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About Azipod

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  1. I agree. We all feel the same. For over a week now, I've been, surprisingly, doing pretty well. I no longer have uncontrollable emotional breakdowns. I no longer feel that life is over. I no longer feel that I am incapable of carrying on without my wife. I am however, terribly sad. I miss her so much, so much that I'm having a stream of tears running down my face as I'm writing this. It's is very lonely.... it's a very empty feeling.
  2. Hi Hisha, I'm sorry to hear that it is still very difficult for you. I started individual psycho-therapy about 1-week into my loss and joined a grief support group shortly afterwards. That, along with everything else, including being on this forum has been very helpful for me. Have you tried this route? It's just a thought and I think its worthwhile for you to consider to see if you can benefit from it.
  3. Well, I may have finally had my 1st visitation dream last night. I'm not sure, but I know it's different, and it brought me a lot of comfort. It's been 7-weeks since my wife has transitioned. I've been a mess emotionally. But I have been very calm in the last few days. Early this morning, I remember waking up and realizing how cold my bed was. That is of course, due to no longer having my wife next to me. Then, I fell asleep. For background, note that I rarely dream. And if I do dream, it's usually about nothing significant. This morning, the dream took place in a hotel room where we had been vacationing (she passed during our vacation). I vividly recall seeing my wife in good spirit, in good health, and moving around in a new body. She was not sick, like how she was during the last days. I remember questioning myself why, despite the medical issues the night before, that the doctors did not set up a follow-up appointment for her. Then, I was reminded that my wife had already passed. The scene quickly jumps to a church. We are not religious so I'm not sure where the church setting comes from. There, again, my wife was completely free. She was well, she was completely mobile, free of any limitations, and she was happy. We were sitting there. We were having a conversation. The context was that she had already passed, but we were still talking with me understanding that she had already transitioned. At some point, I was able to feel her. I can touch her. I can physically hug and kiss her. It was really intense, and this was happening to me as an "active 1st person" in the dream as oppose to a passive experience. We were both very happy. I recall telling her that I had to put her 9 feet under (double depth burial plot). She said, No silly, it's only 6.5 feet. That's what my energy is telling me. I said, Nooo, it's 9-feet, because I'm planning to be at the 6-feet level. Then I had an aching question. I said this has really been bothering me, and I wanted to ask you to see how you would feel. I told her that I felt left behind, and because I'm only 39, I cautiously told her that there may be opportunities where I might run into other people. And asked if that was OK with her? She responded happily and quickly and said, "Of course it was ok, silly. You can't just sit around and do nothing!" The dream suddenly ended. Earlier today, I was still questioning whether this was a visitation dream? Now, a few hours later, I truly believe it was. I did find it very comforting. I do not ever recall ever having a dream where I could feel, sense, and touch someone, let a lone a dream where I had an active 1st person role in it. The dream was very detailed, the images are vivid, and there were no "non sense" things such as a flying rubber ducky in the sky .... everything was real, just like how it could play out in real life. The comfort this dream has given me is hard to describe. It was very real. The purpose was clear, and the details were not drawn out but very succinct. The timing of this dream was great. Over the last 5 days, I've been really calm. Even though I have been sad, I have been able to manage my emotions and have had very little emotional breakdowns. Also, you may recall that I posted a message yesterday (scroll up above), where I accepted that I have been receiving "signs" from my wife -- she had been moving objects around my house. Now that my mind is at ease (I'm sure this is temporary), and I have accepted her signs, perhaps now I reached a point where it was capable for my wife to communicate with me in a dream. It feels great. The dream also had a message -- the message where she clearly showed me that she's fine where she is. The dream also allowed me ask an aching question. In all, it felt great being able to re-live a moment with my wife.... someone who I've missed dearly.
  4. Hi Oldbam, I'll start with a short response but I'm sure others will chime in with more details later on today. I am 7-weeks into the loss of my wife and I'm also in my "30s." So far, the pain was the most difficult for me around the 2nd-month period going forward. We won't get into the pain as I know we all know how it feels. Even though it's early for me, I do want to believe that it will get "better." When I say better, I do not expect myself to be happy an dandy. I mean better in the sense that you would be able to live your everyday life without an emotional barrier. However, I suspect the loss will always be with you and there will be no problem for any of us to shed some tears if we re-lived our moments together that we had with our spouse. In general, I do feel that if we allow ourselves to heal properly, we should be able to get back to "normal." I think we can recover from grief. Whether we can recover back to the "pre-loss" stage is debatable, depending on who you ask. Surprisingly, I've been feeling decent for the past 4-days. At the end of last week, I suddenly felt some relief. Almost felt like 10 lbs was lifted off my shoulders. Nothing in particular happened (my actual weekend is a different story) that I know of that would have triggered this. Overall, I am still sad. However, unlike the prior weeks, I have not experienced a tsunami of tears. That said, I am still very early into my grief and I'm sure I'll circle back to some other stage in the upcoming weeks and months! I'm shooting for a "good recovery" by the 6-month mark. I know my wife wants me to be happy. If the roles were reversed, I know my wife wouldn't be sitting at home crying and missing everything else in her life. I know I sound optimistic in the post --- it's probably likely that you caught me during a good moment.
