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sadandlost

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Everything posted by sadandlost

  1. Lost my dad - not sure what to do.

    Dear Dgiirl, Thank you for sharing the above pod cast, I encourage all who are here to listen when you have time.
  2. I just don't know

    Dearxray08, Im so sorry for your loss. It's very difficult I know. It takes a long time to process all ones feelings. My mother died in January and I still remember the time in the hospital the most. My whole life I had her and I still re live the hospital before she died. You seemed to have taken on a lot within the family. I understand how it happens. I too have always been the one who is there for others. I'm patient and I listen so others lean on me. Now that I need someone no one is here for me. So I get it. There is a price to pay for not asking for help! I agree with readers comments, seek help outside the family. Therapy. Someone who is there just for you. Remember we are all in the same boat here, so write how you feel. We are listening.
  3. Loss of Mother

    Dear wholeagain and Rina, My mother had dementia also so i know exactly how you feel. I too feel at a standstill with no purpose. I desperately want to move forward in life and have a meaningful existence but I feel stuck and depressed. It is better than it was but its still very hard 8 months later. To wholeagain, caring for your mother for 3 yrs must have been very hard even though they were some special times. I cared for my mother part of the time so I know the sadness of watching her decline, the worry but also the special moments we shared. I feel its very hard for others to relate to the pain of watching your mother have dementia, watching them disappear. unless you've lived it, you can't relate. its a psychologically devastating disease. I re-live so many things that happened. I feel guilty I didn't do enough when things weren't so bad but my mother was in denial of it happening and so proud and independent. I constantly go through, what could I have done differently. I should have been there more. sometimes I have regret, other times I think, I spent a lot of time with her. When you are left with nothing, I think it takes a long time to heal and process everything. Rina, I am so sorry you lost your sister as well. Its so so much loss in a short time.
  4. Dear BCJ95, I am so sorry for your loss. Its so very hard losing a mother. Nothing can replace her. I understand its a different kind of pain losing a mother when you are young because you have those milestones in life that she will not be there for. I can tell you though losing a mother when you are older is equally painful just different. I lost my mother 8 months ago and I still have bad dreams. Sometimes she is in them and other times I know she is dead in the dream. They are very upsetting. I have flash backs about the year before she died. My mother had dementia so it was an emotional roller coaster. Constant worry. Unbearable level of sadness. Grief even before she died. She died suddenly of something else though and in hospital. I have flash backs to everything that happened at the hospital. Difficult family dynamics. Family betrayals surfaced. I felt alone but now its all over, I feel alone and lost in a different way. I have said before, I overeat, binge watch tv series etc to take me away and avoid dealing with anything to challenging. So I understand what you are going through. Its tough. But 8 moths later it is still very hard but its less severe than it was. Maybe I am having a better period? Maybe I have adjusted to the depression? I am not sure. BCJ95, the first 3 months are very traumatic I can tell you that, so please accept this is normal part of grieving. You are still in shock. You said you need advice on how to move on and accept this? There is no moving on! All there is, is in time we begin to adjust to a life without our mothers in it, a new way to be in the world. I think this takes a long time, possibly 2 yrs? I don't even know because I am not there yet. I think if you have one person, one friend maybe? you feel comfortable with, tell them you are struggling. I know its hard. Its so hard to be vulnerable when you are a young man but I think if you're able to share with someone, you'll have support at least. The sadness isn't going to go away anytime soon. I am sorry its affecting your academic life and social life. You need more time. Its very very fresh and recent. Write your feelings down, often. Even if its only here. It helps. Remember we are all here because like you, we too are struggling.
  5. Lost my dad - not sure what to do.

    Dear Anonymous2468, I am very sorry for your loss. I don't think there is a normal grieving time? Does that actually exist? Loss is so painful and with loss comes so many emotions, one of them being guilt. We all feel guilty to a degree. We weren't there enough, we weren't there at the time, we didn't say or do the right thing....we all go through this. I think it is so hard to comprehend when a parent dies that we look for ways to cope and try to fathom what has happened. Most of us feel angry, devastated, guilty etc.. I have no advice. Its just awful. I am sorry for your loss. We are all struggling to come to terms with the life changing event of loosing a parent.
  6. Now what?

