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SweetBear

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About SweetBear

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    La Mesa
  • Loss Type
    Partner
  • Angel Date
    July 1 2017
  1. nine days...do people forget me?

    Having just gotten through Bev's memorial last Sunday, I just kept telling myself I was doing it for her and nobody else. And getting there, seeing it was something she'd have been horrified to see didn't help matters any. Plenty was said that I just sat shaking my head. They didn't know her. But I made it through, granted it was even worse than I expected, but I think you'll manage to do it too. Stay strong for the love you shared.
  2. nine days...do people forget me?

    You're very lucky to have immediate family to check on you. As for friends it's been my experience they drop like flies. I have no family so I was truly counting on friends. The first day or two people responded on Facebook. A few sent private messages saying they were there if I needed to talk, but I found the catch to that was they wouldn't be checking to see how I was doing, it was up to me to contact them. One friend promised to check on me daily. That lasted maybe two weeks? So imo in the moment they give you their condolences but then their lives go on and idk, maybe they assume others are reaching out to you. I actually went through this same thing in 2011 when my mom passed and was shocked that the people who had promised to be here for me, never so much as called a single time. So cherish that you do have family. They care and love you. And very sorry for your lost.
  3. Back to being alone...

    Ty, it reminded me of why I never wanted to get close to someone again. And why I'm not god at funerals. I was literally shocked to see all those names on there. She was actually embarrassed by the fact she had managed to pick 3 losers to marry. And yes the ex husband parading in with his wife was as tacky as it gets. Bev DESPISED that woman. In fact her life completely changed because of events that took place in her trying to move someplace and get her head together. Also the new wife is kind of a well known face in this town so as she was standing out in the entry way the few people from this area were almost "star struck" to go chat with her. The ex husband made eye contact with me once and apparently the daggers from my eyes were obvious because he quickly looked away. The cousin did tell me he has the ashes I requested so I'll be doing my own type memorial possible with other people or just alone. And I will play what songs I remember seeing on the list. Get the name change because as we all know, you never know....
  4. Back to being alone...

    Ty, it's very sad that her faith in her cousin to do things like she wished were not honored. I remember a very pointed conversation her and I had one day on whether he would actually ignore the will and give her son something. She was adamant that he would honor her wishes to a T, that's why she had picked him. Had the son not showed his backside he actually would have gotten things and a small amount of money. Bev was the kind of person who would NEVER just buy a box of generic Christmas cards to send out. If she met people to have lunch she would pick up the entire tab. She would walk in the grocery store and just grab things without even looking at the price because THAT'S what she liked. I'm totally generic brands, coupons, and expiring meat and breads but eventually I got use to just going in and getting her groceries without cringing. I know the saying a person would be rolling over in their grave. Not sure what people do that are cremated but she definitely would have been doing it. Btw the way this was the sunset that evening from my front patio. Just as beautiful as her.
  5. Back to being alone...

