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TooDevastated

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About TooDevastated

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Contact Methods

  • AIM
    Grief support

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Partner
  • Angel Date
    5th of July 2017

Converted

  • Occupation
    Molecular Biologist

Recent Profile Visitors

241 profile views
  1. Don't know what to say

    My boyfriend was the one who believed we had souls and all the other spiritual stuff. I hope that they are comfortable where they are and they are near us to see what we are going through and help us. Today I found a keyring that said "I love you" in a dvd box. One of his fav films. I remember what a happy day it was that he got me that. I hate that everything is left intact and it is only HIM, the most crucial part of my life, thats gone! I wish I could reverse it..
  2. This hurts so much

    I'd do anything too... I wish he had an expensive illness. Or I had to donate a lung or a kidney or half of my liver or all of it. I wish all of what we own were gone but we were both alive and healthy. I would even rather he were in bed and needed care for the rest of our lives. I would do everything that I can to keep him alive if he had an illness or definite symptoms etc. He was all healthy and perfect and my beautiful baby and not even more than two hours since I last heard from him he was dead. He had a heart attack and died just like that. Last thing he said to me was that he'd call me after football. He didn't even get to do that.
  3. This hurts so much

    I like how you called her your Yogi Bear. I know what you mean. When one of us woke up, we always woke each other with kisses and cuddles so we could enjoy the warmth and togetherness until we fell asleep again. We were together for years and that hasnt changed. I hate my cold bed. I hate the loneliness... I hate my dark future.
  4. This hurts so much

    I am sorry for sounding too miserable. I am just really angry and desparate that life not only finds ways to give me s*** all the time, but it also has taken my only consolation. It would have been easier to survive from loss of a limb or even an acid attack... This pain is just too much more than I can handle :/
  5. This hurts so much

    This hurts so much tonight. Late nighy here. I have a terrible cough and I had my nose bleed... On top of all this, I cannot stop crying. Can't I have even two minutes with him? I wanna look at his eyes and know I'm loved and cared for. My body has been miserable and weak for a while now. I hope I can die soon! Yep! It's a very dark night...
  6. The best explanation so far

    Maybe its just me. But I find the scientific possibility that there might be other forms of existence quite relieving. More relieving than the spiritual confirmations of an afterlife even! Not to say that I look down on spirituality. What I have experienced in these last months has made me feel a sort of after life existence. But it is nice to be able to rationalise that possibility. I should also mention NDT doesnt use this dimension odyssey to "explain" or to "refer to" afterlife. He simply says.. Our senses wouldnt be able to comprehend that sort of reality.
  7. The best explanation so far

    I will find it and send you the link Djh.
  8. The best explanation so far

    We dont know. Science does not even tell us that they are in a higher dimension. I found it promising though, that there is room for such a belief in science having never believing in a compatibily and religion myself. It has made me feel better... There might be room for other forms of existence but we just dont know.
  9. Don't know what to say

    I am not sure if my belief can ever be as strong as those of you that are religious. I am trying to believe as hard as I can, though. As someone who used to laugh at the thought of afterlife or souls, that's as much as I can do, so far.
  10. BF Passed Away

    I HAVE GOT to believe that I will see him again. That's the only thing stopping me from killing myself right now.
  11. This hurts so much

    I wish I could help you. I wish I could help me! I am sorry you're sharing the same misery that we all are here! Be careful what you wish for! I have had so many dreams of my boyfriend these last few days. And everynight, I have a dream in which he tries to convince me that he is not dead. He mocks me and asks why on earth I would think such a thing. And I wake up feeling worse than ever. Some of the dreams I have had did give me comfort on the other hand. I hope you do have those kind of dreams. Dreams that feel like visitations.
  12. The best explanation so far

    Listening to one of Neil deGrasse Tyson's talks today, I realised that the dimensional odyssey he explains is as scientific as an explanation of an afterlife can get. I am a scientist who looked down on the notions of afterlife and souls my whole life. Thus, the sudden death of my 35 years old boyfriend had been even more tragic. Believing that he is simply gone and perished had hurt so much that I even had to turn to many medium-ish/ spiritual books. In time (and also having received so many signs and dreams), I have come to accept that there must be a form of existence and that the dead are not just gone. Anyway. Listening this talk on an exercise in quantum physics has made me even more hopeful that I wanted to share this with everyone on the forum. It has also made me realise what superficial picture of the universe our daily experiments draw in the lab. I hope it makes some of you feel a bit more hopeful as well because I know there are many skeptics and it makes the whole deal even harder on us. So here is the dimensional odyssey: Imagine that you're at your desk. Your desk is a surface. And you start putting pages down on the desk. You're tiling them on the desk and then you run out of room. You have exhausted the two dimensions of the surface of your desk. But you have ways of accommodating this problem. You have page organisers that go upwards. So nowi you don't have any surface area of the desk, you can enter a third dimension and put pages there. But, if I am an ant embedded in this two dimensional world of the surface of your desk, and you fill up the desk with these sheets of paper, I will say "there is no more room". And you say "Yes, there is. Watch me". And you tae a piece of paper off the desk, put it in the page organiser, and according to me, the ant embedded in the two dimensions, that page has disappeared. It has disappeared into a dimension that the ant does not have access to. If there an alien-being living in the fouth dimension, she could tell help you move the page organisers into the fourth dimension once your desk is full of the page organiser boxes and you can no longer accommodate any more papers even in 3D. Physicists say we need at least ten dimensions to account for the phenomena we observe in the universe. But this has made me hopeful that our loved ones might have just entered into another dimension that we cannot observe in this 3D body. I am sure most of you has heard similar stuff. But put in this way, in this simple structure, I liked it a lot.
  13. Two Months...

    I am sorry for myself too. I was there for mum for months when she needed surgeries etc. I was at the hospital at the weekend and this week, I got a terrible flu that I am stuck in bed I can hardly get up. My body hurts all over, got a terrible cough. I feel so bad I couldnt drive myself to the hospital. Mum has been on a holiday and she says its just a flu and I will be fine and she cant cancel this as she and her sister planned it months ago. I dont even want to call any friends.. Because how pathetic I would seem then.. I will just lay in bed and cough some more with my empty stomach hoping to die! Bruce would have made me soup and take me to the hospital and take a great care of me. I wish we had died together so I wouldnt have to go through all of this. I am really so f***ing lonely guys...
  14. Don't know what to say

    I am sorry you had a shitty day. All my days seem to be f***ing lonely. I have not had any energy to do anything at all this week. After Monday, I have been ill. I got the flu and I have been sick in bed. I think I got some germs from staying at the hospital. I wish my body died of weakness so I would be put out of my misery. I got a terrible fever, a cough and hurting all over. Noone to take care of me. I hate my life now.... How could he leave me knowing how miserable it would make me? Anyway. I hope you're doing good. I will write on the forum more actively again when I get a bit better. I havent been able to make any appointments for a therapist either. I can hardly lift an arm. He sould have been here to make me fresh OJ and chicken soup. Today, I realised I will never ever see him again. I did realise it before but it struck me on a different level today. I will never see his face, his gestures, he will never be there to take care of me. And maybe I'll start forgetting the little details about him one by one. Our inside jokes, how he kissed, his smell, how it felt when he held me warm at nights. Will they all go away and I'll be hit by a worse kind of loneliness? I hope I die before I forget these.
  15. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    I am not watching star wars anymore either. We loved it. It was an 'us thing'. Makes no sense to watch it alone... I understand how the smallest things are triggers. My boyfriend loved will ferrel films. Whenever I see the mans face, I get tears. The opposite of what I used to be. Life sucks now.
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