SweetBear

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About SweetBear

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    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    La Mesa
  • Loss Type
    Partner
  • Angel Date
    July 1 2017
  1. I find myself almost finding some smidgen of relief from the emptiness and then the whole nightmare floods back in. Bev on the bed but not responding, putting her on the floor to start CPR. The 911 operator counting the chest compression's. The whole paramedic scene, them taking her out of the house with all the stuff attached and keeping her alive. The SICU room. But then I go to the same place as you. I was there those last three days when nobody else was (except when the cousin could finally manage to get here). I called, I came to see her and to talk to her and hold her hand. And I was there holding her hand when she left this world. While I never expected it to end this soon, I told her many times I'd be there until the end. I don't even dream in black and white, so no chance turning all this real life experience into B&W.
  2. I don't think you're going crazy, you're just trying to find a new (unwanted) normal. I haven't had anyone around on a constant but I feel like I keep trying to outrun the hurt and pain. Like if I go from one place to another that emptiness/hurt will stay in the other area and I'll have some relief. Yet there it is in the next room or situation. I kind of wish I had someone here like you had, but then I don't. Matthew is likely watching over you and maybe you just need this alone time to try and "connect" to him and that will help you day to day to see where the next part of life is?
  3. Ty you for the birthday wishes. It certainly wasn't a happy one but at the same time it started in an odd way. Bev and her dad had a thing between them with sunflowers. After she told me I use to buy her sunflowers once in awhile as well as regular flowers, but sunflowers kind of became a thing for me to remind me of her where ever I was. So a friend I spent some time with after Bev passed away had messaged yesterday and said she was coming by to drop something off. I was not in the mood to pretend happy or for that matter even get up and dressed so I ignored the message. 15 minutes later doorbell rang, then again. After about 10 minutes I crawled out if bed and first thing I saw was the dove sitting on the tree stump. I paused for a second, and wished like crazy it really is Bev trying to comfort me. I told her ty for being close on my birthday but I'd give anything to have her here taking me out again like two years ago. I walked out to the living room and looked on the front porch and next to a gift bag was a sunflower!! I immediately broke down crying and just saying over and over I can't believe she brought sunflowers up here!!! It felt like a bad reminder I'm alone again on my birthday!!! But after 5 minutes or so I stopped and thought was Bev reaching out to me through this person (we both knew her but Bev hadn't seen her since back in Jr high). So I felt a calm come over me in hoping it was her. But then instantly I thought--no I likely mentioned the sunflowers the day we talked so it was just a nice gesture to remind me of special things with Bev. I messaged her and asked her if I had shared the sunflower story. About 10 minutes later she wrote back and said---no, never heard the story, I just love them and thought you could use some sunshine. So even though it wasn't a happy day, it felt a little less painful Bev was trying to show me she's here in the only way she can be.
  4. So before Bev passed I've been in this state of mourning for my parents, mostly my mom. And when Bev died it triggered something inside of me that the things I've been holding on to or not changing (in this house) no longer mean what they did. So this week I started making changes in a few areas. It kept my mind busy but as the sun went down (I'm huge on sunsets) I'd go out front and there was that one lone dove either on the streetlight wire or even sometimes on the roof directly behind me. I'm pretty much convinced it's her being here with me, so I talk to her a lot. Cry a lot. And last night I kept asking her to send me a song. I guess I should throw in here I use to HATE country music but due to my ex gf always sharing practically every song under the sun, when we were on the outs I forced myself to start listening to CW to avoid the hurt of hearing songs her and I had shared. Next thing I knew, I knew the lyrics, the songs, it wasn't a proud moment on my part. lol OK so jump forward, Bev despised CW. We were from the same era. Probably my favorite band is Chicago, and that is the first concert she ever saw. So my trying to share CW songs with her was a definite miss. So tonight I was outside talking to her. She was over on the wire, and all of a sudden this song came on the stereo. Apparently it's been out for months and I've never once heard it, or if I did I didn't pay attention. But it is so her way of thinking. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwP9ud8B_MQ I'm thinking about all of you. I appreciate you're listening and responses. Tomorrow is my bday and really not sure how I'm going to deal with it.
