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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About Artesia

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  1. Not eating properly. I cook 4/7 nights for my son, but I eat crap. The other 3 nights, we both eat crap. I have eaten more McDonalds in the last 9 weeks than in my whole life. I've taken up drinking ( it was never a big thing for me). Not huge amounts, but fairly regularly. I am lucky if I make it to work, let alone do any exercise. I clean the house once a fortnight/every three weeks ( unless someone ie in laws are coming over) Took me 7 weeks to change the bed linen. I actually researched all the things you are supposed to do to live longer and am actively trying to do the exact opposite. If I have to live THIS life, then it's up to me how I do that , right? I swear way more now. I even used the c word once or twice ( and I hate that word and i stopped Tim from saying it). I don't care about much. I shop online for everything because I hate to be out. with people. Today I smoked one of Tim's cigarettes. This is definitely on the things not to do list, but, the smell of that lit cigarette was like he was here.. and the taste in my mouth after was how he tasted when we kissed, so once I've smoked the packet and a half he left behind, I am going to buy more. I suspect he would not approve, but he would understand. Besides, he is dead, so he may not know about what I am doing at all. And I miss him every minute of every day. I look at his photos and fall in love with him again, every time.
  2. Lost of my husband best friend

    You can't be who you were with him, Because he is gone. I know people around me are struggling with this with me. I can never be Lisa with Tim again, because Tim is gone. I am Lisa who loves Tim. I am Lisa who is heartbroken without Tim. And I am becoming Lisa who has to go on without Tim. And she is probably not as nice. She is more selfish. She is in pain. So deal, people!
  3. I am so sorry Karin. This sucks, big time. Lisa xxx
  4. Tim had stage IV cancer. Within less than 5 months I watched him diminish every day. He was 46 and we haven't even been married for 4 years yet. We barely got a chance to accept what was happening before it all happened. So like you, I would give anything for one more day - one more conversation, but how could I honestly want to bring him back to that? So I feel guilty too. I don't know here he is. I know I am here and have all of these people offering support - but if he is somewhere, who is looking out for him?
  5. Don't know what to say

    Same here. I would love for Tim to be here, but I can't feel him. I can't hear him. Definitely can't smell him... and what good would it do me if I could? I can't have him. Yes I love everything about him. But it wasn't some esoteric higher love. Well it was, but it was the physical and real side of it too.. and I can never have that again. Because his body doesn't exist. And like you, I take no consolation from those around me. Although I know they are all missing him and they loved him and they feel his loss too. But they haven't done this. They get to go home and cry in the arms of their lover. I can never do that again. Of course life will never have the same joy for me- how could it? All the 'good' things to come will never replace him and there will always be that ache that Tim and I were supposed to do this together. He will always be my soulmate. But if he is nowhere, me going would just mean I am nowhere too, and my son will be alone. We both loved what we had - we already had our heaven, right here. All that being said, I would be delighted to be wrong.I would love to find him there, waiting for me when our boyo is ready to not have either of us.
  6. Marsha, I am so sorry that you have to go through this too. I lost my husband Tim 10 days ago. I can't even give you a clue as to where to start. But I will tell you that it is ok to be broken. Cry, feel all the pain and despair. Mourn what you have lost. And just because the light is there - you don't have to hurtle towards it. Take however long you need - it's fine to be on pause. Lisa
  7. Day One

    It's hard to explain to people. When I fell in love with Tim, I had other love in my life. His love just amplified all the other love. So losing him,can only diminish the love I have left. I know that sounds harsh, but nothing can make up for not having him here. Or they do get it, but it's so uncomfortable... they just cannot fathom it. I know, even while Tim was sick, I couldn't. I knew what the inevitable outcome would be, but a world without him was inconceivable.
  8. Day One

    People are very reluctant to accept that you will always be broken. It's like you'r a teacup and the handle has cme off and can't be reattached. You can still use the cup - it is still useful, but it isn't that lovely teacup anymore. And it never can be. And that is ok. I accept it. Others find it harder.
  9. Day One

    Maybe they wait that long, because you are more receptive to it after some time. But it is in first few days and weeks that you really feel that you need something. People always want you to get better. Perhaps it would be better to accept that this can never get better.
  10. When did you return to work?

    That's a hard one. My employer is amazing - I just need to let them know when I'll be back. I don't want to do it, but I have to, I guess. It'll be two weeks next Monday for us. I guess I should just bite the bullet and do it.
  11. Day One

    So I thought I'd be proactive. I rang the psychologist from the cancer centre. Only to be told that she could see me to explain the grief process ( yeah lady, I appear to be doing the practical exam here) and that the local Palliative Care team will send me a letter to offer grief counselling... In SIX WEEKS, I don't even know that they can do anything to help.. but I have to get through that 6 weeks before I can find out.
  12. Day One

    I think I have said this about a million times in the last week. At the moment I am doing minute by minute.
  13. Day One

    Kay, like you I have been through some stuff and I have survived it all. I don't know how to survive this. When people ask me how I am, the only response I have is still breathing. If it wasn't for my son, I wouldn't be here. I have to stay for him... and that endless stretch of years on my own looms ominously. I know I have people who love me.. Tim's love enhanced all of the other love in my life. his absence can only diminish it. I hate that we all have to do this. And perhaps a broken heart takes a longer time to kill you than we think?
  14. Day One

    It's ok Kay. I am just not in any place to have perspective right now. Maybe it's my version of grief fog. And lack of sleep. I want so much to sleep and it just eludes me. I know Tim is gone. He's been cremated - he can't even come back as a zombie and eat my brain. Intellectually, I understand that and I know I can't change it.And I the it. But my heart.... it's just a huge conflict between what I know and what I want. Tim was very ill with cancer.. and we never really had a chance against it.This was always going to be the outcome.Maybe that's why I can think. I was really conscious of trying to not be too sad and teary while he was here. we just didn't talk about this part. It was too hard. But I wish we had. i wish he had said something that would bring me some comfort - because he is the only one who can comfort me.I have a wonderful son who is with me and who is grieving as well. But no one can comfort me. When you lose a parent, you mourn the past. When you lose a child, you mourn their future. But when you lose your love, you mourn your past, their future and your future. I can'tfind consolation in anything. I guess I am inconsolable. I don't think I ever really understood what that word means.