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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Azipod

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  • Content count

    403
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About Azipod

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    California
  • Loss Type
    Wife
  • Angel Date
    07/01/2017

Recent Profile Visitors

226 profile views
  1. Bad day

    Yeah. This is our new life. I've been keeping myself busy. But it's all new activities and things, some of which is grief related, that I am incoprorating into my free time. It does suck. This new life is totally different from what I use to do with my wife. The days, the nights, are all different. I don't like it. Sometimes I do feel like this is a band-aid fix. But overall, I think it's basically me trying to rebuild my life and creating new days and activities that I can live with. It stink. Tonight at 7pm, I thought about my wife (I always do anyway). I thought about how she would walk through the door coming home from work at 7pm and we would then hug and have dinner together. But now, not anymore. 7pm is another night alone, by myself in the house. Sucks.
  2. Broken

    I know. We are always going to feel some guilt. Before I came online, I read some of my wife's medical records which came in recently. I am trying to put together a timeline for her condition and her visits. Despite having an underlining illness, I found out that my wife was not following up with her doctors as much as she was suppose to. Do I feel guilty for not being more involved in her health? Yes, a bit. There was more I could have done. But I didn't. I didn't advocate for my wife to push her to see the doctors. I do feel a bit guilty but not too much. I don't blame myself. But yes. There will always be that feeling of "what if" I had been more involved. I don't know. Without going into the full details, I think my wife made a decision to live her life a particular way. And it just so happen that I was not involved in this area of her life and she "got away with it" and did what she wanted.
  3. Broken

    These are really good points. One thing to note is that whatever outcome came may have been the best quality of life for our loved one. We just don't know. My wife had a chronic illness which finally caught up to her. There are times where I think that perhaps earlier intervention would have changed things. But even so, it could have meant that even if she didn't go she would have lived more days suffering. No one knows. It's probably wise to spend our energy in another area because we would never find out the "what if scenario."
  4. Your post really highlights the framework which may show the purpose of being here on earth. You do good things. You help others. You live a good life. Yet, you are rewarded with immense pain from the loss of a spouse. There has to be so much more to this. Perhaps there is some purpose to this tragedy. It is meant for things to develop. Perhaps at the end, things will figure itself out and will fall into place. When we return home to the spirit world, we will realize why the events unfolded the way it did and things will for once, make sense.
  5. Bad day

    Oh there is plenty of that everywhere. It's a problem with our society as a whole. We are not taught about grief and not taught about how to do deal with death. We are taught about careers, retirement planning, health, etc. But no one is taught about grief. It is a taboo subject. It is even more prevailing in some other cultures such as mine .... being Asian. People will be cheerful in the office and say: "How are you doing?!!!!" The right thing for them to say is "How are you doing, today?" Or better, you say, "My partner died. How the f**k do you think I am doing?" Or comes Friday and everyone is like "Happy Friday!!! What are you going to do this weekend?" You should say, well. Excuse me. I think I'm going to spend my weekend mourning. Then sometimes people will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you." We should say, "Yes, please bring back my partner." PEOPLE JUST DON"T GET IT! Our life is frozen while everyone else's life is continuing as if nothing ever happened.
  6. Broken

    We will feel some sort of guilt. The important part is not to focus on what you could or would have done. The part to focus on is the intent. We will always have some sort of guilt because there is the "what if I did this, or what if I did that, or what if I noticed something earlier?" We can't blame ourselves for these kind of things. If we could all see into the future then a lot of problems in life would be solved --- but that is unrealistic. We are humans. We learn from our actions. We are not perfect. However, if we focus on our intent, almost every single time we can conclude that we made our decisions and choices out of love. We cared for our partners. Caring doesn't neccessarily mean that we will push them to see a doctor at every time there is discomfort. Caring and love means that we took care of them, we made the best choices based on the circumstances at that very moment, and we had the intent and desire to love them and make them happy.
  7. KMB, This is so true. I always thought that if we had an income, a home, and each other, that everything will be OK. Little that I know that something can sweep one of us away from the other without any warning. We are vulnerable. We definiately do not have control of our life. We are very vulnerable.
  8. Lost my soulmate

