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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Fran

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  1. Thank you reader and sadandlost, it really helps to know that others have experienced something similar. Me too! I never thought she'd die, not anytime soon. I hate that I didn't see this in time. Part of it was the doctors-they did not give any indication that the end was imminent. She had a blood disease, sort of a chronic leukemia, and had been getting blood clots in her chest that weren't responding to blood thinners, they kept trying different meds, so that's the situation we were in, trying to keep her stable, get her over this setback and back to her regular self. I think I had a premonition, looking through my texts, in early June speaking to my aunt, telling her, you know, I think I'll move mom in sooner rather than later, I'll start making arrangements. Telling my husband, I have a bad feeling, I shouldn't have left the States. I just wish I had spent time with her and I'm sorry she suffered towards the end (clots were very painful, she was on O2 round the clock). My mom also suffered from mental illness, bipolar disorder, and was so unhappy much of her life, really since childhood and it just breaks my heart. It's unfair she had to deal with both, she was such a good person, so full of empathy for everyone, especially the marginalized.
  2. My mother passed away recently, she was in her mid 60's. She had a chronic, progressive illness for 20 years, has been asymptomatic for most of that time but in the last few years had started to decline, have symptoms, hospitalizations and so on and since March has been pretty ill. The writing was on the wall, I should have realized. However, her doctors (she had 4 or 5, all specialists in specific fields) who assured me that this was a "hump", they would "get her over it" and she'd go back to "her normal." I felt reassured. This was in May before I left the country for 2 months. Obviously, this didn't happen. She died alone, in her apartment, in the middle of the night and we don't even know exactly what happened and will never because the ME said no reason for autopsy and my siblings didn't want one and I didn't want to traumatize them more. I am heartbroken. I keep replaying what could have happened that night and I am terrified she was panicked, in pain, scared, lonely. Her docs said would have been very sudden and very fast, I want to believe that but I feel anger towards her doctors. I feel they weren't forthright with me. I would have dropped everything and gone to her. The guilt I have has to do with my mom's living situation. I had decided to move her in with me next summer, then in June thought to myself, hmmm, I need to move her in sooner (after a procedure that left her feeling scared and fragile). I needed some months to arrange it all, find doctors, etc (I live in another state). I am so angry with myself I didn't start the process sooner, like last year. She was lonely. My siblings and I are obviously all grown, with busy lives and even if she had lived with my siblings that live in the same state, she would have been alone much of the time. My schedule is more flexible, I work close to home, I have kids, there would have been more activity around her. Her living situation wasn't bad at all, though, she had a very nice apartment in a community of older, retired people with game nights and so on, actually more social interaction there than she would have had with us and with her peers. But of course she wanted to be with loved ones. I am struggling with this, I feel like everyone let her down, my poor mom. We all thought there was more time. I am so sad I wasn't there every day, sitting by her, keeping her company. I am angry with myself that I didn't prioritize her, that I let myself get caught up in my life. In retrospect, I see that she was obviously very ill, there were signs and the doctors were trying to manage the illness and keep her going but it wasn't happening.
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