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Everything posted by AJWCat

  1. My angel

    Hi, I am so sorry to read about your kitty. So sad. I know you are heartbroken. It is a horrible thing to have to go through. At least she was able to get back to you and you were with her at the very end. I wish I could say more to make you feel better, but I do understand the pain you are in. After we lost our cat, I didn't really eat for 2 days, barely slept. The world lost pretty much all joy for me. All you can do is grieve. It does slowly get better over time. For now just be patient as it takes some time to process such a loss. Again, wishing you peace and comfort.
  2. Sick with grief and guilt

    We just lost our wonderful sweet 15 year old cat a couple days ago and it was physically traumatic for him and totally horrific. The emergency vet said it was an organophosphate poison. My vision of his last moments were not this. Maybe being in vet office, calm and in control and getting time to say goodbye (as was the case with my other cats years ago.) Instead, this was a nightmare and from the time I found him to his death was about 2 hours. We had sprayed Raid on a couple spiders the previous night in the basement but the vet said that was not it. He wasn't sure but he says it could have been days earlier. I am totally paranoid now. I really have not eaten or slept much. I am full of guilt since I am not sure exactly what happened so I am barely coping. We are renting a vacation home so I don't know what he might have gotten into. Can't find anything. Maybe it was a poisonous bug? No clue. He had also lost a lot of weight the last couple months and was hiding a lot so I know he was sick but this was way beyond anything unless it was total organ failure all at once. I don't know. I have waves of fear and anxiety and overwhelm. I can't believe I let this happen. The whole thing is so traumatic I have not even been able to have normal sadness.
  3. the pain hasnt stopped

    Agree Maria. I just can't keep saying the same thing to my family or friends. And what can they say? And as for life... I have come to realize it's not just losing the pet, you lose all the many things you did with and for that pet. It really does shift your whole life. I could list a minimum of 10 things I did with/for my cat each day that all gave me joy and they just disappeared.
  4. My best friend died and I feel empty inside

    Santiago, As Maria said, it is good you returned here to this forum to get your feelings out. You can share all the pain you are going through here. Please do not haunt yourself with needless guilt. Toby was very sick. You did the right thing, letting him go rather than forcing him to suffer. I know how much it hurts that Toby is no longer with you. My cat used to snuggle up next to me in bed and it is horrible to not have him now. It took me a couple weeks before I could do anything at all (I work from home.) besides lay in bed and watch mindless t.v. I finally was able to put my focus onto work tasks. I had to. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change Toby's passing, don't let it make your life even more difficult. Maybe force yourself to focus on your studies for a few hours knowing you can then rest and grieve. Everything you are going through is part of this process. It will slowly get better. Not that you will ever forget Toby but you learn to live as things are now. Be kind to yourself and patient. My heart goes out to you.
  5. Sick with grief and guilt

    Wow, so so sorry to hear both your stories. Ugh, terrible! I get it, people make mistakes, they are running a "business" - Maria you are right, but just a little communication and some compassion would go a long way!
  6. Grieving my pet

    Hi @JackieJr07 that is what is great about this forum, we all pop in whenever we need it or want to help. When you talk about coming home and not getting greeted at the door... it's tough. We all have the things we did with our animals; the walks, the games, the patterns - I am sure you had so many. I call them rituals. Every morning when I woke up my cat, who was at my feet in bed, would get up ever so slowly and walk up to cuddle with me before we got out of bed. So waking up and not having him there for that was heartbreaking. Losing some of the rituals changes how we lived. Hope you are doing okay - and glad you shared. It's good to get it out.
  7. horrible guilt and shame

    It's not a depressing post, totally get it... it just is how it is for you at this time. Try to see if they have some photos and maybe they can email them to you! Like you... I don't want to forget my kitty either!
  8. Sick with grief and guilt

    Okay so I finally called. Got someone I didn't recognize. I mentioned that our cat passed away a few months ago and that I emailed but wasn't sure if they still had our appt. She checked and said they didn't have an appointment on file. She was sympathetic and nice enough but they clearly got my email, cancelled my appt., and that was that. It's too bad b/c they are a cat only clinic and normally very good. You'd think a vet office would be very mindful of these things.
  9. Early Days

