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About nicoleashley94

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  1. Almost five months now

    Hi all- Its been almost five months now since I lost my boyfriend. Im finding the pain to be a different sort of unbearable now compared to previously. I wrote this a few days ago to explain how I feel: A new kind of sadness has moved in It's the kind of sadness when you realize how much time has passed and their death is actually starting to feel real - whether you're ready for it or not It's the kind of sadness when you realize you do need to move on and you realize you can have a life with another person. You forget memories and everything is mashed together and confusing and you get mad at yourself because why can't you remember clearly?? It's a nagging pain. It constantly looks for your attention and needs to be tended to. If you don't tend to it in the quiet moments, it'll burst onto the scene when you're at work or some other inopportune time. You feel your temporary strength diminishing and wonder where the hell did all the motivation within me to live my best life go to? You realize living is hard and there are ups and downs, always. Grief doesn't dissipate over night and there's nothing wrong with that, or with you. I dont know why it appears in a larger font. Oh well. I guess I'm just ultimately looking for someone who relates, as I have been feeling very alone and have been isolating a lot. I just feel so horrifyingly sad and it is interfering with graduate school. Thanks for listening.
  2. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    Thank you Nat. I am sorry for your loss as well. I can't believe we are so close in age and the date we lost our partners is so close as well. Days have been getting much easier but still have horrible days as to be expected. If you'd like to keep in touch feel free to email me. It'd be nice to have a friend. I don't come on here too much anymore. It's painful at the moment. My email is - nicoledubiac@kings.edu
  3. Judgment on length of relationship

    I'm sorry Everyone.. I just don't have the energy in me to reply to each of you individually. Just know I read each of your replies and I appreciate each and every one of you. You guys often bring tears of comfort to my eyes. Thank you.
  4. Judgment on length of relationship

    I agree, each person's loss is unique and their loss is the greatest. No one else can know how another person feels, especially as there are so many influencing factors in the way that someone grieves. Thank you for your reassurance.
  5. Judgment on length of relationship

    I didn't end up falling asleep until 5:30am...very common for me. I'm sorry you struggle to fall asleep as well. I'm sorry it was a painful day for you. You are right..love is measured by moments and the moments we shared I was able to be blessed with were the greatest moments of my life. Your dream about your wedding day brought tears to my eyes, because I know the thought all too well. Jake and I talked about our future, we spoke about getting eloped one day and he always said I would be the most beautiful bride and he would be so blessed to have me as his wife. I also know the feeling you expressed of Mario knowing you best, that is how Jake was...he always took care of me, knew what to say, knew what to do to make me smile and make me feel happier than anything else in this world. I was so very happy. I try my best not to be angry, but it is difficult. Especially when people try to invalidate my grief because we had not been together for years. I get so tearful and angry when I think of all the things we never experienced together.
  6. Judgment on length of relationship

    Well, it's 2:57am and I can't sleep as usual. As I said in my very first post, nights are dreadful for me. Anyway...ever since Jake has passed, I have been finding people to be judgmental just because we had not been together very long at all- we were best friends for four months and were only together a little over a month. When you discuss losing your partner with someone, often they will ask "how long were you together?" as if once you give your answer, they judge whether your level of grief is acceptable or not. I think this is utter nonsense. I loved and cherished Jake more than anyone I had ever dated, and our love was deeper and more meaningful than what I had in my previous two year and three year relationships...I think time is irrelevant. I am sick of being judged. I am in so much pain I cannot stand it. I feel so alone and isolated. It has been almost twelve weeks and I feel so very sad, anxious, depressed, and lonely. I think people have unrealistic expectations for me and I can't bear it anymore. I lost my biggest support and my only inspiration and motivation in my life. I grieve the moments we never shared together and all of the plans we had together. I have never been more in sync with a person in my life. I miss him so much. I want to be able to express myself and be understood. I only felt understood by Jake. He was a once in a lifetime type of person. Honestly, I feel like as the weeks go by I get more sad and feel more hopeless...when will I begin to feel even a little bit better? My mind has been going to seriously dark places these past two weeks. I just want to be with him, and I cannot wait until the day I die when I get to see his beautiful face again. How do I handle this judgment and my feelings of isolation?
  7. When were you able to talk to a therapist?