  5. When Bev use to tell me about how her ex husband treated her (the trophy wife) I use to get so angry and then I'd tell her---his loss my gain. He'd throw all these parties expecting her to play hostess while he got drunk with his friends and she catered to them. Then about 6 months ago her spousal support check didn't come, so she messaged him and got nothing. The next day she left voicemail and he called back saying he had sent it, but he cancelled that check and he'd drop it off at the house later in the afternoon. So you can bet I was the one that opened the front door and had daggers in my eyes, but I shook his hand, thanked him for the check and closed the door. Male or female I was actually shocked she ever found this guy appealing. It was so important for me to show her a happy life that we shared. Not a life where she had to "perform" in front people. That's why we built such a life at the house when she wasn't able to go out. I think I've said in the past her bedroom was like the living room. Backdoor never locked, come in give the dogs attention, grab a soda or water from the fridge and head into her room. A Seinfeld life I guess. And right now? I'm not even sure I can do the service. It's going to be people who only knew who she "was". The funeral home is like 5 minutes from her house. Across the street from where I always went to get her smokes and on the other corner grab us Mexican take out. The service isn't until August 20th so I have plenty of time to decide.
  6. My mom's been gone 5 years and her and my dad share a headstone. When she passed away there was a screw up at the place I bought the casket from so they agreed to engrave her date of death for free. Well a month in they hadn't, after numerous attempts the one and ONLY request I made of my (EX) half sister was that she deal with it. I went to the grave about 3 more times nd still bare. At that point it got too hard to visit so I have no idea if it has been done or not. But like you, getting that last detail made it final. When you're ready you'll know.
  7. That is what I've got going with people around me. Most of them are clueless what Bev and I had, so they are also clueless that I was who I was because of her. That part of me died with her on July 1st so I guess whether they can understand it or accept it, the me they knew is also dead.
  8. Even though I knew it was only a matter of time, I was not prepared to open my fb page and see Bev's obituary. All the pictures they chose don't reflect anything but who she was in another life. Five years ago that entire life was set behind her and she was making a new life with new memories and happy times. She had put the people behind that had hurt her. And now the cousin has welcomed them back with open arms. I won't be the least bit surprised if her ex husband shows up to the service.
  9. Woke up this morning at around 7 after a miserable night and was back into the disbelief that she's really gone. Got out of bed to go the bathroom and happened to glance out the bedroom window to the backyard. Had to do a double take when I saw this. With the exception of some very rare summer rain and thunder (for maybe 1/2 an hour) when it was gone, that dove is STILL sitting out there right now and it's going on 7pm.
  10. I lost Bev on July 1 and also have the same feelings. Not a single person on this planet grieves in the same way because our relationships are all special and unique. You feel what is real for you. I use to look at my mom's picture and thank her over and over for sending me Bev. From last Wednesday on I've been screaming and yelling at that same picture telling her the next time she wants to do me favor??? DON'T!!!!! So feel what you need to.
  11. Sadly I'm starting to realize that whole "keep in touch" thing is a joke. My mom had so many friends at her church and they all promised her they'd be here for me. That was a grand total of two. Now with Bev I've had probably at least 10 people say--If you need anything let me know! The day we had to call 911 for Bev I called my friend of 30 years from the ER. Then talked to her several times up until last Saturday. And then not a peep until yesterday. So like with my mom I'll deal with this on my own. I don't hide my grief and that seems to piss people off too. Bev use to call it "performing" for the crowd". Put on that fake smile so nobody feels uncomfortable. Play the happy camper. I'm sorry you're so alone with this in your day to day life.
