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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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Everything posted by Djh0901kc

  1. Don't know what to say

    I said so many of these same exact things. I still wonder what the point of going on is if we know that’s it’s never going to get any better. You can message me if you ever need to talk.
  2. Don't know what to say

    My wife and best friend passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago. It was the day before her 35th birthday. This September we would have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I've been reading everything about grief that I can find and was hoping that posting may help me in some way. I can't stop thinking that maybe something will happen and she will come back to me. I know how stupid that is but I just can't accept that she's gone. We were everything to each other. We chose not to have children because we wanted to always be able to put one another first and enjoy our life together. Now that life is gone. I wouldn't have thought it was possible to think about something every second of every day but I think about her every second I'm awake and dream about her in sleep. Then when I wake up it's a cruel joke that she's not here. I can't be around any family or friends. It makes me even more miserable. I feel like half a person just waiting to die. I had to shut off my phone and Facebook because I couldn't stand one more message that it's going to take time. Nothing is ever going to make this better. One day she was here and we were together and the next she was gone. I know soul mates is considered a cheesy term but it's what we were. Not a perfect marriage or anything but two people who truly loved each other and were best friends spending our lives together. Everything I did I did for her and now that she's gone everything seems so meaningless. Other people have things to live for. My reason for living is gone. It's like she and I spoke our own language and now that she's gone I'm the only person in the world who speaks it. I feel like I just can't do this without my baby
  3. Don't know what to say

    Unfortunately, you’ll find that if you feel this way it’s best to just keep it to yourself. People want to believe and they don’t want to hear anything to the contrary. Most people don’t even want to consider the possibility that there’s nothing else. And you can’t make yourself believe if you don’t no matter how badly you want it. It sucks plain and simple
  4. Don't know what to say

    I have been thinking about starting to take antidepressants. I know a lot of people say not to while grieving so I was just curious if anyone had any opinions.
  5. Grieving my future

    That would be my advice. Also, try to make sure and save that vmail somewhere besides your phone. Get it onto a flash drive or your cpu or something.
  6. Grieving my future

    Like seemingly many here, my in laws are pretty dysfunctional people. Since my wife died they have said many hurtful things including that my wife wanted to leave me and that she didn’t love me. This used to get me pretty upset. But eventually, I cut them out of my life and realized that I was the one with Kayla every day. I was the one who heard her say I love you. I was the one she held until I fell asleep every night. I read through texts and Facebook messages and time after time I was reminded how much she loved me and always make sure I knew it. It hurts to not have her here anymore to say it out loud but I know it was real. I’m lucky enough to have a video on my phone of her saying I love you. I play it constantly. Just remember how much you loved each other and don’t let it go. It was real for you too.
  7. Don't know what to say

    How do you go on, knowing that?
  8. Don't know what to say

    I thought if I got through the holidays somehow life would magically get easier. Now they’re gone but nothing is better at all. I wish I could be like some of you that seem so positive and can find happiness in small things. I feel like I’m falling deeper into this hole. More tired. More sad. More lonely.
  9. This hurts so much - my ex in-laws

    It sounds so much like my wife’s family. Unfortunately with them it’s pretty much everyone and not just her parents. I just cut off contact with them. No point. Hang in there
  10. Christmas is coming.......

    I still have Kayla’s ashes in the box. I keep them in the backseat of my car next to her purse. Sometimes when I get an oil change or something I feel like a psycho but I just want her to be with me wherever I go
  11. Don't know what to say

    I don’t want to let any part of her go. If there’s something only she and I knew and I forget it then it’s gone forever and so is another part of her. I think I might be losing my mind but I’m so afraid to forget anything.
  12. Don't know what to say

    We liked the hustle and bustle. I miss her so much. Lately I’ve been consumed with the fear that I’ll start forgetting things. Our little inside jokes or songs or just anything. I’ve been keeping a file open on my phone and writing down everything that comes into my mind. As someone who has been doing this for so long does that happen? Do you forget things?
  13. Don't know what to say

    I can’t believe it’s Christmas. The 17th was six months since Kayla died and it still doesn’t feel quite real. Despite my utter terror of what it would do to me, I’ve gone to shopping malls a couple times in the last week. I thought if I could throw myself into the deep end as it were maybe it would help. All the people, the music, the Christmas energy. I’ve never felt so much like an alien. All these people going about their lives and looking forward to something I’ll never enjoy again. I hope everyone has the best holiday possible.
  14. Don't know what to say

    I know exactly what you mean. I’ve done the same thing as far as research. There’s even a site that gives a pain score for each method and describes what will actually happen. I cannot see another way. I can get through a day, barely. But years? I can’t see it
  15. One Year Later - I'm still here

    I, like you, am so scared of the things I will forget in time. The little things that made up life together. Silly little songs she would sing. Im trying to write things down as much as I can but it’s terrifying. I don’t to forget anything! I wish our whole life had been recorded so I could watch it over and over! Thank you for helping me to feel not quite so crazy. Thinking of you today.
  16. Don't know what to say

    I can’t stop thinking about Sally and how jealous I am of her that she’s free
  17. Don't know what to say

    I don’t know what to do with myself. That’s for sure. There used to never be enough time in the day to do all the things we wanted and needed to do. Now I can’t fill the days. I try to go to bed as early as possible so I can lose myself to blessed sleep.
  18. Don't know what to say

    Today is 25 weeks. Almost 6 months. Those of you who have been doing this for years have my utmost admiration.
  19. Don't know what to say

    Christmas coming is terrifying. I’ve been avoiding stores that decorate which is hard to do. Christmas music is like nails on a chalkboard. I’m a full blown grinch it seems
  20. My sister, TooDevastated

    I know it’s incredibly selfish but the thought of passing the grief baton or whatever never occurs to me. I’ll be dead. Either there’s no afterlife and I won’t care what is left behind or there is an afterlife and I’ll be with Kayla which outweighs everything else. You’re all better humans than me
  21. I understand that. We have thousands of dollars of decorations in color coded, meticulously labeled tubs in the garage and still all I could manage was to buy a couple pumpkins for the front porch. My wife even made wreaths for each holiday and I haven’t been able to change that since she died either. My center is gone as well
  22. Don't know what to say

    Sitting at my mom and grandmas house. There’s the blanket Kayla made for my grandma. There’s the throw pillow she had made for them for Christmas with family photos printed onto it. Pictures of us everywhere. Her purse sitting next to the couch where she always used to put it. Pies bought from bakers square because she was the one that always made them from scratch. I hate this. I hate this day. I hate that she isn’t here where she should be.
  23. Thank you. Just struggling with the holiday and everything.
  24. It really is an excellent article.
  25. My sister, TooDevastated

    God I was so afraid this might have happened. I even messaged a few other people here to see if they had heard from her. I’m so sorry she’s gone. Your sister was one of the few people I felt truly understood how I was feeling and she really helped me. I’m so sorry