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About KylieL

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  1. Plans

    Today marks the third month since I lost my boyfriend. I feel the worst. There are so much going on lately. Everything makes my grief complicated. Yesterday my brother left a message saying he will be out of the country for a while, and he left. My mom and I went to his house immediately but he's already gone. I found his old phone, logged into his email, found out he went to Iraq. He said he will explain after he come back but without saying volunteering in what. My mom was so terrified, she kept asking whether she did anything wrong or raised us in the wrong way that both her children are being like this. I tried to tell her none of the events happened to us is her fault but she kept saying sorry to me and telling me that she don't want to lose us. This gave me the worst headache, I feel sorry that I can't find any words to comfort her. I know my mom loves me but I feel stressed from all of her words. I was scared too. I wanted to call my boyfriend to find comfort but then I realized he's dead. It's the worst. I'm grieving so hard and I can't handle things like these. Like last second I was writing my diary about how much I miss my boyfriend and how much I want to reunite with him, and then I found out my brother left his home. I feel so stressed from all of these. I'm sorry this isn't really related to the topic but I don't know where to turn.
  2. Two Months...

    I wish this too, the world will end or i die, i just want to meet him. Why we are young, its very scary now to live like this. Everyday is struggle for me , people around me make plans, laugh on silly things and i am so miserable. How long i have to wait to meet him, this so painful. Its 2.5 months now and pain is going deep deep and more deep. I will not see him again, touch him, listen him , this feeling giving me so much pain and day by day its going deeper. Just today I saw a cute video and wanted to share with him, and then I suddenly realised he's not here anymore. I thought it was a joke or an illusion but it's not. I still thought there would be a happy life for us. It's been almost three months and this still happens to me all the time. I feel like I'm going insane ...
  3. Don't know what to say

    I felt I was handling things ok in those first few weeks also I was so positive in first few weeks, thinking about becoming what he wanted me to be, trying new things. It took me 4 weeks to realize "he will never come back" and I came to this forum. It becomes harder when I began to get used to being alone, and the secondary loss started to hit me. Still now I am in shock and it's hard for me to not think about the differences. I went to college to deal with some paperwork for graduation a few days ago. I used to text my boyfriend when I went to/finished school. Last time I was there, I heard his death. I couldn't help thinking about the details of that day, the good old memories that we had. It was terrible. Three months ago I was having a busy but happy life. And now I walked on the same streets but everything is not the same.
  4. Third month

    Same. I still have small laughs when I see something funny. There are small joys but nothing close to true happiness. I'm generally sad. I'm just surviving.
  5. Two Months...

    Everything reminds me of him. I sometimes look at the things I bought because of him and think how ridiculous it is that those things are still here but my boyfriend's gone. We have been together for only a year, but I feel the same. Last year was tough for me, I made it because my boyfriend supported me through it. I don't know how to live without him. We were finally going to work on our plans and he suddenly died. It's also 2 months for me and I still look at his last message from that day saying he would be back at 9 pm. I know he will never come back but I always feel like waiting when it's 9 pm. It's terrible. None of us deserves it but it happened to us. I stopped asking why lately because I know there's no answer for it. I also hope my life can be shorter so I can be with him again. I can't find any words to comfort you because I feel the same way. But we have each other here and all of us understand.
  6. first birthday

    I havent celebrated a birthday without my boyfriend because mine is in Nov. But his birthday was in July, he died 4 weeks before it. It was quite painful because last year he promised that we would celebrate together. I spent that day painting, a picture of him and me. I was planning to bake a cake but then I thought I couldn't finish one cake just by myself so I gave it up. I probably won't celebrate my birthday again, not without him. He used to send me gifts when it was my birthday and christmas. The end of the year is hard for me.
  7. Plans

    I agree with this. Most of them don't see the secondary losses, don't recognize there are more than just loneliness and sadness. Sometimes they try to avoid talking about something that make us sad (the loss) and bring up something that "brightens" our mood(future, plans ...). But they don't know we lost our future at the same day we lost our soulmate. The secondary losses hit us so much because our soulmate was our everything, not just part of our lives.
  8. Plans

    I usually cry in the shower now, I can't cry in front of anyone. I cried once when my mom asked me about the future. I said I understand what she said about "moving on", but then she asked me "if you understand then why are you crying?" I laughed because from that moment I knew she will never understand. It's not about I understand, it's about if I can or not. So true. 50 years that I was supposed to be with him. And the future "plan" for me is spending my whole life missing that person I love. I heard people talking about the new babies that my cousins have during the family dinner. One of them just married few months ago. I thought I would be the same, being married and having babies ... everything. I wonder if I did something bad in my past life too. All I want is a normal life like the others. Is it so hard for me to get one? I used to pray sometimes, and I prayed for safety for me and him every time, didn't ask for anything else because I can achieve most with effort. But then he was taken away, and that is the only thing that no matter how I work hard or put so much effort, I can never bring him back. I understand, my boyfriend's sister also told me that she and I have to "move on". Maybe it's because before my boyfriend died, he said he would be happy if I find a job and meet a new boyfriend. And she thinks I should become what he wants me to. But I can't. I even wonder why it's important for me to get a job when I don't even have a future anymore. I'm glad your mother in law saw you as a daughter. I think his family and friends treats me as stranger. I listen to the skype recording everyday. Even though I already remember all the conversations, I still smile when I hear the same funny things he said. While the songs, it's so much. He covered 30+ songs last year and most of them were meant for me. When I listen to it now, it's sweet but also bitter. It's painful that there will be no more songs, no more sweet conversations from him.
  9. Plans