    Just needing to share some things and people in my life are tired of hearing "it's not suppose to be like this" whining. Or maybe it's more of a rant... It's coming up on two months Sept 1st. Can't believe Bev and I looked so forward to summer and now she's gone and summer is almost gone as well. After losing my mom holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas had been nothing but painful lonely reminders that I'm truly alone. But then two years ago Bev had invited me for Christmas and that was the new start for a mini family and holidays. Last year we had a great Thanksgiving and then Christmas. I also loathe the colder shorter days. Which most people say is stupid because I live in San Diego. But regardless.... When Bev passed away and the cousin said the memorial wouldn't be until the 20th of August I almost had a sense of relief because the meorial put the definite end of things. So I've spent this time, alone. I chat online with a few people but mostly I'm just here surfing the net and trying to keep my mind busy. Trying to escape this empty lost feeling. And trying to stop thinking about August 20th closing in. And next thing I knew here it was. I've not been able to go to her house since July 2 or 3. And then I found myself not even able to contact her roommate who is also suffering her loss. I found out last week that her long time friend who was a part of our mini family wasn't going to attend the service so that left me even more apprehensive. It took every ounce of me to get up, get dressed and head to the funeral home. When I walked in I saw her roommate and immediately made a beeline toward him. He reached out to hug me and I realized my entire body was trembling. I broke down in his arms. I apologized for not being in touch and he said not to worry he understood. The entire service was something Bev would have been appalled by. And embarrassed. She was ALL about doing things up big and fancy. The pamphlet for the memorial was crappy B&W with her pic on the front and back. A 10 year old could have been more creative. Then under her pic on the front it had ALL of her ex husbands names included in her name. After her last divorce she had legally changed her name and resented things that came in the mail that still had her with the husbands last name. She wouldn't even open it. She'd just tell me--trash. And here was his friggen last name on her memorial thing. But then it got even better. THAT EX husband and his wife walked in the door. The WOMAN he had cheated on Bev with!!! I thought omg who does that? I mean if he needed to come then whatever but leave the wife at home!! Bev was still connected to so many people from growing up, our high school days, her teaching days and I actually expected 50 or more to show up. Maybe even 100. There were maybe 25 people and most of those were the cousins family. The cousin led the service. Mostly talked about her visit with them two years ago. But then he started talking about her. And had I just walked in not knowing who the service was for? I NEVER would have guessed he was talking about her. Favorite color red and her closet was FULL of red clothes. Um no, her closet was full of BLACK clothes all the way down to her socks. She had music CD's all over the house. No, she had a CD folder in the car. She didn't even play music the entire two years I was there, except in the car. Her favorite drink of choice was Jack Daniels. That would be another NO. The only alcohol she ever drank was Capt Morgans. One thing Bev absolutely hated was food platters (and buffets lol). She would spend hours in the kitchen catering parties when she was still married. Anything in the store bought food platter was a HUGE NO NO. After the service they had----a meat and cheese platter and a veggie platter. Her house is less than 2 minutes from the funeral place. She would have expected a first class catered meal and the guests invited to the house she LOVED. I also found out that the private service I had been told I'd be a part of at her parents grave site had already gone on. She had an entire list of songs she wanted played at her service. Not a single song was played. About the only thing that made me smile was finding out form her roommate was, her son had gone back to her house before he left back in July and told her cousin he was going to contest the will. I guess he was told get off the property and don't come back. That sealed it in my mind that that was the ONLY reason he had come to the hospital before she passed. He was thinking he was about to hit it rich. I guess the cousin had promised him some things and at that point he said nope, get lost. He was a no show yesterday. The whole thing yesterday was just so under her standards and it's sad because I know for a fact the money was there to do things up grand and how she would have liked it. But then, I came home. It was like the entire grieving process was back at square one. I hoped to wake up today and just be back to the "ok I'm awake so what?" mood, but this stupid eclipse thing was going on and all I kept thinking about is Bev and I would have been watching it together. A huge moment for the country and here I was doing it alone. Every person there yesterday has family. Spouses, kids, brothers, sisters. Somebody they can share their grief with. I only have the roommate (who is moving away on the 30th) and her long time friend. Oh, and all the mutual friends of her and I from growing up? The ones who were so adamant about knowing the date of the memorial because she was such a special friend? Not a single one showed up. I posted the stupid pamphlet thing on my fb. Only people that commented never even knew her. With that said, I hope everyone is doing the best they can and can find support from friends or family.
  6. Injured and lonely

    I understand completely. After my mom passed there was absolutely no one who would have known if I was dead or alive. If my car were to break down, no one to call. If I got sick I only had me to still run daily life. I had no safety net. Then Bev came along. Even before we became a "we" I knew if I needed anything she would be here for me. If I was sick she would help. I felt a peace having that safety net back. And now it's gone again. I even mentioned it to one friend and she assured me that she would check on me daily. That lasted all of 2 weeks. So yeah, we may be surrounded by millions, but we're still alone.
  7. Lost my soulmate

    Lulu I'm kind of in and out of here because I honestly don't know where my head is, but just wanted to give you a shout out because if not for your story with Lily I probably wouldn't even be here. So thanks, and just know someone knows the feeling of not having a say in a relationship you shared with the person you love. I 100% feel the love the two of you shared.
  8. Judgment on length of relationship

    It was your love and your relationship with him. There is not another person on this earth that can ever know what the two of you had. Don't let them take from what you both had. Ever. I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with the naysayers. How many romantic and loving stories start at---love at first sight? Some of them end up 80 years...and some don't. But you had one, you still do. Cherish it.
  9. I think she's here...

    On a less positive note I'm a member of a group called Nextdoor and it consists of neighborhoods around you. There was an as for some free faux rock siding that I really wanted. It had just been listed and I was ready to go get it if it was close. I wasn't familiar with the address. Map popped up and it was exactly one street over from Bev's house, so yeah, not happening.
  10. I think she's here...

    Well, between the sunflowers and the various dove showings, I'm like 80% yes and 20% IDK. My birthday was a week ago today and the dove I'd seen outside my bedroom window was still there constantly but she seemed to be flying here and there. Then my cat Eli took a sudden interest in that window. So I started looking more and realized she was building a nest. It's on the security light fixture (I took the bulbs out two years ago because skunks kept setting it off and lighting up my bedroom) that is about 8 feet from the bed. Bev was NOT able to tape two sticks together without getting stuck to them. After I realized there was an attempt at a nest I went back to check it out. 90% of the stuff was on the ground. I got a good laugh, but I picked up all the fallen stuff and threw it back over in my garden area where she had been gathering things. I even felt so bad I hung an empty moss planter hoping she would take the safe route and move things over there. Nope. So this morning when I woke up my Eli (cat) was in the window watching intensely. She obviously knows he's there. Maybe that's a safety factor? Idk. Now (being an animal lover) my fear is that joke of a nest she built will hold eggs AND children?? But on top of anything I do feel like she is here.
  11. Lost my soulmate

