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Everything posted by AJWCat

  1. 2 months and counting

    @sparkyn98, I am the same way. I lost my cat on a Saturday night, we were cooking dinner and he got horribly sick out of nowhere so we rushed him to an emergency vet. Two hours later we put him down. For the first couple months I would dread Saturday evening - always felt awful. I am getting better w/ time. The 12th was the day we lost him, six days after my b-day. All these things impact me now.
  2. I am glad you are doing better too. A week is still so new to loss - now that I am over five months... I don't miss the physical heartache I had day and night in those first few days. There is nothing quite like it. You will have all kinds of things that trigger Bertie memories. Almost all funny I think. @KayC thinking of Arlie, hope he's doing okay. Sending a furry prayer his way.
  3. I'm not ready.....

    I think you are right KayC. They have survival instincts when they are healthy. When they are sick or in pain, they know it. And then they are wired to hide, to sleep and to let go. I bet Ava is trying to comfort you. Sweet girl, what a love. We're all thinking of you.
  4. I talk to our cat, tell him he's loved and missed. I have a framed photo in our living room and I choose to believe his spirit is with us. My best friend even had his portrait done from a photo, Ironically, done when he was still alive, but she just gave it to me recently. He really has only been in one dream and it was very vague. I begged in to visit me in my dreams for the first couple months. Even though we were so bonded, he was pretty independent so it would be in his personality to ignore my request, haha. I think he knows that I love cats so much that we would get another one which we have. She is so cute, I like having her around for sure. But it's early and we don't have much of a bond. It seems impossible to think I will have what I had with our sweet guy but I'm okay with that.
  5. I'm not ready.....

    I agree. let her do what she feels like doing just to get out for a few moments. Good that she's eating. No matter how much time you have left, you had some good moments.
  6. 2 months and counting

    That's good. It is hard I admit. We went at about 4 months.
  7. 2 months and counting

    Hey Jackie, I am glad you posted again. Obviously not glad you are in so much pain. But coming here and sharing, telling people who care and get it has helped me so much. No one really understands or talks about this. So for that I am glad you shared. Cancer is awful and unfair. And for what it's worth I know how sad you are and I am so sorry. This really takes a lot of time to heal. There is such a physical loss when they leave us and the loss of all the wonderful rituals we had with them. I am at over 5 months now from our cat. First it was how many weeks... now "monthly anniversaries" are what I think of. We've adopted a new kitty (from our local rescue) and I love her, she's so sweet. But I still miss my guy, my heart is still broken. Working but broken. I wish you well, hope you are okay.
  8. Loss of my cat

    Hi Jane, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and so much sooner than you thought. I lost my sweet cat at 15 but it was a sudden (poisoning we think) thing and so it was truly terrible. The shock of it was a big part of what made it so much worse than my other cats that passed after long illness. But of course, it is never good no matter the circumstance. I also was a walking zombie the first couple of weeks. Didn't find joy in almost anything. We still miss our cat and talk about him a lot. It has been over 5 months. We adopted another cat because life for me is not complete without a kitty to love and take care of and there are too many sitting without homes in the shelters. I hope you find some peace as you go through this process. Nothing prepares you - all the logic in the world about what life will be like without them doesn't matter when they are not there. There is no way around, only through.
  9. Can't let him go yet

    Oh my gosh I am so so sorry, my heart is breaking for you. Poor sweet boy I hope he goes quickly and painlessly now. His body is shutting down obviously. It's too bad the vet would not help further and end his suffering, especially since there was nothing more to do and he was at the end. Although it seems that if he is quiet that he is okay and not in pain? At least you are with him and he's at home. So sorry you going through this.
  10. @Max79 I am so sorry for your loss of your dog. At least it was at home in her bed. But you are so right: we always feel guilt no matter how "ideal" the end may be. The second-guessing no matter how "illogical" happens to us all. And I guess that just shows how fiercely we loved our wonderful animals.
  11. I'm not ready.....

