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About Azipod

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    Advanced Member

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  • Angel Date
    July 2017

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  1. Michal. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. The circumstances that led up to the event can be difficult to accept. I know it's hard to see things this way right now, but there are some aspects of our life that we cannot control. While this doesn't make it OK, it helps to understand that none of us can live our life with a crystal ball. We can never know what will happen. On the spiritual level, there are many things that can explain how and why the circumstances took place, but given how fresh your loss is, I am not going to elaborate on what those reasons could be. All you want to focus on right now is yourself, and knowing that you took the action you took because it was what how you felt at that very moment. We cannot control the outcome of all events. And even if you had answered the phone call, there is no assurance that the event would not have happened prior to your arrival. Either way, I can understand how troubling this is for you. I would suggest getting professional help so that you can properly process your thoughts and feelings. I feel that there are some unique matters and a trained individual may be able to give you some really good guidance.
  2. Grieving my future

    Survivors guilt is common and it is normal to feel this way. Unfortunately, there are many challenges in life and for most of us, we are distracted in our every day duties that we neglect to think about the most important person in our life. I'm sure everyone here feels the same way as you do .... we all wish that we spent more time and gave our partners more attention while they were alive. I'm certainly one of these people. The way to look at any feelings of guilt, is to concentrate your thoughts on the intentions. Because if we think about our underlying intentions, we will quickly realize that 9 out of 10 times, we did what we did out of love. And if it's out of love, there is nothing to be guilty about.
  3. One Year Later - I'm still here

    Francine - Thank you for the beautiful insightful post about your experiences from your grief journey. Coming up on 6-months, I do agree with a lot of your bullet points which resonates solidly with me. I'm sure in time, your points will be even more vivid and clear in my mind. I never imagined that losing my wife would hit me on so many different levels, whether it is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and even spiritually. We are all on this grief train which no destination in sight. All we're doing is bumping up and down like a roller coaster, while going left and right, upside down, all in the dark. We need more grievers like you, Francine. Thank you for your insight and for always helping us here. Hitting the 1-year is a big accomplishment. It is a mile stone, albeit not a happy one.
  4. Lost the love of my life

    Tammys50 - I am so sorry to hear about what happened. Losing your spouse is incredibly difficult and this is really just the tip of the ice berg. Along with the primary loss, there can be secondary losses which compiles onto the underlying problem. You have started to experience some of his involving your sister and brother already. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I lost my wife after only being with her just shy of 6-years. I cannot imagine spending 26-years of marriage with someone and then suddenly they are taken away. I am so sorry. The feelings for you right are really raw and real. It will take time to settle in. Your feelings, and emotions, will shift dramatically as time goes on. There will plenty of unhappy periods in the upcoming months but just know that when you are down in the dumps, and you need others to hear you out... make sure you come onto this forum. This will be one of the few places where you can get to day in and day out knowing that everyone here, truly understands how you feel. Take care and hang in there for now. Btw, it takes a lot of courage and strength to come to a forum like this and post less than a week after the loss. I applaud you for coming here.
  5. Don't know what to say

    Going back to work is a big, but positive step for your recovery. Having structure, responsibilities, and other things to temporarily allow your mind to shift to other thoughts will be helpful. Whenever you feel ready, I would suggest that you take the step to do it. It will be painful. It will somewhat odd to face other co-workers, because most of them will say something stupid or otherwise unhelpful. But going back to work will help you take one of thousands of steps to try to go back to one aspect of your life. When we experience a profound loss such as losing a partner, there are "portals" from the other side that opens up. The veil between our world is thin at times, and certainly when we suffer a loss of someone important. Unfortunately, not all can recognize these portals. I was never spiritual or believed in the afterlife in the past. However, since my wife's passing, I've had a number of unusual experiences which confirms for me of her existence, and that she is still around to comfort me. It helps me cope, but it is far from a solution to this life crisis.
  6. Lost my boyfriend a week ago

    Jenn4, you are so not alone with these thoughts. Welcome to our club .... the one that no body wants to be a part of.
  7. Lost my boyfriend a week ago

    It doesn't get better. It just gets different. If you allow yourself to grieve properly, in time, the pain will be less intense. Still, the emptiness, loneliness, and the void that is in your heart will be forever etched into it. It will also be painful .... but in a different way. In my book, "better" means that I can somehow have my wife back. If my wife is gone FOREVER, there is nobody, nothing, nada in this world that would make things "better."
  8. Lost my boyfriend a week ago