  5. Sue, this is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me some hope.
  6. Visitation dreams are a common way for the spirit people to communicate with us because that is when our mind is at ease. When we are awake, we are constantly distracted with things that are going on in our life and our thoughts are distracted with sadness, depression, etc. During these "hectic periods," we miss all the signs. In order for us to see the signs, we need to be relaxed. That's why communicating with the spirit people usually starts with some sort of meditation. When we sleep, our souls leave the body. It is in a relaxed state. This makes it easier for the other side to communicate with us. I'm not sure if this was your question, but I hope it helps. I have not yet received a visitation dream. However, my wife has been communicating with me by moving objects around the house. There are two photos of a shed we have in our backyard for gardening tools. In the ROCK1 photo, notice that there is a small rock laying in front of the left door. I now live alone. No one has access to my backyard. I'm not sure where that rock came from. It suddenly appeared about 1.5 weeks ago. The rock is likely 2 lbs. Then, last night (about a week since the rock first appeared), the rock suddenly moved over to the left corner of the shed base (ROCK2 photo). I spent a few hours in the backyard yesterday morning for gardening work. The rock WAS NOT at the corner until I got home from my in-laws after 9pm last night. The "Bottle" pic contains some sort of alcohol. I have an informal memorial on my kitchen table which was setup by my mother in law for my wife. It consists of her portrait, flowers, incense, fruit, and this sealed bottle of alcohol. Initially, the white sticker label containing the Chinese words were on the top 1/3 of the bottle. Around the same time when I noticed the appearance of the first rock, I also noticed that the label "was moved" to the bottom 3rd of the bottle. I checked the label. And although the edges of the sticker adhesive are raised, the center is still stuck on the bottle tight. I'm not sure how the label moved. Again, I live alone, and no one has access to my house. I might be sad, but I am not crazy. That I know for sure.
  7. Bela, this is normal so don't worry. Part of our recovery is trying to find out what our triggers are. You will learn a lot about yourself. I have been back to work for the last 3 weeks. I have been sad so I've been avoiding groups of people at work. I',fine talk in to individuals or a group of 2 but in general I wanted to detach from groups. Last week, I had to attend a meeting with a group of 10 people. Although I was just a listener, I had such a hard time being there. I just didn't want to be in a group of people. I ended up going to my office to let out some tears afterwards. It's OK to feel how you feel. Just pay attention to your triggers and you will do a much better job coping with it the second time around.
  8. It sounds like a visitation dream to me. Noticed how you said it was different from normal. That itself is a sign. Ive have had a few unusual experiences since my wife's transition. I realize that a part of me will tell me that yes, it is unusual and is likely a sign. The other half of me wants answers and an explanation, and tells me that it can't be true because it's unexplainable. I always tell myself that some things you just have to accept and accept that there's no explanation. Just accept it for what you feel it is. if your first thought was that the dream was different and not normal, then accept it as something that was outside of amregular dream. There's no need to seek an explanation just so U can prove that it's true. i would give anything to get my first visitation dream!
  9. Maddie, I am sorry for your loss. Don't worry about any negative things you might hear from others. You expressed your feelings very well in your post and it really does sound like you have something special with your boyfriend. Please try to get the help you think you need. Losing someone special is very traumatizing and at your age, it can be even more difficult for its own reason. Take care of yourself and you can always post here for support.
  10. We've all learned so much about our spouses. I think we all agree that our spouse molded us into who we are today. I've been thinking about why my wife came into my life. There must be a good reason. What was I suppose to learn? What was I suppose to get from her? What was the purpose? I'm still trying to figure out the details. But one thing I know for sure, my wife was a gift to me. She was nothing but good luck and joy to me. Unfortunately, I had to give her back. One day I will find out the meaning for this.
  11. Hi Donna, I will be posting here next Thursday night to share my 1st experience with a Medium. I am sorry to hear that you do not feel you husband around you. I have not had any visitation dreams either -- and I'm a bit surprised. Prior to losing my wife, I have never been spiritual. However, I've been feeling all sorts of interesting vibes and energy around me. It's mostly occurring at home. I've also noticed what Mediums call "signs" around the house. I can never say for sure that the signs are indeed from my wife, but I will never say it's not, because the feeling and the personal experiences are quite surreal. I'm going to see if the Medium is able to validate some of these experiences for me. Sadly, my upcoming appointment is the only thing that I've been excited about. Everything else in my life is dry.
  12. RWT143, thanks for sharing your experience. One thing that I've noticed is that all mediums seem to have very identical views about how things work after ones transition. As for the individual who sought readings, their experiences and feedback seem to be very identical as well. It's all very consistent.
  13. I've experienced detachment for the first time today. I've been back at work for 3-weeks now. In the past weeks, I've been completely avoiding social events at work (retirements, birthday parties, get togethers, etc.) Today, there was a meeting that I had to go to. And I attended without any problems. However, afterwards I went back into my office, closed the door, and cried. This just made me realized I have a new problem. With practice, I'm sure I'll be fine... but its another thing for me to work on.
  14. I recently decided to go this route. I've never been spiritual in the past but am now after I lost my wife. I've been reading about half a dozen of books written by various Mediums and I've opened up my mind to believing. The problem with me is that their views about death (they call it a transition), is the only thing that gives me some hope. The hope is that my wife truly isn't gone and that she is still with me. It's the one thread that I'm holding onto. Check with me towards the end of next week and I can tell you how it went.
  15. I can picture this and it totally makes sense. I just wished my life would grow bigger with my wife and not alone.