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Everything posted by sadandlost

  1. Hi Kjayne, I am so very sorry for you. It must be so unbearable. I can't even imagine. I think you will be in shock for a long time. You don't have to try to forgive yourself now. Its too raw and painful. Each day is hard enough without putting more pressure on yourself and being so harsh toward yourself. Sometimes when I feel very bad I focus on doing small things that get me through the day. Get up, wash, dress, eat. However bad I feel I still do those things even if I want to never get out of bed and hide away. i get up, wash, dress, eat. I try to have a routine and fill up the day. You will be out of your mind with sadness and pain Karin for what will seem like forever. Try to do small things for yourself. It was not your fault. I know whatever I say you will still feel the guilt. I hope at some point the pain will lessen just a little so you can breathe again.
  2. Dear Fran, I can relate to what you said about your mum suffering with bipolar and being such a good person. It feels so cruel that someone should have to suffer so long with a dreadful illness. My mom looked after my dad who had a nervous breakdown when I was a small child and diagnosed with bipolar. My entire life he made my mom suffer with him. He was narcissistic and could only think of himself. He was cruel and abusive and refused medication because of his paranoia. He made my life hell and her life hell but she was so good she endured the cruelty and tried to protect me as much as possible. Eventually after 30 yrs of abuse she divorced him. She suffered from anxiety and depression because of the dreadful situation. After a few years after divorce my mom had one health issue after another. Cancer and then many other illnesses. I too feel she suffered so much in her life, had no real life and then she died. it breaks my heart too, so I know how you feel. One is left with so much to carry when they're gone.
  3. Dear Livia, People tend to say stupid things like that. It's going to be ok.... How do they know? They don't know. I hate when people say "you will be happy again" how do they know? They don't. People just say things to say things because they don't know what to say. Nobody knows what you are going through because they are not you. No one knows what I am going through because they're not me. No one understands someone else's pain. I've learnt that. I don't have any advice because there is no advice to give. All we can do is try to communicate our pain. I do believe eventually we will get used to loosing our mothers. I don't think its something we can get over but eventually we adjust. I am so deeply sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. Its terrible. I am much older than you and had my mom around 3 times longer than you and I can tell you, even when you loose your mom when you are older, its not easier. Its not better. You feel like a lost child again even when you are a grown up. For you though you will miss out on a lot of big moments in your life that you can't share with your mom and for that I feel truly sorry for you. Its devastating. Please keep talking and don't suppress your pain. Its important.
  4. Dear Fran, I am so sorry for your traumatic loss. I can understand and relate to your anger. I'm beginning to realise that anger goes side by side with grief. Loosing a mother is traumatic. Mine was in hospital for 6 weeks. One complication after another. We never thought she'd die. She'd improve and then a new issue would arise and that went on for weeks until the week before we were told she would not recover. She died in hospital from another infection. I was still traumatised and angry. The care was not great. Hospital was massively short staffed we had to be on them all the time. Your loss is a different kind of pain and trauma. I'm realising from the posts here, we all have regrets and things we wish we had done differently. Guilt is horrible. It adds another layer. Guilt, anger, regret spin over and over in my mind too 6 months later. I think if you had moved your mom sooner into your house, the same thing could have happened. You could have popped to the store, gone to work and the same thing could have happened. You would feel equally terrible. Loss is so hard for us to relate to but with a parent/mother someone who has been there all our lives its a loss that is so deep and the many layers of emotions that come with it just seem to go on and on. If you had a good relationship with your mother most of your life, try to hold onto those memories. Thats what I do in-between going mad with grief.
  5. Dear bravelittletoaster, I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. I understand. Grief really screws a person up. I know. I too am struggling. I feel depressed and it's getting worse as time goes on. I've developed coping mechanisms. I've become obsessive. I'm inwardly angry at everyone but can't speak. Everyone annoys me. Everyone is getting on with their lives and they're meaningless chit chat and I feel like I'm dying inside. Quietly dying. I tell you this because I can tell you're just doing your best to stay sane. You are questioning your boyfriend because you are struggling so much. You're depressed. At least you can tell him, at least you can be open with him. Keep talking to him. I don't know when it will get better. I don't have any answers for you but it does sound like you have someone who loves you who you can lean on. So if you don't trust yourself, trust him. I tell myself eventually people get to the other side of loss. People do. I don't know when but people seem to survive. Be kind to yourself.