    Dear Fletch, I feel exactly as you do. Now what? How does one go on? How does one come to terms with the biggest loss ever? I have said this before I think. I just do a rinse and repeat process like brushing ones teeth. Basically we have to brush our teeth! Its like that. Each day I get up, bathe, dress, eat and go about the day. Its always there hovering over me. Every morning before I get up, I don't want to get up but I make myself get up. I realise more and more that grief evolves. It evolves to a different type of grief. At first the shock is so hard to absorb. It goes on for months. After realising she isn't coming back and this is it for life, its now what? Now what is hard. it is cold and empty. Who knows how long now what lasts? Maybe after now what? it becomes something else? Maybe the sadness feels different? I wouldn't know. I just wanted to say, I feel as you do. Its hard. I talk to my moms picture every day. it makes me feel like maybe sometimes she is listening? Who the hell knows! I am sad she doesn't answer of course but every day I talk to her.
  7. having unsettling dreams about my mam

    Dear Marie, I am so sorry for the loss of your mam. I realise from reading a lot of the posts that grief lasts for a lot longer than we think it will. Many years ago I knew someone who was depressed for 7 yrs when she lost her mother. I don't know that anyone will understand anyone elses dreams. They are all very personal. I too have dreams about my mother all the time. The last one just the other night was very different. Usually my mother is in the dream. This one she was not. I arrived at my mothers house and in the dream it was the present and I knew she was dead. I was just sitting there watching tv like we used to do together. The phone rang and it was my aunt. She said, you're at your moms? Yes I said, I just arrived. She said, what are you doing there? Why are you there? I froze. I couldn't answer. Then she says again, why are you there? again I couldn't answer it was like I was paralysed. I also didn't know what I was doing there? Then she said to me, no one can be at the house. No one is allowed to stay there. You can't stay there! I woke up in a cold sweat. For me I know what the dream was about. I feel lost. My roots are gone. I feel rootless. I was always planning my life around commuting back and forth to my mothers. We didn't live in the same city. Now I feel so lost without her and this back and forth for 10 yrs commute is over but I don't want it to be over. My aunt. Thats about family stuff because I am not connected to her family. They are running the show even after she is dead they are still controlling everything as my mother left them in charge. I am angry about it. Other dreams aren't always so clear about what they mean. I am sorry you are having disturbing dreams. its upsetting. Dreams are our minds running away with themselves. It is hard for all of us, its why we are here. I understand what you're saying about not sharing anything about how you feel with the family or the world. I feel the same. Its why we all come here I think because we know everyone is in the same boat of pain.
  8. Newbie - Not Coping.

