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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Cela

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  1. Lost

    I'm so very sorry for your loss, there are no words really. I lost my husband of only 2.5 weeks on June 22nd suddenly and it still doesn't feel real some days. This is definitely and long and painful journey, but we "get it" here. Continue to post and share whatever you'd like. The photos you've shared are beautiful. Your fiancé looks very kind and I can see you had a beautiful love. I'm sorry to meet you here.
  2. Plans

    Thank you for sharing this advice. I'm sorry it has taken me days to respond, although I did read it soon after it was posted. I am making more of an effort to reach out and remember it is a two-way street and I've actually had some positive experiences in the last few days.
  3. Lost without my love

    Thank you very much for linking to some resources! I am starting grief counseling so I will read these and ask about it all when I meet my counselor.
  4. Lost without my love

    This is beautifully written and definitely a great perspective to have. I will keep this in mind as you make a great point.
  5. Plans

    I have not been a member of this forum particularly long, but already find it so helpful to me. I don't want to lose family or friends. I haven't intentionally pushed anybody away. I'd like to be included and I do feel sorry that by me existing as an individual now and not as a pair that I make this uncomfortableness. I guess I struggle with that most of my friends are engaged, soon to be engaged, or newly married. I think it's a tough time for me to be alone when they are literally starting the happiest periods of their lives, as should I have. @Eagle-96 what pieces of advice do you feel have best helped you maintain your relationships that you've learned from this forum?
  6. my wife died

    @bornaghostI'm very sorry for the loss of your wife. At only 23, she was far too young. I feel similarly to what you posted in that I feel like the pain is intensifying with time versus getting better. So many people say give it time, give it time, but time feels like my enemy. It hurts more with time, so far, and each day that passes if another day farther from my love. I lost my husband, together for 6 years married 2.5 weeks, just over 2 months ago. I'm sorry to have to meet you here.
  7. Lost without my love

    @LoveGolithank you for all of your kind comments always. I know you and I are walking a similar path and are both struggling. I'm sending you hugs from afar my friend! @sunflowerloveI'm sorry to hear you have similarities to my story. We are much too young for this pain. This is such a great description! Exactly, strapped in without a choice. Strapped in for terrifying falls and the upward climb. @Eagle-96thank you for sharing. Your posts are always so insightful.
  8. Plans

    Why do we think this is? Is it because people are afraid of our sadness and in their minds can't bear to think if it were to happen to them? Afraid to upset us by talking about our loves so they act like they never existed? I find it puzzling. We had a lot of friends. I'm at just over 2 months and while I still make small chat with a lot, a lot of distance now exists. Partly I'm to blame as I feel I can't relate to their lives anymore, but I wish some would come to my home and sit with me and allow me to share what I need or want to share. I don't know what I need, I don't know what to ask for, but I'm not ready to pretend that everything is fine yet so I don't seem particularly welcomed at social gatherings. I was actually part of a group message about a friends party over the weekend. I guess my one "friend" didn't realize I was part of the group thread as I had not responded to any of the messages and there were about 15 or so people involved. Anyway, she asked the group if they should invite me or not or if wanted to keep the party vibe up and further asked if they thought I would be mad if I wasn't invited. Almost immediately another friend who was the host chimed in and informed this person that I was invited and was on the thread and apologized on behalf of this other person. I simply exited the group message. The "friend" who had asked whether I should be invited has attempted to apologize and explain that she worded it poorly, etc. basically, I know I've included this long tangent but I think, at least for me, so many want to know "plans" because they want me to hurry up and be back to my previous fun self. I feel as if they want to ask how long I will be a grieving widow. When will I pull myself together and and be the old me? I find it all insensitive and horrible considering these people were OUR friends. Don't they miss my husband too? Didn't they love his friendship? It's different for them. They can't comprehend. And as I'm 25 and my husband was 32, our friends are similar ages. We shouldn't be even having to navigate these waters of losing spouses yet. They are all in the stage of marrying and starting families. Happy times and I'm a mood killer.
  9. Lost without my love

    I don't know why my font is so big in my last message. Maybe the update? Or that I wrote it out in a fury on the notes in my phone and copied it here. Sorry if the font causing any issues.
  10. Lost without my love

