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About sadandlost

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  1. I need my Mom...I always will!

    Dear Steph Rae, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with you that there is no grief like losing a mother whatever age you are. I am 10 yrs older than you and losing my mother almost completely broke me. Only 1 yr on I am coming through the other side. I still miss her every day and talk to her out loud but it feels a bit different now. I'm not in a black hole anymore. The sadness doesn't go away but I am not buried in darkness as I was for an entire year. Its true we will always need our mothers but I believe we can adjust to what has happened and we adjust to the loss but it takes a long time. Maybe a life time? So sorry for what you've been through. It takes a while for the shock to wear off. You are still in that place and might be for a couple more months. Reach out and talk to people here. it helps.
  2. Father passed away 1/30/18

    Dear holyhecko, I'm very sorry for your loss. Grief can be complicated. Even when there is a good relationship and nothing to feel guilty about, there is guilt. I know this because over the past year I have read hundreds of posts and it is a pattern that I've seen over and over again. Guilt is part of grief. Also I don't doubt you are still in some kind of shock. Shock I found lasted about 3 months for me, then reality set in and that brings a whole new set of emotions. I'm sorry for what you have been through and I'm guessing you are young too? So must be very hard. I hope you have a good relationship with your mother and you can talk and share and understand the process of grief. it is a process. I had a terrible father. There was never a moment throughout my life I loved him. When he died, I felt nothing. I didn't mourn the loss of not having a decent dad. It just wasn't very important. But I understand your struggle with what you said. Addiction is terrible and affects everyone around the person. I'm sorry you have gone through all that. Maybe you might want to consider getting grief therapy or going to group therapy? What you've been through is a lot and you can come through it with help. I hope you will consider that. I am still very sad my mother is not here but one year on I am coming through the other side of depression and looking forward. Sadness doesn't go away but I think we get used to it and we have to re shape ourselves gradually over time. Very sorry for your loss. Thank you for your words in replying to my post.
  3. one year on

    Dear Tessa, Thank you for your reply. I know you've been on this site for many months and I have read your posts. It is life changing losing a mother. I have found that I understand her in a different way now she is gone. We were very close but I seem to have a different understanding of her now. I still miss her daily of course. I still talk out loud to her. I still wish she could answer. I know how you feel about cleaning out her stuff. I did it after 2 - 3 months. If I didn't do it then it would be harder. Taking her clothes to the charity shop was brutal but in another way I felt she was with me while I was doing it. Yes its weird being an orphan. if I remember correctly you don't have children? (sorry if this is incorrect). I don't either so I its a different feeling, different kind of aloneness. My friends all have families and their own lives with them some even grandparents. I am grateful for the love and kindness that was shown to me during my time going back. Even if it doesn't happen like that again. Its a new and different world without our mothers Tessa. It takes a lot of getting used to and adjustment. As you have experienced we view the world differently now. I very much hope you have someone sometimes to laugh with again. Thinking of you.
  4. one year on

    Thank you reader, I have followed your posts and responses for a long time. Wishing you a gentler time.
  5. Dear all, I have been a regular here for maybe 9 months. Coming here daily, reading others stories, replying to others helped me. Losing my mother a year ago was completely devastating to me. The early months I was just trying to cope on a daily basis. Then after 6 maybe 8 months, coping mechanisms I developed turned into a severe depression. I looked ok but emotionally I was debilitated. I didn't work for a year. As an artist, as a person, I felt lost. Nothing made me feel good. I over ate, I obsessed about what I ate. I distracted myself binge watching tv series but whatever I did I felt truly lost, alone and rootless. I'm estranged from my family which is a good thing but then I have no one. I wanted to work I knew it would be the only thing that would save me but I was stuck. Stuck in this heavy dark depression. This month I went back to my mothers country and where I was born for the 1 yr anniversary. It was my first time going back and not staying with my mother. I dreaded it. I arrived at friends house to stay there during my trip and gradually things started to change for me. My friend was so loving, so caring its the first time I felt cared for, looked after. I laughed, things became lighter. It was truly significant for me as it gave me courage that I could go on. I began making plans. Started to approach people to get a project going that I had been thinking about. Fear held me back. Loss of confidence. I reconnected with an old friend I hadn't seen in over 15 yrs. It lifted me that reconnection and made me feel less alone. Each day I began working on building a future again. Now I am back alone in my apartment but still planting seeds to get my project going. I'm focused where I was not before. I'm looking forward where I was not before. I can see the light. I am here one year later to share with you all that I know things feel absolutely terrible now. Many of you will be fresh to your loss. I know many of you feel, how can I go on? I'm not coping, this is too hard. Many of you I know will have complicated family dynamics as I do and feel alone. I'm writing today after one year to say, I am finally doing better! I still miss my mom very much. I still wish I could have a conversation with her, I am still sad and I will always hold that sadness with me but I am doing better. I'm taking steps to rebuild my life. I'm still afraid but my spirit has improved and I feel I can make it. This is the first time I feel like that. One year on. So I am here today to tell you that gradually, very slowly, things will improve. If I can survive the darkest depression of my life, you can too. I also want to share that loss does not go away, it does not get easier, it evolves into something different. I am learning to live with it. That doesn't mean I'm happy. I'm not. its still hard but I am looking forward. Only now I believe life can go on after devastating loss. A different life. One has to slowly rebuild and that takes time. I want to wish you all strength and patience. I very much hope you will receive kindness from others because thats what will get you through this. Love to everyone here.
  6. Where to from here?