    Donna, For me, I contacted a grief counselor immediately (like the day after my partner had passed away) because I had experienced loss of a friend before, and had very little support and it took me a longgg time to process through that grief (we're talking 3 years) in a healthy manner. So for me, doing this immediately was very helpful and continues to be helpful. It's important to have a connection with your counselor as not all are created equal and you won't always click with the first one right off the bat. Do what you feel is best. Best of luck
  8. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    I know I will never replace Jake, I just also know I won't be alone for the rest of my life... and I just don't know if I will ever find anyone who understands that Jake will always be a part of my life and can accept this and know how to handle me and my emotions. I think that is great your friend was able to find someone who also lost their partner and they share that commonality. It's just very hard. Tears are running down my face over the thought of being with anyone who isn't Jake.
  9. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    Marsha, I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend Alfred. It sucks when the world keeps going on and we are left to suffer through daily tasks that seem near impossible. I hope that you can continue to take care of yourself and refrain from drinking and know that Alfred is there encouraging you still, though he may not physically be there. <3
  10. sudden death boyfriend

    Silva, I am so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend, and that you had to find him. I am so sorry you feel guilt. I can relate to all of these...I lost my boyfriend Jake, 22, to a drug overdose. I had absolutely zero idea that Jake had relapsed (he had six months clean), and his death came as a huge shock to each and every one of us. I had gone on Vacation to Vermont to sort through some personal things I had been struggling with, and did not want to even go and leave Jake behind, but I did. I knew when he and I would talk on the phone during my trip, something was off with him..but he told me he was sick with a stomach virus and I believed him, but deep down I knew something was off with him. I was offered another night free by the vacation rental owners and I accepted the extra night. I get so angry at myself sometimes that I did not leave my trip early or refuse that extra night's stay. I should have left and been with Jake. I returned home on a Saturday and Jake and I did not have plans to see each other, due to me having a 7 hour drive home I knew I would be tired. I get home Saturday, and he told me he was in the hospital and he said he passed out at work and his boss had sent him to the ER, but he was not being clear as what was going on. We argued a lot. I ask myself all the time why didn't I just drive down and see him? I was selfish. But I know that in that very moment, I had planned on seeing him the very next day, and I had planned to have many, many more days together with him. I could have never changed what happened. I need to accept that. There are a million would have's, could have's, and should have's, But we must remember we are not always in control of things. This is never easy to accept. We as humans love having control. I feel that it is okay to think about the list of things that we could have done differently, but don't torture yourself believing that you could have saved his life. I think to myself, sure I could have possibly saved Jake if i intervened differently, and he could have lived for hours, days, or weeks, but I know deep down he would have relapsed again and he would be led down the same fatal path regardless. We don't get to control when other people pass, sadly. As far as staying in his house alone, no one can tell you what is right or wrong for you..only you hold the answers. Trial and error never hurts. See what feels right and what feels wrong and always take care of yourself, though it is difficult to sometimes. Best wishes to you as you go through the ups and downs of this journey.
  11. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    I am sorry for your loss, KayC. This power being stripped from you piece hit me very hard. I feel very out of control, and I agree being able to use our voice is the only thing we can control. I feel so much heartache and pain. It makes me very afraid to ever enter into another relationship ever again, for fear of "replacing" Jake and also for fear that will always be in the back of my mind of possibly losing anyone new who comes into my life.
  12. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    I am sorry for your loss. Yes, I try to always think of how other people are feeling/handling this. Everyone's relationship and viewpoints and experiences are unique, and so their grief will be unique as well. Thank you<3
  13. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    I completely feel the same as you about constantly wanting to speak about Jake. I find it very healing. <3
  14. Lost my wife

    Azipod, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I am sure that the funeral services took their toll on you. If going back to work feels right for you, then that is all that matters. If it feels too soon, take some more time off. Whatever your decision is..it is okay. You need to do what is best for you in this moment. I know right now it is difficult to muster up the energy to care enough to take care of yourself; I have been there (it has been 11 weeks now since Jake has passed) and I still find days where I just cant bear to do much more other than simply get out of bed in the mornings. Do not be critical of yourself. Know that this journey called grief is filled with a huge array of emotions and each and every emotion you experience is normal, and each of us have our own unique set we experience. I understand somewhat the part of you wanting to come home to your wife and be with her, though I did not live with my boyfriend. There are times I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call Jake or text him. There are times I get notifications on my phone and still a part of me gets hopeful that it is him. It is very painful and it is like a rush of pain all over again. It is overwhelming. Not much will ease this, other than time. Know that you are not alone, despite how isolated and lonely you may feel in this moment. Hang on, because on day it will get easier. It might not be as soon as you would wish (we can't cheat grief, sadly) but it will eventually come. You have to take the good with the bad. Hang in there. Reach out when you need to. You are loved. Take care of yourself.
  15. Lost my soulmate to an OD

    I'm sorry you have not had a good day in a while, I am hoping it comes soon for you. You deserve it. I agree, 9 out of 10 people do not understand our pain and do not understand what is and is not appropriate to say..therefore, I try to save myself the annoyance and avoid most people like the plague. I am definitely avoiding my family, because I do not have a very large or close family, and I feel they do not understand either...so I feel best keeping to myself and keeping my one friend close. I also have Jake's mother and brother for support...but even that is limited because they do not live close and they are grieving in their own unique ways. It is very lonely, but I'm learning to deal with it. Jake and I's relationship was very private and personal and so I am dealing with it in a very private and personal way too, I suppose. I definitely try to focus moment by moment, otherwise I would feel too overwhelmed and I would have given up.