    I don't know if I have PTSD from the night my husband died or if is normal to have such anxiety and issues around the time I received the phone call about his accident. I had an ok day at work, as ok a day as I think I am capable of at the moment. I was good and stopped to buy a salad to have for dinner tonight. I seemed ok. Then I took our dog for a walk and she seemed like she was searching out for something, pulling me more. She is normally a very good dog on walks. It was strange for her, exhausting for me. I do feel bad that maybe I'm not the best owner currently. I love her so much and I appreciate that she forces me to be out and doing things because she needs it. Anyway, we get home and it was as if the moment I shut the front door I caught the time on the clock hanging and instantly I shriveled up into this mess on our floor. I don't know if it was the time or that I really was so strong most of today that I boiled over emotionally or what. Nights are very difficult for me. My husband met his friends, it was his one friend's birthday, that night. He normally didn't go out too much on work nights, but it was summer and he wanted to spend time with his friends as we had only just returned from our honeymoon. Just after 9pm I received a phone call from his best friend that there had been an accident. His friend was frantic and and it was almost as if he was shouting information at me. He was driving with friends behind the ambulance and wanted me to meet them at the hospital. He said in this panicked voice that he thought my husband was dying. To hear those words over the phone. I don't even know what happened. It didn't feel real. I remember shouting back asking him to slow down, to explain what he meant, to tell me again where to go. I left my home and it is a miracle that I didn't crash myself going to the hospital. It's hard now to hear that friends voice. It's hard thinking about the phone call that changed my life. But it seems that many nights around that time my body ceases to function. I can't think, breathe. I feel as if I'm suffocating by the void that is now my life. Now, as some time has passed, I'm feeling ok again, as ok as can be. Crying, but not gasping for air. It is as if I explode in this horrible grief and then my body is still for a bit. I don't know if this is normal or if there is something wrong with me, of course there is something wrong with me - half of me died over 2 months ago.
  11. Two Months...

    I could have written this myself. I'm 25 now and so I also have spent my 20s with my husband. I am just over 2 months and the pain has seemed to increase. I wish I knew what I am supposed to do now. Life feels meaningless and trivial without him.
  12. Can't wait to see him!

    @sunflowerloveI am sorry to meet you here and read about your pain. Losing a partner is a pain none of us could have imagined prior to it happening to us. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote in your letter. Often, I feel like I am merely existing on this earth waiting to die to be able to meet my love once again. I miss every fiber of his being immensely. Like you, I often write my love letters. I have filled a notebook with memories and even sketches of his face. Keep writing if you find it therapeutic. Reading here has helped me feel not so alone and has helped me not feel insane with some of my thoughts and feelings. I hope you are able to find some help here as well. Share as much or as little as you would like.
  13. Next Week

    @GhostofLight I'm sorry that you had that experience going home, but I think it was great of you that you realised that you needed to remove yourself and took care of yourself by leaving a day early. You still made the visit and that is a huge accomplishment! I think it is very difficult making small talk when internally I want to scream almost constantly. Our families cannot understand the depth of the pain we feel. Honestly, before my husband's death I could never have imagined that people could feel this much pain. I know I am guilty of saying the wrong things because I never could have known. It doesn't excuse your family for not even asking you how you are holding up. I'm sorry you felt unsupported, but I'm glad that you took care of yourself. We are here for you. Sending you hugs!
  14. Plans

    Think about the future is hard and painful. I don't think others realise just how painful of a question that is for us. Trying to think about what I may do for a possible 50+ years without my soulmate is crushing. My response to that "What are you going to do now" question is simply - I have no idea. I made plans before and in an instant they were gone with him. What is the point in planning at this point? I'll see where life takes me I guess. Summary I guess it is: What are your plans? Whatever life holds for me.
  15. first birthday

    Maybe I shouldn't respond because I haven't yet celebrated a birthday without my love, but I think if I were to have a birthday, say tomorrow, I would drive to this particular place that we loved to go when we first started dating. I think I would bring some lunch, pack my dog in the car, and go for a drive myself. Maybe bring my best friend, probably see how I feel and if I think I may need somebody else to drive for me. I think I would like to go and lay in the grass there and simply be. Feel connected to him in a place that only really has significance to us. I've seen a lot of people release balloons and such. Maybe I would write a message and send it up. I don't know, thank you for asking the question though. I am interested to see how others have handled that day.