    Jenn4, what you said is really true. It's hard enough to have to deal with our loss but sometimes helping others while you are grieving yourself makes it even more difficult. Sometimes trying to tackle our own grief is already consuming. During my earlier months, there was the Las Vegas shooting and the wild fires up in Northern CA. I was in a very selfish mode... I could have cared less about those tragedies because I had my own tragedy to deal with. Heck, I even felt that I would happily give up MY LIFE for one of the victims in Las Vegas who wanted to live. In a slightly different topic .. you are also correct about needing to be comforted by your own partner, and not someone else. That's what partners are for. One of the most devastating realities to this loss is that the one who we count on the most during a crisis (such as this!!!!), is the one that is gone and not here. That in itself is a huge problem for all of us.
  9. Don't know what to say

    Going to bed at 7pm is quite early! Are you an early riser?
  10. Lost my boyfriend a week ago

    I don't think any of us "survived" our grief, but merely just existed through it. I am a zombie. I'm entirely crippled, and limping around life dragging behind my broken leg (and heart).
  11. Lost my boyfriend a week ago

    I won't tell you that your feelings and experiences are "normal" because I've said that enough lately on this forum. I will say that, and hopefully this helps you, is that each one of us have felt or is currently feeling exactly the same way as you are. The grief is very intense, consuming, and demanding. The pain sometimes is so intense that it draws you down to your knees and our faces let out a waterfall. I, like you, was totally afraid of death in the past. I worried about when and how it was going to happen, and whether it would be painful. Now that my wife has already gone away, there is absolutely no reason for me to be afraid of death at all. I welcome and invite death to come find me these days. I hope so much each day that when I close my eyes and sleep, that I will not wake up. In other words, I am so ready to go. I'm just waiting for it to take me. I have no purpose here.
  12. Don't know what to say

    I use to sleep at 11 pm each night. Lately, I've been starting to hop into bed at around 9:30 - 10:00 pm.... and it's getting a bit earlier each week. This week, I'm feeling the itch to move my bed time up to 9:00 am. I just don't have any reason to stay up longer. Going to bed/sleep (which surprisingly I can do without any problems), takes me away from my daily misery.
  13. Don't know what to say

    One of the things that was really helpful for me in the early periods of my stage was returning back to work. Going back to work gave me responsibility, structure, and kept me away from our home... a place that was difficult for me to be in during the very early days. In fact, I had a hard time leaving work each day .... knowing that I would be returning to an empty house. In the earlier days, that was one of the biggest challenges (among others) each day. We don't do overtime at my work. But if we did, I'd sign up in a heartbeat and just keep working. I have nothing to do during the weekends and life feels so empty. It would be great if I can take up some of that time by working. I'm glad you have that option. I know things are still new for you. In time, you may be able to lessen some of the work and give yourself back some of the time and rest you deserve.
  14. Don't know what to say

    The dreaded "Fridays" and other unwanted experiences are now a part of our "new life." The reality is tough to swallow. It's sour, bitter, and just doesn't feel good. There's not much to say other than that I'm being a "zombie" and just going through the motions each day. It is really tiring and sad.
  15. Lost my world last Friday

    Lovingstill, I am sorry that you are feeling down. The "down in the dumps" feeling will be a frequent visitor. Your lost of your partner was very recently and I know that the feelings are very raw and intense during the first few months. I know that you are feeling overwelmed with grief and feel like you've been consumed by the grief monster. Unfortunately, there's no way out of this grief. The way we recover is by facing, feeling, or otherwise experiencing the grief. We can't brush it off and hope that it will go away --- it does not. I'm glad that you have your family to be apart of your support system. There are many other grievers who do not have family nearby. That said, I know that even with family, it only makes things marginally better and it does not serve as a replacement for the void and emptiness you have inside your heart. I have family (both sides) to support me too. But at the same time, I know that at the end of the day, I am still going to go home to an empty home. Grief can be intense and delibitating at times. As you continue down this grief journey, you will slowly built up strength, and it will be different (and arguably, easier) down the line. You will get acclimated with pain and drama it brings. Then, as each wave of grief that comes your way down the line, you'll be better equipped to deal with it. The first time around the grief (which is what you are facing now) is very difficult. Just hang in there and go for the ride. The next time around it will be different. Sorry there is no solution to this. It's just preparing ourselves on how to deal with it. I'm sorry.