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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Slicks-sister

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About Slicks-sister

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    Newbie

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Sibling
  1. Loss of My brother any suggestions?

    I find myself in the same boat as you. I lost my brother aug2016. I feel what I need most right now is to know that someone else understands what I'm going through. It's hard to believe that anyone could possibly know this feeling. I too find it hard to feel understood and instead I just don't have anywhere to place my emotions or feelings or words if I ever find the right words. I always think about if he were here how he would react to certain situations or what he would have to say about them. He was 31, a year older than me. As my 31st birthday was approaching I couldnt help but wish it wouldn't. I would think about how I would be the same age as him, which is completely strange. Then I thought about how when I'm 50 he will still only be 31. That makes me feel like I have no choice but to leave him behind. Like you said, only the past memories are there. I get upset thinking about being unable to make new ones with him. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not you and my brother wasn't your brother either but you aren't alone. We are in the same boat!
  2. It has almost been one year since I lost my brother. I wrote this almost two weeks after he passed and because of the unanswered questions and unresolved emotional issues it has since had a major impact on my relationships lately. Any advice??? I'm most worried about my marriage. I have to find out what to do with these repeated feelings. FYI I have never shared this before with anyone (this is even my first post here or anywhere) and this is just my raw feelings originally written to myself. Aug 2016 My brother died less than two weeks ago. I was in shock through all the arrangements and funeral. I couldn't seem to feel that it was real. I thought maybe picking out the casket would make it real, then it didn't. So then I thought writing the obituary would surely make it real, but it didn't. As if I had to keep myself busy in order to not lose myself right along with him. Then I thought that seeing him would definitely make it real. I went the night before the funeral, up to the funeral home to see him for the first time since the news and to make sure everything was "done to my satisfaction".... My satisfaction??, I thought. Did you revive him? Will he be able to sit up and tell me some crude joke to make me laugh and everything be ok? Of course not!!! So when seeing him didn't make it real either, I thought maybe his funeral and putting him in the ground might make me realize he is really gone. Well the morning came and the grieving family and friends came then they all left and still no reality. I cried that whole week during all of that but it was only when I would look at his pictures and think about the possibility of it being real, that my brother could actually really truly be dead. It was just the thought of it that made me sad though. It wasn't my reality yet. My family all went back home to try and figure out how to deal with it while picking back up with living their normal lives and then all the calls slowly stopped coming in. I was at my house alone, kids off to their first day at school, and my thoughts started to scramble. I was alone with my thoughts and nothing holding them back any longer. My heart started to melt. It felt like my entire soul got up, detached itself and walked away, leaving me sitting there lifeless for a second. It started to hit me!! HARD! My entire body wanted to scream out! Being in my own skin was uncomfortable. You always try to imagine what someone must feel like going through something like that. You imagine if you lose a sibling, what you might feel. Well my previous assumption was absolutely inaccurate! It's nothing like you think. This is an emotional experience I can honestly say I have never experienced anything close to before. No matter what memories pop into my head, I literally have to work my way up the chain of emotions to get to the better feeling ones. Sorrow, sadness, guilt, regret, rage, anger, frustration, until I finally get to peace, laughter and then love. Once I feel the love I have for him it makes me sad all over again! People would talk to me about " yea I lost my grandmother and we were close, I know how you feel". AaAHH!!! Wrong!! I lost my grandmother too! We were super close. She was like a mother to me. Definitely doesn't even compare!! She was an adult and I had been the grandchild. We didn't fight or argue or play tricks on each other for years. We didn't "get away with" things together growing up, we didn't get real with each other about how we felt at times and we definitely weren't together since both of us were infants! We didn't sleep in the next room from each other for 18-20 years and we didn't share parents siblings or the same childhood together. Me and my brother were close! He was 31, a year older than me. We had the same group of friends even. He was just always there! He WAS always there. How do I even deal? I can't even place a label on this type of emotion that I feel. I want to be able to just name it and someone honestly relate and know exactly what I am feeling! It's lonely. It's like trying to describe a color to a man who had been blind his entire life. You just can't do it! Until the person experiences it, they really don't know what you mean and even then people deal with things so differently! I'm afraid the way I feel is going to affect my marriage negatively. I mean my husband is great and so supportive but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I think he kind of feels I should be getting over it by now, possibly. When really it's only just begun. I don't feel like I should talk about my brother to him how I really want to. I mean it's almost like even if I did, he doesn't know the emotion I'm feeling behind the things I have to say about my brother anyway. This is just hard. I tried to reach out to my family but that makes me feel more like the black sheep. It's like I'm not allowed to talk about him to anyone! Im the only one who handles emotions openly, better than bottling it up and suppressing it in order to feel normal again. My brother used to think of himself as the black sheep of the family. We had that in common, as contradictory as that sounds. I know that if I was going through this when he was here, I would have that conversation I need, that realization that I need, the laugh that I need and that part of my brother that I need right now. I can't help but question all of this. "Am I doing it right" "is it supposed to feel this way" "is this a normal level of grief" "why does it feel so uncomfortable" but most of all "is he really still here with me". All of these questions can't be answered to my satisfaction I don't think. I have been zoning out. I have always been particularly proud of how keen I was with my awareness. That has just gone away. Someone could be talking to me for 20 minutes before I realize that I haven't heard a single word they just said. That makes me only want to be alone. Have you ever had the urge to talk about something that was bothering you but not feel like talking at all, what so ever!!???? It's things like that, that make me so mixed up. It's like I just don't know anymore. I just don't know how to deal! I just had my first encounter with someone we grew up with that didn't know about my brothers death. It was too soon! I couldn't deal. I don't want to see anyone else who might ask me how he's doing. I have the urge and need to escape from this! I want to break free from the grasp it has on me. Then again even that feels wrong. I need an answer but not sure what the right question is. How can I go about determining something like that? What do I do??? ... so here it is over 11 months later and all this time I have felt pushed into bottling it up because I had no where else to place it. The bottle has finally filled up and now it's over flowing into my life and overwhelming me. I knew me and this bottle have never seen eye to eye. I found some letters that my brother wrote me a couple months after it happened. It helped a little because he wrote them about my grandmothers death and really what he had to say about death was extremely helpful. I guess now I'm still trying to face that it's real and irreversible. It's not being able to have that two way conversation with him, that I need so bad, that's making this the hardest!! I'm still not sure anything anyone could say or do would make this stop but I guess the reason for my post is to air out these emotions and possibly see that I am understood. Yes! I think being understood would be a great start!!
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