    Nancy, you are where we all have been. The first few days without my sweet cat, I barely ate and couldn't sleep well. I wanted to somehow fix what happen. I could not believe he was gone. I was unprepared to feel so devastated because I am a pretty logical person. I knew my cat would not live forever. The physical absence was crushing. Do whatever you can to feel okay. Cry. Come here and write (I sure did, I have pages.) and share your grief. Like KayC said, there is nothing to do but survive and miss Boomer. It's just a process. Be patient with yourself. Of course everything is going to remind you of him, he brought you joy and was such a part of your life! In time, those memories will make you smile and not cry. Thinking of you and wishing you peace, I know it's hard.
  10. Yes this one is really hard, a counselor is a good idea. And yeah save the fur... and a favorite toy if he had one? I hated the moment when we vacuumed, a couple weeks after losing our cat. Like we were losing the final evidence of him. Yet... even weeks later, I would see one little white hair in some random place and I believed it was a sign he is still with us. I hope you are doing okay.
  11. Sick with grief and guilt

    I know @Maria9 I fear breaking down in tears. (I think I also fear being judged. I leave town on a long vacation and manage to have our cat pass away.)
  12. Hi @AdamElijah, I just want to say how heartbroken I am for you and your whole family. Charlie sounds like a wonderful, sweet, funny dog who brought you all a ton of joy. When we lose our pets, especially one so young and so suddenly since no expected it to happen this way, it is devastating. You will all grieve in your own way. I remember when we lost our cat, for the first couple weeks, I couldn't even say all the silly nicknames we had for him. The loss was crushing. I cried a lot. My husband tried to move on and distract himself even though he was as depressed as I was. I am glad you came here and shared your story. I hope in some small way it made you feel a little better. It has for me (I have pages here!) as I just need a place to vent my sadness. There is nothing to fix, no control to be gained. We just grieve and miss them and take it a day at a time. Things will get back to "normal" eventually, but you will always carry a special place in your heart for Charlie. That will never change.
  13. Sick with grief and guilt

    haha you're angry face made me smile. Okay you are right... I will.
  14. Sick with grief and guilt

    Just over 3 months now. I came across our cat's "file" - I still have his paperwork from the day we adopted him in 2007. And a bunch of recent vet visits and his rabies certificate. It expired 11/11/2017. I never did call the vet to see if they got my email about him passing away. And so I guess they cancelled our appointment after all. I can't believe they would be so heartless not to even email me back. I don't think I want to go there with my next cat.
  15. Bear has passed

    So sorry to hear about Bear. You really had such a long and wonderful life together. Doesn't make it easier! I know how hard it is to decide, today is the day, enough is enough. Obviously it was, you did the right thing since Bear was really at the end. And at least your were there with him to the final moment. So many people do not get that. I hope you are doing okay. I am sure Bear's absence is very very hard.
  16. My daily struggle

    Hi John, I am so sorry to hear about your sweet guy, Biggie. And that it was as short as it was. I understand all of your feelings. It is heartbreaking to lose such a close companion like Biggie was for you. I lost my cat who actually lived a pretty long life (we had him from age 5 to 15) but died suddenly and not pleasantly either which makes me angry. And I was helpless to fix it. Like you, I move from gut wrenching grief to anger to guilt and back again. That is just how this goes. I've read here (from KayC) the depth of your grief is the depth of your love. It sounds true for you and Biggie. You should feel everything you are feeling. The anger and frustration is reasonable. Guilt... not so much. We all have terrible guilt because we are completely lost and want to feel some sort of control. Unfortunately, all you can do is grieve... be sad, let out your emotions, and move through a day at a time. After we lost our cat, I could barely function for the first few weeks. Nothing brought me joy. Everything was pretty dark. I am now at just over 3 months. I am much better many days and yet I find I am still terribly sad. So, all I can do is come here. Write out my feelings. Try to help others because I know what this process is like. And it sucks. I hope you feel a little better sharing Biggie's story here. I love his picture and I know you will never forget him and though you had too short a time together, you gave him a happy life. For me, I can't live without a cat. Sometime soon we will rescue/adopt another cat. (A new cat will never replace what I had with our other.) So maybe in the future there will be a dog that you can give a good home to. Not to replace Biggie (no animal could!) but there a lot of dogs that need homes.
  17. Horrible End of Life Experience