  6. Dear Kjayne, I am so sorry for your devastation and pain. You didn't say what happened? Are you talking about suicide? If so, I am deeply deeply sorry this has happened to you. I can't imagine what this must feel like I really can't. You must be so traumatised. I don't know how you carry on. It was not your fault though. Of course it was not your fault. To care for someone else who is struggling means you have an open heart. You could not have known something like this would happen. I am very very sorry for you. Its going to be hard for a long time and you need help to get through this. Is there family or a friend who can be there for you?
  7. Dear Christine89, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that feeling when you feel no one is there just for you. I feel that too. Its very hard. I think a year is nothing compared to the fact you had him there all your life up to a year ago. I am beginning to realise that grief goes on and on and changes as we process it. You can process it all in weeks or months or a year. I think it takes years. I'm only at 6 months. Its my mom's birthday today. What would have been her birthday today. Last year I was with her on her birthday. This year she is gone. Nothing prepares you for this depth of loss in life. We just have to keep getting up every day, bathing, getting dressed, eating and putting one foot in front of the other until its slightly easier. I hope you have a friend maybe you can reach out to Christine. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.
  8. I am so deeply sorry for your traumatic and devastating loss. People should not ask how you are? Its a stupid question. You are not ok. You're not going to be ok. People should just show up and sit with you and try not to say anything stupid thats the best you can hope for. You're in shock and traumatised. You need proper support from professionals to help you through this for a long time. I can't even imagine what it feels like to loose a child let alone suicide. Please seek professional help from a source that has experience. I am very very sorry for you.
  9. Dear Rayaneaj, I am so sorry for your loss. Even an expected loss like yours doesn't make it easier. I feel all the same losses you feel almost 6 months after losing my mom and from what I read here, I think its normal. The reality that she is gone brings new loss, new emotions, new layers you didn't know existed. No one can understand unless they are facing it. I am sorry for you, myself and everyone else. I don't think time heals. I think time enables you to get used to the loss, maybe it gets easier at some point, I don't know.
  10. Dear Flory, I really feel for you. I understand how you feel. I too was very close to my mother and I also find after a few months as the panic and trauma wears off a bit the sadness and feeling lost is magnified. I too pour over the details that lead up to my mothers death. The 6 months prior. Family unpleasantness and disputes over my mothers care. My mother in the hospital. All the details circle my mind of what I could have done differently how I could have handled it differently. But what helps me is what could possibly help you too. You had a loving and beautiful relationship with your mother. In the scheme of things, the last few months of your mothers life are just moments in the big picture of your whole life with her. Try not too overly focus on the last few months. I know it's hard. It's hard for me too. I have a picture of me and my mom together by my bed. It's over 15 yrs ago it was taken. We look happy, we were happy. I remember the moment. Looking at it every day makes me remember the happy times and what she meant to me. I still feel angry inside toward my family and everything that happened prior to my moms illness. I look at the picture and I try to think of all the good times. How selfless she was. Now she's gone it's relentless sadness. It's important though to remind yourself you had a wonderful relationship with her. Not everyone has that. Mother daughter relationships can be complicated. Yours was special and beautiful, please keep reminding yourself of that and not the very brief last few months, which is a blink of an eye in the story of your life together.
  11. Dear struggle bus, I so feel for you and know those feelings. One month after my mum died I had flashing lights in my eye. I thought something had come away in my eye and I was going to go blind. It happened twice and lasted an hour. I was panicked I went to the eye doctor for a full examination with major machines looking behind the eye. Nothing had happened, it was stress related. The eye doctor told me I needed to calm down. He didn't know I lost my mother. The following week I passed out in my apartment on the floor. The room started spinning, a high pitched sound in my ears, I was drenched in sweat and suddenly I woke up on the floor. I don't know if I lost consciousness for a minute or 10 or an hour? I live alone too. Fortunately I wasn't hurt. Most people have no idea the trauma of loosing a mother. It's been 5 months now. I haven't had those incidents again but I'm very depressed and crippled with sadness. So I understand how you feel when everyone moves on and you are still suffering and in pain. I feel for you. It's beyond your control. If you feel medication helps then do what's right for you. Do what helps you.
  12. Dear the girl, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I think when am I going to be in that place where I accept and get used to the loss? Sadness is normal I know. But when you are crippled by sadness, you just want it to be eased. There are hours when I'm distracted and I'm ok but every day I cry at some point. The layers to the grief keep showing themselves. It's like hello here is another layer, a different one. Then another. I feel needy. Like a child again and wish someone could look after me but there is no one so I'm alone with the relentless pain. I talk to my mum everyday and I wish she could reply just once. Magical thinking. Grief makes you insane. what has helped me or bring a little comfort is, when I came back from packing up my mums things, I took a lot of photographs from the past. Happy times of us together. Childhood pictures. Adult pictures. Trips together and put them all in a photo album. I like looking at it and can remember each moment. You will never forget things about your mom if you have pictures. Sometimes i feel sad that she's gone when I look at the pictures but mostly I smile at the moments we share. If you can bare it, i recommend making a book for yourself, all your memories together.