    I find myself almost finding some smidgen of relief from the emptiness and then the whole nightmare floods back in. Bev on the bed but not responding, putting her on the floor to start CPR. The 911 operator counting the chest compression's. The whole paramedic scene, them taking her out of the house with all the stuff attached and keeping her alive. The SICU room. But then I go to the same place as you. I was there those last three days when nobody else was (except when the cousin could finally manage to get here). I called, I came to see her and to talk to her and hold her hand. And I was there holding her hand when she left this world. While I never expected it to end this soon, I told her many times I'd be there until the end. I don't even dream in black and white, so no chance turning all this real life experience into B&W.
  12. Lost without him

    I don't think you're going crazy, you're just trying to find a new (unwanted) normal. I haven't had anyone around on a constant but I feel like I keep trying to outrun the hurt and pain. Like if I go from one place to another that emptiness/hurt will stay in the other area and I'll have some relief. Yet there it is in the next room or situation. I kind of wish I had someone here like you had, but then I don't. Matthew is likely watching over you and maybe you just need this alone time to try and "connect" to him and that will help you day to day to see where the next part of life is?
  13. Back to being alone...

    Ty you for the birthday wishes. It certainly wasn't a happy one but at the same time it started in an odd way. Bev and her dad had a thing between them with sunflowers. After she told me I use to buy her sunflowers once in awhile as well as regular flowers, but sunflowers kind of became a thing for me to remind me of her where ever I was. So a friend I spent some time with after Bev passed away had messaged yesterday and said she was coming by to drop something off. I was not in the mood to pretend happy or for that matter even get up and dressed so I ignored the message. 15 minutes later doorbell rang, then again. After about 10 minutes I crawled out if bed and first thing I saw was the dove sitting on the tree stump. I paused for a second, and wished like crazy it really is Bev trying to comfort me. I told her ty for being close on my birthday but I'd give anything to have her here taking me out again like two years ago. I walked out to the living room and looked on the front porch and next to a gift bag was a sunflower!! I immediately broke down crying and just saying over and over I can't believe she brought sunflowers up here!!! It felt like a bad reminder I'm alone again on my birthday!!! But after 5 minutes or so I stopped and thought was Bev reaching out to me through this person (we both knew her but Bev hadn't seen her since back in Jr high). So I felt a calm come over me in hoping it was her. But then instantly I thought--no I likely mentioned the sunflowers the day we talked so it was just a nice gesture to remind me of special things with Bev. I messaged her and asked her if I had shared the sunflower story. About 10 minutes later she wrote back and said---no, never heard the story, I just love them and thought you could use some sunshine. So even though it wasn't a happy day, it felt a little less painful Bev was trying to show me she's here in the only way she can be.
  14. Back to being alone...

    So before Bev passed I've been in this state of mourning for my parents, mostly my mom. And when Bev died it triggered something inside of me that the things I've been holding on to or not changing (in this house) no longer mean what they did. So this week I started making changes in a few areas. It kept my mind busy but as the sun went down (I'm huge on sunsets) I'd go out front and there was that one lone dove either on the streetlight wire or even sometimes on the roof directly behind me. I'm pretty much convinced it's her being here with me, so I talk to her a lot. Cry a lot. And last night I kept asking her to send me a song. I guess I should throw in here I use to HATE country music but due to my ex gf always sharing practically every song under the sun, when we were on the outs I forced myself to start listening to CW to avoid the hurt of hearing songs her and I had shared. Next thing I knew, I knew the lyrics, the songs, it wasn't a proud moment on my part. lol OK so jump forward, Bev despised CW. We were from the same era. Probably my favorite band is Chicago, and that is the first concert she ever saw. So my trying to share CW songs with her was a definite miss. So tonight I was outside talking to her. She was over on the wire, and all of a sudden this song came on the stereo. Apparently it's been out for months and I've never once heard it, or if I did I didn't pay attention. But it is so her way of thinking. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwP9ud8B_MQ I'm thinking about all of you. I appreciate you're listening and responses. Tomorrow is my bday and really not sure how I'm going to deal with it.
  15. Back to being alone...

    When Bev use to tell me about how her ex husband treated her (the trophy wife) I use to get so angry and then I'd tell her---his loss my gain. He'd throw all these parties expecting her to play hostess while he got drunk with his friends and she catered to them. Then about 6 months ago her spousal support check didn't come, so she messaged him and got nothing. The next day she left voicemail and he called back saying he had sent it, but he cancelled that check and he'd drop it off at the house later in the afternoon. So you can bet I was the one that opened the front door and had daggers in my eyes, but I shook his hand, thanked him for the check and closed the door. Male or female I was actually shocked she ever found this guy appealing. It was so important for me to show her a happy life that we shared. Not a life where she had to "perform" in front people. That's why we built such a life at the house when she wasn't able to go out. I think I've said in the past her bedroom was like the living room. Backdoor never locked, come in give the dogs attention, grab a soda or water from the fridge and head into her room. A Seinfeld life I guess. And right now? I'm not even sure I can do the service. It's going to be people who only knew who she "was". The funeral home is like 5 minutes from her house. Across the street from where I always went to get her smokes and on the other corner grab us Mexican take out. The service isn't until August 20th so I have plenty of time to decide.
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