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Everything posted by sadandlost

  1. I need my Mom...I always will!

    Dear Steph Rae, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with you that there is no grief like losing a mother whatever age you are. I am 10 yrs older than you and losing my mother almost completely broke me. Only 1 yr on I am coming through the other side. I still miss her every day and talk to her out loud but it feels a bit different now. I'm not in a black hole anymore. The sadness doesn't go away but I am not buried in darkness as I was for an entire year. Its true we will always need our mothers but I believe we can adjust to what has happened and we adjust to the loss but it takes a long time. Maybe a life time? So sorry for what you've been through. It takes a while for the shock to wear off. You are still in that place and might be for a couple more months. Reach out and talk to people here. it helps.
  2. Father passed away 1/30/18

    Dear holyhecko, I'm very sorry for your loss. Grief can be complicated. Even when there is a good relationship and nothing to feel guilty about, there is guilt. I know this because over the past year I have read hundreds of posts and it is a pattern that I've seen over and over again. Guilt is part of grief. Also I don't doubt you are still in some kind of shock. Shock I found lasted about 3 months for me, then reality set in and that brings a whole new set of emotions. I'm sorry for what you have been through and I'm guessing you are young too? So must be very hard. I hope you have a good relationship with your mother and you can talk and share and understand the process of grief. it is a process. I had a terrible father. There was never a moment throughout my life I loved him. When he died, I felt nothing. I didn't mourn the loss of not having a decent dad. It just wasn't very important. But I understand your struggle with what you said. Addiction is terrible and affects everyone around the person. I'm sorry you have gone through all that. Maybe you might want to consider getting grief therapy or going to group therapy? What you've been through is a lot and you can come through it with help. I hope you will consider that. I am still very sad my mother is not here but one year on I am coming through the other side of depression and looking forward. Sadness doesn't go away but I think we get used to it and we have to re shape ourselves gradually over time. Very sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words in replying to my post.
  3. Dear all, I have been a regular here for maybe 9 months. Coming here daily, reading others stories, replying to others helped me. Losing my mother a year ago was completely devastating to me. The early months I was just trying to cope on a daily basis. Then after 6 maybe 8 months, coping mechanisms I developed turned into a severe depression. I looked ok but emotionally I was debilitated. I didn't work for a year. As an artist, as a person, I felt lost. Nothing made me feel good. I over ate, I obsessed about what I ate. I distracted myself binge watching tv series but whatever I did I felt truly lost, alone and rootless. I'm estranged from my family which is a good thing but then I have no one. I wanted to work I knew it would be the only thing that would save me but I was stuck. Stuck in this heavy dark depression. This month I went back to my mothers country and where I was born for the 1 yr anniversary. It was my first time going back and not staying with my mother. I dreaded it. I arrived at friends house to stay there during my trip and gradually things started to change for me. My friend was so loving, so caring its the first time I felt cared for, looked after. I laughed, things became lighter. It was truly significant for me as it gave me courage that I could go on. I began making plans. Started to approach people to get a project going that I had been thinking about. Fear held me back. Loss of confidence. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in over 15 yrs. It lifted me that reconnection and made me feel less alone. Each day I began working on building a future again. Now I am back alone in my apartment but still planting seeds to get my project going. I'm focused where I was not before. I'm looking forward where I was not before. I can see the light. I am here one year later to share with you all that I know things feel absolutely terrible now. Many of you will be fresh to your loss. I know many of you feel, how can I go on? I'm not coping, this is too hard. Many of you I know will have complicated family dynamics as I do and feel alone. I'm writing today after one year to say, I am finally doing better! I still miss my mom very much. I still wish I could have a conversation with her, I am still sad and I will always hold that sadness with me but I am doing better. I'm taking steps to rebuild my life. I'm still afraid but my spirit has improved and I feel I can make it. This is the first time I feel like that. One year on. So I am here today to tell you that gradually, very slowly, things will improve. If I can survive the darkest depression of my life, you can too. I also want to share that loss does not go away, it does not get easier, it evolves into something different. I am learning to live with it. That doesn't mean I'm happy. I'm not. its still hard but I am looking forward. Only now I believe life can go on after devastating loss. A different life. One has to slowly rebuild and that takes time. I want to wish you all strength and patience. I very much hope you will receive kindness from others because thats what will get you through this. Love to everyone here.
  4. one year on