  12. Well, I had written a more detailed response to this and the internet ate it, but I just wanted to say, Lulu I know that feeling of having to hide what a special relationship you had with Lily. I have friends that know, but they never knew Bev. It was fairly obvious to her roommate but never was discussed. That leaves me with her long time friend who she had actually told, but aside from the fact he's not an outwards emotional person, he's also dealing with his own grief of losing his closest friend of 20 years. We talked a lot from the day she was admitted until her death but now that has all but stopped. I'm very sorry you have to keep the extent of the relationship locked up in your heart and mind. It does make the sadness and pain that much more difficult. At 11:15 this morning it marked a week from her death. I sat here crying and talking to her, but I had to wonder if anyone else was thinking of her at that moment.
  13. When I got my clothes from Bev's I also took two of my shirts I had given her. I hung one in the closet and put the other one in a Ziploc so the smell won't fade. Yesterday I put on one of my shirts that had been in her closet and it also had the smell and I just kept putting it to my face to smell it. By evening it seemed to just smell like a shirt. So yes for me smell is such a strong reminder that is sometimes good and other times heart wrenching.
  14. Another dreaded day. At 11:15 it will be one week since I lost my beautiful Bev. I hate being awake in this ongoing nightmare... I have a horrible time sleeping just in general but with all this, it's gotten 100x worse. I take generic sleeping pills to at least fall asleep at night but by 4am my brain kicks back in and I either take two more, or I lay here surfing the net until Bev would call or text. This morning I woke up at 3:30. Took two more sleeping pills and laid here tossing and turning. I was in a semi conscious state when all of a sudden it was like a snapshot image popped in my head. This past Christmas Bev had told me about a little white ceramic Christmas tree her dad had given her. Every year just the two of them would put the little color plastic bulbs in the holes and then they would light it up together. She was so childlike and adorable as she shared the special time. But then she went on to say somewhere during the divorce that tree had vanished and she had felt it's absence every Christmas since. With Bev I always tried to make every single gift I gave her meaningful in the fact it represented a happy time in her life. So I went online determined to find one of those trees. I figured they were a "thing" in the 60's and after a couple of days I found one on a website. By that time it was about 5 days until Christmas. So I went over the next day and showed it to her and OMG she was so excited and said it was identical. So I ordered it. Obviously it didn't arrive before Christmas, but she just kept telling me she was so happy she would have that little tree back and we would decorate it together next Christmas. So I walked in a couple of days after Christmas and there was the little tree sitting on the butcher block in the kitchen. She walked into the kitchen at the same time and she grabbed my hand and said "looook!! It came!!!! I absolutely love it!!!" And she gave me a big hug. Tbh in this past week I've been thinking of misc. things I'd given her and that little tree had completely skipped my mind. Until that snapshot image popped in my head. It was the little tree all decorated and lit up. It was sitting on her dresser. It was like a close up with nothing else around it. I instantly woke up with that huge knot in my stomach and the emptiness in my heart. I wanted to call the cousin right that minute to ask if I could have the tree back. It's just another thing that won't mean squat to them, but means so much to me. But then I slowed down my thinking. I looked at the picture of Bev and I that's on my dresser and I asked her to please find a way to let the little tree come home with me. I expect I'll be hearing from the cousin soon about her ashes so we'll see. Her roommate knows I gave it to her so possibly he'll mention it.
  15. Yes there were a couple of reasons we lived separately. I inherited my parents house and live in it and she bought a house that is about 5 minutes away when she moved back to our home town. With us both having been through failed relationships neither of us were on the fast track to giving up our homes. However I was at her house a majority of the time from morning to night. We did holidays there as well. There are three dogs. One is the roommates, the other two were Bev's, but I considered them my fur kids as well. When she was discussing her will 3 months ago she said I should take them but my yard is not an adequate size and until the city repairs the back hill it's not even enclosed. So I just can't do it. Plus they are a huge handful at times that even the three of us had a hard time controlling.