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KylieL

Members
  • Content count

    34
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About KylieL

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Boyfriend
  • Angel Date
    6/23/2017
  1. This hurts so much - New Issue

    Yes, two minutes staying with him... or just a two-minute phone call I'd take that too. I beg him to appear in my dreams every single night. I know I will never see him in real life, so a bit of signs or dreams can keep me going ... I would also do everything to keep him alive. If we could donate our years of lives to others, how good would that be. I wish I could donate my years to him just to keep him alive. I wish I could donate my years to someone who has terminal decease now so I wouldn't have to stay here for any longer. TooDevastated I'm sorry that you are not feeling well. I had flu last week, fever, terrible cough and running nose, still haven't fully recovered yet. I rarely get sick, it's the first time I got sick after my boyfriend died. It reminds me that he got fever very often. It's tough when you get sick and your loved one isn't here to care for you, physically. But also, when you feel your body is weak, you get that strange happiness... still, I hope you can get well soon.
  2. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    My bestfriend just told me she got her first boyfriend yesterday. She was so happy about it and I was also happy for her that she found a person she like. But I'm also jealous, that she will have a happy life from now but mine is already gone. At the same age of 22, my bestfriend found her love but I lost mine. I can somehow picture her having wedding and kids in the future that I will never have. Of course I would never wish anything happen to anyone, but I have such complicated feelings. I just hope that my life can be brief, I don't think I'm capable of watching the others living their happy lives for 50 years and live all the years alone.
  3. Don't know what to say

    I'm really new to those things, lucid dreaming, astral travel ... I heard that some people met their deceased loved ones through travelling to the astral plane. I'm still "studying" about it. I've tried to play some music for astral travel while I was sleeping. Hope that someday I will finally succeed to meet my boyfriend.
  4. Don't know what to say

    I understand. There is something we only share with our loved ones, and no one else understands. I'm always being a weird girl and an introvert, but my boyfriend saw me as an angel and told me how good I am. Our loved ones are the only ones who know all our flaws and imperfections but still love us. I don't think I can find another one like him, also I don't really want to. I'm sorry that you had such a bad day. Some of my friends did't really like my relationship with him even when he's still alive, they said it's hard to maintain a long distance relationship and told me to think about it carefully. I can say some of them were being jealous. They may feel like "look what I said" now but I simply don't care. It's so annoying seeing others judging our relationship with our loved ones while they know nothing about it. Grief is already hard for us, but bad things can keep popping up, though I think there's nothing as worst as losing our loved ones. Like KMB said "better" is not a good choice of a word, so I just hope you have a less crappy day.
  5. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    There're so many things for them, for us to explore. He planned a three-month vacation just two days before he died. It's not fair, not just for them but all of us here. I try not to compare my life to the others, but it's really hard to seeing others at the same age having happy lives while our loved ones and we can't enjoy life anymore.
  6. Don't know what to say

    I dont usually see my boyfriend in dreams. The last dream about him was two days ago, saying that he refused to see me because he doesn't want me to be depressed. I'm not sure if it's really his thought or just my brain telling myself to quit feeling devastated. I played some brainwaves for lucid dreaming that night tho.
  7. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    I also saw Wonder Woman after my boyfriend died, a month after I guess. I didn't like the movie but yeah the end was painful to watch. We sometimes watched movie together and the last one we watched is Hachi ... If any of you knows about the movie or the story, I feel like that dog now, waiting for him to return. The It movie came out recently and I remember how excited he was. We planned to watch the movie together but he didn't get the chance. He loves horror stuff. It's the Halloween month, he would be so happy seeing decorations and stuff. I wish he was here so we could enjoy the Halloween events...
  8. Plans

    Today marks the third month since I lost my boyfriend. I feel the worst. There are so much going on lately. Everything makes my grief complicated. Yesterday my brother left a message saying he will be out of the country for a while, and he left. My mom and I went to his house immediately but he's already gone. I found his old phone, logged into his email, found out he went to Iraq. He said he will explain after he come back but without saying volunteering in what. My mom was so terrified, she kept asking whether she did anything wrong or raised us in the wrong way that both her children are being like this. I tried to tell her none of the events happened to us is her fault but she kept saying sorry to me and telling me that she don't want to lose us. This gave me the worst headache, I feel sorry that I can't find any words to comfort her. I know my mom loves me but I feel stressed from all of her words. I was scared too. I wanted to call my boyfriend to find comfort but then I realized he's dead. It's the worst. I'm grieving so hard and I can't handle things like these. Like last second I was writing my diary about how much I miss my boyfriend and how much I want to reunite with him, and then I found out my brother left his home. I feel so stressed from all of these. I'm sorry this isn't really related to the topic but I don't know where to turn.
  9. Two Months...