    Hi I am sorry to hear what is happening to Ava. Poor girl. Of course you are crying. It's a horrible thing to have to go through - and watch her go through. Well, this is your chance to lavish her with extra love, make her comfortable, and give her as much of her favorite foods and treats as she wants. I imagine your vet has helped and given you pain meds? You will know when the time is "right" and when she is really not enjoying life. I wish I could say something more to make this somehow better. Thinking of you and wishing you peace as you deal with this. We all know how hard this is. Keep us posted.
  12. My Callie

    I feel like that's just your mind, still processing, still trying to fix it somehow. Of course you did what you had to do. This grief process is an ever shifting one. Hard to know how we'll feel at any given moment. Be patient. I hope your wife can be patient too. You can't "shake out" of this, or "get over it" after some 7 day window. It's just something you have to go through. Time passes and you learn to live with this new reality. And each day you come to grips with it just a little bit more. (And then you'll get blindsided with some emotion) but you make progress a day at a time. I actually let myself get stuck more than once because anger and sadness was all I had left - it helped me remember my sweet cat. That too, slowly repaired after time.
  13. I know you are frustrated. I that re-read your post and everything that happened leading up to going to the vet, all the signs. When those things happen, it is usually really bad. We don't know what could have been. Maybe you'd have gotten a little more time w/ treatments and meds. But I wonder, would it have been worth it to take that chance? A little more time to have her... but also putting her comfort at risk. Maybe more sickness coming later the next night... Or the next week, have something really go wrong. Her little body was coming to the end, when exactly we will never know. My heart breaks for you because I know how hard this is. And I had an absolutely horrific end for my little guy so I know. It was horrible and I have spent the last 5 months dealing with what happened to him. There is a little comfort in knowing that your kitty is at peace and suffered very little at the end and that is something.
  14. My Callie

    @Kstark I am so sorry to hear about your sweet kitty Charley. Small consolation but at least you were there until the very end and that it was quick and seemed painless. It does not make the absence easier. And Joey74, yes I wanted to run! Run away - yell, scream... I was so despondent those first few days. There is no where to go to make the pain stop.
  15. Your lack of compassion is very sad. I can only imagine how awful things are for you and to lash out and hurt a total stranger. Perhaps that you would even do this, is why you have the horrible life you do? Please stay off of this forum, we have created a great community here.
  16. Aww Jen, I know. So many little things they do, little rituals we have with them. All kinds of things set me off too... especially before/after dates. I will say, it's good you are sharing so much, I believe it helps. Bertie sounds like a riot - so chatty, always yelling at you. How funny. I am sure you had quite the conversation with him at times. I can see even more why the silence is obvious. (As you say, I am sure he is demanding all kinds of treats and yelling still.) @Maria9 I didn't know your kitty was chatty as well. My guy liked to grunt. We called him an old man the last few years because his meows were like, "meh."
  17. Sadness

    Aww love Phantom, what a sweetie. I am so so sorry. We lost our cat 5 months ago. It's been very hard. Not to say things won't get get better, they do. But when you have a loss like this, the bond that you had, it is a big shock and a life change. I really understood all the cute rituals we had with our cat when we lost him. How totally interwoven he was in every aspect of our day. We don't have kids together, so he was our child. I am glad you came here and shared a little. Maybe read some of the other posts, you will see you are definitely not alone. And you are right, the grief comes in waves. Hope you are doing okay.
  18. My Callie

    HI @Joey74, I am so sorry for your loss. When they get older, we know logically it is going to happen but when they are not with us, physically, it is harder than we realize. Logic goes out the window and we are left with such an emptiness. Seeing your sweet Callie as you did breaks my heart. Of course you did the right thing, it was absolutely her time. Luckily you were able to be with her to the very end. So, this "process" is not easy, grieving the loss. I lost my cat suddenly 5 months ago and it has been a really difficult thing for me and my husband. What you are experiencing, the pit in your stomach - I had it too. My heart literally ached. The first couple days my husband and I were in shock. Walking zombies. I am glad you shared your story. You can certainly come and post more as the days pass. I did. I had to process it all by sharing my story and my feelings. My husband, while totally heartbroken could not keep discussing it over and over and talking about our cat and so I came here. We all know exactly where you are right now and we totally understand.
  19. Sick with grief and guilt