    Dear Ashlee, I’m so sorry for your loss. I found the 6 month mark very hard very painful and a deeper level of depression than before, so I understand how you feel. It is a year for me since my mom died and i can tell you it has been the worst year of my life. Only now I’m taking steps to rebuild my life. 2 months ago I started to make plans, take small steps to change my life. I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt rootless, alone and unable to get on with my life. At 10 months I forced myself to take small steps even though I felt I don’t know if I can do this alone? I wanted to tell you, it takes time. Keep making an effort in small ways every day. Sometimes you won’t feel like it but try to do it anyway. My practical steps on coming back to who I was is through my creativity. As a creative professional person I let everything slip. I didn’t want to do anything, I was just getting through each day. Now I’m still sad and lonely and miss my mom just as much if not more but I’m moving forward. It takes time Ashlee.
  7. Dear Malliza, I’m so sorry for your losses, your trauma and everything you’ve been through. It’s really heartbreaking how one terrible loss changes everything and the course of your life.
  8. Dear Hills, I am so sorry for your loss. You've gone through so much loss. I also believe that guilt is part of the grieving process. I learnt that here because most of us go through it and talk about it here. My mother had dementia. It was devastating how quickly things changed from forgetfulness to not being able to care for herself. It seemed to happen so fast. I did the best I could but I still feel it wasn't enough. I grieved the loss of our relationship before she died and then the loss of her when she died. I try to remember what she used to be like but it all seems like a dream. Its very hard. I still replay what I should have done sooner. I'm sorry its so hard for you but reader and Tessa are right, although I think there may be nothing to forgive because you did the best you could in a very challenging situation.
  9. Pain and emotions.

    Dear Pippy, I am glad you have the support of your mum and sister. Loss is very lonely but it helps when you can share it with family that were close to him. I think OCD may be part of the coping mechanism. I have it but in other ways and I didn't have it before. I think the brain looks for anything, any kind of comfort even minuscule that makes no sense, something to grab onto and obsess about I think. Distraction.
  10. Dear sweetisabelle, Its almost one year for me too. In just over a week. I wrote on another post about the one year anniversary. Why is it so hard? Our mothers are gone now, yesterday, tomorrow and the day after the one year. Nothing has changed. Still gone. Yet I too still have flash backs to last year and everything that happened leading up to her death. For me I don’t even live in the same country so I will be going back for the memorial so it’s even more painful. Arriving in the country, not going to mom’s house. Staying elsewhere. I started having migraines last week when I never had them before. Panic, heart races when I wake up. Every day I think how did a year go by? What has changed? Nothing. It’s not less painful. It’s less raw but not less painful. I agree with reader, honor her however you want. It’s going to be stressful and painful and we just have to accept that. Do what’s right for you on the day. So sorry for your loss. Nothing replaces a mother’s love.
  11. Pain and emotions.

    Dear Pippy, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s almost one year for me too. I think what reader said is really accurate. Pain is pain, loss is loss, nothing softens grief, you just have to go through it. It’s brutal I know. For me it’s like the year of heightened sensitivity. Watching tv and someone dies is like I feel their pain even though it’s an actor playing a part! I dread the anniversary of my mother’s death but I think why? She is gone now, tomorrow, the day after. She’ll still be gone the day before and after the anniversary? What has changed? Nothing. Psychologically it’s the build up I think. Every day I think, how can a year have gone by? It’s not raw anymore but it’s still sad still depressing, still lonely.
  12. Dear Deb62, I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with all that reader said. I realize anger is part of grief. It’s one year for me and I still relive everything that happened leading up to my mother’s death. My family were horrible. I’m still angry but it has softened from what it was. You will find there are so many layers to grief. Anger is just one of them. It’s very hard to process loss.
  13. You’re welcome Whammy2! So very raw the first 3 months. Try to take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. It’s going to be hard to grasp for a long time. I still talk to my mother every day. I think I always will. It’s a way of maintaining my relationship with her even though she doesn’t reply.
  14. Dear Anna, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please know you won't stop feeling like this for a while. We are all here because we are struggling to come to terms with our losses. It takes a long time. It is still hard for me one year after losing my mom but its different. You are in shock. Its impossible to absorb it happened I know. I felt like that for 3 months after I lost my mom. Its so raw right now I understand. Give yourself time to process. Grief isn't going away. After a while consider speaking to a grief therapist. It helps to talk about it. I bottled it all up for so many months and became deeply depressed before I went to see someone. I can't say its changed my life because loss is loss, there is no good outcome, but by talking about your feelings it will help. Use the forum, read other peoples stories and you'll see all the emotions that come with loss, we are all going through it. It takes a long time to process. I'm so sorry you've joined the club no one wants to be in. We are here. You are not alone.