobShow I've always believed in heaven. I keep saying to myself if god is love, why am I suffering? I mean, I believe in god and all but that thoughts still lingers in my mind! I've realized I have so much free time now that Scott is gone so I been writing all my dreams about him in a journal. Again, we wonder if we had done things a different way would they still be alive? Who knows some people believe our destiny's is decided as soon as we're born. I believe if our loved one's would of spoken up about using drugs again they would still be alive. Sadly, I met Scott too late. He had already been "shooting up" for five years. Oh yeah, he was an expert at shooting that thing! By the way, you have no idea how much I hate that stupid drug heroin! How did your partner die if you don't mind me asking. If you do not want to talk about it, I completely understand!
  5. @Cutie Pie Hello! I'm sorry we meet this way but I completely understand how you feel! I wasn't married to my boyfriend who I lost on August 19, 2017 and i want to die single until I meet him again! I love him so much and miss him like crazy!! I really do not know what to do without my baby! Sounds crazy, huh? Cheer up, I know its hard. Just know that you will get to meet your love again. Try listening to music or lite a candle for him its so peaceful! I know its very very hard. Best wishes!
  6. A desperate wish...

    @Francine Hey lady! Sucks we meet this way. I just don't understand why I'm suffering so much if god is love. You know? Like, I believe in god and Jesus Christ but I want to understand why my happiness was taken away?! Although, your last three sentences, I never heard anything like that! That is so nice to hear, it made my day!
  7. Struggling with the death of my best friend/partner

    Hey Rob! Nice to meet you and its unfortunate we meet this way! I lost my boyfriend because of heroin as well. Most of the things you wrote about I can relate! I l know nothing about drugs and I was too stupid to realize my boyfriend was never clean! I'm sure you heard this so many times, but I am so sorry for your loss. It's not easy to understand a drug addict so we never understand their "pain". I agree, its tough to move on from the memories you two had but you did the best you could! Sounds like you cared so much for her! Listen, I miss Scott with all my heart and just know their is a happy world out there! One day you will meet Rachel in a much better place and you two will continue your love. Stay strong, positive and happy!
  8. A desperate wish...

    @KMB Thank you so much for your kind words! I really do hope we meet our love ones in another life or another place! Best wishes to you as well.
  9. A desperate wish...

    @KayC I really hope that's true! I will be the first one to run up to him and love him like I do now! Thanks for your comment.
  10. A desperate wish...

    @Ka9219 Thank you for your comment! I wrote this forum because I could not get him out of my mind. i felt like a crazy person nothing wanting to think about him because it breaks me down. At the same time, I wanted to think about him. I understand sometimes there's not much to say. Either way, thank you for attempting to bring my mood up. I really do hope his soul is with me!
  11. A desperate wish...

    @M88 Thank you for your comment! I'm glad to hear I brought a smile to your face! I'm looking forward to the day I can smile while thinking about him. I felt a wave of sadness yesterday so I decided to write a forum about my man. I'm trying to think as positive as I can but I know he is no longer here and it tears me into pieces. Again, thank you for the nice comment!
  12. A desperate wish...