    Dear Tessa, Thank you for your reply. I know you've been on this site for many months and I have read your posts. It is life changing losing a mother. I have found that I understand her in a different way now she is gone. We were very close but I seem to have a different understanding of her now. I still miss her daily of course. I still talk out loud to her. I still wish she could answer. I know how you feel about cleaning out her stuff. I did it after 2 - 3 months. If I didn't do it then it would be harder. Taking her clothes to the charity shop was brutal but in another way I felt she was with me while I was doing it. Yes its weird being an orphan. if I remember correctly you don't have children? (sorry if this is incorrect). I don't either so I its a different feeling, different kind of aloneness. My friends all have families and their own lives with them some even grandparents. I am grateful for the love and kindness that was shown to me during my time going back. Even if it doesn't happen like that again. Its a new and different world without our mothers Tessa. It takes a lot of getting used to and adjustment. As you have experienced we view the world differently now. I very much hope you have someone sometimes to laugh with again. Thinking of you.
  5. one year on

    Thank you reader, I have followed your posts and responses for a long time. Wishing you a gentler time.
  6. Where to from here?

    Dear Ashlee, I’m so sorry for your loss. I found the 6 month mark very hard very painful and a deeper level of depression than before, so I understand how you feel. It is a year for me since my mom died and i can tell you it has been the worst year of my life. Only now I’m taking steps to rebuild my life. 2 months ago I started to make plans, take small steps to change my life. I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt rootless, alone and unable to get on with my life. At 10 months I forced myself to take small steps even though I felt I don’t know if I can do this alone? I wanted to tell you, it takes time. Keep making an effort in small ways every day. Sometimes you won’t feel like it but try to do it anyway. My practical steps on coming back to who I was is through my creativity. As a creative professional person I let everything slip. I didn’t want to do anything, I was just getting through each day. Now I’m still sad and lonely and miss my mom just as much if not more but I’m moving forward. It takes time Ashlee.
  7. Dear Malliza, I’m so sorry for your losses, your trauma and everything you’ve been through. It’s really heartbreaking how one terrible loss changes everything and the course of your life.
  8. Dear Hills, I am so sorry for your loss. You've gone through so much loss. I also believe that guilt is part of the grieving process. I learnt that here because most of us go through it and talk about it here. My mother had dementia. It was devastating how quickly things changed from forgetfulness to not being able to care for herself. It seemed to happen so fast. I did the best I could but I still feel it wasn't enough. I grieved the loss of our relationship before she died and then the loss of her when she died. I try to remember what she used to be like but it all seems like a dream. Its very hard. I still replay what I should have done sooner. I'm sorry its so hard for you but reader and Tessa are right, although I think there may be nothing to forgive because you did the best you could in a very challenging situation.
  9. Pain and emotions.

    Dear Pippy, I am glad you have the support of your mum and sister. Loss is very lonely but it helps when you can share it with family that were close to him. I think OCD may be part of the coping mechanism. I have it but in other ways and I didn't have it before. I think the brain looks for anything, any kind of comfort even minuscule that makes no sense, something to grab onto and obsess about I think. Distraction.
  10. Dear sweetisabelle, Its almost one year for me too. In just over a week. I wrote on another post about the one year anniversary. Why is it so hard? Our mothers are gone now, yesterday, tomorrow and the day after the one year. Nothing has changed. Still gone. Yet I too still have flash backs to last year and everything that happened leading up to her death. For me I don’t even live in the same country so I will be going back for the memorial so it’s even more painful. Arriving in the country, not going to mom’s house. Staying elsewhere. I started having migraines last week when I never had them before. Panic, heart races when I wake up. Every day I think how did a year go by? What has changed? Nothing. It’s not less painful. It’s less raw but not less painful. I agree with reader, honor her however you want. It’s going to be stressful and painful and we just have to accept that. Do what’s right for you on the day. So sorry for your loss. Nothing replaces a mother’s love.
  11. Pain and emotions.

