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Everything posted by sadandlost

  1. Loss of my precious mother

    Dear Whit B, I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. I understand every word you said because I feel the same. Its 10 months for me. Its real and yet it doesn't feel real. It takes such a long time to process and the layers of emotions unfold constantly. Yes its overwhelming. Its a more painful day for you today the one year anniversary. I hope you can honour your mom in a beautiful way today and do whatever you need to do for yourself to be ok.
  2. Dear Carljo, I’m so sorry. I know how painful and hard it is. We all know. I know how hard it is when everything feels meaningless and you feel you can’t go on, the pain is overwhelming. Take it one day at a time, hour by hour. You can survive this. Grief is crippling but I do believe in time it will be less crippling. I’m not saying we’re all going to be happy again, loss changes everything. I do believe that eventually we can learn to rebuild ourselves though. I hope so. We are here and listening to you.
  3. My dad passed away with alzheimers

    Dear Trishafisher, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too know the pain of watching your parent suffer with dementia. My mother died 10 months ago. We were also extremely close and spoke every day. She also struggled for about 4 yrs, the last year being the most difficult. I grieved every day while she was alive for the loss. What people don't realise is you loose them gradually, slowly and painfully and the grieving begins while they're still alive. In a sense its like 2 losses because you grieve again when they die because they're gone forever then. There is no doing things differently, going back, changing anything. Its very painful. 10 months on I still cry every day when I look at her picture and us sitting next to each other. I understand what you're going through. What your dad said to you, he said when he was ill. He was not himself then, the illness had taken over. You must know that. I know its still painful but remember dementia is a cruel disease that robs a person of who they were. No one can understand this unless you witness your loved one changing as a person. I'm sorry for your pain. I too am alone without family apart from the ones I am estranged from so its the same thing. One feels completely lost.
  4. Lost my Dad during childhood

    Dear Panda7856, I'm sorry for your loss and how hard you are finding it now. I have not been through what you've been through but I think delayed grief is normal when you lose a parent as a child because you aren't able to process it. I've seen quite a few posts here over the months from young people like yourself who are struggling several years later. Look through some of the older posts in loss of a parent. Very sorry for your loss.
  5. My daddy passed away

    Dear Stephiphi, I'm so sorry for your loss. yes life is brutally unfair. I know how you feel as I live in another country from my mother and travelled after I got the call she died. All the things you said, I felt. Life is forever changed for me. 10 months later it is not easier. Going to her house and her not being there. Packing up her house, the funeral its all traumatic. So sorry for your loss.
  6. My dad killing himself

    Dear Taro, I am so sorry for your loss. Its really heartbreaking to read. We all have sad and heartbreaking stories, some worse than others. I feel for you and really hope you will find some strength to get some help. Support group or counselling, therapy to be able to have a support system. It is a lot to process and you need help. we are here and we are reading your words but I feel you need more help. Most of us here feel alone and overwhelmed by grief, its hard for all of us. So sorry for your pain.
  7. Missing my dad

    Dear Victoria, That's shocking you were not even told about your fathers death! I can't believe that. What kind of woman would not tell his daughter? I realise you had a complicated relationship with him but its still shocking. I'm sorry for you because there must be very complicated emotions now. I would pick up the ashes and decide later what to do when things properly sink in and you have time to process it. I'm sorry for your loss.
  8. a dark cloud that never leaves me

    Dear Janey & PatriciaEileen, So sorry for your losses. The early stages are so shocking and raw it can be like you want to climb out of your body and run away. I wish I could tell you things get better but as you will have read my post, sadly I haven't reached that place 10 months later where things are better. It changes from moment to moment. Depression, disbelief, sadness, feel lost and paralysed, unable to make decisions. Grief is overwhelming at times. I don't think its something that improves in the first year. Very sorry for both your losses. We are reading your words.
  9. You can't imagine grief and loss until you go through it. I've found its nothing like I thought it would be. I thought it would be as basic as sadness. How wrong was I! there is nothing basic about the swamp of grief that comes in like a tsunami and tears your life apart. For 10 months so far I feel like I am walking around with a dark cloud over me. It never leaves me, even when the sky is blue and the view from apartment is stunning, the dark cloud is still there. The emptiness is still there. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it all feels meaningless and I feel aimless. I thought the grief would be a bit softer by now but its still cold, harsh and brutal like the winter wind on my skin. If anything it is worse as time goes on. I feel overly exposed, overly sensitive, overly everything. My inner strength has diminished and I'm like a lost broken child inside. The goodness of my mother is gone and its like all the goodness has disappeared with her leaving me rootless and lost. I'm changed forever.
  10. No Tears