    I was a normal quiet girl before I met him. I hadn't dated anyone since 2011 nor did I care or even thought about dating. I met him at work on a chilly November 2016 evening. I thought he was a strange man when I first saw him but I am a strange person myself. Up till February 2017 he was just another co-worker who I hardly notice. One day another co-worker pointed out he was a drug addict. For some reason, I paid more attention to him after that. I've always been a brave girl with no regrets. So, I went up to him and asked him if he was a drug addict. My question threw him off, he wasn't expecting it. He nod his head with a smile and answered "no". At the time I don't blame him for lying, I was just a weirdo asking him an uncomfortable question. To make it clear, he was a heroin addict and really liked cocaine, the cocaine part was told to me by someone else after he died. Around February 14 I remember he called me several times. I answered his phone call, he said to me "Happy Valentine's Day" and asked if I had any plans. I responded, " Thanks and no I don't have any plans". I hung up immediately because back then I wanted nothing to do with him. His birthday was in March, I remember he begged me to go out with him to dinner to celebrate his birthday. I felt bad and sorry for him so I agree to go with him. We chatted and I ended up buying dinner for him. For whatever reason I felt bad for this poor guy. He was far from home, lonely and was fighting his drug addiction. One night weeks after his birthday while we were at work he gave me a back hug and a kiss on the neck. God knows why but I really, really enjoyed that hug and kiss. I will never forget that day! After that night, that's when it all started. I started to care and worry for him like a lunatic. Our first kiss was on a rainy night in my car in March. I can't really remember the exact date. I never been the type of person to write things down. Maybe I thought I was going to be with him for a long time so dates weren't important. He was always very respectful and innocent, that's what I loved about him. He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do. Once we kiss, I found myself asking him for more! I had kiss several guys in the past and I knew how to tell among good kissers and bad kissers. He was indeed a bad kisser but I liked it... I always teased him and told him although he was a bad kisser I still wanted only him, only his kisses. For three months we had a good time; oh how I wish those days never went away. Of course we had our differences and a few arguments here and there but I was crazy for this guy! Like an idiot, I would run to him when he needed help. Now that he has passed away, I want to kiss him really bad. I miss him, I want to see him, I want to ask the heavens why!? I know I can't ask why but I'm just trying to understand, trying to get this awful feeling inside my heart. Wish we could of been nicer and happier with each other. The quote, " You don't know what you have till its gone", hits me very hard. Its so true now that he's gone what am I suppose to do? I never been the type to wish for things. Even when I blew my birthday candles or when we texted each other, " its 11:11 make a wish". For 24 years, I have not wished for anything until recently. Now, I find myself making just one wish, one desperate wish. A wish that I want with all my heart to come true. The wish of seeing him again. I'm not asking to die I just want to see him. I want to tell him, " how much I love him, to take care, to not worry about me and that we will be together one day". I feel as if I'm being punished or as if I been cursed. I try to believe I've been a good person with good intentions. I've spoke to several people about death, people from different religions, different countries to try to comprehend why this happened to me. Just when I thought my love life was about to be full of happiness. My happiness gets taken away... He said to me," I love you soooooo much to infinity n beyond", maybe the small, powerless me will meet him in infinity or beyond.
  13. Can't wait to see him!

    @Eagle-96 I can relate to you because when my Scott passed away which was on a Saturday at 10:45 PM. I texted him at exactly 10:45 PM asking him if he was going to sleep soon. I had no idea he was fighting for his life! I was at work and I could of visited him that day but I assumed I was going to see him on Monday. If only I had texted him before his death would him and I had closure? Or would it have been a good bye? If I would of texted him "Be strong baby, you'll be okay", since someone told me words matter would they have mattered and changed anything? You have no idea how much I wish one of those times machine things excised in real life.
  14. Can't wait to see him!

    @Eagle-96 I know its not healthy to think about the if's and what's but its hard not thinking about it! Yes, never give up! Our loved wants want to be with us but they will be patient until the time comes for us to be with them. Gosh, I hope all of that "you'll be together one day" is real because if its not than I don't know anymore.
  15. Can't wait to see him!

    @Eagle-96 Thanks you for the encouragement! At this point my mind is full of confusion. I try to think positive but its hard. I keep thinking of what could of been and if I had been there with him would things turn out different? I try to think about my future , I think how can I continue? Although he was my boyfriend for a short period of time, I say to myself, "how will i ever explain this to my kids and future husband". I rather stay single and be loyal to him because he would of done the same. Maybe I'm overthinking things right now. Everything still, seems very unbelievable. I want to think he went away for a long vacation but its not the same because he would text me all the time. I'm standing strong but the sadness is so unbearable sometimes!