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About Azipod

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    Advanced Member

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  • Angel Date
    July 2017

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  1. Grieving my future

    Sunflower, that is such a beautiful post. You are correct. People say "sorry for your loss" or offer their condolenses but it's really just trying to be nice. There is very few people out there that truly knows how we feel, or perhaps most importantly, what we go through not each day, but each moment. Some with sympathy can only see our grief as its surface, they think that it's such a tragedy for us to lose someone and perhaps think as far as us, going home to an empty house at the end of each day. Well, that's only the surface. If they were ever able to spend a day in our shoes, they'll know that our grief goes way beyond the act of going home. It is everything that happens behind the front door that is the true grief. The loneliness, the emptyness, the constant reminder of our loved one that was once there. They don't live with us to see us crawling into an empty bed each night, waking up to the same empty space next to us, or waking up in the middle of the night realizing that it's much colder now because there isn't any body next to us. You are also correct about our connections that we have now. Having spiritual connections is great.... but it's far far from having a physical connection. It is absolutely no replacement. That said, I am grateful that I have the ability to make a connection with my higher-self..... something that didn't exist at all before my wife's passing.
  2. Happy Valent...Shut up!

    Like everyone here, Valentines Day sucked. I bought red roses and went to the cemetery. This is my new life.
  3. 3 months later...,

    I am so sorry for how you are feeling. At 3 months, for me, I was truly in the thick of it. Perhaps you may be too. We will all get to "a peak" at some point and then things come down before going up a bit again. It's a up and down roller coaster. In one of the grief presentations I sat in on very early in my grief, there was one saying that.... "You will feel worse because you are getting better." At that time, I had absolutely no idea what that meant and it just sounded confusing to me. As I got into my grief, I quickly then realized that grief is a roller coaster. Not just up and down, but left and right, spiraling out of control............ and all in the dark! So, there will be many twist and turns and even the same twists/turns you've been through, each time around they will be different in its own way. So yes, some days/weeks will be worse. But it's all part of the process. Now, I'm at 7.5 months. I don't have have the grief attacks anymore. But in many other ways, which is too complicated to explain in one sitting, I can tell you that some things are worse in it's own way. There's many layers and facets to the grief. There's more than just the grief attacks. When you get to a point where you can think and function very clearly (like where I am at), you'll realize that that's other emotional struggles to deal with after you "graduate" away from the initial shock and denial. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
  4. Grieving my future

    Lisa, I don't have much of the rocky waves anymore..... The sea for me is fairly calm with very occasional jolts. Despite not being rocked by strong waves, it is still VERY depressing on my end. We are all indeed serving a life sentences for a crime that we did not commit. As I journey through many months of grief, wherein things become clearer and clearer each day, I now see things so clear, that I know there is no more joy and purpose in my life... not anymore. My life is beyond shattered. Very depressing indeed.
  5. I felt a huge gush of sadness that fell on me like a bunch of bricks when I read your post. This week, I've tried to explore the definition of happiness. I've realized that I'll never have the happiness and joy the same way as I did before. Moving forward, any happiness and joy I find in life will be different... it's going to be a different kind of happiness/joy that will have a hint of sadness attached to it. It's like having that yummy sweet piece of pie, but somehow after swallowing the piece, you realize there's a bit of an after-taste and something about it just isn't right. I think that's my life. As for future relationships, I think any future soulmates we all run into will have to have some degree of understanding of what we have been through. In turn, we also need to develop a relationship where we can balance our past with our present. It's complicated and brings a very interesting dynamic to a relationship.
  6. Grieving my future

    I do look forward to this. Sadly, this is one of the things that carries me through each day. I do however, envy other widows and widowers who are in a more advanced age than I am. I would feel a lot more happier if I knew I was within 10-15 years of the avg. life expectancy. But who knows? Maybe I get to go young and early too.... I am so waiting to go home.
  7. I understand and share your pain. The thought of being with someone else just doesn't seem possible. How can I carry on my life with someone else knowing that I've lost wife #1? I will always miss her and think about her even if there is another person in my life. But again, how in the world am I going to live the next 5-decades being a miserable widower? Perhaps my feelings will evolve and I will feel different in the future. However, I can't see myself enjoying life anymore. There is no joy, there is no happiness.... at least not in the same way as I've had it before.
  8. I agree. There isn't really any more joy in life and we're just existing because that's the only choice we have now. If I can turn back time, I would tell and show my wife more frequently about how much she meant to me and how much I love her; I am very guilty of not doing this frequently. Just like you said, I took our relationship for granted and I thought that we had plenty of time together.... I mean PLENTY. During the night of the event, I had no clue that I was going to lose her. Even on my way to the hospital, I just thought she was ill. It didn't even cross my mind that she would pass. Imagine the shock for me. It totally sucks. I don't really know how to do this. But again, no one does. There's so much I wish I can tell her (in person). I know I can't do that now. But I know she sees my pain and she sees how much I meant to her. If everyone in this world knew and understood what love is, there would be so much more love around us humans. But the sad truth is that most of us are busy with our own life, and we are selfish to an extent, and we don't have a clue that people can just go.... at the blink of an eye. Bless us all!
  9. Grieving my future