    Wow @PigWeasley I am so sorry to read your story and for your loss. A sad ending for your sweet yorkie girl. She was awfully ill. I too had a very painful tragic end for my cat. We were not at our regular vet, we were at an emergency clinic and while they did what they could to save him, it was not great "service." We were handed our bill minutes after he was put down too. (I had another vet who sent the bill in the mail later. Much more thoughtful. I have no issue paying but talk about bad timing!) My advice: write out your story and mail the letter to the vet. It could make you feel better and they need to know how wildly insensitive the whole experience was for you. You could always review online too if that's something you do? I feel for you and hope you are doing okay. It is so traumatic to lose your dog like that and then to have it be handled so casually is really thoughtless.
  18. the pain hasnt stopped

    Hi @Nancy007, I am so sorry to hear about sweet Boomer. Many of us feel as you do... if we had acted sooner maybe they could have lived longer. It is easy to feel that way. Please don't let the guilt and 'what-ifs' plague you. This strange guilt we put ourselves through (almost always over things we have no control over) makes the grieving process that much more difficult and painful. Obviously you had a wonderful life with Boomer and he was so lucky to have you! It sounds like it was his time. It does not make it any easier. But you did the compassionate thing for him. All I can say is, I know your pain. It is heartbreaking. We know how much we love them when they are here but then when they are not, it's like the world is off its axis. (At least it was for me!) You are not alone. Come back and write more and read more if it helps. Lots of support here.
  19. @dm1 So sorry to read about your loss. It amazes me how animals will fight so hard to be well and lively. You really know when it is the end. My heart breaks for you. I know the gut wrenching and empty feeling all too well.
  20. Grieving over my fur baby

    Maria, there are so many analogies to grief... the compass is true too! It is like a spinning dial... how will I feel today? Rebecca, I am so glad that you do have Moo so you can comfort each other. Never blame yourself. It is weird how guilty we all feel... we do though.
  21. Sick with grief and guilt

    Thanks Rebecca. We do all understand each other all too well. I know right where you are too. The first week was pretty much hell. The next two were a little better. This forum really helped me, I am glad you are here! Hope you are okay too.
  22. Grieving over my fur baby

    I did worry about that exact thing KayC. The pain was my way of keeping him around me somehow. Not having it was like forgetting him. I didn't want to forget, I didn't want to feel better. But as each day passes, you start to feel better and more able to cope. That said, this week has been very tough... very painful and I am sad. Just how it goes.
  23. Grieving my pet

    @JackieJr07 I totally understand. I know how much you want to hold him. It's a gut wrenching ache. The holidays will not be right this year for you. That said, I will share something @KayC said: "Once we've suffered a major loss, we carry the grief inside of us...we learn to coexist with it. We can feel momentary joy, we can enjoy life, smile again, laugh at something funny, but all the while, our grief never leaves us. It is our constant companion, it's not something we set aside or take off, it's there. Not like we can forget, we're still missing them." I hope that you are able to go through the holidays with some good moments even though I know how much you miss him.
  24. Grieving my pet

    Thanks @KMB that was a nice post. I am sure your pets have offered a lot of comfort to you since you lost your husband. I can only imagine how difficult that loss has been. Having people read my story and respond in understanding and reading others stories (even though my heart then breaks for them too) greatly helped me. I don't have a lot experience with death. Very little w/ people. I lost two cats but we knew for some time, each had lymphoma. This last cat was sudden and crushing. I knew I'd be sad when the day came... but not like this. One thing I've learned. Treasure every day with every person and creature you have. You just never know.
  25. Grieving over my fur baby

    Hi Rebecca, You definitely are not alone is your grief. I am so sorry to hear about sweet Tumbles, what a cutie! He was taken too soon. I totally understand your pain and your loss. (We all do as you can tell.) I visit this forum because as you mentioned in your post, I just can't keep talking to people about how upset I am... how much I miss our cat. It has gotten much much better and yet I still ache that he is gone. I am sure your other kitty Moo is upset and might be a little depressed. All you can do is take things one day at a time and give Moo extra attention. Time heals. The pain will subside for you and for Moo. Nothing will replace Tumbles and his unique personality and your bond. Once the guilt and sadness goes away you at least have the wonderful memories.