    Dear Kitt, I don't think you should be concerned about being ok or upset. Whatever you felt in that moment there are going to be many many more moments, months and years to be upset. It will hit you and come from no where. There will be plenty more tears to come. Sorry for your loss.
  11. Loss of my precious mother

    Dear dakotawb34 & TinaM, I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm much further down the line then both of you, almost 10 months now. I know how you both feel as I too was extremely close to my mom. She was my everything. I too spoke to her daily even though I didn't live in the same country. I know the emptiness and the hole you both feel. I wish I could say that it has improved over the months but it hasn't. Like Tina I also talk to my mom daily, I also light a candle for her next to her picture. I act like she can hear me. Its very hard. I don't have any advice because it is hard. It just is and will be for a long time. Losing a mother is like losing part of yourself and it takes time to rebuild yourself and your life. I remind myself that I come from my mom. You come from your moms. She is part of us and we carry them around in our blood and genes. Sorry for your pain and loss.
  12. Dear Sehiza, I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. I know how hard it is because I'm struggling too. I've come to realise that the pain of loss grows over time. After a few months after the shock that what we feared the most has actually happened, it takes a long time to absorb it. So its not a surprise that things got worse for you after some time had passed. it did for me too. I too have developed coping mechanisms with food and anything that takes me away for a little while. Endless tv series! Let me get lost in other stories other than my own. Give me distraction from the pain of constant thinking of my mom. You said you'd be betraying your mom by letting go so easily and fast. Firstly even if you wanted to forget her it would not be possible. You will always carry her with you. She made you. You are part of her. Moving forward doesn't necessarily have to mean letting go. You can takes steps in healing, doesn't mean you are letting go of her. Its life changing loosing a mother. It really is. I feel changed forever and unable to navigate the future. In time I hope I will be able to. I hope there will be another chapter that I'll begin. You can honour your mom every day by doing the best you can to be your best self. Try not to think things like "get a grip". It takes a long long time for us to be ready to take steps into the world without our moms. Its hard. Do the best you can. Sounds like you do a lot! I too have lost friends so I know what its like to be alone and feel lost at the worst time of your life. I think you are doing the best you can. Try to give yourself a break from the harsh inner voice. I know its hard. I know my harsh inner voice intimately. He is unfriendly and cruel at a time when we all need more tenderness and love. Wish you an easier time Sehiza.
  13. a dark cloud that never leaves me