    Dear Staceynicola, I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. As I wrote that line I thought what do I say next? I honestly don't know. The reality is we are all here because loss is unbearable. Everything you are feeling is normal. My mother has been gone 8 months now. Some days are better than others. Every morning I don't want to get out of bed. I lay there thinking....usually about what has happened and the last year she was alive. It was the worse year of my life as my mother had dementia so there is the loss that happens when they are still alive. I grieved daily and I worried daily plus having an impossible family situation going on in the background. We were told she would not survive and recover the week before she died. When she died it was terrible but after it was horrendous. Within 3 weeks I suddenly passed out in the bathroom. I remember the room spinning and a high pitched sound in my ears, dripping with sweat and then I woke up on the floor just outside the bathroom. A week later I had flashing lights in one eye and I thought I had a detached retina or something and I was going blind. I had a pain eyelid my eye through the back of my head. It went on for 2 hours on and off. I got an emergency appt. with the eye doctor the next day. He did all the tests, looked behind they eye and determind nothing had happened and asked if I had been very stressed? yes. He said, you need to calm down. I tell you all this because losing a parent is very significant. In some ways it changes how you are in the world. I don't have these extreme incidents now but every single day I wish my mother was still here and I could talk to her. The world is now a different place for me and I am still trying to navigate it. I have not adjusted. All I can say to you is, its very very hard losing a parent. One year isn't anything. It isn't time enough to adjust. You did not mention your mother? Try to talk to her. I know you've done therapy etc.. but you should not stop doing it. Do it for as long as you need. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Reading other peoples stories helps me and makes me realise that we are all struggling and our emotions are normal. We are not loosing our mind but grief feels like you are. Write down your feelings often, it helps I find.
  9. Dear Fletch14, I am sorry for your loss. It is so hard dividing the belongings of your mom. Its so painful I completely understand. I was able to take what I wanted of my mothers belongings because my sister wanted nothing! Thats a different story though. I agree with reader saying, families can be hard. I personally have a lot of difficulty with my remaining family. I think when you are grieving so early on after the passing, we are so very sensitive and raw with the loss and the small parts of her become so important. I don't know what the answer is but maybe its too soon to decide on something so personal like the ring. Is there other jewellery you might want to keep? What about the wedding ring? I understand why you are upset. Remember during this highly difficult emotional time that everything is upsetting because we are so distraught. I think maybe you could negotiate with your brother with the jewellery? There must be other pieces too? So very sorry for your loss. Sorry to not be more helpful.
  10. Dear Maya77, Im so sorry for the loss of your mom. A year is nothing considering that she was there all your life up until a year ago. There are these standard things people say, like after a few months it gets better. The first year is the worst.... etc. People say all that and more. When does it get better? I have no idea. Loosing a mother is brutal. Nothing can replace a mother. Depression is normal. Why does grief come in waves when you think things are slightly better than they were? I have no idea. But it is like that. Personally I'm having a better few days than I had since my mom died. I think I've turned a corner compared to what it was last month and the months before. I suspect though I'm just having a few better days and maybe next week it will be as awful as before and I'll still be trying to comfort myself in all sorts of ways. Binge watching tv to escape the pain temporarily. It does help actually! Temporarily. So I understand how you feel. We all do. We read each other's stories because we need to validate our own pain and not feel so alone. So we tell our stories because we know the only people that truly understand are the ones going through it. I'm sorry for your loss.
  11. Dear Virgo, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are still in shock and traumatized which is completely understandable. I completely understand your feelings as it is so painful and hard to even absorb. I knew my mom would die one week before she did. When it happened though it was still a shock and that shock that she was gone went on for at least 3-4 months. So for you, your mom being healthy and then suddenly dead is terribly brutal. I know life feels meaningless and empty and it is hard to enjoy anything. I felt like this every single day for 7 months. Only now I think I'm beginning to turn a corner and look forward. Having said that every single day I talk to my mother out loud like she is here and listening. I miss her every day. I can't imagine happiness again and the realization of not speaking to her, not having a conversation ever again makes me cry every day. Pain of loss goes on for a long time. I have said this before, I don't think it's something we can expect to get over. It changes us. The love we experience from a mother we will never have again, we have to find a new way to be in the world without them. I think it probably takes years. The current blur you feel will in time get a little bit less but the pain of loss I believe stays. I'm deeply sorry for the traumatic way your mom died. I still re play the scenes in the hospital and everything that happened in my mind. I dream about her. No one can minimize the importance of loosing a mother, it's just terrible. Know we are all here because we're all in the same sad club.
  12. Dear Cindy Jane, thank you for your post.
  13. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I agree with what Cindy Jane wrote. You have already done a lot. You're in a very difficult situation and you need to take care of yourself otherwise how will you even take care of your mom? We all have guilt of what we could have done, should have done... we are all doing the best we can to cope with painful family situations as well as our own grief. You've done very well to have coped so well for so long. Look after your self now and visit your mom, call and check on her. Your nephew is there now. You can't do it all. Wishing you some relief from all the stress.
  14. Dear Elena, Your story is devastating. You have gone through so so much. More than most. I'm not surprised you have depression. You have buried your pain and all that trauma for too long. You need to start talking to someone. At this point I think you should just start seeing a regular therapist. Don't get too attached to the type of therapy, you just need to talk regularly so the pain is not so stuck in your body. i understand how meaningless everything feels, i feel the same way since my mother died. I too am a creative person, it's who I am and how I express myself in life through my work. Since my mother became ill, i couldn't even think or focus on my work so I didn't. When she died I felt heartbroken, I'm still heartbroken. I'm now at a point where I know i need to move forward and look ahead but I can't. I'm stuck. In the past my work saved me through painful times. Not this though. I'm lost in the world now. I don't have the energy to rebuild my career and I've lost confidence in myself. I know i need to begin the next chapter in my life and discover a new way to be in the world but I still can't yet. I hope to, I want to but I can't. your last question about how to overcome the fear of loosing someone and be open to relationships? Honestly I have no idea. All I do know is grief is brutal and it affects your relationships with others. Existing friendships and new relationships. Because we are changed now. We are changed forever and we need to find a new way to be in the world and relate to others and I think that takes a very long time. We are all here because we are struggling. We all want to know how does one cope? I've said this before, I just get up each day, bathe, dress, eat, get through each day the best I can. It's a bit like press the play button and repeat every day. It's the repetition. None of us know when it will get better but we have to go through the motions until one day it's easier. Im so sorry for all your losses. I'm so sorry for your brutal trauma. You've been through too much. It's time for you to start talking about it so you can begin to slowly release the trauma. Your post was very touching and brave. Wish you all the best.
  15. Dear Dani, I too have felt angry at others. Angry because they still have their mom so they can't possibly know what it feels like. I don't share anything with anyone except sometimes one person. Because no one can relate. I suppose we can't expect them too until they go through it. I have a feeling that others who don't have loss feel helpless and don't know what to do so they do nothing. One friend of mine took 10 days to reply to my email that my mother died. 10 days? She said all the wrong things and then proceeded to tell me in great detail what was going on in her work life and her business and running things by me wanting an opinion. So this is why I only share on this site because all of you are going through the same. We are all in the same boat dealing with pain, loss and anger and having difficulty processing what has happened. Anger is normal part of grief. Sorry for your loss Dani.
  16. Scared to sleep these days...