  13. Dear all, I wondered if anyone after their loss has gone through a shift or change in a friendship since their loss? Or even a break up? This is my story. After my mother died. I received kind emails from friends, acquaintances that were touching. My best friend of over 30 yrs sent a text saying "I'm so sorry". That was it. No call, no thoughtful email just those 3 words. Few days later another text, "how are you?" few days later "hope you're ok". 10 days later "when's the funeral?" Each time they were all 3 words? 2 weeks after my mother died it was my birthday. I received a birthday card while on my way to the funeral. It said, Happy Birthday love Linda. That was it. How could she send me a birthday card wishing me a happy birthday 2 weeks after my mother died? No condolences or anything. Still no phone call. After this I began not responding to the 3 worded texts because it felt insulting, like she was doing the bare minimum and not engaged at all. After I didn't respond to the next "are you ok??" texts, I received an angry text saying. "I know its a difficult time but you're ignoring me and I am oblivious to what I've done, please enlighten me". I was stunned. My friend of 30 plus years is not insensitive. In fact I deeply admired her as a kind thoughtful person thats been through tough times and got through it and is a good and decent person. We spoke every week. I was shocked by the demand to know approach. So I wrote her an email telling her. It was not horrible in anyway. I said I had not known how to respond with her 3 worded texts or hope you're ok etc...Obviously I am not ok. I've lost my mother. I am devastated. I mentioned the birthday card and if she thought I would be having a happy birthday 2 weeks after my mum died? I said, you didn't appear worried or concerned that I wasn't replying only that I was ignoring you? and you were oblivious to what you've done. I said, you haven't done anything. I just would have expected you to be more thoughtful. That's all I said. She took 12 days to reply and basically dumped me? She wrote a short email like it was written by a lawyer that wasn't even the vocabulary she normally uses or the way she typically speaks. I suspect that someone else dictated this to her. "I accept I did not console you in the way you expected and for that I am regretful. However from your email I accept our friendship is irrevocably changed forever. Wish you all the best" I was stunned. In no way did I say our friendship was over. She demanded to know why I wasn't responding to her texts, I told her. She made no excuse or heartfelt apology? So after loosing my mother, I lost my best friend too. I couldn't even respond. I feel abandoned. Has anyone else gone through anything like this?
  14. Dear reader, thank you for taking the time to reply. I understand not everyone knows how to deal with loss. I probably didn't before either. The surprising thing for me is the people you think would be there are not. My friend is a volunteer Samaritan. You would think if anyone would be there it would be her. Maya Angelou once said, people show you who they are, we just don't listen. When I heard this about 15 yrs ago it stuck with me. People surprise you. I also have to face that where she had been my best friend, I may not have been that to her. In fact it's looking likely I wasn't at all. Or that she is so arrogant that she would rather loose me than have to genuinely apologize. How can you forgive someone when they don't even apologize in a meaningful way and let you be stranded in grief? I don't feel I can comment on your friend. I know nothing. It's difficult enough coping with exhausting grief, how is anyone supposed to cope with being abandoned by friends as well? I hope you have someone else. Sometimes it's unexpected kindness from others that can help. I very much hope you find some gentle loving kindness from someone else. Warmest wishes
  15. Dear Anne1962, Im the same age as you and my mother was 82 when she died few months ago. I know now it doesn't matter how old you are, you suddenly become a child again when your mother dies and know that nothing will ever be the same again. You will never have the love of your mother again and that's devastating. I don't know how one is supposed to come to terms with that? I think the magnitude of the relationship perhaps determines the loss? I don't think we are meant to get over it. I think we are just meant to get used to it. Like walking with a bad limp or something?
  16. Hello everyone, I think that feeling that you're loosing it or going mad I've come to realize from all the posts I've seen here is normal. Before I came on this site I felt like I was going mad. Now I know many of you feel this. Grief is like madness. It's irrational at times and a bottomless pit of sadness and often anger. Anger at others for getting on with life and ignoring you. Sometimes i think no one knows I'm quietly going mad, that I stay up really late and get up late. I live alone so no one sees me. I live in another country from where I was born and grew up. I'm a stranger here and I feel completely lost. No one knows. So when I feel I'm going mad I realize all of you who lost your mothers feel the same too. sending love
  17. Dear Keiko,