    Dear Sehiza, Thanks for reading. I'm sorry for your loss. It helps I think reading other peoples words and makes us feel less alone in the brutality of loss.
  14. Dear A_Person, Iam so sorry for your loss. I read your whole post. Loss does get worse over time. At first it doesn't seem that real even though it is so the first few weeks and months you haven't completely absorbed the loss. You don't realise it at the time because you think you have. For me at 6 months I thought I turned a corner with grief. Then at 8 months things got a lot worse as the reality of never ever speaking to my mom again really sunk in. Reliving the past 2 yrs over and over in my head on a daily basis. Flash backs. My mothers illness. How she changed. People don't say the right things. People around you don't do the right things. its very hard. yes people expect you to move on quickly but what they don't realise its not the first month that is hard its the many many months that follow that get worse. Unless someone has been through it they have no idea. Also it depends on the relationship they had with their parent. I knew someone who was changed by her loss. I am too. I feel changed forever. Yet another friend her world improved in every way. Loss can be different for everyone. Some of us are devastated and depressed. Some suppress their pain for years. Others are ok. Those of us who are here on a regular basis are looking to understand grief more. To share and learn from each others experiences. Sorry for your loss.
  15. Dear Dots89, I'm very sorry for your loss. In some ways I can relate to your story. I was very close to my mom. My sister wasn't. My mom and I had a special bond, my sister did not. She was cold and disinterested and used my mom. My sister and I have never connected. Its a painful relationship. My mom thought she was jealous of me. I have no idea why? She was jealous of the closeness of our relationship my mom thought. So she used to attack and demean me with her nasty comments. I used to say nothing but I endured it throughout my life. I always knew after my mom died we wouldn't be in contact and without going into the long story of what happened, I'd say we are estranged from each other. I'm relieved. I hope it lasts forever! Regarding your book. You will both have different perspectives. I would say, write your own book! But also Kitt has a point. The first half could be one perspective, the 2nd part another. If you feel betrayed and you can't trust her than write your book yourself. Sorry for your loss. They say loss often changes family dynamics and relationships within the family. Honour your mom as you want to.
  16. I am re posting this written by more in another category. Many of you might not have seen it. I think it describes the process of grief and it might help some acknowledge just how torturous it can be. Written by More. More Advanced Member Members 30 posts Loss Type:Grandmother, 2 great aunts, great uncle Angel Date:1/18/2017 Report post Posted August 13 Dearest Grief, You stormed back into my life unexpectedly last May. I'd all but forgotten you. The way you weight me down so that even the day becomes long and arduous. How my heart turns heavy so that even food will not fill me. Or the way I cannot climb out of the pit you pushed me into. Last May was a little hard. The summer you stayed with me though you were not so pesky or intrusive. When the leaves fell and children collected treats in their costumes, you pushed me down hard. You did not want to be forgotten. That fall hurt, and Grief, I had not forgotten about you. The pit became a little bigger. You even gave me a Kleenex for the pond of tears I cried. Each day became longer than the last. Winter came and became the coldest, darkest time of my life. You, dear Grief, you obliterated my core that morning in January. You had no problem taking that phone call. At the hospital, you clung to me like wet clothes, drowning me in a lake of loneliness and dread. The walls closed in, panic set in. Oh Grief, life was never the same after that day. You were the first one up every morning. you took over my house, littering it with guilt, shame, anger, sadness. Always there, enveloping me. Spring came and went with you by my side. A constant reminder of loss. In May, you made sure I did not forget you. Though I somehow think you never doubted I would remember after January. The days are still long at times. Oh Grief, sometimes you take my breath away. You still hand me those Kleenex, but also still try to fill me with the lead feeling of sadness. We take turns, you and I. Who is the boss in this house? I have not forgotten you, Grief. I never will. Yours truly.
  17. her name was Elizabeth

    Dear DDN, I saw your post when it came up and decided not to reply. I felt out of my depth. What would I say? Firstly I'm so very sorry for your loss. Loosing a mother is terrible. I feel like my world has been ripped apart. I too feel on the edge with loneliness and sadness. But for you I can't imagine that level of shock by a horrific crime. It is unimaginable. Thats why I couldn't reply at first. I can't imagine the emotions of what would come with that apart from rage but I'm sure it must be so much more and change by the moment. I really hope you will seek help from someone who specialises in grief & loss from a violent crime because you need help. I don't think this is a manageable situation on your own. Time will not make it more tolerable with something like this. I truly feel for you, please seek professional help. So sorry for this tragic loss.
  18. Mon, I think you're very thoughtful. Good luck!
  19. Dear Mon, I would definetly check on him if he doesn't contact you in a week or 2. Its very hard to reach out when you are struggling just to come to terms with it. Must of us don't want to ask for help or admit we are not coping. I think its nice to get an email, call, text from someone to let them know you are thinking of them and are there if they feel like talking. I think it would be helpful if you read some posts here, it will help you understand just how complex grief is. It can make you feel very lost and alone in the world.
  20. Dear mon, What a thoughtful and considerate person you are. The fact that you are here on this site so you could manage this situation thoughtfully says a lot about you. Your ex is lucky to have you as a friend of support. I think you've done exactly the right thing. You've been there for him, you've listened to him and you have not encouraged getting back together. The thing is loosing a mother makes you very vulnerable and needy. I speak from personal experience. Typically friends, acquaintances, people close to the person who has lost someone reach out the first week or 2 and then disappear after a month. Grief goes on for a long long time. It gets worse as time goes on. After the shock of loss, real grief sets in and its complex wave of emotions. I think you need to decide to yourself quite how much you are willing to be there. This is not me saying you need to be there because I'm not. You don't have to do anything. You are not together. Because you've been kind enough to reach out and say he can call you anytime, you may decide that you don't want that commitment long term. So I think just be realistic and think about what you're prepared to give and for how long to yourself and then you'll be able to manage the situation. Remember he will be feeling very vulnerable and alone and he could still read it wrong you being there. If you read some of the posts here, you'll understand quite how difficult and complex it is emotionally loosing a mother. It isn't an easy situation. I wish you luck and also commend you for being here.
  21. a dark cloud that never leaves me