    Dear sweetheart346, I had a lot of dreams about my mother. Some when she was in the hospital, others, some when she was still alive. There is nothing we can do to control this process I think. Our mothers mattered a lot to us, its normal that it affects in an extreme way, they were there always in our lives and now they're gone, of course we are going to struggle. I stay up late. I watch tv. TV series and I get taken away by story lines for a short time it distracts me. I am not saying its a good thing but thats what I do. I also journal a lot. Writing down your feelings helps. It does me anyway. Its a way of processing all the emotions that come up. Be kind to yourself.
  17. Sorry I meant that last post in reply to figsnewton.
  18. Dear Athina, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry also about your friend. It sounds really painful. Worse than mine. At a time when we need our friends the most they're not there. You're right, unless someone has been through it they can't know, they can't understand. I include myself in that because before my mom died I didn't know either. I always knew it would be bad but I didn't know in what way it would be. I didn't know that I would feel rootless. I feel like I'm left hanging in the wilderness alone. I didn't know that tv and food would be my new best friend. Escapism is my comfort. Obsessing and perfectionism torture me. Trying to find some level of control. You can't know these things in advance. You can't know or even relate to any of it unless you're there or have been there. You have every right to feel angry about your friend. I feel angry about mine too. I too was there for her through very difficult times. It was a 30 yr friendship. I don't think we get over loosing our mothers. I don't see that as a possibility. What I do think is we grow to live with it in time. We adjust to a new world and a new way of being. I don't know if it takes years or the rest of our lives because I know I'm nowhere near that. I see it as a possibility though. Otherwise how can we go on?
  19. Dear Athina, I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like you that everyone is living their lives, nobody has died for them so they are all doing fine. You are so right when you say grief isolates. I never thought about it before but its true. You feel different, it changes you and the only people that can relate are people going through it. I lost my best friend of 30 yrs after my mom died. No she didn't die, she just dumped me. She was always considerate and thoughtful, not selfish. When my mom died, she didn't even call? Sent a text. Every few days sending a text saying how are you? or hope you're ok. Obviously I wouldn't be ok. Without going into the details of what happened she terminated our friendship without even a conversation or phone call, via email. I was stunned. I still am. I feel so angry and hurt. So I barely talk to anyone. It devastated me. I needed her and she just dumped me. People chit chat and make conversation but no one really asks me how I am in a genuine way. So I don't say anything. Every day I miss my mom so much. We spoke every day so its very empty now. Even though she was suffering and she passed at the right time, it doesn't make the loss any better or easier. For me she is still gone forever. 10 months is not long Athina. How does anyone expect that after 6 months, one year we move one? Someone who has been there always we are supposed to just move on like they never existed? I think the best we can hope for is this. In time less sadness, less anger, less isolation. We get used to the loss but it changes us forever. Thats what I suspect. I am not optimistic! I just hope for less pain at some point. I wish you the same. Less pain.
  20. I just lost my mom

