TooDevastated

Members
  • Content count

    36
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About TooDevastated

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Contact Methods

  • AIM
    Grief support

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Partner
  • Angel Date
    5th of July 2017

Converted

  • Occupation
    Molecular Biologist
  1. So much yes! This is how I have felt eversince I realised my boyfriend was gone and is never coming back. I am sentenced to keep going in this state of living without being alive. And I dont remember doing anyting wrong. I feel angry. I didnt deserve this. We both deserved a better life. Everyone here with their heartaches deserved to spend many many years with their loved ones. Yet here we are in this now-prison that could have been a paradise once.
  2. I can relate to this so much... I have been living in an alien planet for the last 7 weeks where everything feels different and unrealistic. I sort of expect someone to pop out any moment and tell me all of this has been an awkward cruel joke. I didnt see my Bruce dying either. He was only so young and died of a sudden heart attack. And I too didnt think it was him I saw at the funeral parlour. He looked somewhat odd. It didnt feel like it was him. He was an organ donour so I got to see him only after these procedures and the image of him lying in a casket all lifeless and bruised is haunting me at nights... But yes...everynight, I keep hoping that I'll wake up in an alternate universe where none of these 7 weeks has happened and where we are still disgustingly happy and in love! Because this version of the world where the person I love and care about the most ceased to exist sucks. Its not real and I dont want to get used to it. I hope the best outcome that can be expected from the trial for you. I hope you'll have the strength to go through it.
  3. Unless Priest Ogaga can bring people back from death, your post is irrelevant to this forum really...!
  4. This is exactly what I feel like. Exactly. There is no one I live for now. That part of my life is closed for good. I am living but not really alive. I have loved ones but thats not a good enough motivation to keep me going. My appetite isnt back. Never had a big appetite anyways. I feel like my body is giving up. I feel weaker and weaker everyday and its harder to focus on work/daily tasks as well. I dont know whats to happen to me now... I am trying really hard not to push everyone away.
  5. That sounds really nice. Although I have absolutely no motivation, I hope I can move to that phase one day. Spreading love and bringing more peace in the world. That was his life goal.
  6. Thanks everyone. The doctor said I have arrhythmia in my heart and it is very likely to be permanent. But it is not fatal and I need to take a pill everyday. He said we cant know for sure whether or not it is caused by sadness but stress has a huge impact on heart.
  7. I am still wishing and praying every night that when I wake up this will turn out to be a bad dream. What happens is that I wake up in 2-3 hours and cry some more and do the same cycle until its morning and then its other bloody day with this harsh reality.
  8. I am SO sorry for your loss Maddie. I'm unfortunately all too familiar with your pain and am struggling myself after 5 weeks... I wish there was something anyone could do to help you. I wish there was something I could say to you and to myself that would make us feeel any better. It's so unfair that you have to go through this pain so young. I am truly sorry. Post here as you like. Noone will judge you and it might turn out to relieve you. Please find other's advise here who has more experience on this grief process. They can be your guide. Hugs X
  9. You are very very kind KayC. Part of me wishes that I can see this grief as a positive thing like you do one day...Part of me just hopes that I wont be here for long. I dont think the way I see the world unworhty of living is just about losing Bruce. I am heartbroken and devastated that my soulmate is gone and I am left here all alone. But on top of this, I have never closely witnessed a young persons death (and certainly not someone so significant!). One moment he was here, we were having small talks, laughing about daily jokes, and were full of life and love. The next second, they told me he was dead. I still cant comprehend how that can happen... I am still waiting for the phone call he'd give me after football ;( So I started thinking...We go through all of the stresses and hardships in life...and to what end? Why should I keep myself to do more to achieve more? One day I'll be gone and one day I'll be forgotten just like everyone else. And I am heartbroken and grieving for our ever-coming true dreams now. I was stupid enough to believe that I'd have a life 'happily ever after' . That future is gone and has left a big sad hole behind. Every other possible future I might have after this point seems like options I'll have to settle for. Thanks for caring, and I wish there was someway anyone could have helped me.
  10. I will! I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday. I hope they give me a diagnosis then. I'd actually be happy if they said something like "Sorry for bringing these news but you have a few months left as your condition is serious". Its a relief that I am not completely alone with these thoughts... I'm glad you have companions. Especially from the days you were still together. I'm sure its a great comfort.
  11. I have an appointment with the doctor on monday so I will know then I suppose. I dont have any pets to look after or anything to look forward to (not anymore) really. But I'm glad I'm not alone in these fantasies! It means I havent gone completely mental right?
  12. Exactly! In her books, and in the comments I read on her, people only told her their first names and she'd give them information on stuff that nobody but the deceased could know. In my reading however, she asked my first and last name, my birthday, and where I was from etc. So I think all the career advice I received could be based on a simple google search on my name (as I have an easily accessible CV). After some time, I just had to tell her I didnt book the session for career advice I wanted to know about my boyfriend. She thought he was alive for a moment. Then suspected and asked me "is he dead?" unbelievable isnt it?!
  13. M88, Thanks. I have had so many signs from him. So I know he is still around me! The reason I went to a medium in the first place was to first confirm that I wasnt going crazy. And the second is that I believe my boyfriend might be trying to tell me something. She was a disappointment though. K9219, I am sorry you had messages that were heartbreaking. I am starting to believe firmly that there is an afterlife. But I wish I could also believe that our dead loved ones were all in peace. I feel like he is just as hurt and disappointed as I am and he is trying to comfort me as much as he is able in that new form. Absolutely! I would have gone mad if I kept thinking everything is gone and I'll never see him again. I still have moments of doubt but I have felt him around so much. So unless I am crazy, he still has a presence. She is supposed to be a "clairvoyant medium". All the online comments I found on her were so positive. She has books and a website (I know that doesnt make a person more reliable but she is quite famous in UK). I have had the worst thing happen to me. The worst. There isnt anything that anyone can say to make me feel worse really... I am at absolute bottom. I just had a laugh after a very long time and couldnt believe how hundereds of people were attending her shows and believed that she actually brought them messages. I will definitely look into the material you sent. And of course HUGS! X
  14. I hope my boyfriend is still my boyfriend (isnt a bird or a plant etc) and is waiting to be united with me. That he remembers all that we had and is grateful for it as much as I am. I hope he isnt just gone. I remember many instances where I saw a sparkling light in his eyes looking so happy and had found myself thinking "he has the most beautiful soul on earth". After his death, I starting questioning these things more, naturally. And I chose to believe we all have souls. When I saw his body, I thought it was just vacant, what made him him was gone. He is there and he is waiting for me. And we will be together again. I cannot handle thinking otherwise.
  15. Thanks for your words KayC. I wish people would stop telling me I have to keep living. That I have to find someone else that I am too young to spend a life alone. I want to scream at all of these "well-meaning" people SHUT UP!!! I wish the pain would get less. But it seems like the more I miss him the more it hurts. Everyday I cry more and hurt more. I had to go to the hospital yesterday because of heavy pains in my chest. The doctors found an anomaly in my heart but havent yet given a diagnosis. (Im wearing a holter device for 24 hours so they'll know whats wrong soon). I have been up all night staring at the walls and ceiling.. And fantasized something would be severely wrong with my heart so I'd find out I dont have a lot of time left! Thats my fantasies now! A scenario in which I dont kill myself but a health issue or a natural disaster etc. kills me very soon so I can go and be with my boyfriend in that other dimension.