    I am deeply sorry for your loss.  We are all here because we are suffering and in pain after loosing someone.  I agree, friends who haven't been through it don't get it.  I too was one of the carers for my mother who had Alzheimers.  You go through loss before they even die, grieving the loss of what it used to be and then on top of it you have the final loss.  I think being a carer for a parent with Alzheimers is one of the hardest things because it is brutal to watch you previously independent parent unable to care for themselves and gradually loose their mind and their personality.  I know how you feel because I feel the same.  In fact as the months have passed after loosing my mother, depression is worse.  it doesn't get better after such a short time.  I also fell out with my best friend who completely abandoned me after my mother died.  I wrote a post on this you might find interesting because i wanted to know if anything like this had happened to anyone else?  Its under another category called lost friendship after loss.  

    I hope you won't loose your friendship.  What I've come to learn after 5 months is people think you should feel better by now?  But how can you feel better when the person who raised you, been there your whole life is gone.  it doesn't take months to feel better I'm thinking years probably and nothing will be the same again.  I hope your mother recovers, I really do.  Thinking of you.

    1. sadandlost


      Dear Keiko,

      Please accept my sincere apologies.  I responded to one of your old posts before your mother died so please forgive me for causing pain saying I hope your mother recovers.  I did not look at the date when you originally posted so I assumed it was recent.  Please forgive me.  The last thing I want to do is cause more pain.

  18. Dear More, I am sorry for what you are going through. Family dynamics can be so painful and I speak from my own experience with my sister after loosing my mother a few months ago. You didn't say what happened though? Your sister lived with your grandmother for 12 yrs. Did something specific happen that you found out about? Distance helps a bit I think so you can process it all.
  19. I lost my mum just over 5 months ago. We were very close. Spoke every day even though we didn't live in the same country. In 2016 she was diagnosed with dementia. I knew it already of course as for 2 yrs before her memory wasn't great and she was more depressed and withdrawn. It was the beginning of dementia. 2016 things went to another level and she could no longer care for herself. I started grieving the loss of my mum that year as things got worse. It was a very stressful year traveling back and forth while having my own health issues. Then toward the end of the year she went into hospital for what appeared to be an infection. A series of complications and 6 weeks in the hospital and then she died. Even though its been 5 months, the devastation is as raw as it was and depression seems to be getting worse each week. Because its been a few months people assume its better now so no one really mentions it. I can't talk to anyone about it. I pretend to be ok but I am not ok.