    We just lost our wonderful sweet 15 year old cat a couple days ago and it was physically traumatic for him and totally horrific. The emergency vet said it was an organophosphate poison. My vision of his last moments were not this. Maybe being in vet office, calm and in control and getting time to say goodbye (as was the case with my other cats years ago.) Instead, this was a nightmare and from the time I found him to his death was about 2 hours. We had sprayed Raid on a couple spiders the previous night in the basement but the vet said that was not it. He wasn't sure but he says it could have been days earlier. I am totally paranoid now. I really have not eaten or slept much. I am full of guilt since I am not sure exactly what happened so I am barely coping. We are renting a vacation home so I don't know what he might have gotten into. Can't find anything. Maybe it was a poisonous bug? No clue. He had also lost a lot of weight the last couple months and was hiding a lot so I know he was sick but this was way beyond anything unless it was total organ failure all at once. I don't know. I have waves of fear and anxiety and overwhelm. I can't believe I let this happen. The whole thing is so traumatic I have not even been able to have normal sadness.
  20. Hi there, I know how incredibly sad you are and I am so so sorry for your loss of Mocha. It can be a blur during those moments when you are asked to make a quick decision but please, I truly believe, and I know this is hard, but sweet Mocha was of the age and also very sick. I say that only because once you see the signs, (and what you shared from the vet) you know how sick they are because they work very hard at hiding illness. I know the end was not ideal, it is not for most of us. A sudden showing of symptoms followed by a rushed goodbye to end suffering... is what so many of us get. And others are not that lucky. The alternative, pushing for a little more time, forcing her to endure more meds, tests, and potential suffering was a kindness on your part. I hope you have no guilt, you did what you knew deep down was the "right" thing for her, knowing you'd be the one to have the emotional pain and taking away her physical pain. I wish there was something I else could say. You did have so many wonderful years (amazing actually!) and you were there with her at the vet til the end. Mocha never doubted your love for a second! What a bond you must have had after all that time. I hope you are doing okay and know that we understand this loss unlike anyone else.
  21. We put our cat down yesterday

    Hi @Lana993, omg he is so so cute. Reminds me of mine a bit. I lost my cat very suddenly 5 months ago. Four years is short but you obviously developed such a wonderful bond with him - he's so sweet I can tell in all the photos. And I am very sorry you had such a heartbreaking end. Thank God you were there to take him in and his suffering quickly and be there for him. The first few days of loss (at least for me) were awful. I was in such shock. I am guessing you are as well. Your brain literally has to adjust to his absence. You lose having him with you and all the rituals you did with and for him. It is life changing and it takes a bit to settle in. That is sadly, just how this grieving process works. There is no easy accept through. And because you loved him so much it is that much more difficult. I wish I could offer you more. We all understand here how much pain you are in, and I hope it helped to share a little of your story. Be patient, I promise it does get better but it takes some time. Give extra cuddles to your other cat.
  22. Sick with grief and guilt

    I need to watch Cat From Hell, haha. I do need to engage her more during the day, and I have a pink feather toy she likes. Thank God even when she goes crazy it's only for a half hour then she wears down again and sleeps for a while. I shut her out from the bedroom the other night, got her into the living room and she stayed out for a while and was not scared. So weird how affectionate she is in our room and scared of us when she's out eating or wherever. We're moving forward a little every day.
  23. Hi, I love that Lemony Snicket quote, so true. Totally understand about another cat, you do need to get situated. I remember the first visit to the pet rescue to find another cat - my husband and I looked at all these cats and I broke down in tears b/c I was looking for our cat. I wanted our cat again. So I waited a few more weeks and tried again. I guess what I am saying is, the time you are taking to finish school at least is giving you time to grieve sweet Pudge over the next few months. My heart goes out to you, I know exactly what you are going through. It is so hard without him there physically with you. I like to think, his spirit is still with you.
  24. Please help me

    I honestly don't know exactly what to say. I am sad and confused that you felt this was your only option and sad for you now for what you are going through. Obviously, I am really sad for your dog too, I hope he did not suffer too much. I don't think any of us can really understand your situation unless we were in your shoes. It's too late to do anything about it now. You sadly have to live with your choice, again I think having us "hate" on you probably doesn't come close to your own guilt and pain. I hope you do find forgiveness.
  25. I can see why, he was so beautiful. I am glad you have your kitty. I grieved for my cat in an empty house, as many of us do, and it was crushing. I hope you are doing okay.