    Sometimes I am amazed that we have so much in common but also sad that we both lost our soulmate. Yes, to all the words you said. I try to keep myself busy, find something to read, to watch. My mom gives me tasks all the time, helping her in the kitchen, cleaning the house ... I just do whatever she asks me to. But I feel so empty without his texts, his voice, his everything. I live with my parents and I try not to cry out loud because they will probably say something like "you should move on" again. I find out no matter how busy I am, I will always recall the good memories with him, and the memories from the day that I knew he's gone. He was a good singer and did many cover songs. I used to play his songs while doing my projects and freelance work. Now I love and also hate to listen to the songs because only his voice can calm me down, but it would always remind me that he is not here anymore. Distraction seems not working for me, it only reminds me "oh ... he's not here" again and again. So now I'm trying to put my feelings into words or art ... hoping that it will help me get used to live with the loss.
  10. Plans

    I take one day at a time too. Sometimes I think maybe I should just find a job and make everyone shut up about my future, but I'm so tired to do that. And too tired to plan for anything.
  11. Plans

    That's what I was thinking. My mom said she understands how I feel because she was once young too. But there's nothing to do with age. She never lost her partner, my dad is still here, being healthy. And then she tried to bring up my grandpa, who passed away last year, basically because he was too old to live and he died peacefully. How could it be compared to my love's death? I will never say things like "if dad dies, you will understand", but TBH she will never understand until that day comes.
  12. Plans

    I would stay too, if I were you. My boyfriend and I didn't live together, but we planned to. I still hope that I can stay in his house, actually I wish to stay there forever, though his family will never allow me to. I understand. I knew my boyfriend would die earlier because his body was always weak and he had to stay in the hospital for months last year to get better. I knew someday it would be our last time to talk so I spent every night talking to him, but I never thought it would be so soon that we couldn't even get time to finish any of our plans. I have "small plans" too, or tasks like finishing a book or a movie. Big plans or serious plans for future, I don't think I'm capable of doing that anymore.
  13. Plans

    I was always amazed by the fact that it's been 12 years for you. I wonder if I can make it to 12 years. I started to learn how to live with the loss lately, but every time I hear my mom or anyone else asking about the future, I feel being knocked down again. Then I go back to mourn again. I take one day at a time too. Being alive is already a difficult task for me.
  14. Plans

    I don't exactly count days. Sometimes it feels like years, but also yesterday. I write diaries since my boyfriend died. Every time when I state the date or look at how many pages I wrote, I thought "oh, it's the third month now, how could it be", and soon there will be more ... Me too. I am stuck and lost. I just sit here, waiting for something, but I don't really know what I'm waiting for.
  15. Plans

    Has anyone been asked about their plans for future? It's the third month. Every day I just do things that I want to, without thinking about the future. My mom talked to me few days ago. She asked me if I had any plans for the future, I don't know, and I honestly answered I have no plans. But then she kept asking me to "live a new life." "You should go outside and make new friends" "You should just keep this in your heart and move on" "You should think about the future. I can't support you forever." I tried to explain to her, she just wanted me to do something that she thinks it's good for me. I understand she is worrying about me, and I explained that I need time. But more I explain, the more she misunderstands. She thinks I'm "trapping" myself, but of course i'm not. I was not an outgoing person before and not even now. I have friends but they have work and they can't spend all the time with me. I don't have a job now because I don't want to burst into tears when I suddenly think of him during work. I don't want to make new friends because I am so tired to pretend I'm interested in what people talking about. I can barely laugh or smile. Last night I had a family dinner. I didn’t want to go. I hate this kind of dinner but my mom wished me to. So I just sit there, didn’t have anything to talk about. There are so many people, all are relatives, not very close. They don’t know what happened to me and that’s good because I don't want any "pity eyes". But I’m so tired hearing them talking, laughing. Then suddenly I realized it’s already September, and I remembered his plans. He said he would come visit me in late Aug and early Sep. If he’s still here, he would sit next to me, laugh, eat, and I would be so happy to introduce him to the others. But there’s only me, siting with so many people, feeling so alone. It took me so much to hold back the tears. It’s only the third month. Three months ago we had so many plans. I spent so much effort to handle my school projects, exams, freelance work; to find a real job; to maintain the relationship with him. And I thought, when I finished my college, I could take a break from my busy life and finally stay with him. I didn’t expect everything ended at the same day … my busy life, my dreams and plans for the future. “What are your plans for the future?” I don’t know. Last time I had so many plans, and it ended in disaster. I don’t know how to plan anymore. I don’t know how to plan without him.