    Bjsbabydoll, I am so sorry to hear about this. From your posts, it sounds like there are some challenges in finding support groups and therapists. Do you have family with you? You should consider putting together a support system. A list of individuals who you can lean on, talk to, and those who can help you with your daily needs. It doesn't have to be long term, but you will have to get some helps for the challenges you are going to face. The loss of a spouse is considered your primary loss. But off that bat, it sounds like you have your secondary losses too: home, transportation, care for son, etc. It's going to be tough. I know the pain is unbearable. We have all gone through this --- and most of us are still going to go through it. Keep posting here and use this forum as an outlet for your pain and grief. Take care of yourself. You are going to be starting a long long, journey with many turns and twists. It will not be pleasant but we are here to help. You are not alone and everyone here understands what you are going through.
  9. Lost my soulmate

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  10. Lost my soulmate

    Bjsbabydoll, I am so sorry to hear about this. From your posts, it sounds like there are some challenges in finding support groups and therapists. Do you have family with you? You should consider putting together a support system. A list of individuals who you can lean on, talk to, and those who can help you with your daily needs. It doesn't have to be long term, but you will have to get some helps for the challenges you are going to face. The loss of a spouse is considered your primary loss. But off that bat, it sounds like you have your secondary losses too: home, transportation, care for son, etc. It's going to be tough. I know the pain is unbearable. We have all gone through this --- and most of us are still going to go through it. Keep posting here and use this forum as an outlet for your pain and grief. Take care of yourself. You are going to be starting a long long, journey with many turns and twists. It will not be pleasant but we are here to help. You are not alone and everyone here understands what you are going through.
  11. Don't know what to say

    It is very interesting how we discover new things that moves us. That's the beauty of grief, if we can call it that. Over time, we can see how we emerge from what was once a hopeless individual to someone with new strength, passion, and creativity. I've never really cared for the spiritual afterlife in the past. I didn't deny it but I felt that people who talked about it were "different" and perhaps very woo-woo. But now I preach it. I preach it because it helps me. It is what moves me and allows me to carry on each day. In fact, I started to explore the spiritual afterlife as soon as my wife left. It was almost immediate. It was probably meant to be. Do I believe everything they say? I'm not sure. But I sure do have an open mind. Anything is possible.
  12. Don't know what to say

    I'm not sure how I can even put this in words. Grief is so complex. There are so many different dimensions. They feel different, they have texture. I guess to be general, I can say that different grief waves affects me differently, on the emotional level. Some waves will remind me of all of the things I've lost when my wife passed. It reminds me of all of the history and all of the things we've worked on and built together. Then, another wave of grief will hit me with other things. For example, perhaps it takes me to a different level, where the grief doesn't remind me of what i've lost, but reminds me of what I am not going to have for the rest of my life. That is the loss of a future, the loss of support, then loss of not being able to continue to build my life with my spouse. Each wave of grief can touch on different things that can hurt you. Yours may be different.
  13. Bad day

    Paluka. That's OK. Because you did it. You did go to the gym. It's OK to cry... and it will happen again. If you want to, maybe when you return to the gym with your son, you can have a few words before hand. Tell each other that you are trying to continue your new life. It will be difficult. And if we want to come back out to cry, cut your workout short, that's OK. Remind yourself that the most important part is that you're trying. It's like learning how to ride a bicycle. You will keep falling. But that's OK. As long as you keep trying. That's all that matters. We are not looking for immediate results. We are just looking for effort. Set a date, and go to the gym again.
  14. Bad day

    Work with your heart, and not the brain. The brain will tell you this is a tragedy and it will go in a loop like a computer crash. Use the heart. Feel your pain. Feel your love. Feel what grief is. Use your heart to work towards accepting you for who you are. It's difficult for most of us to see, but if we love ourselves, we can then find a road out from this madness and emerge as a new person with a new life. This new life was not our choice. But it's the only thing we have left, so we have to work with it.
  15. Bad day

    Patti14, having a good nights rest is very important. You may not feel like you need sleep medication, but it could be very useful just to have your doctor prescribe something so that you can have it around. I take Ambien for unrelated insomnia. I haven't lost any sleep over my wife's passing. It's been a surprise. However, if I know that i need a good nights rest, I will take it because I have it available. If you are well rested, it will make it so much more easier for you to deal with the grief. That said, nothing is easy here. Having good rest will just help.
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