    Dear Pippy, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s almost one year for me too. I think what reader said is really accurate. Pain is pain, loss is loss, nothing softens grief, you just have to go through it. It’s brutal I know. For me it’s like the year of heightened sensitivity. Watching tv and someone dies is like I feel their pain even though it’s an actor playing a part! I dread the anniversary of my mother’s death but I think why? She is gone now, tomorrow, the day after. She’ll still be gone the day before and after the anniversary? What has changed? Nothing. Psychologically it’s the build up I think. Every day I think, how can a year have gone by? It’s not raw anymore but it’s still sad still depressing, still lonely.
  12. Dear Deb62, I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with all that reader said. I realize anger is part of grief. It’s one year for me and I still relive everything that happened leading up to my mother’s death. My family were horrible. I’m still angry but it has softened from what it was. You will find there are so many layers to grief. Anger is just one of them. It’s very hard to process loss.
  13. You’re welcome Whammy2! So very raw the first 3 months. Try to take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. It’s going to be hard to grasp for a long time. I still talk to my mother every day. I think I always will. It’s a way of maintaining my relationship with her even though she doesn’t reply.
  14. Dear Anna, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please know you won't stop feeling like this for a while. We are all here because we are struggling to come to terms with our losses. It takes a long time. It is still hard for me one year after losing my mom but its different. You are in shock. Its impossible to absorb it happened I know. I felt like that for 3 months after I lost my mom. Its so raw right now I understand. Give yourself time to process. Grief isn't going away. After a while consider speaking to a grief therapist. It helps to talk about it. I bottled it all up for so many months and became deeply depressed before I went to see someone. I can't say its changed my life because loss is loss, there is no good outcome, but by talking about your feelings it will help. Use the forum, read other peoples stories and you'll see all the emotions that come with loss, we are all going through it. It takes a long time to process. I'm so sorry you've joined the club no one wants to be in. We are here. You are not alone.
  15. 6 years later

    Dear Carrie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing your dad so young too. It doesn't matter if its one year, 5 or 10, grief and loss of a parent is very very hard. I really would seek a grief counselor. A specialist in bereavement to help you work through the very difficult emotions that come with losing a parent. I don't know where you live but do some research online and see if you could find someone in your area. I am beginning to understand just from being on this forum for many many months, when you lose a parent when you are young, its much more difficult to process. I have read many many stories here. Please know there is nothing wrong that you are still struggling. I hope you will seek help.
  16. Dear Whammy2, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't give you any advice but I hope this will help you in some way because we all go through it. My mom died when I was on the train coming home. As I got off the phone to family member and got off the train, I looked around me because in that moment my whole world changed. It is still changed one year on. As I looked around everything looked different. People were talking, laughing, going about their business like everything was normal. I looked around and my first thought was, don't they know what's happened? They were complete strangers in the train station and that was the thought I had. Completely irrational. As the week unfolded and I would have to tell people, I took it slowly. I sent one email per day to inform friends. The pain was excruciating having to write the words, my mom died. I didn't want to be a member of this club. As the weeks went on I was amazed by peoples behaviour. One of my 2 best friends in life for 3 decades never called. She sent a message by text saying, so sorry. I thought she would call in a couple of days, she didn't. Few days later a text came, how are you? How was I supposed to reply to that? I'm devastated, I want to die!?? I couldn't say that so I didn't reply. Few more days go by another, hope you're ok? text. Because I'm going to fine after 5 days?? I didn't reply. Then a demanding text came saying you're ignoring me, I'm oblivious as to what I've done, please enlighten me. I was stunned. Not I'm worried about you? Or can I call you? or anything. I waited and braced myself emailed her and told her off. She replied 10 days later, she ended our 30 yr friendship. One year later it still shocks me. People will surprise you. Others were thoughtful and sent a kind note. Someone I wasn't close to but recently became friendly with sent beautiful thoughtful condolences. I was taken aback by their kindness. I tell you all this because one year after my mother died, it's still very hard. I have learnt a lot about grief from this forum and other peoples stories. If your friends, family, colleges haven't been through a devastating loss like this, they can't know. I've been angry a lot at people. Silently angry. But I also realise before I went through this I didn't know either what losing a mother was like. All the secondary losses that happen. How lost I would feel and alone. The quiet inner madness that goes on in my head. The coping mechanisms. So Whammy2, its going to be hard for a long time. Visit the forum often, it helps. Write your feelings down. We are reading your words. Very sorry for your loss.
  17. Dear NMRNO, I’m so sorry for your losses. That’s really traumatic to loose both your parents 2 months apart. I’m so sorry. I think if you let the calls go into voice mail and then send a nice text saying thank you for your message, I’m not able to talk right now, I hope you can understand and thank you for thinking of me. That should do it. People want to reach out. A lot of us don’t have that. After a while no one reaches out, they all just get on with their lives. I think it’s important to acknowledge them but also looking after your own needs.
  18. Missing mom for my bday