    You are so correct on this. I'm a week into my 7th month and over the last few weeks, I've noticed a new change. The grief monster hasn't really attacked me lately but more importantly, I'm really sensing a bit of a distance relationship with the grief. Some parts of me tends to remind me these days of: "This is your new life. You're getting use to your daily routine and activities. You've been doing fine. This is your new life. You will slowly, but surely, adjust to this." And so I've been going along my days just doing what I need to do. I haven't really been bogged down with grief attacks or anything else. I still miss my wife. But the grief seems to have shifted to the back burner. It has however, triggered some thoughts about why I am feeling like this. Is it OK that I feel more calm and collected. If I'm not grieving as hard, does that mean I don't love my wife anymore? The thoughts of my wife isn't bringing me smiles yet, but perhaps that will come in a little bit more. A big part of me wants to say that I'm probably a toe into the acceptance phase. The last few weeks have begun to show me a glimpse of what things will stem out from down the road. That said, I'm mindful to know that things can always change. Even though I am progressing very well based on where I am TODAY, it just means that's where I am TODAY. There will also be a possibility that my healing will stop and I will hit a plateau down the line. So I'm mindful about that and I need to keep working forward. As much progress I have made, I am still very sad. There is still a big hole in my heart and that will be there.... likely forever. Even though I am not as miserable as before, I am still miserable. I hope this post makes sense. I want to emphasize that even though we get better, the better doesn't mean we won't be sad or miss our loved ones. We always will. There will always be a big hole... a big void in our heart..... and that still, will remain painful.
  10. What do I do??

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. I have a hunch that neither your mother or your sister truly understands the pain and grief you are going through. If only people knew. If they did, they would be more accomodating.
  11. What life is left now?

    Is this subscription based? If so, is there a free trial period?
  12. What do I do??

    I do enjoy so much of his videos. It is perfect in line with the spiritual beliefs. Funny thing is that I did all my learning about the spirit realm all through other sources. Then, I came across his videos and then he pretty much summed up everything, easily. I think his main job is writing books for children, hence all the cartoon and drawings from his explanations.
  13. Grieving my future

    I don't think that there's a good answer for this. I'm also not sure what you mean by happy memories. I'm at 7 months and 4 days today. I do smile. I can engage in conversations with others. I can talk to strangers. I can smile and engage in small talk with the cashier when I buy coffee. But happy memories? No way. Everyday is miserable. While I can go to work, do my job, come home, cook for myself, maintain the house, handle my finances, that doesn't mean I am happy. I do not enjoy my life. I find some comfort and healing here. And I do enjoy helping others. But my life? Psss.. forget it. I rather just die. A big piece of me already did went my wife left.
  14. Grieving my future

    Isn't that true!? The grief doesn't hit us like a truck anymore. But we are still moping around everyday with a dull pain -- kind of like going about our day with a knife lodged inside our heart. It's true that all of our feelings and emotions are cyclical. It's all the ups and downs. One week we would be great, and then BAM, the next week we go down the other way. I've been having some anger lately too. It's angry that everyone out in the world is going about their normal life but I am here suffering, and will be suffering indefinitely. It's so unfair. Of all the pain and grief that I've put up with in the past 1/2 year is just the unimaginable. It's suffering day in and day out, every single minute of the day. I'm sure most people will cringe with the thought of having to just spend one day in my shoes. It is not a pleasant experience but is downright devastating, to say the least.
  15. Grieving my future

    I know it's not easy to blame yourself. Most of us all have all those "what if" questions just wondering that if we did or did not do something else, the outcome would have been different. I don't know we will ever find out. The "what if" questions can also be thought of as: "What if I did CPR and things still did not work out?" I guess the point is that we would never know what things happen and the "what if" thoughts usually don't help us but takes up valuable energy. .. something we don't have much of these days. I know this doesn't really answer your question or makes things any better. But I am hoping that you can find some healing in knowing that you didn't do anything wrong. Things happen because things happen. We don't have control of everything in our life.