    Dear reader, Thank you for your reply. I keep a journal and write all the time. I always have. It does help to recognise ones feelings but I do think grief never goes away. Thanks again for your reply.
  22. Dear friends, I wanted to post this article that I read today. We all have to grieve how and when we want, there is no time limit. https://whatsyourgrief.com/trust-me-as-i-grieve/
  23. I'm human too

    Dear lazycrazyjen, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. i'm sorry for your loss and how complicated that is emotionally with everything that has happened. It was hard to read and I feel for you. I wonder if your mom had mental illness? The things that she said to you sound to me like someone who has mental health issues. of course you're not to blame in any way! What she said to you was cruel but she may have been ill and you were never told? My father was this way who was mentally ill and I grew up with verbal abuse throughout my life so I can recognise it very easily. I didn't find out till much later in life. It still affects even me today because cruel words shape who a child becomes later in life. It appears that other people in your family or around you knew she was ill. I don't mean her liver disease, I mean her mental condition. When you feel stronger as time passes perhaps you can begin to find out if she was actually ever diagnosed with depression? or bi polar? or mental health issues. I'm sorry no one is asking you about you. Thats painful and I'm sure you feel like screaming. It is not for anyone to tell you whether to meet your biological mother or not. You don't have to decide now. When you feel ready to make that decision you'll know. Many adopted children don't search for their biological parents until much later, 20's, 30's or even older. its a big decision. Maybe one you shouldn't make now while you are raw and confused and struggling. It takes a long long time to process loosing a parent. Grief is not what I thought it would be. There are so many layers and feelings that change, unfold over time. It is hard enough when you've had a lot of love from your mother. When you've had difficulties that you talk about the grief process can be very confusing. I don't have any answers of course. We are all doing the best we can to get through. We are reading your words though and listening to you.
  24. Dear prettydone, Try a different therapist. I know its so daunting to start over with someone else and go through the whole process all over again but you do need support now more than ever. I had therapy many years ago and I found the person I was seeing was not that helpful? but others told me to stick with it so I did. 2 yrs later I stopped as I realised she wasn't right for me. Years later when I needed help again, I tried someone else and even though I didn't immediately like this one, he ended up really being there and helping me on and off over the years. If I hadn't of moved countries I would have stuck with it because I feel it does help when you feel really alone to have someone there that is there for you. I hope you'll try again. It's too much to go through all this on your own with no help.
  25. Dear prettydone, I'm so sorry for your painful losses. You have gone through too much grief for someone so young. Its devastating and I am not surprised you have mental health difficulties. Reading your post was overwhelmingly sad. I have not been through anything like this but I also wanted to say, your post was so eloquent. You are obviously a very intelligent young woman who is able to express herself beautifully. I wondered what you might be interested in doing in your life? I say this because finding a passion in life could help you a lot. Like Tessa said, you should seek therapy to help you. I think it is essential. I don't know how at your age you could get through this and come out the other side otherwise. Its too much grief and you could have a lot of abandonment issues as you get older and find relationships very difficult. A therapist could help be a support system for you, to have someone you can be open with and share how you feel. You may always feel this loneliness inside because you've lost so much in your young life. I was struck though buy your intelligence and eloquence and how you verbalise your feelings. Perhaps you could write more? Keep a journal also. I'm deeply sorry for your losses. Please understand that its too much suffering to get through this on your own. Once you start having help, you could feel a bit stronger inside. Don't minimise what you're going through and swallow it because it will follow you around forever. Wishing you all the very best to get through.