Hey, I never talked to someone about this but do it here cause its the only place I thing it can be understood. I lost my Dad when I was 10 (Cancer) and my Mom with 20 in a Hospital due to Cancer treatment. I saw her die in front of me. Somehow I feel guilty of her death cause I should have act and took her out of get her into alternative therapies or healing methods (I am conscious about that other people might have other opinion about Chemotherapy and I dont want to get politic here. Its just my belief) We´ve been Expats to another country shortly before her death, so there were no closer friends and I dont have further family on that Continent (except 2 drugaddict brothers who I could not count on) and an aunt I see every 2 or 3 years. But she always owerwhelms me with grief about the loss of her sister, so I dont see her much. At that time I lived with my mother and brothers in a rented flat. But they were to stoned to do anything. I took over the leasing contract, clean the house for 3 days and sublet my mothers room to get some money and relief all our expenses a little bit. After some month I moved to an European Capital and just live life and begann to study. Somehow I feelt free and I had (and have) a really Crazy, Artistic, Dynamic unusual and unconventional Life I am very gratefull for. I felt like I can do whatever I want. No one cares. But sometimes that feeling turned into a feeling of complete loneliness and feed the dark black hole in my chest which is getting bigger and bigger over the years. I never went to therapy. I was to proud and I feel that I can handle it. Four Years ago There was another incident. I was involved by accident into a Criminal and very iolent scenario. I was beaten up, tortured, stragulated (nearly to death), not violated but sexually and psychologically abused. Due to the position these two individuals have, they do not fear legal consequences and even my lawer told me that it will be nearly impossible to act legally against them. I just continued life but needed to stop working for some month cause a rip was nearly broken. Just 3 or 4 persons knew what had happened. After a while I could speak to other friends about it cause this time I did not want to risk to keep everyting inside and consuming me. I did not went to therapy either in that case. But now, over the last 2 years I have the feeling that all these situations are getting more and more heavy on my mood. I have some kind of phases where I have a dark mood. I try to make it up. But in the last times is getting harder and harder and I ask myself if my s called strenght to try to forget everything is a covered weakness. I am observing negative minds coming up. I have always been the most optimistic person I knew. I never asked for help. One month ago the mother of my mother died (she is living at the other side of the globe, so I did saw her 3 times in my life. We had no real contact except 5 postcards we send each other) Her Husband, my grandfather passed away shortly after my Mom. I feel like all the information of my mother has erased now. I dont really know much about her past neither of the past of my father (his parents passed away when I was 1) Last night I dream about my mother. I woke up. And I could not help it. I felt so much intense pain that I cried. I covered my mounth cause I have visitors in my house and I dont want to seem am complete psycho who cries in her room. I have been abscent all the day. And its not only today. Over the last 2 Years I feel that I am just an observer. The last year i had so many projects (work, life, etc) I nearly stopped them all. I don´t have motivation. My life seems empty and meaningless although I have it all apparently (nice house, job offers, etc.) My creativity droped down. I barely come out of my house. I am always so incredibly Tired, without Energy. A lot of time I feel that I can not breathe properly or that my heart does not work well. I dont work out. I party a lot , get drunk a lot but don´t enjoy it. Everything I plan to do I cancel it. I am 0 Productive. I feel that no one can understand me. Since my mother died I had no relatioship. I am not able to see men long time cause I autosabotage myself and provoque them to go away, although we like each other. I am sad about that and feel lonley of course. So well my brain is telling me that there are solutions for all so I am searching now and try to get the why to get out of my comfortzone, called grief and take responsability over my happyness and lifemeaning. I really want to know from you how you are managing your situations. What are you doing to accept the past and allow yourself to live here and now? Any therapies which worked well on you? (I am thinking of EMDR Eyemovement Therapy, Acupunture and even of Psychotropic Therapies like Ayahuasca ) How does your loss affect your emotional relationships? How could you manage to overcome the fear of loosing someone and open yourself to persons/partners, etc?
Send you love and strenght.