    I wish this too, the world will end or i die, i just want to meet him. Why we are young, its very scary now to live like this. Everyday is struggle for me , people around me make plans, laugh on silly things and i am so miserable. How long i have to wait to meet him, this so painful. Its 2.5 months now and pain is going deep deep and more deep. I will not see him again, touch him, listen him , this feeling giving me so much pain and day by day its going deeper. Just today I saw a cute video and wanted to share with him, and then I suddenly realised he's not here anymore. I thought it was a joke or an illusion but it's not. I still thought there would be a happy life for us. It's been almost three months and this still happens to me all the time. I feel like I'm going insane ...
  10. Don't know what to say

    I felt I was handling things ok in those first few weeks also I was so positive in first few weeks, thinking about becoming what he wanted me to be, trying new things. It took me 4 weeks to realize "he will never come back" and I came to this forum. It becomes harder when I began to get used to being alone, and the secondary loss started to hit me. Still now I am in shock and it's hard for me to not think about the differences. I went to college to deal with some paperwork for graduation a few days ago. I used to text my boyfriend when I went to/finished school. Last time I was there, I heard his death. I couldn't help thinking about the details of that day, the good old memories that we had. It was terrible. Three months ago I was having a busy but happy life. And now I walked on the same streets but everything is not the same.
  11. Third month

    Same. I still have small laughs when I see something funny. There are small joys but nothing close to true happiness. I'm generally sad. I'm just surviving.
  12. Two Months...

    Everything reminds me of him. I sometimes look at the things I bought because of him and think how ridiculous it is that those things are still here but my boyfriend's gone. We have been together for only a year, but I feel the same. Last year was tough for me, I made it because my boyfriend supported me through it. I don't know how to live without him. We were finally going to work on our plans and he suddenly died. It's also 2 months for me and I still look at his last message from that day saying he would be back at 9 pm. I know he will never come back but I always feel like waiting when it's 9 pm. It's terrible. None of us deserves it but it happened to us. I stopped asking why lately because I know there's no answer for it. I also hope my life can be shorter so I can be with him again. I can't find any words to comfort you because I feel the same way. But we have each other here and all of us understand.
  13. first birthday

    I havent celebrated a birthday without my boyfriend because mine is in Nov. But his birthday was in July, he died 4 weeks before it. It was quite painful because last year he promised that we would celebrate together. I spent that day painting, a picture of him and me. I was planning to bake a cake but then I thought I couldn't finish one cake just by myself so I gave it up. I probably won't celebrate my birthday again, not without him. He used to send me gifts when it was my birthday and christmas. The end of the year is hard for me.
  14. Plans

    I agree with this. Most of them don't see the secondary losses, don't recognize there are more than just loneliness and sadness. Sometimes they try to avoid talking about something that make us sad (the loss) and bring up something that "brightens" our mood(future, plans ...). But they don't know we lost our future at the same day we lost our soulmate. The secondary losses hit us so much because our soulmate was our everything, not just part of our lives.
  15. Plans

    I usually cry in the shower now, I can't cry in front of anyone. I cried once when my mom asked me about the future. I said I understand what she said about "moving on", but then she asked me "if you understand then why are you crying?" I laughed because from that moment I knew she will never understand. It's not about I understand, it's about if I can or not. So true. 50 years that I was supposed to be with him. And the future "plan" for me is spending my whole life missing that person I love. I heard people talking about the new babies that my cousins have during the family dinner. One of them just married few months ago. I thought I would be the same, being married and having babies ... everything. I wonder if I did something bad in my past life too. All I want is a normal life like the others. Is it so hard for me to get one? I used to pray sometimes, and I prayed for safety for me and him every time, didn't ask for anything else because I can achieve most with effort. But then he was taken away, and that is the only thing that no matter how I work hard or put so much effort, I can never bring him back. I understand, my boyfriend's sister also told me that she and I have to "move on". Maybe it's because before my boyfriend died, he said he would be happy if I find a job and meet a new boyfriend. And she thinks I should become what he wants me to. But I can't. I even wonder why it's important for me to get a job when I don't even have a future anymore. I'm glad your mother in law saw you as a daughter. I think his family and friends treats me as stranger. I listen to the skype recording everyday. Even though I already remember all the conversations, I still smile when I hear the same funny things he said. While the songs, it's so much. He covered 30+ songs last year and most of them were meant for me. When I listen to it now, it's sweet but also bitter. It's painful that there will be no more songs, no more sweet conversations from him.
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