    Dear Jocelyn81, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Those of us who have lost our mothers struggle for a long time I think. Its a year for me and I don't think I've even touched the sides of this process. It still feels like a dream. Not a good one. I hate those cliches, time heals... No it doesn't. I think probably over the years the pain lessens? Substance abuse comes from just trying to cope. My substance abuse is binge watching tv series! Not dangerous, won't kill me or harm anyone else. It takes me away though and i can get lost in stories that aren't mine. Birthdays, anniversaries etc..are always going to be painful I think. I hope you will consider seeing a grief therapist? You need support. I just started a few weeks ago. Too soon to tell but I feel after a year I needed to try to take steps forward. So sorry you are struggling. Mothers are irreplaceable.
  19. Dear Sarahjayneraff, Thank you for your kind words. I think this forum helps a lot because you come to realise so many of us are experiencing the same thing, same feelings. Reading other peoples stories can make you feel less alone and that this is not only happening to you but so many others. You can learn a lot from other peoples stories. I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor. I hope in time things improve.
  20. Dear Sarahjayneraff, im so sorry for your loss. I completely relate to everything you said. I’ve had a very similar experience. After my mother passed I suffered from anxiety and panic. I had 2 panic attacks and on off migraines. Never had a panic attack before. Obsessive behavior becoming fixated on things. Depressed. After several months the depression became worse as it became more of a reality that my mother was gone. It’s been a year now and I still find it hard to believe that she’s just disappeared and all that is left is a dream like pool of memories. It’s hard to absorb. As the one yr anniversary looms I feel very anxious. So I relate to everything you said. I began therapy and it helps to talk about it because I think at some point all that pain won’t be trapped in my body and I can begin to release it. I have physical symptoms too so I understand. It’s the hardest most difficult thing to face losing a mother. My place in the world feels different. I’m trying this year to look forward and rebuild. I’m taking steps to rebuild my life but it’s a process and I believe it takes a long time. Can you consider grief therapy? I think it helps to share and talk.
  21. I can't live like this anymore

    Dear Jordan, I know how hard it is to admit to others you are struggling. I’m much older than you and I still have a hard time. Please consider telling your mother, I know it’s hard but I’m sure she would be devastated that you are struggling so much.
  22. I can't live like this anymore

    Dear Jordan, I'm so sorry for what you have been going through all these years. Its heartbreaking. Do you talk to your mother about it? I'm guessing not. I really 100% agree with Tessa. Please seek proper help so you can manage this terrible pain. its normal to feel such pain losing a parent but you need help to work through it all. Really hope you trust someone and open up so they can start to help you.
  23. Missing my mother

    Dear Fani, I’m so sorry for your loss. I think about how devastating it is for me to have lost my mother and I had her for decades more than you. To lose your mother at 16 when you’re only just becoming a young woman, I can’t imagine. Also I know the pain of watching my own mother suffer through cancer to recover but then get dementia. The stress and worry went on for years so I know how you feel. To have managed it at such a young age is incredible. Then at the end to lose her is traumatic and devastating. As reader said, everything you’re feeling is normal. It’s part of the grief but that doesn’t make it better or easier. I found after many months reading other people’s stories helped me understand grief better because I thought I was going mad. It helps to know this is what everyone goes through. I also think you need proper support. Grief therapy or counseling. It’s too much to try to navigate the pain and complex emotions that come with loss. It’s hard for all of us but at 16, it can shape who you become as a person. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please seek help. Please continue to use the forum. It does help.
  24. I’m so sorry to hear that. Can your therapist refer you to a grief counselor or group?