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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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Everything posted by Djh0901kc

  1. Don't know what to say

    My wife and best friend passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago. It was the day before her 35th birthday. This September we would have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I've been reading everything about grief that I can find and was hoping that posting may help me in some way. I can't stop thinking that maybe something will happen and she will come back to me. I know how stupid that is but I just can't accept that she's gone. We were everything to each other. We chose not to have children because we wanted to always be able to put one another first and enjoy our life together. Now that life is gone. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to think about something every second of every day but I think about her every second I'm awake and dream about her in sleep. Then when I wake up it's a cruel joke that she's not here. I can't be around any family or friends. It makes me even more miserable. I feel like half a person just waiting to die. I had to shut off my phone and Facebook because I couldn't stand one more message that it's going to take time. Nothing is ever going to make this better. One day she was here and we were together and the next she was gone. I know soul mates is considered a cheesy term but it's what we were. Not a perfect marriage or anything but two people who truly loved each other and were best friends spending our lives together. Everything I did I did for her and now that she's gone everything seems so meaningless. Other people have things to live for. My reason for living is gone. It's like she and I spoke our own language and now that she's gone I'm the only person in the world who speaks it. I feel like I just can't do this without my baby
  2. Don't know what to say

    It definitely already feels hard to remember how it was before. I watch videos of Kayla over and over and it feels impossible this was real just a few months ago. I don’t know how to bear it. I feel like I can’t.
  3. I Just Can't Do This Without Him

    I just found this a minute ago. It’s as true as anything
  4. I Just Can't Do This Without Him

    It’s not melodramatic at all. My beautiful wife died five months ago and I still think I can’t do this on a daily basis. I cry every day. I text her all day to tell her I can’t do this without her. What you’re feeling is normal. We’re trapped her just like you said. There’s no escape
  5. Don't know what to say

    I’m so bored all the time now. I know that sounds trivial but I try to find things to do and nothing seems to take up enough of the day. Half days at work used to be these awesome things that meant we could be together sooner. Now they’re a nightmare that means Ill be stuck with nothing to do for even longer. I wish so much that we had had a baby all those times we talked about it and decided not to. At least I would have a part of her still to take care of.
  6. Want to share my experience.

    That was quite beautiful. Reading it actually moved me to tears. Not a rare occurrence these days I’ll admit, but it was beautiful just the same. So strange to think that so many of us will be experiencing our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without our loved ones. What a terrible thing to share. And I will confess that I AM afraid. Afraid BECAUSE this a journey without an end. I’m afraid I can’t do this. Not alone. Not without her. Not year after year. It’s been five months and I already feel I’ve gone as far as I can. I wish I shared the optimism you seem to have. I’ve always known that life didn’t care but my way of dealing with that knowledge was my wife. The one person that made living in an uncaring world worth it. Without her, I have no guiding star. Nothing to keep me moving forward and in the right direction. We didn’t have children or grandchildren. No family really to speak of. I constantly ask myself, “What’s the point?” I wish she could tell me what I should do. I’m just so lost without her.
  7. Want to share my experience.

    After 5 months I still do this. I text my wife all day. And ask the same questions. And while this forum is nice of course, it doesn’t lessen the hurt at all. Just wanted to say thank you for posting something in which I can see something of myself.
  8. Lost and Alone

    Who is Andy?
  9. Don't know what to say

    It’s been 5 months and I am still waiting. Waiting for her to come back? Waiting for something to make sense? I don’t know. All I know is that I feel it constantly. I know I still cry every day. I still text Kayla all day every day. I talk to her all the time. I pray every night to ask God to take care of her if he exists. Every day is nothing more than one more day off the calendar. The thought of Christmas without her is more than I can bare.
  10. Don't know what to say

    I’m so lonely without her.
  11. Don't know what to say

    I keep feeling like I’m waiting for something. I don’t know what it is but it’s constant.
  12. Don't know what to say

    I miss my Yogi so much. No one wants to hear that anymore but it’s as true now as it was the day after she died. I need her
  13. Don't know what to say

    I literally stopped in my tracks. It was nice to imagine her with me again in some way
  14. Don't know what to say

    I was just heading into Five Guys to grab some lunch. Right as I was walking in Poprocks and Coke by Green Day started playing. It was our very first “our song.” It’s a popular song but it’s almost 20 years old at this point. Certainly not something you would generally hear on the radio these days. We loved Five Guys and it really made me feel like Kayla was letting me know she was watching. Just thought I would share a nice moment
  15. Don't know what to say

    I know everyone is having a hard time. I’m getting better at hiding my sadness from people but I feel like inside I may actually be MORE depressed. I love seeing her so much. But like I said, it’s so hard to accept that she’s gone when I see her in the videos. Thanks for caring KMB. I hope you’re doing as well as possible.
  16. Don't know what to say

    Is it healthy to watch videos of my wife? On one hand seeing her and hearing her voice gives me an insane amount of joy. On the other hand, it also makes it harder for me to accept that the person I’m watching in the video is gone. I’m having a rough time today.
  17. Don't know what to say

    My grandma is 95. She and my grandpa basically raised me because my dad died a few months before I was born and my mom worked full time. My grandpa was my best friend and now my grandma means more to me than anything left in the world. Kayla loved her so much. They would cook and sew together. Kayla dying was very hard on my grandma. At the funeral she told Kayla it should have been her that died. It wasn’t right that the 34 year old died and not the 95 year old. I wish it had been me and not either of them. The world would be a better place with me gone and both of them still in it.
  18. Don't know what to say

    Jesus she’s been gone 20 weeks today. How can that even be possible
  19. Don't know what to say

    I just don’t think anyone can help me. Over the past 20 weeks I have talked to all kinds of people. No one has offered me anything other than it will take time or all the same old cliches. The only person who I even think understands is my Grandma. She and my Grandpa were together for 60 years from the time she was 17. She gets it. She knows there’s nothing she can say that will make anything better. And that’s why she’s the only person I can be around for any length of time.
  20. Don't know what to say

    I go to the movies by myself every week or so. Other than that I just go to work or play video games and watch tv at home. I don’t think I could be around people long enough to do much else.
  21. This hurts so much - New Issue

    I’m glad the doctor helped you feel a bit better. Unfortunately, no matter how good the doctor is, no one is going to be able to tell you what happened until the coroner releases their findings. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer. For myself, it didn’t matter all that much. All that mattered was that my wife was gone. There was nothing they could tell me that would bring her back. But I know it matters to you so I’ll say again I hope it’s faster than it was for me.
  22. Don't know what to say

    I’m ready to give up. I can’t stop thinking about her. I just want to be with her
  23. Jedi Mind Trick

    Yes yes yes. The only difference for me is that I started dating my wife when I was 17 so my life didn’t really have much purpose. It was the same dumb teenage life most people have. Go to school, sports, weekends, etc. Then I met this incredible girl who needed me. Taking care of her was suddenly the thing I was best at in the entire world. Just a few months later, my grandpa/father died and all of a sudden SHE was taking care of me and I knew that nothing else in the world mattered as long as we had each other. I was on the moon for 15 years, as you say. Making our own language. Making our own culture. Now she’s gone and I have to go back to Earth as an alien. I’m not the same creature I was before her. It’s not possible to go back.
  24. Don't know what to say

    I just want it to be true so badly.
  25. Helpless

    I will say that not going to the memorial doesn’t mean she didn’t care. Some people simply cannot do funerals. My wife was that way. She didn’t go her grandmother or uncle’s funerals and she loved them both dearly. It’s just too much for some people to handle. I hope it works out that she gets in contact eventually.