    Dear Dani, I wish there tips, a guide of some sort but there isn't as far as I know. If there were I would be using them. Its impossible to prepare for grief. Its going to be hard Dani, you already know that because you're experiencing it. I know it feels like you are just dangling out there. There is nothing to hold on to. for me it felt like my legs had been cut off and I need to learn to walk again. It has lessened slightly. It is an emotional roller coaster. For me its like this. Sadness, guilt, anger, feel lost. Try to distract myself, tv, clean, prepare food, shop. None of it helps, it just distracts temporarily and I need that. I think its just the repetition of getting up every day and getting through each day and some days are bit better than others. I am not close to family members and I am estranged from my sister who wasn't close to my mom so its very hard for me. I am sorry there are real tips or help. Try to take a little strength that people are here because they are suffering and they understand the madness of grief. it is like madness I think. Some days are less mad then others though. Read other peoples stories too. I find it helps me feel little less alone.
  21. I just lost my mom

    Dear Dani, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am here. I am listening. I understand how you feel. My heart is broken too and I feel lost without my mother also. You are still in shock. I hate to tell you but that shock where its hard to absorb that this has happened goes on for a while. For me it was at least 3 months. After that period a different kind of pain enters where you begin to realise what has happened and that she isn't coming back and then its a deeper level more layered brutal pain. I'm just trying to prepare you because in all honesty, it is very hard. I can't offer advice as there is none. What I can tell you is I am here. We are all here with that pain thinking how can we go on? I get up each day. I bathe, I dress, I eat but inside I feel empty and sad. Anything makes me cry. I distract myself as much as possible to slightly lessen the pain of never having a conversation with my mother again. I too spoke to her every single day. I can't tell you when it will get better, I don't know but I do understand your pain.
  22. Dear Lorenacoqui, I am so sorry for you losses. It's shocking to have 2 losses in such a brief period. I can't imagine. You must feel numb at times from the pain. I too have always had difficulty asking for help. I'd rather peel my skin off it's so uncomfortable. I too am more comfortable giving. No one around me knows the pain I'm in, so I understand to a degree what you're going through. We are here to listen, so come back and write how you feel as often as you want. We're all in the same boat here. I call it the club no one wants to join but we're in it all the same.
  23. Dear Bloom, Im sorry it's a difficult day for you. My mother had dementia too so I know the pain of watching them diminish as a person. My grief started long before she died. I started grieving the loss of our relationship the year before. I wasn't there when she died. I was there the day before. I'm glad I wasn't there. I don't think I could have survived watching her take her last breath and seeing her dead. Sometimes I think I should have been there but mostly I'm glad I wasn't. It's not what you do for the last 5 minutes of their lives Bloom, it's the long history of your relationship that matters. Even though you feel you wish you could have spent more time in your life with her, we all feel that guilt I think because now it's too late to change it. All we are left with is memories, guilt and regret. Dementia is a cruel disease. In my opinion it's one of the worst. We are our memories. Too loose memory is bad enough but to loose who you are as a person is the worst. It is so painful to watch this happen. I'm sorry you feel alone. I do too. It's very hard. After 6 months people assume you've adjusted and getting on with life. No one even asks how I'm managing. If someone says how are you? It's just a daily how are you? Like a shop person asks you when you walk in the door and you are greeted. It's not genuine. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Bloom.
  24. Dear Toliviaborrego, I'm glad it helped a little. I come here because reading other people's posts helps me understand how complicated grief is. It's all we are left with. Trying to process our memories our thoughts when we loose our mothers. Our mothers who brought us into the world who for the most part have always been there. It's hard. I'm also trying to process the difficult family dynamic and the painful relationship with my sister that has only gotten worse after my mother passed. Hope it's a better day for you.
  25. I feel guilty...

    Dear Sweetheart346, Loss doesn't make sense so how can our changing feelings and emotions make sense? I am glad it wasn't a bad day for you. No need to feel guilty. I am sure you have and have had plenty of bad days, weeks and months over 3 yrs. It was my mothers birthday last month. I anticipated it was going to be worse than all the other days but it wasn't. It wasn't a good day, it wasn't a terrible day. It was just another day. The first birthday since she died so one would expect it to be more brutal than the other days. It wasn't. Brutal days come and go. I am glad you enjoyed the eclipse. Enjoy some happiness when it comes along even if its brief.
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